Broke NC after 1 month...because I HAD to

[Stryker]

Hi all. This is my first post here. I've been lurking for a few weeks now and just like almost everyone else, I wish I had found this place a while ago as it would have helped me alot. I'll give you a little background of my situation.

 

I'm 27 and was with my ex who's 29 for just over 4 years (lived together for over 2 years). This was my first LTR and I did love her but I wasn't sure if she was 'the one' and she was very unhappy with things. So in October we decided we should take a break and she moved out. Little did I know that "We need to take a break" means "I want you to be my friend while I play the field" Honestly I thought we'd take a step back, examine things and work towards making things right and getting back together. Well, that wasn't the case. She eventually told me it was a full on break up but still wanted me to be her friend. Looking back on it, I was real dumb, I trusted her.

 

Well, it took her until the middle of November to find a place with a friend. We tried to remain friends and of course I did everything I wasn't supposed to. Well, the week before Christmas, both of my grandmothers passed away. I was at the funerals (large family on both sides) and I saw all my relatives coming together as a family to support each other. It sounds somewhat morbid but I realized at the 2nd of my grandmothers funeral that I did love her and that I wanted to have a family with her. She WAS the one.

 

Lo and behold I emailed her some gushy stuff a few times and she kept saying that she didn't want anything right now and couldn't guarantee anything in the future. I come to find out that she's back to going out 4-5 nights a week, doing drugs here and there (she was a party girl prior to us dating and I settled her down, got her a job and made her better person all around). Well one Saturday I got a phone call from her at 3:30 in the afternoon and she was balling. I couldn't understand much of what she was saying but I understood "drugs" and "...can't remember the last 8 hours" I raced over by her in record time and she looked terrible. She had partied for about 20 hours straight. I'll spare the details, but she was on the brink of OD'ing. I ended up staying the night there with her in my arms and took care of her. Well, while she was passed out for a while, I was watching TV and found some pictures on her coffee table. I thumbed through them and found a bunch of her making out with this guy I knew she had been talking to for a while. She was talking to him while we still lived together.

 

I'm rambling here so I'll try and keep it short. Basically I told her I couldn't just be her friend anymore because of the way she was living and being with another man. It hurt too much (she couldn't figure out how I got jealous). I did great with NC for over 3 weeks. I had my good moments and bad moments but was doing relatively well. Then this past weekend I received a citation from the cops for an overdue parking ticket she had gotten (the 3rd one I had gotten since she moved out). My name is on the title of that car so I had to contact her to get my name off the title so I don't get in trouble if she keeps screwing up. I emailed her Monday but she was out sick. She replied on Tuesday and was very terse which I can understand. I replied and apologized for making her deal with me on Valentines Day and explained what needed to be done. She replied and apologized for "coming accross as a b****" and was more cordial. She had to check the title to see what the wording was. She forgot to check and emailed me today to say she would check tonight.

 

So after a month of NC I've had 3 days of contact (albeit brief emails) and its killing me. I just want this to be over with so I can go back to NC and work towards healing myself. I'm dreading tomorrow because if I don't hear from her I'm going to have to call her to make sure she takes care of this title business.

 

Thanks for reading and sorry for rambling on. Believe me I could have typed another 8 paragraphs of details but those are the highlights. Comments, questions, advice? I'm not even sure what kind of replies I'm looking for I think I just wanted to vent.

 

Edited for spelling and grammar

[Echo]

Hey Stryker...wecome aboard!!!!

 

I would say you sound as if you're "handling" things appropriately. Keeping your head about you and your distance. I don't blame you for wanting to go back to NC. It is one of the HARDEST things you will ever do....NOT contacting the ONE person you want to talk to the most. It sucks....but it's called self preservation. I am sorry you had to find out about her the way you did. You certainly don't deserve that...but I commend you for the way you have handled the situation. With dignity and class. I say just keep doing as you have been doing....make sure you tie up any other "loose ends" so there doesn't need to be any further contact. At this point she should be begging you to take her back if she ever intends on getting you back at all.

 

Keep posting here...it really is a great place in times like these.

[ocrob]

It sounds like you are being very logical about the situation. It is unfortunate that you have to contact her, but once you get the title situation taken care of, then go back to NC and move on. It is so hard, but I wish you the best.

