Still angry but dont know why, she broke up with me a few weeks after my dad died

[Tears May Fall]

Basically to try to make a long story short, me and a girl from college dated for 3 months or so, were never officially labeled as bf/gf but it was exclusive, or atleast it seemed so at the time from the way she described what she wanted. We would hang out, have a good time, but i couldnt see her so often because i had just informed, right when we started talking, that my dad was recently diagnosed with a really severe terminal cancer.

My schedule for the next 3 months was as follows, go to school, either go to work, or on days off study until 8 or so, go to the gym for an hour, go see my dad at the hospital and pick up my mom, go home, either go to sleep or hang out for like an hour or two with some of my friends from my block that ive known all my life. I tried to see her in the midst of it on evenings and some weekends, usually unfortunately no more than twice a week. I really wanted to see her too, but if i couldnt see her, id call her all the time to speak on the phone, everynight at the least, and would tell her atleast we can speak on the phone, but she wasnt much of a phone person. She said she understood, but kept feeling that i had all the time in the world for my friends but none for her.

My friends were different for me in this type of situation, i having known them for 22 years and them feeling for my dad like it was a dad for them too, and to top it off, i had a friend from that crew whose father just died the same way a month back, so i was able to relate to him.

I was going through a real hard time, my dad was slowly dying, and i was very emotional, not able to really think strait or concentrate and know right from wrong. My anger, emotions and mental block from that situation held me back from really ever giving my all, physically and emotionally, to this girl.

Then my dad died, this was the first week of december. She was really sorry, had attended the funeral, and was there for me, took me out for my birthday the following week, but i was being a turtle in a shell, wanting the whole world to leave me alone. I wanted to get finals over with and then just relax and try to get myself together again.

We had an argument one night at her place during finals week, after me having spent the whole day at her dorm studying and stuff, she absent mindedly blurted out after something i said about how today was the longest time we spent together in one day, she goes "ofcourse it would be, you never have any time for me." I just flipped out and said my dad just * * * *in died and youre gonna tell me that, you're unbelievable and i got my stuff and just slammed the door and left. We didnt speak for a few days and when we did i apologized for leaving the way i did but i told her i was upset and she said she was sorry too for saying that. Then I told her that just give me until finals are over and i promise we'll hang out more and for us to get to know each other better.

Not even a week later, she breaks up with me. Basically stating the usual crap "oh you're a great guy but i just dont see this going anywhere and i dont think we're not right for each other, we're too different." She also stated how she felt i had all the time in the world for my friends but never any for her. I could see that being true from her end, and i know this wasnt a fair relationship for her, but all i asked was for her to be patient with me, because i was going through a rough time and as soon as i can get my mind a little freed off all this, i can be the man you want me to be, but i guess it wasn't enough. She still wanted to be friends afterwards though.

I feel as though she was indefinitely seeing someone else at the time, and i know she's in a relationship with him at the moment even, i know that for a fact, and i even think its someone else that we work with. To top things off, she had gotten me a job at a hospital where she works, in mid december, and so i occasionally have to see her at work too. We still speak every now and then, but i think i cut that off starting yesterday.

My question to everyone is, if i never really had any serious attachment or feelings for this girl, why am i still so upset and hurt by it. Not so much hurt, but just really angry and upset, and i cant seem to get my mind off it. Any suggestions?? I really wish i can go out there and start dating again, but im just not in the state of mind to do so, and need to be home with my mom and im very busy with my two jobs and clinical rotations from school.

[ut_longhorn]

hey man...im really sorry to hear about your father.

 

i think any type of rejection is painful, but with the passing of your father in concurrance with her leaving..is probably magnifies it. i can't believe she had the coldness to break up with you right after your father passed like that. but it may be better that she did instead of you depending on her emotionally after your fathers passing..then her leaving. that might have made it worse.

 

i think you just need time to heal urself from your father and from her. i think what ur going through is expected and normal.

[Scout]

I too am so sorry to hear about your Dad.

 

You know what I think about your situation? Forget about this girl. Her timing was really crappy and you're better off in the long run not to be stuck in a relationship with someone capable of being so selfish and insensitive at a truly difficult time for you.

 

Write it off. Concentrate on your family and helping each other heal. Don't give this girl another thought, and if you see her in the future, be polite, pleasant - but brief.

 

And keep us posted on how you and your familly are doing during this sad time. Again, my sincere condolences.

[Scout]

may be better that she did instead of you depending on her emotionally after your fathers passing..then her leaving. that might have made it worse.

 

Yeah, whether it was intentional or not, she did you a favor.

[hosswhispra]

My question to everyone is, if i never really had any serious attachment or feelings for this girl, why am i still so upset and hurt by it. Not so much hurt, but just really angry and upset, and i cant seem to get my mind off it. Any suggestions?? I really wish i can go out there and start dating again, but im just not in the state of mind to do so, and need to be home with my mom and im very busy with my two jobs and clinical rotations from school.

