Six Connections Couples Must Make

[tigerwalk]

Through many relationships that I have been in or observed, I have concluded that there are six major connections that two people must make in order to have an everlasting relationship. And when I say everlasting, I mean that one-of-a-kind relationship, one where you know that those two people were truly made for each other. Studies have shown that only 5% off the couples out there are truly each others' soul mates. In my search to find out what keeps these "five-percenters" together, I have determined that these couples are making all six of the connections. The most notable of these are my grandparents (married 56 years), and my brother and sister-in-law (married 8 years). I believe that you can make 5 of 6 connections and still have a lifelong marriage. I believe my parents fit this category (married 36 years). I believe that couples that make 4 of 6 connections will have a relationship that will last in the 15-20 year range. Couples that make 3 of 6, I look at an 8-10 year relationship. If you make 2 of 6, the relationship will probably last 5 years, tops. This is what I believe we had in my marriage. If you make 1 of 6 connections, that's good for a little while but not long. Zero of six connections will get you a one night stand, if even that. This is what I have observed. Try looking around and see what you observe.

Before I begin with the connections, let me define what a connection is. I define a connection as something that is agreed on by both members of the couple on multiple levels. For most of the connections, communication is the key. Let me reiterate. Open, honest communication is the single most important factor in determining whether or not the factors are there to make a connection.

 

The first connection that couples must make is a physical connection. As shallow as it sounds, if both people are not physically attracted to each other, they will not get past an initial hello.

 

The next three connections do not have to be in any particular order, but I will list them in what I feel is a natural progression of things.

 

The next connection that I feel that couples must make is an emotional connection. Both partners in a relationship must feel the same toward each other, other people, or particular events that span a lifetime. Again, this is something that is usually realized early on in a relationship, and it comes from effective communication.

 

The next connection that I feel that couples must make is an intellectual connection. A couple must be able to talk to each other on the same level. This is probably one of the connections of lesser importance, but you must be able to have and hold meaningful conversations. A person in a relationship must not feel superior nor inferior to the other because of intellectual ability. On the other hand, an intellectual connection is not merely confined to book smarts. Most of the time, common sense and logic are all someone needs to effectively communicate with others.

 

The next connection that I feel that couples must make is a spiritual connection. There are two different levels of this connection. The first is the bigger picture of religion. Two people must have the same beliefs and values to make this connection. It's as simple as, "Do you believe in what I believe in?" The second part of this connection is an unspoken part that many times is hard to recognize. At the beginning of a lot of relationships, there comes a moment that you pick up the phone to call and there is a busy signal because they are trying to call you also. In simpler terms, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" It's unexplainable sometimes, but it's just there. Again, open, honest communication is the key.

 

The next connection that I feel that couples must make is a sexual connection. The man in me thinks this should probably be number two. However, I believe if you want to honestly keep this connection, you should probably have worked on the previous four to some extent. There's not a lot to explain about this connection other than you know when it's there and when it's not. It is something that can be worked on and attained, but again, only through very honest communication with your partner.

 

Finally, the last connection that I feel that couples must make is what I call an expectation connection. There are two parts of this connection: a macro and a micro. The macro part of the connection involves what one partner expects out of the other in a big picture sense. This includes but is not limited to: is the man or the woman the head of the household, who expects whom to work and how much or if at all, do you want kids and a family, who is the major breadwinner or is it equally divided, do you want the same out of life that I do, etc. These and many others are all questions that must be answered prior to any serious long-term commitment. Period. If they are not answered, the relationship cannot and will not go any further without these answers. The micro part of the connection deals with more of the domestic responsibilities of the house. Who takes out the trash? Do you cook and I clean? Do I go to the store while you mow the lawn? Who pays the bills and takes care of the checkbook? Again, the questions and responsibilities that can be listed here are too numerous. Without a doubt, this connection is of utmost importance after the physical attraction connection because it is the basis for the rest of the long term relationship.

 

Bear in mind, each of the facets are connections, not attractions. A person can be attracted to a particular quality of a person without having a connection in that area. There are other factors that I believe can be narrowed down and placed into these six connections. I ask you to take a look at your relationships and those around you and let me know what you think. It can always use a little refining. Bear in mind, however, that I have put four years into this theory and believe in it fully, but I always keep an open mind. I would like to make this an open discussion. Also, feel free to IM me if you like.

