Having trouble surviving the break-up?

[Boricua7]

There is nothing more damaging than someone who does NC with the intention of winning their ex back and I am speaking from experience. DON'T DO THIS! All you are doing is setting yourself up for disappointment! NC is meant for you to heal. No matter how hard you try, being in contact with your ex will get you nowhere fast. Seriously. When you are away from your ex you can work on yourself and surround yourself with other people who care about you. You can have your own life. The second you contact your ex you put yourself back at square one. You are not being fair to yourself in allowing yourself to be weak. You deserve to be happy and the only thing you need to be happy is YOU. I know that you want to think that your relationship with your ex is different. You want nothing more than to believe that you have something special and that it will all work out. Sorry but the statistics are against you on this one. 97% of the time your relationship is just like all of the other ones that aren't going to work. Don't let love blind you. I'm not saying that there is no hope but please be rational. Do not expect things to work out the way you want them to because chances are that they won't. Start moving on. Begin the healing process. If along the way your ex realizes that they risk losing you and come back then great. You then have the option of taking them back or not. If your ex does not come back, then you've begun the healing process and that's what matters the most. Beginning the healing process is what you need to focus on because if you do you will come out the winner in the end...no matter what.

 

If you're going through a break-up and need a pep talk (you know, someone to help you be strong), you can always send me a private message or IM me or something. It took me a long time to finally see things for what they really were and not for what I wanted them to be. It takes a lot of strength to accept that things are not the way you want them to be.

 

I hope that everyone gets something out of this post. I know that a lot of times you can hear the same thing over and over again and it not affect you at all. Please take what I have written to heart. I wish I would have when I read similar things.

[Dako]

Very well stated.

I cringe whenever I read someone else is doing the NC to win them back to keep them or reject them. It's just hurting yourself.

 

Best wishes on your new path.

[ElektraHere]

Boricua7

 

I hope that you really mean all of what you wrote. Is so GOOD FOR YOU!!! I remember your past posts and you always seemed to be worrying about your ex's webpage and setting up times to see him. It is so easy to talk about it and to offer the advice to others (I know I have done it plenty of times) it is that acting upon it which is hard. I have my good days and my bad days. The past two days have been on the low side but I know a good day is around the bend. I hope that you have many good days ahead of you.

Good Luck to you

[luvagain]

I just want to tell you how great it is to hear such words. I am going through hell trying to move on and heal. I had my heart broken by the one person I trusted, love and was willing to give my life for (literally). Since october of 2005 I have been battleling this heart break. The sun shines but there is a dark cloud over my head. My ex made a 180 on me over night. She led me on and gave me false hope. She went from being a sweethear to a cold-hearted person.

 

I would really like to tell you my story. Seven years we were together. Thanks for the inspirational words.

[keenan]

Thanks for this.

[metalheart]

I liked that post Boricua.. its a realistic testimonial

 

And gives me some encourage to get over my ex much faster

[gratefulpain]

I agree with you Boricua. I amd about 3 weeks into my ordeal. I practiced NC and it had really negative results, not for me but for them. She left msg, saying I'm childish for not answering the phone.. etc. etc. she came over and acted a * * * * * over my house because I wouldnt let her in... she actually keyed my car and let the air out of my back tire...

[sukerbut]

GOOD POST!! I thought my roller coaster ride ended..but i was dead wrong..two weeks ago i wore my blazer..and low and behold what do i find? her bracelet that she lost and found at her cousins wedding and asked me to keep it in my pocket till we got home..we broke up the next week! its funny how any type of contact will set you back so much..i was doing good real good, then i go and find that bracelet..so i decided yesterday just to send it to her...she is a stranger now...someone different..some one that no longer cares about me and how i am doing...we shared many night in my bed..we traveled through half of costa rica...i have not heard from her since i told her to stop calling...i mean i can not be friends with some one that is holding my heart hostage...that would make me a masicist...once again CRIS!! I HATE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART! hate you for not seeing the light, hate you for not accepting all teh love and support i have to give, i mean i love the person i was with .. that imaginary perfect person that was with me. She also made me hate myself for falling in love with ehr all over again..how she recklessly talked to me about marriage when she knows how much i love her , set my dreams and hopes on fire just to douce them out with no show of remorse...how selfish she was to leave me and the week after call me crying after her mother kicked her out of the house..how she used me for shelter , support, and love just to wake up the next morning and make believe nothing happened..assuring me this was a one time deal...i can continue for hours but i have to get back to work...HATE is a strong word and i cant think of any better word i have for her..becasue i know if she ever came back i would probably melt and take her back liek a loser..so yeah i hope she never ever contacts me again..i hope i never see her again..as much as my heart wants to!! I HATE HER...with a passion

