Some insight please...

[1824blue]

I am so confused. I have been with my boyfriend (ex now) for the past year, at the beginning of the relationship I wasn't really that into it, I was just coming out of a relationship and wasn't really sure about this new guy. Even at the very start we would fight alot, it always seemed like he would pick the fights, put me down, pick on me, tell me that I was WAY too sensitive, (which I can be) and then when it was settled and after he had gotten me all upset and angry he would buy me something, or take me out for a really fancy dinner.

 

I had just moved to the city actually to the country all by myself for a job, felt all alone and I grew to be quite dependent on him, I felt that even though it wasn't the best of relationships that it was better then being alone. I didn't want to be single where I was, I work in a theatre which is a very different environment to be in. I hated all the guys hitting on me, and I was having a hard time with the other girls because alot of them thought I was the new girl craving all the attension. But really I was just the new hot meat on the market and I hated it. I felt protected and more left alone when I was with my boyfriend (now ex).

 

He is very good looking and he was also somewhat new to the theatre as well so there were alot of jealousy issues that occurred between us during our relationship from people we worked with interfering, speading rumurs, it felt like I was plunked right into the dramas of high school again.

Don't get me wrong he is a very caring loving person with good intensions, but he also has quite a mean streak, a temper and can seem almost vendictive at times. To others he is very charasmatic, but when you get close to him and alone its like he has so much anger built up inside of him. He rarely saw the good in people and especially me. He saw so many bad qualities in me and always pointed them out. He would mix it up with I love you's, your so beautiful, I couldn't imagine my life with out you, and when we get married talk. But then in a couple days it would be our relationship is a joke, you make me miserable ect. I began ignoring the bad and only focusing on the good.

 

Either way I stayed with him, ended up basically living with him, spending almost every minute with him, becoming more and more used to the up and down nature of the relationship and his moods. I fell stupidly in love with him, it was like a challenge, I knew I wasn't happy for the most part but I wanted so bad to make him happy and make him see the good in me.

 

OK cutting to the chase...after awhile he just completely stopped caring, which drove my crazy, I probably pushed him away in the end trying so hard to get the good moments back but couldn't. I would get the your my soul mate, I love you so much every so often but for the majority of the time I felt like I was a pest in his life, and I could do no right in his eyes.

 

So he ended up breaking up with me about 5 weeks ago, and hasn't spoke with me since. We work together so i see him everyday. And it is soo hard when he walks right past me pretending he has no idea who I am anymore, or if i say anything to him I get a short one word answer. He is always around me though it seems almost purposful, talking to people so I can hear, and I catch him looking at me, but for the most part he has turned his love into complete hate towards me and it is killing me.

 

I dont know what to do, I want him back, even though I know I shouldn't. My family is all very supportive of me staying far away from him, I just miss him so much and the fact that he acts as though he hates me is eating at me. When he broke up with me, i made it clear how I felt and how I fell in love with him so since then I havn't been pushy or chasing him. But none the less I feel totally rejected and like I wish we could at least be friends, I see him everyday and in social settings so this no contact thing is not really an option.

 

Please anybody, give me some advice as to why this is hurting me so bad, why I miss him so much, and what I can do?

 

Thanks!!

[NJRon]

In reading your post I can certainly identify. I know it's hard to see it right now because you are so close to it, but to me, he sounds like a control freak. I think you are less in love with him than you are addicted to him. He plays your buttons and keeps you exactly where he wants you, and you play the game by always following his lead.

 

You need to emotionally distance yourself from the situation as much as you can so you can be a little more congnizant of your surroundings. If you read your post, you will see all the contradictions in it. He pushes you and then reels you back in. Once you stop trying to get him back, he is going to come after you. Don't let him. Stand your ground and find someone who will treat you right.

[DN]

To others he is very charasmatic, but when you get close to him and alone its like he has so much anger built up inside of him. He rarely saw the good in people and especially me. He saw so many bad qualities in me and always pointed them out. He would mix it up with I love you's, your so beautiful, I couldn't imagine my life with out you, and when we get married talk. But then in a couple days it would be our relationship is a joke, you make me miserable ect. I began ignoring the bad and only focusing on the good.

