How do I love myself and attract someone who loves me?

[sandman47]

I'm in my late 40's and can honestly say that I've never had a love relationship where I loved a woman and she loved me in return. I'm going to start therapy and depression treatment. But I'm looking for a way once and for all to honestly believe in myself. I know the concept of "like attracts like." The only relationships I've been in are those with those like me, women who were very needy, wanting a shoulder to cry on. This has drained the life out of me.

 

I'm tired of feeling this way. But I've always looked for external validation for this. I've needed a pep talk from others. Still I find their words unbelievable. Those who've told me I'm great are in solid relationships themselves so there's no chance at all of us having anything or they're elderly women. I need a way to internally believe that I'm worthy of true love; love of myself and the love of a beautiful woman. Those same people have told me I'm kind, compassionate, caring, funny, intelligent....but that's never seemed to have been enough to attract love.

 

Affirmations are bs to me. I need some way to honestly believe that the world is truly my oyster.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sandman47, sometimes we just have to believe in ourselves or just trick ourselves into believing in ourselves. It is not an easy thing to do. Also, it is not good to look for external validation because then we are basing our happiness and our self-esteem on others, when we should be looking inside at ourselves for self-affirmation. Do you have anything that you like about yourself, like are you a kind person, do you help others out, etc.? From that you can find something positive about yourself and build on that. Like for me, I love guinea pigs and I take good care of the four that I like. I am using that compassionate part of myself to join up with other guinea pig lovers around my area so I can meet new people who have the same tastes I do and maybe make some friends and find a bf. Who knows.

 

Sometimes, when you get down on yourself, sit down, get a piece of paper and write down some of the stuff you like about yourself. Write down anything. Maybe you like the way you look, the way you dress, what you do for a living, etc. After you write the list, look at the list and see what parts of that you can focus on and expand on, like joining groups that share in that same focus, same ideal, etc. There you can make friends and maybe find a SO.

 

Basically, you have to tell yourself that you are a great person, that there are things about yourself that you like and portray that image to others. If others can read off you that you are confident and happy with yourself, they will be attracted to you, and that in turn will feed into your positive self-image. All it takes is a little bit of believing in yourself.

 

Good luck.

[evy38]

Hi sandman,

I'm in my mid-fourties with similiar experience. I think most of us jump into love when we are younger, maybe a little braver and blinder. We get hurt, but we also gain valuable experience we take to later relationships and learn to love more wisely. Then there are those of us who won't take those chances early on. Maybe we don't see ourselves as attractive enough, or smart enough or good enough, whatever the reason, we put off taking real chances. We might put our toe, in the water, and say we were making an effort, to avoid dealing with the real issues keeping us outside and looking in. So, time goes on, we get older, wiser and finally decide to deal with the issues, holding us back. But, we came into play, very late in the game, without all the necessary skills. So, we need to spend some time learning this new environment. I guess that means facing some of the failures and hurdles we should have faced years ago. I think the trick is not to try to avoid them, it is almost a rite of passage. I think the trick is to not revert back to old behaviors when we hit them. To be successful, and finally find love after all these years, we need to be completely committed to finding it and that means we must really want it. If we don't truly want to find love, the effort will be more then we want to commit to. That is where I am, now. How much, of myself, am I willing to put out there/give/show, to find love?

I think even once you commit, you'll work on all your issues twice, once for yourself and again as they relate to a couple. I hope you will consider working on finding love, AS you complete your human journey. The way we've worked, till now, hasn't been successful. I've realised none of us are perfect and if I wait until I am, I will wait forever to find love, and even if I could become perfect I would have developed myself out of the rest of the human race. I would simply be trading one exile, for another.

[Andy223]

I agree with everything renaissancewomen just said. If you are looking to improve the way you preceive and think about yourself, i strongly recommend reading books my paul mckenna and listening to his audio tapes. He knows exactly what he is doing, and uses techniques which have changed peoples lives... check it out

[shes2smart]

Affirmations are bs to me. I need some way to honestly believe that the world is truly my oyster.

 

When I was first introduced to the concept of affirmations, I thought it was a bunch of new-agey, hocus-pocus crap.

 

But I tried them anyway...partially because it wasn't really going to cost anything to try them (what can I say, I'm a cheapskate.)....and partially with the attitude that I was going to "prove" they didn't work.

 

It is now 17 years later, and I couldn't imagine going about life without actively using affirmations.

 

If you don't like the way "affirmations" sounds, then look at it as "changing your focus." That's really all it is, you know. You're taking a conscious look at the beliefs and thoughts you have about yourself and your life, and changing them to a different set of beliefs and thoughts. Just like any sort of advertising, repetition is the key. If I start singing (in that off-key way that I have...) "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese...." chances are you know how it ends, you know what it's for and you know how it sounds (if you're of a certain age...and you are ). That's what repetition will do to your brain.

 

Now, wouldn't it make sense to choose the messages that get repeated into your brain in a conscious, deliberate way to bring about a specific result? If your brain can learn the McDonald's jingle without consciously trying, imagine what it could do if you made that learning process conscious, and went about it in a methodical way.

 

Another concept that can work is the "fake it til you make it" idea. How does a person who loves him or herself act? What do they do that you're not doing? How do they dress? How do they behave? How do they think? Then you adopt those behaviors (faking it) until the beliefs follow (making it).

 

One of the earliest beliefs I went about consciously changing in my own thoughts was this:

 

Everything Always Works Out For My Highest Good.

 

Someone who truly believes that is going to approach life differently and behave differently than someone who does not believe that. I repeated that phrase over & over in my head more times than I can count. I wrote in page after page of my journal. And slowly, it started to sink in and take hold...until it got to the point that I take it for granted. Just like saying: My eyes are brown, I'm 5'5", I like horses, everything always works out for my highest good. I believe it just like those other things that I know are facts -- brown eyes, my height, and the horses.

 

Because I have that belief firmly planted in my brain, it doesn't matter what happens in my life....somehow, it always works out for my highest good. When I first met my husband I told him that "everything always works out for me." He thought I was being flip. He also thought I was kidding when I told him I was one of God's favorites. After being together for 4.5 years, he admits that everything does, in fact, always work out for me and that sometimes it does seem like I'm getting a little extra help from some Higher Power.

 

When I look back on it, I really don't think I've done anything extraordinary or done things that anyone else couldn't do. I honestly believe that each person has the power to harness their thoughts and create their lives. It requires one to take responsibility for oneself, one's thoughts, one's actions and have the desire to bring about change in their own life.

 

Finally, when it comes to relationships with others, the thing I believe is key is having a good relationship with yourself. All the other relationships spring from that one. The best book I have read on that topic (and one that was quite influential in my ending up in what I defined as my ideal relationship) is "Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning Of A Lifelong Romance" by Peter McWilliams. The first few sections of it are available to read online for free at .

 

Unfortunately, the whole book is not posted due to Peter's untimely death in 2000. Whoever is taking care of his website has not seen fit to finish entering the rest of the book online. (I would gladly type in the rest in my own free time at no cost to the current website owner....that's how important I think this book is) However, there's enough of it there that you'll probably be able to determine if it will be of any help to you. If so, there are generally some used copies kicking around e-bay or link removed.

 

See, I told you I was a cheapskate.