Entering a LDR...what to do? Letter to him

[rachaelg]

Hi all, Thanks for reading this. I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. We both love each other, but our relationship has been kinda rocky, including a one month break up last summer. Since then thigns have been great, and we went on vacation to Mexico together this xmas. We are both graduating from Universirsity in April, with the grad ceremonies in June.

 

He has always wanted to travel with his buddies, and decided that in between those two times, he would go to thialand with them. Him and 3 single guys for 1.5 months in thialand. I knew he wanted to travel, but didn;t think it would actually happen. He just booked his trip yesterday though, and I am super upset. I love him and dont want to lose him. He has mentioned that he wants to stay together, and grad with me when he gets back...but I am just unsure of everything. I wrote this letter to him. I am hoping to get some feedback before I send it. ANy advice? Thanks for reading.

 

Dear _____

 

I have put off writing this letter to you for a while, mainly because I wanted to make sure of my thoughts and feelings before I confront you with them. I don't really know what sort of form this letter will take, but I just wanted to let you know a few things, and hopefully address some of my concerns, cause we both communicate better about important things via. Email, and this will give you a chance to think about what you want to say before you write it.

 

We have said many times before that the night that we met was magical. There was an immediate connection between us, something indescribable. The last year and a half we have had our ups and downs, our good times and our bad. But we have survived through it all, and hopefully have come out stronger. You mean so much to me. And I guess, I just can't let you leave without me telling you how much I love and care for you. (ok, I got weepy just writing that. Haha) You mean so much to me Greg, and losing you for a month last summer when we broke up made me realize that. You make me happy, and hopefully I return the favor. We have fun doing stupid things like cross words and competing in jeopardy, debating in the hot tub, or just relaxing together. Nothing can top our trip to Mexico though. 

 

When I first heard you talk about going to Thailand I got a little sad. I knew how much I would miss you, and how sad I would be watching you leave. It was selfish of me to feel this way, and think only about my feelings. I guess I felt like you were just leaving me, but now I realize it isn't like that at all. Part of loving someone is also supporting their dreams….as their need to grow as a person. I understand that this is your dream to travel and experience life, and I do not hold that against you at all. I completely understand that. 100% . I have dreams as well, but I guess I just have been scared to live them out, because I did not want to risk what I had going on here in Vancouver. I would love to go work on the ships again, backpack through Europe, teach English in Korea or Japan, volunteer at an orphanage in some foreign country. These are my dreams. And, as weird as this sounds, having you leave to pursue your dreams will enable me to go do mine. I have accepted a contract to go on the cruise ships while you are away, and am really really excited about it. I can't wait to be out in the sun again, meeting new people, and traveling around the world. I have wanted to go back for so long, and because of this, I guess it has helped me understand why you want to go to Thailand. And why you need to go.

 

The only thing that I am scared about, is losing what we have. As much as I understand you wanting to travel, I know how hard it will be to carry a long distance relationship for a month and a half while both of us are off "experiencing life." I trust you 100%, but I know that you are going with 3 single guys, and I just don't want to be a hindrance on your experience in Thailand. I don't want you to loath the fact that you have a girlfriend…if you know what I mean. I know that you are the person that I want to be with in June. I want to graduate with you a few days after you return. I can't wait to see you get your degree after all the hard work you have done, and I want you to be there to see me get mine more than anything. I want to experience a summer mini-trip with you (fingers crossed), and hopefully be invited to Mexican night at your cabin this summer (once again…crossing fingers.)

 

I guess that I just wanted to let you know that I am willing to try to make this work. That if our love is true (god that sounds corny) that we can make it through this. It will take commitment, compassion, and understanding, but I know that it would work. I truly hope that both of our separate experiences will not only let us experience a small part of the world, but will also shed light on what we have, and how special that is. Maybe it will even make us appreciate each other more.

 

I guess that is all that I wanted to say. I have addressed my fears and concerns, and have told you how I hope things will end up. I am so proud of you for doing this, and as much as I know I will miss you, I completely understand and am happy for you. And if we do end up being apart for that long, I trust that our hearts will be able to reach further than our arms ever could. If you can write me back and let me know what you think, if you feel different or the same, what you are thinking etc…that would be great. I love you.

[annie24]

Hi - welcome to eNotalone.

 

I have a different perspective. I'm a big traveler and it's very important to me. He's not going for a year, just 6 weeks. It doesn't sound like a breakup to me, and 6 weeks will be over before you know it.

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't send the letter. I hate to say it, but it's kind of overdramatic. I know that your relationship has been rocky, but if he's assuring you that he doesn't want to break up, I think you should trust him.

