I've got a ?

[willywonka]

I've got a ?

 

-------

 

I'm new to this site, but I notice that some of you are experiencing similar thoughts. 3 months ago I began dating a girl from school, whom I had known for about 3 months prior. We were in the same classes and worked on the same project together. One day after class we went to get dinner and stayed there al night talking, and shortly after that we began dating. Aside from a ribbon cutting ceremony and the marching band she has moved in and I have never been happier, but the only thing that has made concern for me is the age difference. I'm 29 and she is 22, which might not be bad but I'll be turning 30 in June. I don't look like I'd be 30 in fact most people think I'm in my mid twenties. Just wondering if I'm crazy for thinking there is an issue. I know it's not now, but I see a future and wonder if when I'm 40 and she is 33 if there will be the temptation of a younger man. I was with a girl for 6 years and she screwed with my head pretty good. I now see relationships as a matter of when not if. For her and everyone else they think it's a mute point as I work out and eat right, but I just was wondering. I know women age quicker than men and I understand the affects of kids on their body, but I've never been faced with getting older and I'm wondering if the age difference in the long term will be a problem. It's probably ego driven but I want to make sure I keep her wanting more of me. Any suggestions?

[DN]

Stop worrying about it. The older you get the less the age difference will matter not more.

[NJRon]

If you don't see that big of an issue right now, then know it will be even less of an issue as you both get older.

 

My suggestion is get over your baggage that you still carry around from your long term relationship. Every girl is different and you cannot judge one based upon the actions of another.

[arwen]

I agree. If it doesn't matter now, it won't later on. I prefer to date 'older' man, sofar the biggest difference was 6 years. I think by the time you are 40 and she is 33, you will have reached a point in the relationship (if all is well...) where you love each other for all there is to another-- inside and outside.

 

Ilse

[friscodj]

HA HA I'm facing a similar situation right now!

 

Don't sweat it. Age isn't the issue, the issues are maturity level and where you are both at in life...aside from the regular stuff of if you guys like each other, have similar values, chemistry, etc.

[ShySoul]

Does 70 and 62 years old seem like a big difference?The older people get, the less age matters. It matters more when you are young because people are experiencing more rapidfire changes in there life. But as you settle down and mature, it becomes less important.

 

Couples of any age can last as long as they are compatible and work out any differences that may come up. Honesty, communication, and compromise are key.

 

If you are healed from the other relationship and believe you are ready to be in another one, and you feel in your heart that she is the one to go for, then pursue it with all your heart.

[willywonka]

I appreciate the support from all of you. Maybe my concern is ego driven and not based on real substance. She acts waaaaay more mature than 22, to the point where she's the sensible one and I'm the immature one. I've got plans for my future and I was all set to go forward with them and keep myself so busy and traveling that I wouldn't miss a relationship. I was in this little bubble and had everything lied up in a row...and then she comes along and turns it around. Most of the people we know have a 5 year age difference between them. Hell er mom is dating a guy almost 10 years younger and a friend of ours is 23 and with a guy who is 33. She is kinda weirded out about my concern and thinks it is an excuse to push her away, because she seems to think it's my way of getting her to leave on my terms. I know she's not going anywhere, but that's what the last one said. We were 20 when we met and she left me six years later, while I was in the hospital with a tube in my heart, so you can see where my trust issues might stem from. She has always wanted kids, in fact she recently told me that she would have gotten married and started a family at 18 if she found the right guy. Some of the people I know and have met have said that not only does she not ook that much younger, but that we complement each other very well...we are comparable as it was put. I know many celebrities have significant age differences etween them, such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (11 years), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (27 years), and John Travolta and Kelly Preston, (8 years), but these people have personal trainers and chefs to keep them at their best, not to mention some of the best plastic surgeons in the business. A friend of mine pointed out the fact, that it could be my girlfriend who begins to show age quicker. I know there are couples with similar gaps or greater, but I don't want her to miss out on the next 7 years in a relationship or with a family, when she could be out partying or whatever. Maybe that's not what she wants.

[NJRon]

Wow, you've put *way* too much thought into this. Just relax in the knowledge that 6 years age difference is nothing and feel at ease

 

Sorry for that other woman... that was pretty crappy and I understand how that could leave some emotional wounds. Just try to deal with those as best you can and do your best to not let it affect your future relationships.

 

Best Wishes

[ShySoul]

willywonka,

 

Ok, have to get the lame joke out of the way. Are you sending out anymore golden tickets?

 

Seriously now, I think this stems from the ex and your issues of being left again. And with her leaving during such a rough time for you, that fear is understandable. Thing to realize is, she isn't the ex. She is her own person and if you like and trust her, you will have faith that she will stay with you (or it would be a mutual breakup under much better terms). The past is the past. It is no guarantee that it will happen in the future. In fact, you can't really be certain of what will happen in the future. So its best to live in the moment and concentrate on what you have now. If the relationship blooms to the point where you are together in 10 years, it will be your love that keeps things together.