[Dako]

Bear in mind, however, that I have put four years into this theory and believe in it fully, but I always keep an open mind. I would like to make this an open discussion.

 

Quite a theory! As a relative beginner at this subject, I can't really say I have an opinion on its validity.

 

But I do wonder one thing. As Dr. Phil would ask, "How's that working for ya?" Are you firing on all six cylinders these days? If so, you've got something workin for ya.

[Aporia]

The next connection that I feel that couples must make is a spiritual connection. There are two different levels of this connection. The first is the bigger picture of religion. Two people must have the same beliefs and values to make this connection. It's as simple as, "Do you believe in what I believe in?" The second part of this connection is an unspoken part that many times is hard to recognize. At the beginning of a lot of relationships, there comes a moment that you pick up the phone to call and there is a busy signal because they are trying to call you also. In simpler terms, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" It's unexplainable sometimes, but it's just there. Again, open, honest communication is the key.

 

i agree. you both have to have the same state of thinking or state of mind. i can't see how people with opposing religious beliefs could get along. i'm an agnostical atheist and i honestly couldn't see myself with someone who has strong relgious beliefs. to me that would be a different way of thinking a different perspective which i consider to be narrow minded.

 

in relationships it's healthy to have different views on certain aspects but a line has to be drawn somewhere sometimes people can be just too different

[Dako]

My ex was a Christian, and I'm agnostic.

It wasn't an issue for 27 years

 

My brother's an agnostic and his wife's orthodox jewish

Never heard of friction over it. 26 years and still hitched.

[Aporia]

it's different in those cases and the zillions of other couples out there with different religions. i'm not the type of person that could be with someone that thinks very differently to me.

 

like a catholic and protestant for example those relgions are quite similar

 

but an complete atheist and a muslim who's very religious i can't see them getting along since they both feel strongly about their beliefs or lack of belief

 

then there's people that say they are this and that but never really thought about it because they don't care and religion isn't important in their life.

[healinginnyc81]

I think the theory makes some good points.

But I also think people of different religious beliefs can get along fine if they are tolerant of differences or even if they like differences because it leads to good discussions/debates.

I think the intellectual connection is not so much about ability but about what intellectual pursuits you're into. Are you deep into politics or philosophy or languages, history, etc.

[hosswhispra]

Great and insightful post, tigerwalk.

 

At this stage of the game of where I am in life (being 31 and never having a boyfriend), I honestly have to say (and while it may sound facetious) I think that I may have a better shot at winning the 365 million dollar Powerball lottery--than finding my match.

 

hosswhispra

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

I think all of your points are important and reasonable, however, predicting an outcome based on this is questionable.

A lot of things that attract people are unconscious, or things like partner's unique smell.

 

Propinquity theory of mate selection has 6 major parts, quite similar to yours.

 

So, but again, predicting the future outcome is impossible. Too much chance is involved. People change, circumstances changes.

 

Imagine a car. And some one lists conditions necessary to predict that it will start and drive, or even more, be drivable for certain amount of years.

 

The person might start something like: the car needs to have four wheels, needs to have an engine, fuel, ignition system, ignition key, steering wheel, drive belts, water pump... Sounds reasonable? But there are things like throttle position sensor, cam shaft position sensor, oxygen senson, pcv valve, computer.... all very complicated, which is hard to keep in mind or predict its reliability... Same in relationships... too many hidden things we are unaware of, or simply that are in the future beyong our control.

 

What if two people match (agree) on all of these connections, but next day comes a man who has all that plus is much better looking and with more money... will the relationship still survive expected number of years?...

 

 

I guess my botom line is, human relationships are not directly measurable or predictable.

[Unchained_melody]

I agree with Mikhail, but I think what Tigerwalk meant was these are 6 of the things that we can generally follow to achieve or try to achieve a long lasting relationship. They may not always work ofcourse, but it's a good start i think.

 

And those of you who think, people with similar religious backgrounds get along better than those who do not? You don't have to figure out why there is terrorism in the world or conflict in countries, I can see it in a relationship with partners who come from different religious backgrounds.

