I'm not happy...

[lost4ever]

I'm new and need help badly. My boyfriend and I moved in together after a month of being together. We've now been together for almost a year. We always fight. We've been fighting since we met. I'm not happy but love him sooo much. The problem is that he gets angry all the time and gets on some kind of power trip. I used to be able to handle the fighting but now it's gotten so bad that I hate myself, I cry hard, I take the blame even when it isn't my fault. I've started to give up trying to work things out. I'm getting weaker and losing my self esteem and pride. I need space to really think about this but he won't let me go without a fight or a break up. Sometimes when I or he decides to break up and I start packing, I start to think to myself how much I love him and don't really want to leave, so I don't. I want this relationship to work out so badly and I try but sometimes I don't think he is really trying. I tell him exactly how I feel but I don't think he listens to me and really is doing anything about his anger issues. Every fight, whether it's my fault or not, ends up where I'm saying sorry, it's my fault. Also he always puts me down and calls me names that hurt like hell and he thinks just because he can handle stuff like that, that I'm strong enough to handle his constant name calling and putting me down when we fight. I'm losing myself and my strength to stay. I really want to stay because he is a good man and he is good to me WHEN WE DON'T fight. I don't know how to make this work. I don't want to call it quits. How do I save this relationship without losing myself?

[friscodj]

Hi lost4ever-

 

Welcome to ENA! I'm sorry you are joining us under such circumstances...

 

Here's what I want you to do. I want to you re-read what you wrote, and pretend your best friend just wrote this to you. What would you say to her????? Think about that...

 

You absolutely need to get out of this relationship imediately. This is a toxic relationship that is killing you emotionally. I know you love this guy but love yourself too! You can and should love him from a distance...

 

Please, get out now...then disappear and make sure this guy can't find you...because I think he will try...and I think things might escalate with his anger...can you find a few stout guy friends to be with you during this process?

[Meow18]

There's no way for you to save yourself. Staying with this guy is just going to keep bringing you down.

 

He's the one you love. He's the one who is supposed to love you. No matter what, you don't deserve to be called names. You deserve to be more respected than that. And just because you are in a fight doesn't make the way he treats you right.

 

It's not right! It's not right at all. Your relationship is not healthy. You might love him, but that's not all a relationship can be about. He has to treat you with respect and actually care about your feelings.

 

Don't you feel like you deserve more than this? You did not know this guy at all when you moved in with him. It's impossible to know a person after only a month. Now you know the real him. He's not going to change unless he really wants to for himself. And obviously the way you feel isn't enough to make him want to change.

 

You can't help how you feel about him, but staying with him is your choice. You are choosing to risk your self esteem and your happiness over this guy. Trust me, you can do better, and you deserve better.

 

If you choose to leave him, you will eventually get over him. Yes, it will hurt, but we will help you through it and you will get better! Wouldn't you rather that happen than staying with him and just feeling worse and worse about your own self??

[lost4ever]

i love him so much and he really is a good man. i feel that if he just can control his anger and understand me more that he will change. He doesn't physically harm me and he treats me like a queen when we aren't fighting. should i still leave and give up trying? i understand that this is bad for me emotionally and maybe mentally but i have a feeling that may be he will change. i just need to know how to help him become a better person during a fight. i don't know what to do to be honest. do you think that it would be ok if i at least tried to help him as much as i could?

[friscodj]

i love him so much and he really is a good man. i feel that if he just can control his anger and understand me more that he will change. He doesn't physically harm me and he treats me like a queen when we aren't fighting. should i still leave and give up trying? i understand that this is bad for me emotionally and maybe mentally but i have a feeling that may be he will change. i just need to know how to help him become a better person during a fight. i don't know what to do to be honest. do you think that it would be ok if i at least tried to help him as much as i could?

 

You may think you love this guy, but I think you are mistaking love for infatuation. One month is way too soon to think you truly "know" someone.

 

The first few months of a relationship should be the "honeymoon" phase where everything is rosy. Don't fall into the trap many, many more before you have thought that "things will change." Why will they change? What is causing this change?

 

Stop living in the fantasy world of thinking "things will change" and get out now before you get in deeper and getting out becomes harder and harder to do...

[perseverance_rules]

i totally agree with frisco...