 

Keep reading that until the desire to be back with him is completely squashed by your common sense.

[friscodj]

I dont know what to do, I want him back, even though I know I shouldn't. My family is all very supportive of me staying far away from him, I just miss him so much and the fact that he acts as though he hates me is eating at me. When he broke up with me, i made it clear how I felt and how I fell in love with him so since then I havn't been pushy or chasing him. But none the less I feel totally rejected and like I wish we could at least be friends, I see him everyday and in social settings so this no contact thing is not really an option.

 

Please anybody, give me some advice as to why this is hurting me so bad, why I miss him so much, and what I can do?

 

Thanks!!

 

Oh honey, you've fallen into a trap many of us here have before: you fell in love with and more importantly have gotten attached to a bad guy for you! And you know the answer already...stay away from him! So do it!

 

Read some of my past posts...this situation is essentially the gender-reversed story of my romantic life...

 

Just stay away, be alone for a while, get comfortable being alone, and don't let something like this happen again!

[shebop]

This guy definitley sounds like a control freak and someone not worth being with. You would never want to be with someone who doesn't respect you... take it as a blessing that he broke up with you... do not talk to him at work...ignore him completley, don't give him the satisfaction that you are still interested when he obviously does not care about your feelings at all. I know it must be tough seeing him at work everyday...try to do everything you can to avoid him. Start doing some things for yourself....and if he starts to wonder why you are taking no notice of him at work and decides to start talking to you... tell him thanks...but no thanks

 

Good luck!

[friscodj]

take it as a blessing that he broke up with you...

 

Exactly! In time, you'll realize it too...

[1824blue]

Thank you so much for your replies, I am hearing what you are saying it is still so hard to let go though and look at him without being with him. I was happy to be independent before I met him and now I need to find that part of myself again. I've been relationships really all my life (I'm 23) and I've never felt this much pain before, or been so hung up on someone.I can't believe how caught up in it all I got myself. I wish it didn't have to go from him being my best friend and lover to just walking past me and treating me like I meant nothing to him. Are you saying that I need to play that game as well, cause really I have been nothing but nice to him since, I havn't gone out of my way, but I don't hate him, i should, but I don't. I am only working with the company until the end of the month and then i am moving back home to Canada. So it is not much longer, I just hate to be consumed with all of this for my last few weeks in here. I just can't kick this constant craving I have for him.

[NJRon]

Not syaing to play any game. Act the way you want to. Just don;t let him lure you back and start living your own life. If you have been in constant relationships, you might think about taking a break entirely and being single for a hile. Even though it is a little tough, and people will wonder why you want to be single, the growth that you get will be greta and put you in a position for accepting that next *real* love.

[friscodj]

Your feelings are completely normal under any circumstance.

 

Just make a clean and final break...go NC...and post here throughout your grieving process...

[1824blue]

Thank you NJRon, you are right, I know, I just have a hard time not letting my thoughts consume me. What you said earlier about being more addicted then in love with him makes sense to me. It feels like I am getting of of an addiction, I've never been into drugs so I wouldn't know but i can imagine that it feels similar. Its like I just need a little fix of his kindness and then I will feel better. It sounds so weak I know, and I hate it, but its true feelings. How do you tell yourself to just shut up, smarten up, get up and live your life rather then pine over someone who no longer wants to be a part of your life? Is 5 weeks a long time to still be feeling like this? And its killing me wondering why he needs to hate me.

[1824blue]

Thank you everyone for being so understanding, I am getting tired talking about it to my friends and family about it all the time. I can hear myself as I sound like a broken over analizing record. It is great to have a place like this, its like I just need to still get it out and be reassured.

[friscodj]

Is 5 weeks a long time to still be feeling like this? And its killing me wondering why he needs to hate me.

 

Five weeks...it's still very fresh...you still have a ways to go...

