Does It Mean I'll Never Have A Good Relationship

[venus777]

So, after much searching, I've finally found a guy I have a bit of interest in; this brings up a lot of questions for me...

 

I had a first good two relationships, then I had a really bad one, moved to the east coast with him, i was pathetic and suicidal, came back, we were best friends for a while, though we only talk occasionally now. then, i had a relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive to me, followed by a subsequent "dating" with a guy that couldn't possibly care less about me that lasted for maybe two months, with lots of drama ending it.

 

When I look back on this I get a sudden feeling of anxiety in my stomach. Am I incapable of a relationship? Is it something inherent in me? I feel so sick just thinking about it... I feel like I've learned a lot from my experiences, namely not to give myself up to a guy I'm with well emotionally, and definitely physically, at least for a while (I don't know how long). I know that what I've done by dating this people has caused a sort of PTSD worse than that I attained in my childhood with my abusive parents. It's scary, I think in all other aspects other than the most personal and intimate of relationships, I'm totally normal, capable, strong, lots of people compliment me on how fantastic I seem given the circumstances I grew up in, but in terms of my relationships, I look back on them and they went all wrong...

 

Has anyone else felt the same way?? And that has also been in a relationship that was good after all that?

[annie24]

LOL - yes, I think we've all been there.

 

Your post is what the whole premise of Sex and the City is about!!!!!

[puppy]

hi

 

I guess most people do have such thought running through their head. Instead of finding someone "better", maybe you should try to focus on finding someone that is "compatible" with you. In saying that, compromise is also a consideration.

 

Good luck.

 

Woof Woof!

[venus777]

it's not about other people, it's about me, and annie, that's funny, i wonder if that's why i've been soooooo addicted to that lately. i never thought of that.

[Relationship Coach]

Relationships are like cars, we've all had good ones and bad ones. Even the great ones break down from time to time, that's life. Is it possible that your choice in men is poor? You need the right partner to have a successful relationship, is their a common trait which these guys shared? Sometimes we repeat our mistakes because we don't see we are drawn to an unhealthy type. Is it about you or your bad choices? Can you have a great relationship, yes. Find the right guy and don't let your past keep repeating yourself.

 

Don't diagnose yourself with PTSD unless a professional has diagnosed you. Even at that, if it was attached to an event in your childhood such as abuse, more than likely it's not a factor in your poor choices.

 

RC

[venus777]

well, actually a professional did diagnose me and i think it is a factor in my poor choices; it's partly true that it's about finding the right guy, but it's also true that it's about my becoming needy and thus clinging to a guy even when he is the wrong one, that i feel is associated in some way with my childhood and the current state of my family: completely fallen apart.

aside from that, i look for bad boys, interesting boys, this means boys i probably can't keep cause they are all over the place, that's why i'm attracted to them, i dunno, i can't help it.

but this guy i'm into, i hope it'll be different, we have only gone on two dates and he hasn't tried to kiss me, good sign, and is polite and even opened his car door for me even though he can unlock the door electronically. it's nice. sweet touch. i'm smitten. also an artist, but not flakey like the last one i dated... but i'm looking out for warning signs, and if i see them, then i'm running the other direction!

[ShySoul]

aside from that, i look for bad boys, interesting boys, this means boys i probably can't keep cause they are all over the place, that's why i'm attracted to them, i dunno, i can't help it.

 

You just said the problem. You had abusive parents, right? What you picked up from them was that this is how couples are suppose to act, that this is the kind of treatment you should expect to have. It's what you know. So you seek out people who fit that profile. And then when they turn out to be jerks, that further reinforces in your mind that you will never have a good relationship. Part of it may also be trying to rectify the situation with your parents. You think that if you can make it work with a bad boy, then it makes up for what you couldn't do with your parents.

 

But ultimately, these people will never fulfill you and make you happy. It's just repeating a cycle that ends in hurt. That doesn't mean that you are stuck like this forever. It just means you have to find a way to break free.

 

but this guy i'm into, i hope it'll be different, we have only gone on two dates and he hasn't tried to kiss me, good sign, and is polite and even opened his car door for me even though he can unlock the door electronically. it's nice. sweet touch. i'm smitten.

 

Sounds promising so far. Try not to worry about it or think you don't deserve this and will mess it up. Relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is as it progresses. I hope this works out for you.

[fishrrshortae]

Wow Venus reading your post was like reading my life story, minus the PTSD and abusive parents. I don't know why on earth I picked such losers. My only regret at this point, because I'm not prone to regrets, is that these men completely destroyed my ability to love and trust.

 

One thing that I have thought of, is to take things really slow with any guy you are with. Wait a LONG time, a year or two, before you even consider something like moving in together, or marriage, or anything. Take time really getting to know the person, because if he is a jerk, it'll show in that time.

 

Other than that, I don't know what to say because I have the exact same problem..

 

I guess I'll end it with: Best of luck with the one you're seeing

[venus777]

you know, i have been thinking that i HAVE learned a lot and i'm going to try and use those lessons. one of them is NOT having sex early. in every single relationship i've ever had i had sex super early and a relationship developed from that, but i think especially once you have some baggage you are carrying developing trust is important and to KNOW who the person is before you get attached to them by having sex... so last night, third date, we just held hands, he is not pressuring anything and holding hands felt so intense, WOW, i didn't know holding hands could feel so good....

[ShySoul]

I'm smiling for you Venus. It sounds like this relationship really has a chance to be what you've needed and have been waiting for. Don't rush anything, just enjoy things and take it as it comes. He sounds like a good guy and I'm hoping this turns out to be something special for you.

 

And holding hands does feel incredible.

[venus777]

Thank you!! Yes, holding hands never felt so good. I've been on a cloud all day.

Oh and his hair smelled so nice (he has dreads and put some sort of something in it that smelled so good) and I keep feeling like I still smell it. Sigh...