[Orlander]

Thanks Boricua. I needed that. I had wanted to do NC for months now since my breakup with my ex last August, but she was always there calling or pulling me back in. She hadnt give up yet on the relationship, so of course, I was pulled along for the ride, kicking and screaming.

 

I got an email last night from her, apologizing for misleading me and keeping me around. For the first time she wants to move on and has actually initiated NC on me. After 6 months of hell, the healing finally begins.

[Benny1077]

Very useful post....NC was next to impossible for me at first, and whenever I broke it, it did make me feel like I was back at square one. Now with me actually maintaining NC I still hurt sometimes, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I am actually making myself happy at times and am surrounding myself with people who want me to be happy.

[keenan]

I would really like to tell you my story. Seven years we were together. Thanks for the inspirational words.

 

Feel free to post it, luvagain. We're experienced with heartbreak and will listen with a sympathetic ear. Good luck.

[Boricua7]

I would really like to tell you my story. Seven years we were together. Thanks for the inspirational words.

 

I would love to hear your story. I really think the more people hear and see the easier it is for them to accept that NC is the best thing to do. No one deserves to go through hell and people don't realize that continuing to be in contact with an ex is YOU putting YOURSELF through it.

[luvagain]

I hear that Benny1077.

 

My ex sent me a text message on the 8th and all it said was "Hi there." That has been the first time since Mid december. I saw it and I couldn't believe it. I didn't reply until a week later. But before I replied I shipped her her DVD's. Then I made the mistake of sending her a smiley face (no words) on Tuesday and she replied right away. She sent me three text messages. I haven't replied to them yet.

 

She is dating someone else. She started dating her new boyfriend a week after she called it off. But what hurts is that when she would tell me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me once in a while she would bring up her new boyfriends name. I didn't pay much attetnion to it because she was with me and that's all that mattered. I was wrong.

 

Anyways, I won't respond because everytime I reply I feel that the progress I'm making goes down the drain. Why would she send me a text message even after she didn't want to talk to me, when I needed closure?

 

I guess it's nice to know that she has thought about me but it takes a tol on my studies. I'm currently working on my Masters and the progrm I'm in is difficult enough already and I don't need to have her opennning up wounds that are just barely closing. I still care about her but I know that I shouldn't since she desn't care about me.

[Boricua7]

In my case my ex is just flat out afraid of committment. He expects me to just sit around and wait for him to be ready. NO! I told him that we don't have to date but that he risks losing me if we don't. He, apparently, is willing to take that risk. If when he's ready I am still available then great but I made sure he knew that he risked me having found someone else while he "figured things out". I have stopped calling him. I deleted all of the comments I have ever left him on his facebook. I even deleted the alert I had on AIM (I would hear a moo whenever he signed on). I don't respond to his text messages and I don't write back when he e-mails me. We broke up after Christmas but before New Years. For New Years I gave myself a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year and so far I'm doing great. It has really helped me to just forget about him and think about myself. As of now I have joined a sorority, stopped biting my nails, gone to all of my classes, and I'm even talking to a guy (I still have feelings for my ex and he knows it so its not like I'm looking for a rebound; I wanted to make sure he knew exactly what was going on so that I wasn't being unfair to him).

 

The number one thing NC does is get you to concentrate on you. When you respond to your ex all you're doing is allowing them to play head games with you. That's not fair. You think "maybe they miss me" and then you start getting your hopes up and...then what happens?...they disappoint you and you're back where you started days, weeks, even months ago. They can only mess with you if you let them so don't let them! Ignore the messages they send, ignore the e-mails, and ignore the calls. If you're tempted to e-mail them, turn your computer off. If you're tempted to call them, have someone take away your phone. It's not worth the emotional rollercoaster. Focus on you and get stability back into your life. This is what you need after having broken up with someone you love. Breaking NC prolongs the pain. No one wants or deserves that that.

