5th week of NC: Unexpected change in my feelings

[photomo]

Today marks 5 weeks of NC from the ex that left me in October, after being together for over 6 years....

 

Since October, I have been such an emotional wreck....crying all the time, thinking the worst, feeling lonely, and not knowing whether I'd be able to live without her....I really wanted her back!

 

But for some unknown reason, my feelings towards her changed dramatically during the 4th week of NC. I've started to realise how selfish she was in the year leading up to the breakup; I've started to realise that it was her who "changed", and not me as she always suggested. I've started to realise that the breakup is entirely her loss, and she does not deserve my heart of gold. In fact, I've started to laugh and feel happy that I'm such a better person than she is!

 

For the first time since October, I can genuinely say that I feel like I am returning to myself, but a better and stronger person. I am going to make a comeback, knowing that I'll be a far more confident person in life.

 

I am now starting to look for the opportunities in the breakup, and I'm developing new dreams for the future. I went into a travel agency the other day, and took out a few brochures on South America. It is now my dream to take a year out to go travelling around South America. I am determined to live a better life than what I would have done if I stayed in the relationship; I am also determined to make sure I have a far better life than what she has! (Although I must stress that I'm doing it for MYSELF, and not to show her what she's missing out on!)

 

Of course, I still miss her, and I know I still love her....but I'm not emotional about it all anymore. I still have my bad days, and still think about her everyday. But now I'm starting to ask myself whether I really want to get back with her or not....for the past few days I've been so consumed with my dreams of travelling that I really don't care if I don't get back with her.....if I did get back with her, it'd probably mean she'd destroy my dreams again and prevent me from going travelling. I'm not going to let that happen! If she really wants to get back with me, she's going to have to prove her love for me by coming travelling with me....or waiting for me until I come back. I'm living MY life now, MY dreams...it's time for me to think about ME!! Maybe sometime in the future there will be another chance for us to get back together, maybe there won't....but now is the time to throw away that little bit of hope I've been holding onto, as it was that that was causing me so much pain.

 

I'm not ready to start seeing other girls at the moment, and to be honest, I really don't care. After being in a 6 year relationship, the last thing I want to do right now is get into another relationship. Maybe a few months down the line I'll start dating, but I'm not looking for love until after I've lived my dream. I'm also not going to exclude my ex from my life altogether.....if we cannot be together, then I'd like to think that one day we can be friends, afterall, being a friend is better than not having her at all. However, the only way this will happen is by maintaining NC until I've found my happiness without her, and I'm ready to potentially see her with someone else.

 

So, what's the moral of this post? Well, I guess it proves that NC works! NC allows you to take a step back from the emotional mess and look at the relationship from an outsider's point of view. It was only last week when I still wanted to get back with my ex, but if you are able to develop new dreams, then the world is your oyster. Live YOUR life for YOURSELF, don't live it for your ex. A breakup is an opportunity to do something new, and something YOU want to do.

 

I'm still far from being cured, however. I'm still expecting this rollercoaster ride to continue, and I'm sure I'll hit a dip before long. Afterall, 5 weeks of NC is still a little premature. But I'm certain that holding onto my new dreams will get me through the pain....

[Blue In Texas]

Photomo. That is great news. I am really happy for you. It shows there are some intermediate stages, between being totally devastated and totally back to normal, that can be reached in a fairly short time. Personally I am not where you are yet, but I can see it on the horizon. For all of us engaging in NC and trying to get past the tough times, this is really inspirational

[chai714]

Nice post. Your mental state appears to be very stable, your thought process is normal given the trauma of your breakup and your goals seem to appear also very normal. It's quite common for people who have been through a major breakup to take a trip, want to move, or start something very different in their lives. Hope everything goes well for you. Good luck.

[painful]

Photomo,

 

I respect you. I think I am where you are, both in timing and in the intermediate stage (from feeling * * * *ty to moving on). Its a great place to be because you can actually feel your emotional independence on the horizon. Of course, we will have bad days and bumps in the road but we will live through these. I know for sure that its is my bf's loss. I made mistakes in the initials stages but people so that in relationships and so i look past those human flaws. I know that its is not about me but circumstances and perhaps poor timing. Maybe we can be friends one day but I sincerely believe that NO CONTACT is critiacl to retaining your sense of self and challenges you to live without these people. We lived without them before we met them and so we can survive and live our best life without them too. I believe that our destiny is never tied to people that left. We also cannot talk people into staying, caring, thinking about or coming to see us. nature, as Superdave said, msut take its course. Good luck to everyone out there doing NC. It is HARD but if you stick with it, man it increases your emotional strength and your patience and prepares you to deal with future challenges that confront us as we continue on this journey through life. BE STRONG!

 

Painful

[curlygirl47]

I read some of that advice recently, too --- and I'm glad you shared it. It's from a preacher, but I can't remember his name.

 

Among the quotes from his "Let it Go for 2006" are: "If someone can walk away from you, let him or her walk." "Our destiny is never tied to someone who left." "If they had been for us, they would never have left us." "They left us because they were not joined to us." The bottom line, Let it Go! There are days when I can accept these teachings and other days when I go more for the unconditional loving, open-hearted approach. I just count it all as learning as we go.

[leeroybrown]

Go travel and follow your dreams. Let me tell you it'll make you a better person and it will help you in the long run. I had a very hard time getting over my first love. I missed out on alot back then in high school because I constantly thought about her and it always brought me down. Well, I started travelling alot, been to Europe 7 times in the past 8 years, got my degree and after about 10 years of not being with her, I can talk to her on the phone, have lunch with her, and be happy for her that she found the guy of her dreams. I can talk to her about anything and also realize that we just weren't meant to be. I got over her a long time ago because I started travelling and found a new love of travelling that will never go away. I guarantee after a year of travelling in South America, you'll feel like a new person and have a completely different outlook on life. Follow your dreams man, that's the best advice I can give to anyone.

[malibuanpine]

So what happened why you broke up with your ex? Are you saying you broke up 10 yrs ago, and you're still thinking about her wanting her back? Have you met any one else? What is it about your first love that you cannot forget her and truly move on?

[photomo]

It's funny how we can be in such a mixed state of emotions....after feeling good when writing that first post, I've now been thinking that I really really miss her. I'm not upset about it anymore, I'm not emotional about it either....it's just there is this genuine feeling of "miss". I've been having random flashbacks of one-off things we did, that I had not thought twice about over the past 6 years. I'm so in love with my memories....she gave me the best years of my youth. I wish I could go back to that night in August 1999 when we first kissed....I wish I could relive those 6 years again, putting right all the wrong....

 

...but I can't. It's not my call. The only thing I can do is pick up that brochure again, and start planning my trip. I know I'm feeling better with each day...it's just going to take time.

[octopus]

good luck... i know it's soooooo hard.. and mine was only six months... i can't imagine 6 years...

[leeroybrown]

So what happened why you broke up with your ex? Are you saying you broke up 10 yrs ago, and you're still thinking about her wanting her back? Have you met any one else? What is it about your first love that you cannot forget her and truly move on?

 

 

She broke my heart at 16.....and I don't think about her in that kind of way anymore. She's a great person, a great friend, and I accept that totally. Even if she were to come on to me at this point in my life, I wouldn't take it. I've met lots of girls since her and I've moved on in my life. I got over her a long time ago and just saying that after 10 years, she's still a great friend of mine, nothing more, just memories.