 

He just wants to go travel with his buddies. I think you will win "points" with him if you are supportive, drive him to the airport, and ask him to send you a postcard, maybe a few e-mails, and be cheerful about the whole thing.

 

good luck

[RayKay]

I agree with annie on this one.

 

I don't know, it's a "sweet" gesture, but awfully heavy and dramatic. I think you would be better of taking him the the airport, getting him a nice little card saying you will miss him & love him to cheer him on and do your best to smille and be supportive. I am not sure what it is, but your letter comes accross as insecure in a way, and trying to "transpose"" your feelings onto him. I also think the comments about "not wanting him to loathe having a gf" are just...bad.....be confident in yourself honey, and realize if someone "loathes" being with you, they don't deserve you anyway...but those whom do won't forget it! It just comes accross as kind of needy and desperate (sorry, I know you meant well by it and it's heartfelt, but I am seeing it from a more objective view).

 

What do you expect and want in return?

 

 

And I know it's hard, I have had LDR's for job or school, or travel reasons too that have lasted a good while...but it's doable if the bond is strong enough. And it sounds like he loves you, and you him. Just believe in your bond and that you will be fine, without putting so much pressure on either of you...go work on the cruises, let him travel for a few weeks, and come back together and see where things are....if 6 weeks breaks you up, it is better to know now then later when tougher things throw themselves at you.

 

I know it SEEMS like a long time, but 6 weeks is really going to go by like that...

[Pixiemeat]

I agree. 6 months when you've been together for a year and a half is not much. I was offered the chance of going abroad for eight weeks when I had been with my boyfriend for 2 months and turned it down, because I just didn't know him or our relationship well enough to trust that it wouldn't collapse when I left. I have never regretted this decision.

 

I know 6 weeks sounds like a long time but it really isn't. As much as it hurts me to say it (I'm currently in a long distance relationship and hate every second of it), if you survive this, your relationship will be so much stronger. You will know that, despite all the pain and feelings of loneliness, you have been through this and would be able to go through it again if needs be. I would send a letter, but not this one, just expressing how much you will miss him - I presume he's planning on contacting you whilst he's away?

[rachaelg]

Hi there

 

THank you for all of your replies. I agree with what you said, about my letter coming accross as insecure. I guess that is perhaps, because I am. I have always had problems with believing that he really wants to be with me, and understanding why he would pick me over other girls. I always have this thought in the back of my mind about him waking up and leaving me. I think this is perhaps because of my father deserting my family when I was younger, and never being in my life since, as well as being cheated on in a previous relationship.

 

Is there any way that I could fix the letter so that it sounds better? I really want to give something to him, because we haven;t really "talked" about this, only once when I said a stupid comment like "well we will be broken up when you go away" he said something like "well if you keep talking like that then maybe...but I was hoping on staying together" SO we really haven;t discussed what is going to happen. The thing is, we have our university graduation ceremonies together when he gets back, and it is sonmething that we have been working so hard on together for so long.

 

I think that I wrote that "i dont want to be a hinderance to you while you are gone" part, because I want him to tell me straight out that I wont, and that he wouldn't ever think like that. I dunno. I guess that is just a weird thing I need...reassurance I guess. I am so scared to lose him. Is there a way I can send him a letter and get him to address my concerns? Like can I edit or take something out to make the letter better?

 

Thanks a lot once again. I appreciate this so much.

[RayKay]

Well, if he was hoping you would stay together, I really would stick with that!

 

I suggest if it's important to you, you write a brief letter or card telling him you care about him, are so excited he is taking this opportunity and you are excited to graduate with him on his return. Maybe give him a little journal to write in about what he sees on his trip and to put in some mementos, and some self-addressed envelopes so he can easily drop a letter in them, stamp it and send it off...and just be as upbeat as you can about it. Let the last image he has of you before he leaves be of the wonderful, warm, loving, smiling girlfriend that is going to be there when he comes home and whom KNOWS they are worth returning for without having to seek reassurance.

[annie24]

Well, I think you should take this as a test of your relationship. I wouldn't send him any letter at all. I think it would be better if you gave him a "going away box" filled with sunscreen, lip balm, and phone cards, and candy for the flight. I think that it shows that you care in a positive way, as opposed to a letter, that makes it seem like you care in an insecure way, if you see what I'm saying.

 

Don't think of yourself as a "hindrance." Your his gf! If he wants to sleep with skanky prostitutes, yuck. Don't hold on to him. 6 weeks isn't long at all, I'm sure that things will be fine. And if 6 weeks breaks you up, better to know now that your relationship isn't strong enough than down the road.