 

As far as showing signs of age, when you love someone the person only grows more beautiful with age.

[southpaw]

Don't worry about it, like you said, it's moot.

 

My boyfriend is going to go bald in about 8 years (he's 22 and I'm 25...it's in the genes for him) and given his all or nothing mentality he'll very likely soften into a marshmellow after this last year of track (sprinters don't seem to continue training/working out after college). I don't care; I'm going to enjoy watching him change (cause i get to be around for it) and chances are, half of those gray hairs and wrinkles will be my doing. I like that, there is a sense of investment.

 

I doubt that I'm the only girl that feels this way, also, given how self-conscious many people are about their own bodies, as long as you're making her feel sexy, she's not going to go looking elsewhere. On a semi-related note, I've read that there is a positive correlation between women's satisfaction with the guy's participation in the housework with men's satisfaction in the amount of sex in the relationship. You may not care/need that little tidbit but I thought it was interesting and perhaps someone else will read this thread and find it helpful/entertaining.

 

Oh yeah, baggage, seems like we all have it. I'm definitely on the same side of the fence that you're on, I've never left someone I ever told I loved (I used to tell my friends that I'm kind of like an Ivy League school...kind of hard to get into but once you're there it's pretty hard to fail out), so I've had a few 3.5 year relationships end. It hurt a lot and I've worried about trust as well or thought of things in the inevitable when he leaves...but I shouldn't do that and neither should you. Seeing how you appear to be a sticker (as am I) in relationships, if would be pretty naive to think we were the only two people like that in the whole world. Seems like at some point in this random walk of life, we will (have) bumped into people that will love us forever no matter what, just as we love them.

[novaseeker]

There are two issues here:

1. Insecurity/Trust.

2. Need for validation.

 

On the first issue, if you're going to feel insecure because she is younger than you, then clearly that's going to be a substantial problem for you. One thing you need to get to the bottom of is whether you would feel this insecure anyway regardless of age, or whether it really is just related to the age gap. If you'd feel insecure regardless in any case, you should speak with some kind of counselor or therapist to find out what might be driving those feelings and try to get past them.

 

2. If you're the type who needs affirmation from others about your relationship(s), age gap relationships can be challenging ... because a lot of people either disapprove of them or look askance at them in some way, and quickly judge people who are involved in one of them. You kind of have to not care so much about what others think and simply ignore them at times if you're in one of these relationships, and not everyone can do that.

 

SO, I'd recommend getting to the bottom of your concerns about trust and insecurity and see where the roots really are.

[DN]

I've read that there is a positive correlation between women's satisfaction with the guy's participation in the housework with men's satisfaction in the amount of sex in the relationship.

 

Yes, I have read that as well - usually in columns telling women how to manipulate their men, especially if they think using sex as a bargaining tool instead of a mutually satisfying and fulfilling experience is ok.

[southpaw]

I read it in a study by Dr. Grottman. Apparently there's also a positive correlation besides the amount of housework a man does and better physical health four years later...perhaps the geriatric gods are reading up on how to manipulate men as well.

[DN]

Of course there may also be men who recognise it for what it is and decide they would prefer to be with someone who doesn't play games and manipulate people even if the games are recommended by a Dr.

[friscodj]

Of course there may also be men who recognise it for what it is and decide they would prefer to be with someone who doesn't play games and manipulate people even if the games are recommended by a Dr.

 

Amen to that! Just because you see a "Dr." in front of someone's name doesn't mean you should take what they say as absolute truth...

[ShySoul]

I've read that there is a positive correlation between women's satisfaction with the guy's participation in the housework with men's satisfaction in the amount of sex in the relationship.

 

It's simple when you think about it, and not a game or form of manipulation. Yes, there will be those women who play games and manipulate, just as there are men who do the same. However, for most its a simple matter of being shown how much a person cares. Traditionally a women has been expected to do all the housework. To them it may feel like a chore, an obligation. It can be tiring. It can be fustrating. So when a man pitches in and takes some of the load off the women, it does a few things. It demonstrates that the man is willing to take care of things and make an effort around the house, when that isn't what has often been expected of him. It also lightens the load on her, which gives her more of a chance to relax and be less tired come later on. She has a chance to get in the mood more, and she will also want to show her appreciation for the way you helped her with things. Thus, there is a good chance the sex will increase, making the guy happier.

 

When you please a women and make her happy, she will return the favor more then you would believe.

[younger 22]

yeah, that 's right, just depends on the emotional maturity on the person and their ability to work on the relationship so the other party would not be feeling left behind. I am 8 years younger than my husband,I didn't realize before why he was a bit advance than me. The only problem was that he did not know how to bring me up to his level. He thinks we think and feel the same way and we have similar life experience, sometimes he thinks I am slow to catch up with him and sometimes he gets frustrated with me. as I look back sometimes I think I should have married someone in my own age. But in your case, you sound like you care for her so much and would do anything to make her happy. You can also do younger stuff with her even though your older. Most older people like to do things that young people do. It keeps you young at heart. Cheers to you.