 

I was in a two year relationship with a woman and we fought constantly, maybe not from the beginning, but it felt that way. TRUST ME, please! TRUST ME! If youre fighting from the beginning, you will never be happy! NEVER. If you get out now you will see what our point is very soon. You will be happy that you left with your pride of not having to settle for someone you think you love. Youll relize that he is NOT the one for you. It is so hard for you to think anything but loving this guy, but its not love when two people constantly fight and argue over things, think about it. You are in lust with a guy and cant imagine life without him, but you can do it...but you have to get out first so you can smell the roses and wake up to know you deserve better, and you can totally find a mate that you are compatible with, because obviously you two arent the ones.

[The Hyralian One]

You really should listen to these people. You're only hurting yourself. Find a way to slowly detach yourself, or just get the hell outta there. Trust us, its better in the long run. Do it for yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship. Do not limit yourself to waiting.

[skyjuice]

Every relationship has to work it out.

So we shouldn't give up easily.

We couple are not happy, there must be a problem arise.

i think both of your problem comes from arguments.

So communication is important.

Both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other properly.

[RayKay]

Your post was full of red flags.

 

1) You have been fighting since you met.

2) You moved in anyway after a month.

3) You "accept" blame and apologize even when you are not in the wrong.

4) He seems to get a power trip from fighting with you and "winning".

5) You hate yourself and have low self esteem.

6) You two "threaten" to break up many times over.

7) You don't feel he listens to you.

8 )He is not taking responsibility for his part in the relationship and the arguments.

9) He calls you names and puts you down.

10) He is only good to you when you don't fight.

11) You stay as you believe he can change.

 

Wow, well, that list is enough for me to say....this relationship is extremely unhealthy.

 

He is verbally abusive. He desires control more then compromise.

 

When you are in a healthy, loving relationship, even when you disagree you can treat each other well. There is NEVER EVER an excuse or a need to call someone names, belittle them or threaten to break up.

 

You are being a doormat. You stay no matter what he says, no matter how much he hurts you. You are do desperate to keep him you will apologize for things you did not even do.

 

To be "half" of a relationship should never require you to lose all of yourself, and it is pretty apparent you have done so.

 

People change only when they want to, for themselves. He is not making any choice to change.

 

This is not normal, this is not healthy, and this is not true love...as you are not loving yourself even in this, and he sure isn't loving you fully either. I know it's hard to see that - I have been where you are - but once you get out and move on, you will realize just how free you can be, and discover how love is so much more enriching then this. That the ones whom love us love us ALWAYS, and don't put us down to bring themselves up.

[lost4ever]

Thank you so much everyone! I really needed all this advice. Right now I don't feel strong enough to leave. I will try to gather up my strength to do it but in the meantime I will also see if we could work out our communication towards each other. Maybe I'm just giving excuses to stay. I don't know. I will definetely take some time to let your thoughts sink in so that I can do the right thing for myself. I need to reevaluate what I want from him, myself and this relationship.

[Meow18]

The problem is that you think things will be so much better if he learns to control his anger and tries to understand you. The thing is, if he hasn't cared to do that yet, then there's a good chance he won't.

 

There's a good chance that he knows you aren't strong enough to leave him, so he thinks he can treat you any way that he wants.

 

Figure out what you need for yourself. What really makes me sad is that you don't think you are strong enough to leave him. You aren't strong enough because of this relationship. Staying in it is only going to make you weaker. I fear that you'll never leave him even though it's what you need.

 

I hope you think about yourself here. Your boyfriend is not going to take any steps to change himself if he hasn't done it already. It's just sad that you aren't understanding that you deserve someone who would want to change to help the relationship..

[friscodj]

Thank you so much everyone! I really needed all this advice. Right now I don't feel strong enough to leave. I will try to gather up my strength to do it but in the meantime I will also see if we could work out our communication towards each other. Maybe I'm just giving excuses to stay. I don't know. I will definetely take some time to let your thoughts sink in so that I can do the right thing for myself. I need to reevaluate what I want from him, myself and this relationship.

 

I think you need to get out ASAP. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

 

Also realize with these types of guys, after you leave, there's a good chance he'll come back to you, and tell you everything you want to hear. Of course, they don't change, and things go back to the way they were...so be strong...

 

Let me ask you this. Why do you think things will change? What signs or actions has he showed you to make you think this way? What would you tell your best friend if she described this situation to you that was going on with her? Could you possibly be living with a baseless hope that things will magically change? I think so...

[perseverance_rules]

nice post ray

[loveandlive]

If you really love him and want to make him work, and he does as well... maybe if you're really serious about the relationship consider both of you going to couples counseling.. and if he denies you in doing so, then I think that is a clear sign he isn't willing enough to make it work as you are, and you should find someone better than him. Remember... there are millions of other fish in the sea! ANd many who will not fight with you over everything!