For those thinking of breaking NC

[majord23]

There seems to be alot of threads lately about people who are thinking of, or who actually *have* broken NC.

 

A thought that I have employed when facing such a dilemma is this:

 

As bad as it feels for an ex to not be contacting you, it feels alot worse when an ex doesn't respond to you.

 

Being ignored is far worse than not being contacted.

 

I'm not saying that people shouldn't be breaking NC (each situation is different), but please keep this in mind before acting.

[solo34]

Great post....and VERY true. As much as WE ALL probably want 2 break the NC, we MUST let them find out that the grass possibly isn't/wasn't greener, and/or that they've made a mistake. It's not until they realize and until THEY want 2 communicate that we should even BEGIN 2 consider breaking NC.

 

Again, great topic/post MajorD23!

 

-Solo34

[deejay74]

There seems to be alot of threads lately about people who are thinking of, or who actually *have* broken NC.

 

A thought that I have employed when facing such a dilemma is this:

 

As bad as it feels for an ex to not be contacting you, it feels alot worse when an ex doesn't respond to you.

 

Being ignored is far worse than not being contacted.

 

I'm not saying that people shouldn't be breaking NC (each situation is different), but please keep this in mind before acting.

 

or, if you get in contact, your ex could be mean or nasty to you for no reason, leaving with more questions and/or hurt because you can't figure out why they're acting like that. trust me on this one, it happened to me.

 

and here's another reason, you just might get information that you may not want to know about. such as who they might be seeing or something like that. or they may be vague about something and then you conjure up all sorts of scenarios that may or may not be true.

[Echo]

I agree 100% Major!! Thank you for pointing this out. I have been there and done this..and after getting NO response or reply..I kicked myself...and in addition had undone ALL that hard work. NOT worth it!!!! I am in my second month of NC and feeling much better....I feel like I am almost to the point of no return. It took me a LONG time to get here though. I did my share of breaking NC....and it really does NOTHING but set you back. Believe me, your ex'es are NOT sitting around dreaming of you...as much as you wanna believe that. They are out getting on with their lives, being happy...and SO should you!!! Happiness is the BEST revenge, so get happy!!

[red10]

Good post Major - I totally agree!

 

After my breakup, a couple of weeks later I IM'd him (not too bad, but a dumb idea)- he sounded happy to hear from me, chatting like nothing happened, told me he wanted to call, but wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him (which he was right about!) and told me he went for a job interview - in the area where SHE lives - why do that? but then he asked me what i've been up to - told him the truth, i've been going away, visiting friends - enjoying my life without him...and then the day before v-day he IM'd me...i hesitated at first, but they said hi back, and he told me he was going snowboarding the next day - i told him to have fun and left it at that.

 

Talking to an Ex, whether it's letters, IM, phone, in person - especially fresh out of a break up (for whatever the reason of breakup is) is not always a great idea, doesn't really get you anywhere, except it leaves you to continue to wonder what he/she's doing without you and it opens up all of the wounds that we are so desparately trying to heal!

[Rivpt]

i agree with all of this, and i've been back and forth between strong NC and breaking it for a long long time. i tell my ex i don't want to talk anymore, yet she still texts me a few times a week. if i don't respond she texts again saying it's not cool that i am ignoring her. and if i write back anything saying "you are seeing someone new, please text them" or something to that effect...she gets defensive. i know 100% all she wants is to keep me in the picture so that whenever she feels like it she can come back...but i don't want that anymore and i don't think she gets it. i don't have anybody else, but i don't want to be with her again...at least not until i have dated other people as well. i made a promise to myself that i would not ever be with her again until i was with someone else, because she was my first longterm gf and i need to make sure i don't just miss having a gf but that i miss HER being my gf. it's like she refuses to let me go NC for more than a week or two at a time. it bothers me when she texts but i try not to be mean in response.

[Nathalie1970]

NC is the way to go. It's like an addiction, you need to go cold turkey. I have been there and done that, and end up feeling worse than I did before the breaking of NC (whether by him or me).

 

I do want him to realize that he royally screwed up but at this point I don't think I really want him back. I know I deserve a happy, healthy relationship and unfortunately, it wasn't to be with him.

[Rivpt]

i'm going to do whatever i have to do to stick with the promise i made to myself. i think if we ever were to hang out again, etc. once she gets out of grad school (i am a few years older) i would be doing it knowing that i have dated others and that they werent the ones for me either.

 

to be completely honest, i think in her mind she wants us to just date other people the next year or so while she's away again and in her mind as long as neither of us meet anyone we're serious with in the meantime that she will move back here and possibly take it from there. i don't want to be a fallback option so that's why i am just hoping to meet someone i can spend time with. i don't even want a gf, i just would like someone to go to the movies, etc. that would directly make me take my mind off of my ex and what she is doing at school.

[solo34]

Yeah man, just have a friend that's female and see where it goes from there...after all, U need 2 be friends before anything else. NC is very east my friend...DON'T even respond 2 her. It's that simple.

 

-Solo34

[Rivpt]

i'm just so sick of thinking about it that i've pretty much done everything except raise my voice and say to stop texting me. i've said i don't want to talk, i've said i don't want to be part of the situation anymore...yet she won't just let me be. like i said, it's like she wants to make sure i'll still jump when she texts me...just b/c she knows deep down she's not over me yet either no matter what she does while she's away at school.

[solo34]

So, just look at the texts and don't reply, or don't even look at 'em and not reply. Your choice....it's really THAT easy. Don't worry about losing her, because if she's yours...then she WILL be yours. In time, she's going 2 realize that it's her loss anyway.