[NJRon]

Hide little notes in his luggage... "Thinking of you" ... "XOXO" ... I love that when I go out of town and I find a note tucked into my pocket.

 

Don't act like the relationship is ending and you are trying to keep it together. Act like the relationship is strong. Sounds like what he thinks.

[ShySoul]

rachael,

 

The best thing to do is write from the heart. You can tailor and craft the letter to weed out all signs of insecurities, to appear strong and not concerned. But in the end, you have to write what it is you are feeling. And if you have insecurities, its good to get them out. Then he knows just how you are feeling and you have gotten everything out. Otherwise, those insecurities will stay in you and you might regret not letting him know about them.

 

I agree that 6 weeks is not that long and that your relationship can survive it. I think this leader is more therapy for you, so that you can voice out the fears you have been keeping inside. In which case, I wouldn't change it. It is beautiful the way it is, and shows both how concerned you are, but that you love him and trust him, only wanting him to be happy. If I received a letter like that, I would be moved and may just end up in tears. I don't know the guy, but I bet he would understand and appreciate the gesture.

[finneganswake]

I have to agree with many of the other posters here...its only 6 weeks!

 

If you want to prove how much you really adore him, you'd tell him to go off and have a grand time and to remember to bring back lots of photos! It really isn't that long. If you give him that letter (which, I have to be honest, is so over the top dramatic and grovelling sounding), that may make him think "whoa, she's freaking out over this?! its just a trip with my pals."

 

If he is the right guy for you, he will come back to you and he'll do his best to stay in contact while he is gone.

 

Bottom line: stay upbeat, happy and supportive. That doesn't mean you have to sugarcoat your feelings, just don't be a downer, you know?. Also, maybe try working out some system whereby you email each other once a week or something. Just so you have something to look forward to.

[rachaelg]

Hey Everyone,

 

I thank you for all of your advice. I really am not too sure what I am going to do now. I was so sure that I wanted to send a letter to tell him what I was thinking, but everyone on here is saying that it is a bad idea, and that I come accross as needy. Perhaps I feel like I need to talk to him about this because he hasn;t really brought it up to me. He hasn't asked what will happen when we are apart, hasn't started a conversation saying that he will miss me, heck, he doesn;t even know where my new cruise ship job will be going. He just hasn;t talked about anything. The only things that we have spoken of are questions I have asked,

-are you thinking of breaking up before you leave -he said no

-You want to stay togehter and graduate when we get back -he said yes

 

But I mean, Maybe I am just more of a talker, but I think that there is a lot more to hear than just those simple anwsers. I want him to say he will miss me and that he will be faithful. I dont know why, but I need to here him say it. It isn;t 6 weeks, It is actually going to be 7. I know that doesn;t make that much difference.

 

I am just confused. i know he knows how I feel, I guess my point in writing the letter is so that I will be able to ask him how he feels, and give hima chance to talk about it for me. Becuase I dont want to talk about it in person and start crying because I know how much I will miss him when he leaves. I think that would just look like I am not being supportive of him leaving. And I am.

[annie24]

Well, like we said before, if he's saying he doesn't want to break up, then take him at his word!!! Really, 6 weeks will fly by.

 

Why are you paranoid about this? What is at the root of this insecurity?

 

If you want, send him an upbeat letter like, "Hey - I hope you have a lot of fun on your trip with your buddies. I'm really looking forward to when we both come back, and we can share our vacation photos and stories. I will e-mail you once a week to let you know how my adventure is going, I hope you do the same!"

 

You know, something upbeat.

 

Do you suspect him on not being faithful in general? Because I think if a man's going to cheat, he'll cheat regardless on if he is on vacation or not.

[ShySoul]

rachaelg,

 

I think there is an underlying insecurity issue that needs to be addressed. But if you are the kind of person that needs to talk about things and express how you feel, then do so. You have these feelings inside of you and the chances are they won't go away. Trying to act like they aren't there and you don't have your worries will just make you feel worse. This isn't about how you feel appear to him, being desparate and clingy, worrying about nothing. This is about getting out your feelings for your own emotional health. This guy cares about you and loves you. He should know that you are like this and understand why you need to talk about things. Sure, a part of him may get frustrated at times, but he is willing to work with you through your concerns because he loves you and sees it is what you need. If he wouldn't, if he isn't the kind of guy that you can turn to with anything and have to put on a happy face even when its not how you feel... maybe he isn't the right guy for you? Though I think he is and he will help you with your concerns.