[Stryker]

Thanks for the replies. Its been real hard but I've leaned on my older sister who was engaged, found out her fiancee was cheating on her and called everything off. A little over a year later somehow they were back together and have been married for 8 years and are expecting their 2nd child. I couldn't be happier with her decision to take him back because he treats her like the queen she deserves. She has helped me tremendously

 

Enough about my sis though In her 'cordial' email back to me she wished me a happy Valentines Day and also said that she wished it could be better for the both of us. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time with this. That glimmer of hope I had buried in my heart suddenly brightened into a flashlight.

 

I know in my heart that she is a good person. She doesn't need to party, we were fine without the drugs for 4 years. I know how great she can be and that she may just need to get these things out of her system. I love her more than anything. I also know that if we were to get back together there would be some serious discussions about what we both want from each other and that it would have to be taken slowly. I just hope something bad doesn't happen to her.

[heloladies21]

Business is business and you know what you gotta do about your car so just look forward to getting it over and moving on.

 

Make ups after break ups are so rare, but especially once a girl starts getting involved with a new man. Best thing to do is to drop someone who has a criminal love record with you and start fresh.

 

You'll get there, start talking to some other girls. It'll help you.

[Stryker]

I know makeups after breakups are rare. That's why I'm trying to tell myself that she's not coming back and I should move on. I understand that I can't compete with that guy because he's telling all the things she wants to hear (I don't even know if they're still talking or not, but it doesn't matter). I also can't compete with the 'fun' she's having. My sister told me, "Sure, the grass is greener on the other side....but everyone forgets that evenutally that grass needs to get mowed too." This will catch up to her and hopefully she hasn't gone down the tubes before then.

 

Thanks again guys!

[77streaks]

its beautiful that you want to be there for her and stand by her as she changes her habits and way of life...but does she really want to change? you said that you "settled her down, got her a job" etc, but in the end she's gotta want to settle herself down, and change because she wants to.

 

the fact that she calls you when shes in trouble means that she knows she can count on you to be the rock of stability and strength. but...it sounds tough.

 

I hope your car stuff gets sorted out soon. I think if you ever get back together with her it should only be when she's decided to sort out her own life and decides she wants to be with you.

 

good luck!

[Stryker]

Exactly. After that whole incident, she apologized and said it wasn't fair for her to call on me. When I left her that day I told her that what happened to her should be a sign that she needs to clean herself up again. I haven't talked to her in a month and we have separate friends so I really can't say if she's still doing the same things.

 

In short, if this is the life she wants, then no, I don't want to be a part of that. Its just that I was such a huge influence on who she had become and in turn that made me a better person. Its tough to just turn off those feelings.

[danylion]

Hi!

Make ups after break ups do happen but the thing that changes it all is one person playing the field so soon, it causes trust problems. Your feelings about her having another, could you get through that? You seem to be doing all the mature thinking here.

RE her drugs experiences, It is expected to go out and let your hair down but it does seem she has some issues and it will be up to you to sort them like the car etc.

 

not being harsh, you seem strong right know and its not easy getting there...going back could equal more pain.

 

Just my opinion, hope ur ok.

Take care ok

[77streaks]

hi Stryker,

 

it sounds like you are the kind of person who likes being there for people. perhaps to distract yourself and to be of positive impact to others, you cld consider becoming a mentor or getting involved in charity work? just my two cents worth.

 

i m sure when your ex is sorted she will realise what a good intentions you had towards her.

 

in any case, you are not responsible for her life, she is. and you've tried before, so you've done your best, so its time for you to concentrate on your own healing.

 

Sometimes leaving a person is the best thing you can do, for her and for you. She has to realise that you find it unacceptable, because it affects her life negatively and affects you.

 

I hope you feel better soon, and definitely with time these feelings will lessen in degree,

[Stryker]

You're right danylion, going back now would bring alot of pain. I would have issues with a lot of things about her. That's why we do need space. Maybe in 6 months, a year or whatever, we could try and reconcile but I just need to keep telling myself that isn't going to happen.

 

And thanks 77streaks, I've never thought of being a mentor or anything like that. I suppose that would be a positive thing to focus my energy on! Maybe I'll look into that.