Am I Really That Bad With Women?!

[ajaxajax]

Hi everyone

 

I'd appreciate some comments on the following matter

 

I'm 24 years old and just one guy (hopefully not only guy in my neighbourhood) without a gf. Having a gf was something I wanted to do even before high school, but so many bad things have stopped me from actually asking a lady out, everything from worrying about whether a gf would kill my chances of graduation and employment to having women pretending to like me when they're actually performing feminist stunts. It's been 7 yrs since I started uni and despite me being told how handsome I am, how much of an ideal husband I'd be etc, I never went out with a woman and never had something to back up all those good comments with! I feel incredibly frustrated now because I find all these girls who I thought would like me and/or would be OK to go out with now being taken up by guys (most look like no hopers) who just asked them out first like bullets coming out of a machine gun. To make matters worse, I had chance after chance to ask them out – something always held me back and I just hate myself for that! I also feel that if I don't break the ice with women and start asking them out – AND FAST, I will end up being either PERMANENTLY single, going out with women not even born yet or having a marriage by proxy – which are all very insulting to me!

 

So I have some Qs people (both single and attached) can look and try to answer on checking ladies out and asking them out because I know that if I start asking, someone will say 'yes' (although I don't feel it'd happen right now) and the rest will be easier.

 

So…

1. How did your past/current partner know you before asking/being asked out? And how long did it take?

2. Did you meet each other often before asking/being asked out?

3. How did you find asking him/her out and how did the other take it?

 

And…

for the men

How many times were you refused by women before asking partner out? And how did you deal with rejection?

for the ladies

Does saying 'yes' to a guy asking you out necessarily mean he's bf/husband material – even if you know him well? If not, why say 'yes' anyway?

 

I'd gladly appreciate any responses. Thanks for reading this. Take care!

[serve_the_people]

Why don't you just ask these girls out? What do you have to lose?? if one girls say no, go onto another. If 10 say no, keep trying until one says yes.

[ajaxajax]

Serve the People, that's gd response and I thank you for that. I know asking women out is just something SIMPLE. But, it's made harder because of things like:

- women looking at me in slightly funny way when I'm leading myself into asking them out (even when I'm acting normal)

- not being sure about how long I should know each lady before making them comfortable enough for me not to intimidate them

- fearing that if I do ask one out, then better (ie more likeable and compatible) ladies would see me being occupied and would never consider me later on

- not being sure on whether a woman flirting or being nicer than normal means she is actually interested and not just being friendly or setting me up

- fearing that 1 no would lead to 100 noes straight after that because of thought, "if girl A doesn't accept me despite who I am, how would others be more accepting of who I am"

 

Thanks again for comment.

[NJRon]

- I don't know why they would be looking at you funny... maybe it's because you don't actually get to the asking out part and they are wondering what you are up to?

 

- That's an individual thing for each and every girl and there's no way to know. I have gotten phone numbers from a 2 minute conversation and others it has taken me months of knowing them and hinting at going out.

 

- A woman will be much more attracted to somoeone that other women want to go out with as opposed to someone that no one goes out with. Just because you are "occupied", as long as you stay true and don't become a player, I don;t see why anyone would decide that you are forever off limits if they want to go out with you.

 

- I don't know about the issue you have had with women setting you up. I have never had that happen to me. Always just assume that they are interested... it's easier that way. Because, in fact, you'll never know until you take the plunge.

 

- 1 no doesn't lead to 100 no's. However, that's not to say you won't have 100 no's... just that there's no correlation. As a matter of fact, I asked a girl out and she said no and then introduced me to her friend and her friend said yes... which is a good thing because I think her friend is more my type anyway. It's not uncommon for me to get between 5 and 10 rejections for every yes. And it's not uncommon for many of the ones that say yes to not go beyond a first or second date, usually due to lack of interest from both of us. That's why it's important to just get out there and enjoy yourself. If you spend all your time analyzing things and put so much into "the right" girl and they reject you, well, you just wasted a lot of time and effort.