 

Can I say that religion is not necessarily 'the way we think', it is how we feel. The differences in the way we think perhaps tigerwalk meant, if one person thinks too differently from the other and most importantly if they are bothering the hell out of eachother with how they think and what they're into.

I think people can have differences in ways of thinking and also differences in mental interests or philosophies.

My partner doesn't believe in god, but I kinda do.

It doesn't bother me, just as long as he isn't cheating, killing people, lying to me, physically abusing me, critisising me or hurting himself or anyone i care about and as long as he loves me and spends reasonable amount of time with me as well. Then he can do whatever he wants.

[novaseeker]

On the religion issue, it really depends on what the person believes.

 

If the person believes that their faith is the "one true faith", in the sense that everything else is somehow wrong or deficient, then of course they can't really hook up well outside their own faith.

 

On the protestants and catholics issue, I had to chuckle. I know many Catholics who would never dream of marrying a "protestant", because for a certain kind of Catholics, protestantism is really considered a different religion. Which again reinforces my point that it's all about the individuals involved and how strongly their hold their beliefs, and what they really believe about them.

[tigerwalk]

I started compiling this list after my divorce, about four years ago. It was after I was able to come to terms with the end of, what I thought was, the most important relationship I would ever have, that I realized that there was something more to her just leaving. Coming up with this theory proved very therapeutic. I realized that over the course of a five year relationship that we only made two connections. I thought that she was the most beautiful woman I could ever know and I was trying to play beach volleyball for a living so I couldn't have been all that hard to look at. lol And the sex was the most amazing I had ever had. Looking back on it, that's all we had. Period. I cannot even attempt to stretch anything to find another connection. With that hindsight, I can justify that we were not meant to be together after all. (And that goes against everything I have ever believed).

 

Fast forward to my current ex, I can now see that we made only 3 connections: physical, emotional, and spiritual. The good and the bad of it is that if we (she) wanted to, we could attempt to make another connection or two with time and open communication. But, after nine months, we should have been able tp do that.......I think.

[PassionatePices]

Thanks for link Milhail.

[healinginnyc81]

I have to disagree with the idea that you can put a timeline on the relationship based on the connections.

 

With my ex we had the physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and expectations connections. We had very similar philosophies on life, passions and interests, dreams and similar childhood experiences. We're both studying accounting and philosophy at college. We were extremely compatible. Our breakup wasn't about being incompatible. One of her reasons was "we're too similar." I think however, after 2.5 years we were starting to lose the emotional connection because neither of us was too good at handling the stresses of school/work, keeping up with family/friends and we didn't have as much free time to spend with each other and we tended to get depressed. Unfortunately, when we got depressed we didn't talk as much about our feelings, and that's when she met someone else.

 

According to the theory we should have been together for like 20 years. Our relationship lasted 2 years and 9 months. We had already gotten jobs in new york and were planning to move in together, but that's all over now.

 

I truly believe that we didn't work because neither of us was ready for a relationship. We both made a lot of "rookie" mistakes and we just couldn't really handle the work needed to keep the relationship alive.

[tigerwalk]

Please don't think that I'm trying to put time restraints on the number of connections made. Certainly there are always exceptions to every rule and these are not hard and fast rules. They are merely suggestions or guidelines based in my own personal experiences and observations. Extenuating circumstances throw everything out the window. Thanks for the feedback, though!

[melrich]

I think you have probably nailed the key elements required for a relationship to be a success. I liked your 6 connections but like some of the other posters I am not so sure about using them to make quantative assumptions about the length or ultimate success of a relationship.

 

Well thought out though.

[tigerwalk]

Maybe instead of timeline suggestions, they should be chances of survival for the number of connections made.

 

Of course, being a guy, we're always going to try to quantify everything.

[melrich]

Of course, being a guy, we're always going to try to quantify everything.

 

LOL....too true. But I think the human relationship is simply one of those things you shouldn't even attempt to qantify...there are way too many exceptions to any one rule you want to make.

[healinginnyc81]

tigerwalk, okay I was hung up on the idea of predicting how a relationship will be or how long it will last. I didn't mean to criticise your ideas. Like you said there are always other circumstances that change things.

 

But I like your points in order to evaluate relationships in general and how compatible two people in a relationship are. Thanks for the insights.