[luvagain]

Keenan and Boricua7, you're awesome.

 

Well, we started dating in high school after our sophmore year. We met in english class and it was love at first time for both of us. We would flirt in class and pass notes to each other. I would brush my fingers through her hair and she would trun and give me these sexy looks. I told her I was interested and she told me she was too but I didn't make a move at the time. I gave her my number and she called in June 1998 and we went on our first date on 6/19/98.

 

What can I say, it was young love. We were into each other, 100%. We would skip classes to go back to to her house and make love (not have sex), there's a difference. We would lie about going to the movies and instead we would go to the "skyline" where we had a beautiful view of the South Bay near Palo Alto. We made love there for the first time under the stars. We were always going out. I was spontanious at the time because I had no worries in the world. I miss those times.

 

We graduated high school and Community college together. Then we went to college together and lived together for 3 years until we graduate in May of 2005. She is a Liberal Arts major and I'm a civil engineering major.

 

This is where it gets rough. Her major was not as rigorous as mine. She had extra time to do what she wanted. My major was demanding and tough. Even so we still managed to go out once in a while and have a good time. During the last year and a half of college I got really busy and we didn't go out much. I could see that she was bored and was not having fun like we did before. Even so, she would always tell me that living together was fun and she would never change anything. We spoke about marriage, kids , a home, a future together. We were on the same page. As the school year ended I got accepted to Graduate school where I'm working on my Masters in Structural Engineering at UCSD. She was supportive but she did ask me a few times to take a year off so that we could travel and spend time together doingthings. I thought about it long and hard but I knew that if I didn't go to grad school right away I would never go back. So I took it and she decided to go back home and start her credential program. I stay behind because I got an internship. I was so sad that we were 600 miles away. For the whole summer I was a mess because I missed having her around. I missed having her foot searching fo rmine in the middle of the night. I missed EVERYTHING. We saw each other for two weeks during the summer and we had a great time. Then I went back to SD to start school again. She would send me text messages and emails telling me how much she missed me and so did I.

 

My mind set was to go to grad school so that we could have a better future, financialwise. I thought about the two of us now as a couple. I was stable and I loved feeling that. I felt like I was married and it felt nice even though we weren't. I wanted to propose but we had made a deal that we would get married in our late 20's.

 

Here it comes. during the month of September and October I became very frustrated with school because it was harder than undergraduate work. I was not well plus I was missing her. We got into little arguments but we mansge to work them out. At times I didn't want to talk to her because I feared that I would take my anger out on her. But I told her why I didn't want to talk. I think she took it the worng way and that's where things got bad.

 

A week before she called it off I called her because she asked me too. It was a friday. I called about 10 times and she didn't respond. She called me back the next day. To cut this short, she was lying to me. She went to a party and she was hanging out with her now boyfriend. She tried to cover it up but she finally came clean and told me she didn't want to pick up the phone. She told nothing happened but something did happen because she is with him now. For a week after that it was as nothing had happened. Then she send me an email telling me that she needed to go out into the world on her own without me and so on. The she sent me another email which was harsher and heartbreaking. Then she called me and crushed my heart into pieces. The end. A week later she was doing the works with her new man. THE WORKS.

 

False hope, lies, betrayel etc. She is a totally different person. A ttal 180 turn.

 

Sorry it's so long but it's just hard to believe that things went down like that. I still can't believe it.

 

Thanks for listening. If it's too long and you don't want to read I will totally understand.

 

Oh yeah, she is 24 and I will be 25 in July. He excuse was that she needed to experience other things in life. That she was sufficating. That she was tired of being "John and Jane", Jane and John" (not our real names). Totally unexpected.

[Boricua7]

I'm so sorry luvagain (YOU are awesome). It always feels like a low blow when everything seems fine and then all of a sudden it's over. I'm sure many of us here on eNotAlone can relate to that. I know I can.