[cichlid]

1. How did your past/current partner know you before asking/being asked out? And how long did it take? We knew each other for about 8 months and were good friends. We sort of always had an attraction to each other's personalities. But I really did not want to date him because of his looks. Yes, I admit I was shallow! But he even looks back at himself and realizes he just wasn't great looking...he didn't shave and he was much heavier! He is taking care of himself now and it looks and feels better now that he shaves. He started working out and during the summer I got to know him better. I just always never took him seriously...he was just my friend that comforted me when I was down.

 

2. Did you meet each other often before asking/being asked out? LOL! We were good friends!

 

3. How did you find asking him/her out and how did the other take it? We did not ask each other out but mutually decided to become BF and GF after a brief period when he got back after summer. He was thrilled that I wanted to be his GF.

 

4. Does saying 'yes' to a guy asking you out necessarily mean he's bf/husband material – even if you know him well? If not, why say 'yes' anyway? No...dating is supposed to decide if a guy is hubby material. Yes, just means I'll give him a chance.

[princessdi75]

1. How did your past/current partner know you before asking/being asked out? And how long did it take?

 

We knew eachother for like 7 months before we started going out. We didn't even like eachother to start! My bf was my boss at our local drugstore and we argued a lot. He quit and we decided to keep in touch through email. A month later we were going out.

 

2. Did you meet each other often before asking/being asked out?

 

We went out twice just to "hang out" and it was fun and casual, but it turns out after the 2nd time we went out he kissed me and i had no idea he liked me!!

 

3. How did you find asking him/her out and how did the other take it?

 

We didn't really ask eachother out. I did ask him to go see a movie with me, but just b/c we were friends and needed someone to go with, lol.

 

4. Does saying ‘yes’ to a guy asking you out necessarily mean he’s bf/husband material – even if you know him well? If not, why say ‘yes’ anyway?

 

I'm not looking for a husband, even though I'm in a very serious commited relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend but I don't need to be married to him to commit myself to him. It's all about what both of you want in the relationship. Everyone is different and if you want different things but want to be together, you need to compromise. I am young and don't have any cares about marriage, while my boyfriend is 6 years older and is haunted by his parent's divorce and is marriage-phobic (not commitment-phobic) ...he is commited to me.

[renaissancewoman101]

1. My ex knew of me from Ren Faire. He had seen me running around Ren Faire the summer before I asked him out. I had a lot of friends from the Ren Faire so some of the people who knew me also knew him. As for asking him out, I asked him out. I had seen him at Faire and I had seen him, at two other Ren Faire parties that I had attended. I thought he had a gf so I didnt approach him. When I saw him at the last party, I went up to him and talked and through the course of the conversation, I found out that he didnt have a gf but that he had one during Faire season but she dumped him. Actually that night I asked him for his number and then we started going out within a week.

 

2. I guess I answered this question in question 1.

 

3. I had no problems asking him out. As I get older, I have come to the conclusion that if I dont go after stuff I want, I will get looked over for it, or else the chance will pass me by. So, nowadays, I usually take the proactive approach and if I like a guy, I will make the effort to go up and talk to the guy and see what happens. Sometimes, if I read some good, positive vibes coming from the guy, I may ask the guy out for a drink. It depends. My ex took it real well that I asked him out. He was kinda surprised that I would ask him out considering he had been really down on himself around that point in time since his current gf had just dumped him and he was lonely. I only found that out because after he met me and started going out with me, he would write posts in his LiveJournal about how he met me and how blessed he felt to be with me, and all that.

 

As for the last question, saying "yes" to a guy meaning his is possible bf material, I would say "yeah". If I am willing to go out with the guy, I am usually trying to assess him to see if he would make a good potential bf, just like the guy is probably assessing me to see if I would make a good potential gf.

[ShySoul]

I take a different approach. I don't ask girls out. I simple become their friend without worrying about a possible relationship. As we become closer friends, feelings start to develop. And then we mutually agree upon takeing things further. It works and is a lot less stressful then thinking you have to find someone and ask her out. Because once you know that feelings are there, you don't even have to do the asking, it just sort of flows.

