it's just gone.

[sentencedtoagony]

I don't value my life anymore.

 

There was a time when I used to, but that was long, long ago. That was when I was a child. Back when the world seemed a wondrous place and there were things to be discovered and friends to be made.

 

To me, life now is just a preparation for my death. It is about arranging things so that I can have everything in place (retirement, stable relationship, stable home -- things which are beyond my reach anyway). There isn't time anymore for "finding myself" because it is already determined. Stay with a job and retire, or be old and crusty without medical care and eventually die of cancer. I guess I just don't see the point of going through the motions. Why bother with the struggles?

 

Maybe I'm just an idealist and things can never be the way I wish they could and for that I just want to abort the mission. I guess it's like when you're playing a game and you've just had enough and you stop playing it. I guess I've reached that threshold with life. There is nothing pleasurable about it anymore.

 

I am "young" and still have options according to many that I talk to, but as far as work goes, I can't even get a job that a teenager can get. My credit is hosed by my ex. I am alone and I am too "creepy" to ever go out with a girl again and too jaded to ever love the way I once loved.

 

Life is just a series of events that beat me down, break my spirit, take away freedoms little by little. Maybe that attitude makes me a weak person. I understand how you could think that, but I also see how American culture is all about climbing to get what you want no matter the means. I don't want to be the one using everyone for a stepping stone, so I guess I get to BE the stepping stone. I would probably never escape my social destiny.

 

I've heard all the arguments about "giving up." Well, people give up on things all the time. People hurt and abandon people they "love" all the time. I guess I have come to accept that's the way the world works. If I leave behind family/friends and they are sad, I understand they will move on. Maybe it's not "fair" to hurt them, but if they are strong, they will make it. Maybe they will even get some benefit from it, whatever it may be.

 

I've heard all the arguments about ending one's "journey." "You will go to hell." "You are selfish." "Things will get better." I haven't heard anything that makes a convincing argument to me.

 

I don't believe in an afterlife. I am not 100% certain of it, but I am not 100% certain of anything. But if there is no afterlife, and this current life has lost its luster, is there any reason to keep going on? After all, I might just be ruining the experience for those who are enjoying life. If there is an afterlife, I'll try to send you an email and let you know how it is.

 

I've felt this way for a long time, so I probably won't take any action anytime soon. I'm not looking for rescue, but obviously still mildly considering toughing things out.

 

I wish I could value my life. But when it comes to wishing you could value your life, there is something so contradictory to "normailty" about it that makes changing it a near impossibility.

 

If I go on, I will look forward to a life of loneliness, regret, and disdain. Why expend the energy and resources for that?

 

The minutes are passing by, my body is aging, my opportunities are disappearing.

[Gunther]

Life is like a ladder, those who are above pull others to there own level. When there is no ladder, you must make your own. Feelings rule many men, when what they do not realize is that they rule there feelings. If one chooses to find contentment one makes his own and pulls themself to a higher level.

 

Try to find contentment in your life, then try to elevate yourself by doing things you find enjoyable. I truly hope you can find contentment, even if it is in the smallest of things.

[friscodj]

Try to find an enjoyable activity and develop it into a passion. I think once you do that, embrace, and absorb yourself in it, you will have a whole new outlook on life...

[Bethany]

I hate to preach here but I've lost someone close to me, and believe me there is NO benefit from it. None whatsoever. And to lose someone because of suicide is something people NEVER recover from. Grief ISN'T a broken heart that can be repaired and moved on from, you don't learn valuable lessons like in a relationsip or take what you've learned with you for 'next time'. You honestly think that your Mum will just recover and move on? NO SHE WON'T. Losing a child THE most stressful traumas anyone will ever go through. You know that her future will be, what you sentence the people you love to?? .....It will be the one your living now! Deep depression and stuck in a hole from hell, that's what.

 

I can see your depressed and talking yourself into this by thinking way too much in the negative because thats what depression does. It talks you into it. It talks you out of living and ever finding happiness. Takes away your hope. Don't let it, there is ALWAYS Hope.

 

Don't listen to your negative thoughts. The way out isn't through suicide,the way out is not to let your negative thoughts and depression talk you into it... to turn your negative thoughts around. Learn all you can about depression and negative thoughts because believe me when I say thatwhen you understand depression, it doesn't seem such a big deal. Realize that understanding your depression, understanding that it takes control of your life and sinks you lower than thought possible is something you can come out of the other side of by positive thoughts, getting up in the morning, going out when you don't feel like it, being in the company of others and talking to friends and people who love you to lift your spirits. Meeting new people, getting a new job or hobby, maybe finding a new love while you do it. All these things can and will lift your mood, why let such negative thoughts rule your mind anymore.

[CluelessGuy321]

I've been feeling this exact same way for a while now. Every now and then. My biggest reason for not ending it all is knowing all the jerks I know will be pleased. No one will really care either.

[brando]

Dude

 

You need to get a grip.

 

Your 27, and your life is still much ahead of you. Life doesnt happen to you, you make the choices and steer your life to where you would like it to go.

 

If you think negative you will get negative. Law Of Attraction, check it ot on the web.

 

Perhaps some counselling will get you back on track. You have many choices other than the topic of this post. Look for those choices, they are there

 

be well

brando

[Itsok]

Guys, it's time to give your head a shake! You can sit around, mope about your life and it's tragicness, or you can do something about it.

 

There are solutions in life to every problem, your job is to find them. If you aren't seeing them, it's time to take a new perspective on your problems and try something else.

 

We all have to work, we all hate our jobs, we all feel underpaid and not doing what we want. The time is now to find an activity after work that you enjoy. Most people who are truly unsatisfied with their lives don't have a lot of fun things they enjoy doing on a regular basis.