 

-Solo34

[octopus]

Exactly. Great post.

 

You break NC, you either find out what you didn't want to know, or get rejected, or get ignored. I don't think "Oh your email reminded me how much I'm in love with you" is a possibility.

[Mavh25]

what is nc, sorry to be ignorant

[solo34]

NC is NO CONTACT....you're not ignorant, U simply didn't know.

 

-Solo34

[tigerwalk]

I would like to clarify something for myself. When we say NC, is that NC for both of us? Is anyone/everyone advocating not responding if/when the dumper contacts the dumpee?

 

If we truly want to get back with the ex, shouldn't we respond if the ex wants to take a shot at reconciling?

[red10]

NC isn't for getting someone back - it's for getting youself back together, a tactic used for healing....and moving on, not trying to get the other back.

 

it's really hard though, to not want to think "maybe he'll come back....maybe he'll miss me..." just something we need to do for ourselves - those who are the dumpees -

 

BUT, it all depends on the situation and the people.

[solo34]

Yeah, NC is 2 help yourself and give your ex the opportunity 2 realize what it's TRULY like without U in his/her life. If the ex comes back, then the ball's in your court. I'm not sure what 2 do if my ex comes back....guess I'll be on here asking all U guys what 2 do if she comes back....haha.

 

-Solo34

[octopus]

tigerwalk; I look at NC as "I won't initiate contact".

He sometimes IM's me and I respond in the minimal possible way.

[tigerwalk]

I know I'm asking for clarification but here's what happened to me. I did NC for several weeks until I received a couple of emails from my ex (one that was a "send this to 20 people you care about" and another asking about the health of my grandfather.) I took this as an opportunity to re-establish contact and tell her how I truly felt about her and our future. I got no response and pressed the issue almost a week later. Finally, I got 2 texts telling me that she didn't want what I wanted and then to leave her alone.

 

I still believe that she will try to make contact again. But, it might be a while....when she's more ready. Even then, I will be looking for more of an effort from her before I can open my heart and emotions to her again.

 

Octopus, I like your suggestion of responding to her contact in the most minimally possible way.

 

The heart gets in the way of the brain sometimes, though.

[solo34]

Yeah TigerWalk...see, that's why U have have 2 make sure she's actually WANTING U back. She'll let U know by telling U straight up, or by leaving better "clues." I'd take nothing but her telling me straight up though, myself.

 

Good luck.

 

-Solo34

[blender]

Hey everyone, I've been doing "no contact" for over seven months and then received an email from the ex asking if we could get together for a "heart to heart", saying he's sorry he never called in all this time, (seven months) and that he wants to "share things with me about his life", well I'm still not over him so I decided to not respond, it was a very difficult desicion, but I knew I was not strong enough to hear that he might be contacting me now to "be friends", but I guess I will never know why he contacted me, but like you said, I need to hear it "straight out" that he wants to "try again", a vague email after all this time is too risky for me, and I guess I will always wonder if he really wanted me back or not.... but I'm too afraid to respond..just getting myself together after all the heartbreak of not hearing from him for so long.... I hope I did the right thing..... what do you guys think?

[solo34]

See Blender...that's EXACTLY what I'm afraid of. Getting that call or email from her saying something similar 2 what U just got. Although, I would bet money that if he wants U back, he'll email U again. Understand that he probably just got out of a relationship recently...he's probably realized that U are 4 him. Just give it sometime...see what happens. I wish that I did NC since she left me on October 28th...Unfortunately, I did it on January 4th. Now it's only going on almost 2 months of NC. If I did it right away, it'd be going on almost 5 months. Good luck 2 us all...keep in touch with us if U need support.

 

-Solo34

[whatif]

Well, my gf broke up with me two months ago, and I started NC three weeks ago after I came accross enotalone. Amazingly, I felt self respect and confidence after a long time. I read so many great posts and realized that I have been feeling inferior to her all this time and I neglected my feelings and respect.

I am usually off on weekends, but I was asked if I could work yesterday (saturday) and I volunteered to help out. She usually work on Saturdays and when saw me on the floor she was surprised. I was in my jeans and she must thought I was there to talk to her. When she saw me, she asked me, "heyyy what you doing here on a saturday in your casual dress code? I said they asked me to help out and I am on the floor today and just kept walking. For some strange reason, a few hours later, I had this strong urge to ask her if she wants to go have a drink after work. Something we did so many times when we were together. I called and and left a message as follows, "hey I want to go have a drink after work, you want to give me some company? I just want to talk to you and have a drink together, nothing else into it. If you don't feel comfortable or don't think its a good idea, don't worry about it. Just let me know" She texted me back, "K one drink". We met up at Bennigans after work, and talked and had a drink. She looked confused and awkard at the beginning. I think she thought i was going to do more begging. I started chit chating with a positive attitude and asked about her family and stuffs. She asked if I was ok, I said I am doing fine and everything happened for a good reason. We had a great time, and when we were about to leave, she started crying. I comforted her and took her to her car and said thanks for coming out with me and good bye. After we took off, she called me and she said she never meant to hurt me and that I am a great person. I said almost the same. I feel so great today and I am not even thinking about her anymore.

[solo34]

Nice job, WhatIf....nice avatar...U like the Asian hotties as well I see. Yeah, my ex is a gorgeous Asian woman. Damn, now U got me thinking about her homie, haha.

 

-Solo34

[Orlander]

That's a good start to NC, whatif. Leaving with the upper hand, so to speak, is often a confidence boost. Now, just don't initiate or accept contact with her in the future and you are well on your way.