 

Your situation is very familiar. I was the one with the less demanding major (athough I am still in college). I am a Psychology and Sociology major and my ex is a Computer Science and Biology major. He wanted to break things off because he didn't have the time to put into the relationship with having such a demanding major and also being in a fraternity. When it comes down to it all of that was just as excuse for him being afraid of committment. He set goals for himself since he started high school for what he wanted to accomplish in college and is scared that he will lose sight of those goals if he falls in love. I don't think he ever thought he'd find someone like me so early in life. Oh well, what can you do?

 

Something I want to make sure gets accross to everyone is what I am about to write next. If your ex pushes you away, don't push back harder. If your ex is taking a step back from the relationship, take a step back too. If your ex wants nothing more than for you to let go, do not hold on tighter. All you are doing is making them crave that freedom/space more. The more you hold on, the more they are going to want you to let go and when you finally let go they will look back and they will not see something they want to go back to. Is that what you want? No! You want them (even if you don't get back together) to continue to be a part of your life because they are important to you (even if you're just friends). Don't make things harder on the both of you by clinging on to something that isn't there. Initiate NC. I promise that you will not regret it. I regret not having done it sooner because I would've stopped the pain sooner.

[Dako]

Boricua7,

 

You're so far ahead of me in understanding this stuff. Are you really 18 or am I just slow? At any rate, you're impressive.

[luvagain]

You are right. Till this day she invades my thoughts, dreams, even my nightmares. All I want is to feel those same feelings of love and companionship. I loved her unconditionally and I want to to experience that again. I know I have to be patient but it's hard.

 

I don't know if she will text me again in the future but if she does I know I have to ignore it and not reply. I feel that I have to prove to her that if I don't reply then she is loosing me but in reality it is me that has lost her. Pretty sad, huh? I have dreams that we are back together but slap myself back to reality.

 

Even though she said she knew she wanted to be with me but she needed time on her own, I believe it was BS. She told me she would come back to me and that she would find me again. At first it felt greatt o hear that but eventually I came to my senses and I knew she was giving me false hope. She also told me that there was hope for us but again I think she was playing with me.

 

NO CONTACT. It's a struggle everyday. I have to be strong for myself and I have to have more respect for myself. I begged and pleaded when she made the decision and now I look back and I feel ashamed for doing that. She brought me down to my knees. If a person loves you they would never do that. It sucks that she couldn't look me in the eye and tell me what was on her mind. She just doesn't have the communication skills.

 

I guess to experience true love you must experience true pain/suffering. Physical pain is something I can deal with but emotional pain is by far the worst. I loved/love her but she also caused me the greatest pain I've ever experienced.

 

Thanks Boricua7

[Boricua7]

Boricua7,

 

You're so far ahead of me in understanding this stuff. Are you really 18 or am I just slow? At any rate, you're impressive.

 

Yeah I'm really 18. I'm just a baby. It's sad that "just a baby" has to go through something those with more experience are struggling with. No one said life was going to be easy.

 

I guess to experience true love you must experience true pain/suffering. Physical pain is something I can deal with but emotional pain is by far the worst.

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said this one!

 

The weird thing about NC is, when do you know when it's ok to start talking to them again? My ex sent me a LONG e-mail about how he wanted to talk to me and get things straight and that if I never talked to him again after the talk that he would understand. I'm unsure what to do at this point. I'm thinking you shouldn't break NC until your feelings for them are completely gone (atleast this is what I would tell anyone else going through a similar situation). I mean, I know I could handle it but I don't want to risk that I'll be weak because of the fact that I still do have feelings for him. I guess it would only be fair to hear him out, even if I don't say anything the whole time. Then again, some of the things he has done to me weren't fair. Why should I make it fair for him when it hasn't been for me? Would it make me selfish if I didn't make it fair? I could always just hang up when he's done talking and think about what he said. That way he wouldn't have the gratification of knowing what is running through my head since he never gave me that luxury. Is this twisted though? I mean, as someone who hates playing games wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to turn around and start in the second half? I don't know what to do! Advice?

[luvagain]

No, Don't break NC. Stay strong sweetie. I listen to you and I wish I was as strong and wise as you are.

[Boricua7]

Thanks. I'm not responding to him. He's going to have to come to my dorm room for me to listen to him. I refuse to go to him. If he cares and wants to talk to me so badly, he can come to me.