 

You're looking for answers and the answer is this: Your life, your thoughts, your sense of self is all up to you. You choose to be happy or sad, you choose to let things bother you or not, it's all up to you.

 

You can choose to let these problems overcome you, or you can choose to face them head on, move forward and find a more pleasant time in life for yourself. It's all up to you.

 

Find an activity and move forward my friend. Breathe the fresh air and be thankful you're alive.

[ShySoul]

*hugs. Hope that you are feeling better right now.

 

You are not creepy and you will love again. Believe me, I had my heart ripped out and was devastated. I saw no point in life, was beat down and alone with no one that loved me. I gave up on it all. But love has a way of finding you even when you don't want it too. I know that I am loved, and one day when I am ready I will be able to love with everthing that I am once again. The same will happen to you. You just have to believe it.

 

If you don't believe in an afterlife, its all the more reason to make this world a better place. So what if there is bad things happening and greedy people? That doesn't mean you have to be like that, and it doesn't mean you have to give up. There are good people surrounding you everyday. There are complete strangers willing to help you out and try to make you feel better on here. There are people giving back and volunteering. There are people who won't use others as a stepping stone, just as you won't. You sound like a good person, and you are strong for enduring the pain you have felt. Focus on the good things in life, and strive to make the bad things better. You may not be able to sovle everything, but you can help and affect the life of a single person, and that is worth it. The only way that the darkness wins is if good gives up, if we give up. Do you want to be the one that lets the darkness win, or do you want to shove everything in its face and tell it that it can't keep you down?

 

Great advice from Bethany and Itsok, you should listen to them. Focus on the positives. Turn your negative thoughts into positive ones. Find something that you enjoy, and throw yourself into it. Find something that helps you see the beauty in life again. And there is a lot of beauty there.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Sentenced, I just wanted to say, I have totally felt like you do. I still do sometimes. I just don't get it. Why do we brush and take care of our teeth when we're just going to get old and they're gonna fall out. Or we're gonna die anyway and then who gives a crap about the condition your teeth were in while you were alive!

 

I just don't get why we wake up in the am, do the same thing we did yesterday until one day you wake up and your 80. Bear with me, my discovery is coming...

 

What I'VE discovered is that in order to give your life meaning, you have to do something meaningful - something that will outlast even you.

 

I found great immortality in my children. (and that's not a reccommendation to have children)

 

That might not make sense to those who don't have kids, but I hope to be a good person for my kids so they will in turn be good people to their kids. And selfishly, maybe my great-great grandkids will ask about me and the memory of me will live on. And the things I have done will be interesting to someone, somewhere.

 

I ask my father about his grandparents all the time. I found out a whole bunch of stuff that even my dad didn't know. They were alive again, even if only briefly.

 

I try to do things I think will mean something to someone, somewhere at some time. I started to volunteer some of my time writing for a neighborhood newspaper. People read it and sometimes respond with what it meant to them.

 

My point is your life is as meaningful or meaningless as you make it. Its not quite as easy as some may suggest, you can't just shake it off, but just try to find something - anything that means something to YOU. Take pride in it. In other and more cheesy words, find something to live for.

[77streaks]

hi there, i understand how you feel, and felt that way for a lonng while i was going through a long stretch of deadbeat doldrums.

 

i thought about it for a long while, had a plan but didn't go through with it, simply cos i thought of all my loved ones. Anyone on the edge themselves might be blown down along with me. I took alot of stuff to be numb and that made me feel even duller and life looked duller. I wasn't putting anything into it, looking at the places in my life where i had failed.

 

comparing myself to my peers then just seemed pointless and sick. everything sickened me, and bored me.

 

then something happened to someone i loved. I was devastated, but then i realised i had to do something. I couldn't sit there and be swallowed up whole by this depression i was just feeding. i had to be strong for my folks when the crisis happened, and that just took me out of myself for a bit.

 

I started to really take the plunge. i had wanted to die, and nothing was really gonna feel any worse, so i tried to get the job i wanted, despite my festering low self esteem. i joined a new class. i suddenly realised that things could really be alot worse, and somehow that help.

 

a serious accident pushed me into severe depression, aand i was close to ending it. all my efforts just killed. but, somewhere inside i didn't want to just give up like that, and i think neither do you, by writing here you are making an effort. i took medication which provided the stability for me to start therapy. it was exhausting, scary and draining, but facing the demons headn with the therapist helped me, and i felt better if only for trying, and not being alone.

 

i felt better for a while, but now the underlying depression is still there. From time to time, i feel a sense of overwhelming pointlessness.

Working on my issues has helped alot. Sure, i am not 100% but i'm less miserable by maybe 20% sometimes i even get to feeling strong and good, and aware of how to make it.

 

maybe you might want to seek counselling or any kind of therapy.

this depression may be the starting point for the most liberating journey you'll ever have. Afterall you are close to giving up, so there is nothing to be lost from trying something new.

 

hang in there, maybe the death longing is really a deep longing for change.

You can do it.

 

Hugs

[sentencedtoagony]

i appreciate all of your replies. i don't know if i'm doing any better, but i'll see how much longer i can make the pea-sized-amount-of-hope i have can last me.

 

no matter how much i think about social problems, not having money, etc.. i guess it all comes down to just feeling alone. i miss the girl i love(d). i'm in a "new" place and nearly 2 years later still alone. and i guess i'm just too f--ked up to find anyone who is willing to spend time with me.

[Bethany]

nearly 2 years later still alone. and i guess i'm just too f--ked up to find anyone who is willing to spend time with me.

 

When you feel like this, you should make the time to visit a doctor. Sitting alone will re-inforce the feelings you have. Reach out and hope will grow.