When is it really over??

[ConFusion28]

It all started about a month when a guy I worked with confessed at a party that he had a crush on me for months. He really laid it on thick that night telling me that I was beautiful and smart, and that the feelings he had for me were real. It was the greatest thing I could hear because I was just getting over confessing my true love for my best guy friend (and being rejected), and the truth was I had a crush on him too, but I never thought anything would become of it.

 

That night after he drove me home I thought that maybe he was just saying those things because he wanted to have sex (we didn't), but the next couple of days he convinced me that his feelings and motives were true. However, he also went on to say that he was worried that us working together might cause problem in our relationship. He said that he didn't want to stuff things up and have me hating him in the end, a precursor?? So, I asked him if that meant that he didn't want to take that chance or if he wanted to make a go of it? He said let's make a go of it.

 

Things were nice, really nice for about a week. Then he started acting different and avoiding me in and out of work. I told him that we needed to talk and I bluntly asked him if I was wasting my time, he laughed and said yeah you are. Later that night, he called and said he felt like a jerk and that he didn't mean to hurt me, he was just confused. He said that he wanted to be with me but that his friends were a big factor (that's a different story). He said he now didn't want the relationship, just the benefits of one.

 

Now here's the problem, I agreed. I hadn't been in a relationship for a long time and I felt like hey it's taken this long since for a guy to truly like me, so why not just be in it for sex? And that's what it was, just sex. It went from one extreme to another with our pact that we'd hook-up at least once a week. And we did, even though he started to flake again. He wouldn't answer my phones calls or texts messages, he was starting to revert to the guy who panicked a month ago. Then about a week ago things just came to a complete stop and come to find out from one of his friends, he was starting to like this other girl. So, of course I jumped to the conclusion that it had become serious with the new girl and I was okay with that until later that week when he texted me about what he wants for his birthday, sexually. So, tonight not even a week later I ask when he wants his 'present' and he says he doesn't want it anymore, he doesn't want to deal with 'us' anymore, and that it is over. Which really bums me out, because when is it really over when he has been fickle the entire time?

 

In the beginning I had all these feelings invested, then he says he doesn't want the relationship. Then I succumb sexually and he doesn't want that either, but he was way more than happy to suggest both of them. It's really hard for me to grasp why he is having such extreme changes in his feelings for me, and I know I shouldn't let him treat me this way, right? It's just that I really did like him, and I agreed to the friends with benefits things because I thought that maybe he'd realize he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me, but I know the real reason I'm hanging on is because I don't know when the next guy will come along and that scares me.

 

I just need some suggestions as to why he would treat me like this because I am truly crushed and baffled, and I definitely need some reaffirming voices that say I should move on and stop secretly holding out hope that he will change his mind, again... and I will obsess about this for months, LOL!! Thanks!!! R.C.N.

[melrich]

I agreed to the friends with benefits things because I thought that maybe he'd realize he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me

 

I guess reading this I'd have to say that you took a chance that didn't pay off. I don't think he has behaved that well but I suppose he was pretty honest with you most of the time. I do think you need to move on, even if he seeks to be with you again it seems it will only be on his terms and you should not have to settle for that.

[tomservo]

Wow. I was in a pretty similar situation with a girl I used to work with. Except for the sex part. She confessed her feelings for me after two years of mutual flirting. I'm very shy and so I had trouble verbally expressing my feelings. She kind of cooled off, I confronted her, she broke it off. I'm still really bitter about it cause I couldn't let go and move on. It's kind of ruined our friendship and we don't really talk anymore. I don't know if we ever will again.

 

So, move on. DO NOT obsess over this guy. It will drive you crazy. BUT, I would also say don't completely close the door if you really like him and would like a chance in the future. But yeah, don't sit around waiting for him to change his mind. He might, and he might not. And even if he does, you may not want him back. I'm at the point now where if this girl called me up and said "I'm sorry. I messed up. Let's try again" I honestly dont' know what I would say. A few months ago I would have automatically said "YES!" but now I'd either say "no" or "Let me think about it".

 

Move on. For your sake.

[goddess23]

heyy. o wow i can relate in alot of ways to this. men/boys are sooo annoying. but you know what. ive realized something. when a guy likes you they show it. they msg you, text you,call you, compliment you without a bit of fishing and will do the sweetest things for no reason. they appear to be the SWEETEST GUY EVER. when they relaly like a girl they do this. and as soon as you give in sexually or are in a relationship they get bored and move on or they become more invested and continue to grow. look...this guy maybe did really like you, and because you liked him you gave in too easily. liseen just be strong...because as a girl i know how degrading it feels when a guy rejects the oppertunity to fool around with you. like thats the one power we are suppose to have no matter what. and you dont want to put yourself in that position. move on and dont worry about being single because there is nothing wrong with just being alone sometimes. when you sotp thinking about it someone will just blow the winds of your peaceful scenery-in a good way.

[ConFusion28]

Thanks guys, each one of you makes sense completely, but I just feel totally rejected and hurt, alot and the fact that he's done the on more than one occasion is just killer!!