[ajaxajax]

Shysoul,

 

What you've said was a nice idea, except for one problem: I have been doing it quite often over the past few years with quite a few women. Did I befriend them: yes, did they genuinely appreciate me: yes, did they put me in a position where they would like me to go out with them: NO! A lot of them already had bfs and all of the others ended up being with someone else anyway.

 

In fact, just recently, there's this Italian girl who is great in every aspect and appears to enjoy my company a lot and even appeared to like me a lot, but at a ball (in which she invited me to come over), she had me meeting her bf! I later on asked her to go out for coffee, she said yes - but later she asked if we were friends. On our 3rd coffee, she asked if I had a gf (very curious Q, but didn't want to alarm her by immediately asking her out properly). 3 months later, we had another coffee, but this time she was with her new bf! Us three all chatted for nearly an hour - but I felt crushed every second after she first spoke about HIM! And I think they've been out for more than a year, even though she and I still see each other through coffee, at uni etc and she even invited me out to her 21st.

 

The thing is, Shysoul, although I can follow that approach and not have some limit attached to it, there are ALWAYS guys who try to get a lady before I do. And in the past, this kept happening with guys asking girls out behind my back - AND STAYING WITH THEM...not giving me a chance!

 

I understand what you're saying but I feel that if I don't start taking more proactive and aggressive action rather than just keep being friends with them, I will always befriend "someone else's lady". And considering most of even those "good, decent" men are in fact jerks, I find every occupation of a girl by another guy just another stab in my own heart (OUCH!). Now explain that lol?

[silky88]

1. How did your past/current partner know you before asking/being asked out? And how long did it take?

 

We worked together for about a month and a half before we ever made out or anything... but the attraction was there since we met.

 

2. Did you meet each other often before asking/being asked out?

 

We got to know each other a little bit while working and drinking after work (we work in a restaurant, and it is customary for co-workers to sit at the bar for a drink, some food, and a cigarette after a shift ends). I would say we did that about 10 times before we hooked up at all. He asked me to accompany him and his best friend to another party after the work holiday party, so it wasn't exactly a date.

 

3. How did you find asking him/her out and how did the other take it?

 

It was a very easy, casual thing. We were pretty much inseparable already on the nights that we worked together -- always helping each other out and having GREAT post-work conversations, so it was obvious to each of us that we were liked on some level by the other, and it seemed to be a natural progression of things.

 

Does saying ‘yes’ to a guy asking you out necessarily mean he’s bf/husband material – even if you know him well? If not, why say ‘yes’ anyway?

 

If i say "yes" to a guy who asks me out:

 

If I already know him it means that I already liked him and thought he was attractive and that we'd be compatible. I'm a hopeless romantic, so if I like somebody, even if I don't tell them for whatever reason, I've already at least fantasized about what a future with them would be like.

 

If I just met them, it means that I think they're cute and they at least don't SEEM like a jerk yet. You'd be surprised (or maybe not) how many guys behave like complete asses in front of you and then will ask you out. But I'm REALLY picky.

 

I would say to you, that you can probably TELL what the right moment is to ask someone out, just don't clam up when that moment comes -- and don't take rejection too hard if she says no.

 

I must say that none of my real relationships have come out of "dates" though. It's always been "hangouts" or going to catch a band together or something and the dates come later: we'll be hanging out one day and if the guy says "Are you hungry, do you want to go grab some food," and then takes me somewhere decent and pays for it, it turns out it was a date. You'll be able to tell whether or not she is comfortable with the idea of it being a date or not.

 

For me it is important that friendship -- or at least some quality "hang out and talk" time comes before a date situation. And that friendship may be all it turns into, but if so, that's how it was meant to be and there's no use trying to turn it into something else.

 

Follow your instincts, don't be afraid to make a move if you think the time is right, and don't be afraid to move on to the next girl if one turns you down.