 

Hello Tears May Fall,

 

It hurt you so bad when she distanced herself from you because it was another 'loss' right after your father died. You just experienced a major life changing event and you are grieving.

 

15 months ago today, my father died of cancer too. I reacted just as you did when your father died. I became a 'turtle' and I wanted to stay in my shell---away from everyone but my family. I give you so much credit as you were able to do all your finals right after he died. That is no easy task to do with a grieving heart---I could have not done it. So that right there makes me believe that you are such a strong person. Your feelings are normal to feel the need to be at home with your Mom right now, too....reminds me so much of my own feelings about my own mom--and how much she misses my father.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[Setter5]

I had a girlfriend break up with me after my father had a stroke a couple days before...I felt just like you. We even got back together, mostly sexually. It ended again though...no shock.

 

Couples months after some NC, I realized how selfish she was. My new perspective on how life is so short and can change so suddenly made me realize how ridiculous and selfish most people are these days.

 

It's a world of divorce, MTV, materialistic addiction, and no communication (at least intelligent and thoughtful comm.).

 

So I have decided to look for the qualities that my mother and sister and very, very, very close friends have...loyalty and respect. Consideration and Manners.

 

Now she could have wanted out before he passed, but regardless, how selfish was the timing? You already know the answer.

 

Your family and yourself are most important. I'm so sorry to hear the news.

 

All the best...keep your chin up,

 

Setter

[Tears May Fall]

hey everyone,

 

thanks for the advice, and i agree with you that it was a selfish move on her part, and im over the thought of being with her, it just still upsets me how someone can have the heart, or lack of, to do such. I wouldnt care how bad the relationship is going, if my g/f, serious or not, had just lost a parent, i couldnt see myself doing anything but being there, and if she wanted to end the relationship and needed time, i would let her do that too, but i wouldnt ever leave her myself.

Howswhiper, how i got through finals right after he passed, i dunno either, but my family helped support me alot, and basically said, you can take them if you feel strong enough, just remember he's looking down on you and all he wants is to see you doing good, being happy, and successful, and thats all the inspiration i needed to pull myself through it, but definitely was nearly impossibly to remain focused and pull through, i was in disbelief myself, especially it being my 5th year of pharmacy school.

 

I think one other thing thats getting to me right now, is also that my mom is still back home in my country, and i came back earlier than she did, because i have clinicals to start now, and so im home all alone, i have no siblings either, and the loneliness is hitting me twice as hard.

[hosswhispra]

Hey Tears May Fall~

 

I know how hard pharmacy school is--I have been through it myself (interesting we share that too). I graduated in 2003 and my father did not become ill until that summer. Hang in there. The clinical rotations will fly by---you are almost there. You will have security with pharmacy--that's for sure.

 

Your father is looking down on you and I am sure he is really proud of his son.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[Tears May Fall]

Thanks for the regards hosswhispra. Just outta curiosity, where did u graduate from?

[hosswhispra]

Rutgers You're in NYC so it's got to be St. John's, or LIU for you?

[Tears May Fall]

St John's it is

[metalheart]

Tears May Fall.. im sorry by your father's death. I hope you feel a little better since then.

 

I FEEL YOU 100% how do you feel..

 

My ex gf broke with me in a few months after my grandma's death (she was like my real mom... cause my mom used to be all the day working so she was the one who raised me).

 

I remember that my ex told me: "Trust me.. i love you and i want that you open your heart to me, let me share your suffering, your fears.. that why we're a couple" "If we supossed to me married, we had to share the bad and good times" "I wont let you down.. i'll be here for you ALWAYS, as you have done with me" .. (my grandma died in March, 15- 2004)

 

So i opened my self to her and.. 6 months after..

 

August 15, AT THE SAME DAY OF THE 6 MONTH'S OF MY GRANDMA'S DEATH CONMEMORATION.. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME... at the first time saying all those famous and beaten phrases: "You're a Great guy" "Its not your fault its mine" "I dont see any future for us" "I need some time and space for myself" (YEAH.. SHE USED ALL THESE!) I cried, begged, even gave her some days with no contact to give her time to think about, and after 4 days, i tried to get her back.. she also told me: "I'm not seeing anybody... I'm just centered in my career and my work" but after those 4 days when i go to talk with her personally at an institute where she was doing a course of computers.. I find her "work mate" waiting for her outside!..

 

Until today's Sun, she has been with him.. and i just left feel deceive.. sadness.. anger... so, from my part, my advice would be... FORGET HER.. FOCUS IN RELEASE ALL YOUR SUFERRING AND GIVE SUPPORT TO YOUR FAMILY.. Dont waste your time waiting for someone like her..

 

And Good Luck