[Hunny1607307342]

He sounds like a jerk if I may say so! Okay I'll give him a brownie point for at least telling you what the relationship was while you were in it, but he sounds extremely confusing. You shouldn't settle for what he was willing to give you. Quite frankly, no matter how much you like him, if he were to come back to you saying "I'm sorry please take me back", you should NOT say yes; it will just make you look like his puppy being strung along, listening to whatever he says (such as agreeing to what seemed like an 'open relationship' before). Because at the end of the day, if he really truly liked you, he wouldn't have risked losing you so easily, so many times. And don't you want a guy who really truly likes you? I know he said he told you all these sweet things, but thats guys for you!! Actions speak louder than words. So if you were to take him back, it seems this would never really work out anyway, and you'd get your heart broken all over again. I think you should make sure this is the final time he hurts you, and don't let him do it again, by just not going back there. Think of this as a fling and MOVE ON! You deserve more than a guy who's not crazy about you. You deserve a guy who IS crazy about you, and who will text you and call you, and call you his girlfriend! You shouldn't settle for any less. Fear of intimacy is just a myth, if a guy really likes you he'll do anything to have you. One day the ONE will come and you'll be truly happy To your question about when it's truly over, it's when he said the words 'it's over'. He isn't likely to fix something he broke - which is okay, because you shouldn't let him either.

 

So next time you feel the pain of rejection, just picture him in your mind, coming back to you telling you he wants to get back with you, and you saying no. If you know deep down that that's what you would say to him, it makes 'feeling rejected' a little pointless really

[AwdreeHpburn]

Move on and stop secretly holding out hope.

 

Sorry he's done this to you. Sounds to me like it was his plan from the beginning. It really does. He's not a "relationship" guy. He's a bedpost guy. I wouldn't be surprised to literally see notches he's carved into his bedpost, or a scorecard of some kind somewhere else. I say, steer clear.

[sbrew21]

You need to know your self worth and start respecting yourself. Even if he does a month from now decide that he wants to have sex again you need to let it go. In fact I would delete his phone number, email, etc. and don't even respond if he does contact you. You don't need to be disrespected and he knows he can have you whenever he wants. Put your foot down and move on. Don't be scared about the next guy. Let the next guy prove himself to you.

[Blue Skittles]

Wow, I'm going through the exact same situation as you. I just got told yesterday by the guy i was with that he didn't want a relationship but still wanted to 'hang out'. Your story just totally confirmed my action that I do not want to even continue 'hanging out' with him anymore. I thought about this a lot and I realized its important that i find a guy thats gonna treat me right and not just use me for sex or hang out with me just to get some action but then not have a relationship. I'm worth SOOOOOO much more than that, and you are too. So i think its definitely time you move on... i know its hard to feel rejected and stuff, I'm there too, and its really hard to always be thinking "what is wrong with me?" but its important that you look highly upon yourself, especially during this time, and have confidence in yourself. You'll meet someone great. Me, I'm gonna be a crazy cat lady. lol

[ConFusion28]

New problem with this ex/co-worker... he is starting to slack off and I'm beginning to feel the brunt of it because he is sending HIS assignments my way. It's really hard to say no or avoid him because we work very closely together. The entire day he was taking personal calls, texting, and downloading music, and today he even asked his new crush to stop by to just 'hang-out' and she did, even though it was only for 10 minutes it was against work policy. I felt that I had to tell my boss, who kind of knows the situation between us. She talked to him about it discretly (not knowing it was me tattling) and he still continued like that for the rest of the day.

 

The thing is before any of this drama happened he was a really good co-worker and always ontop of things, now it's just like he doesn't care. Today I was complaining to a friend about him and she said that I should just lay off him and not tell my boss. Is it me or does that seem a little crazy? I wasn't the one who created this situation, and by no means is this revenge on my part, it's just me trying to get on with my job and my life. Any suggestions on how I should approach the subject or should I really just leave it alone??? Thanks!

[ConFusion28]

So, today at work someone handed my ex/co-worker something. Then causually, my boss asked who it was for and he replied, in a very soft whisper (trying not to let me hear, but I did) his girlfriend. His girlfriend, are you kidding me? Not even a week ago we were making plans to get together and now he is in a serious relationship with another woman. Does this make any sense to anyone? I talked with my boss about it and she said that she thinks he was lying and that they aren't that serious, but nevertheless he said girlfriend.

 

I felt betrayed, not because we aren't anything anymore, but because again he led me on and made me believe that I was maybe something more than what I really was.

 

On the other had, the good news is that it was kind of a relief though to know that I really have to get over him now that he is in a committed relationship, but this just all goes back to the fact that he changes his deep feelings more times than people change their underwear. Am I overreacting to the fact that he has a serious girlfriend in less than a week, is this normal behavior to change your mind that quickly about someone you have 'feelings' for? Or am I in the right to feel the way that I do?? Please help!! Thanks!!

[dishrag]

I don't know if this helps, but years ago I had my heart broken over and over again that I turned into a guy that used to do these things just to be with different girls all the time. I got some short-term enjoyment then became someone they didn't want to be bothered with anymore so I didn't have to deal with them. I know, this is totally mean and disrepectful and I've put those ways behind me a long time ago. But, what he's doing sounds like he's just being a player and getting short-term enjoyment by playing games. He becomes the "dateable a-hole."

 

With regard to your work situation, it's time that your boss defines exactly what they expect on the job and then meet with you both, separately, to ensure that the job is getting done to satisfaction. The boss needs to convey that anything other than professional and fair interaction will not be tolerated and can result in termination on the spot. Otherwise, the games in the office may/will continue. A hostile work environment is unacceptable.