 

Why does he need to hate you? Who knows...maybe because he has serious anger issues...

[NJRon]

No, 5 weeks is not a long time to be feeling like anything. You will feel how you feel for however you feel that way. There is no right or wrong, everyone is different.

 

As for the fix. Yes. I think almost everyone coming out of a relationship understands that. The one thing you need to keep in mind is that once you get your fix, you will feel worse. The only way that you can avoid getting your fix is to convince yourself that you don't want to feel worse. No matter how bad you feel before getting that fix, I guarantee you, you will feel worse. So, whenever you are at you lowest point, ask yourself, do you want to punish youself more?

 

He needs to hate you because he is immature. Remember this, hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. If you are apathetic toward him, it will drive him absolutely crazy. He can't understand that because he is immature. That's why he will vacilate between hate and love... because they are really just different expressions of the same emotion. Don't fall for it if he does that. Because once he hooks you with love, he will switch to hate.

 

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. You earned them.

[1824blue]

Thank you everyone for being so understanding, I am getting tired talking about it to my friends and family about it all the time. I can hear myself as I sound like a broken over analizing record. It is great to have a place like this, its like I just need to still get it out and be reassured.df

[1824blue]

your so right about how you feel so much worse after a "fix" Brutal how emotions work sometimes. I think or there are rumer going around that he is starting to date this girl who I work with as well but she's married. She often lyes about it as he is in another country but non the less she is married. She is not his type of girl in the least, she is pretty, but crazy, a huge flirt with all the guys (my ex gets quite jealous), does drugs, I dont really know her to well as she is russian and hangs out mostly with the other russians. I'll be sitting in a room and he'll choose the seat right behind me and talk to her. The conversation seems so forced on his side like he is trying to make something of nothing. I dont know if they are dating but, it seems like there is interest there anyway...but she's Married!!! Why is he doing this? He is also going out to absolutly every social function there is, he used to make fun of those people call them desperate, he was usually to tired or grumpy at night after work to go anywhere but home with me, and then fall asleep on his couch.

Now he is Mr social and I am thrown to the trash. Does he know she's married? Should I be the one to tell him? Why is he doing this, its like I never even knew him!

[1824blue]

I am packing up all my stuff and I keep finding all these things filled with memories of us together. I just wish I could stop remembering all the good times, I miss him.

 

Silently miss him, I am stubbornly remaining with NC, its just this missing him feeling I can't seem to kick. Its getting better believe me, its just there, tapping me on the shoulder all the time.

 

A friend of mine but mostly a guy who works in the same department as my ex of his just called me today and asked me if I had any plans for Tuesday night (Valentines) I said not really just a couple of my single girlfriends and my best gay friend were probably just going to hang out and pretend to be each others valentines. He said well before you do that would you like to join me for dinner at this absolutely beautiful resturant here in town. I have no romantic desires for him at all, I am not ready to date, and I am moving out of the country in 4 weeks, he is however good company and he wants to take me out for a nice dinner so I thought about and then accepted his invitation.

 

Its not a date, just an evening. I thought it was sweet that he thought of me. And kinda sad that the person I want to be thinking about me is not...do you think it is ok? Should I be worried about what my ex thinks if he hears about it? Its not like I am dating this guy, just going out for a nice dinner. I hate that I still really care what he thinks about me and if I would be making things worse. I don't want to disrespect him, even though he has no problem disrespecting me.

[NJRon]

I think I would be more worried if I were the guy that asked you out that works with your ex. You have nothing to worry about Enjoy yourself.

[1824blue]

I actually had a great day yesturday, soo up and down but the average of it I think was my best yet post breakup! I was in a really good place right before I arrived at work, then as soon as I got there my good friend came up to me and said "I think something is going on with your ex and *****. He called her right in front of me earlier today" I was like "ya thats what I heard, he can do what ever he wants, she's married anyway which is kind of a joke"

 

Inside I was crushed though, I hate that I feel this way. I know that they are hanging out, my ex for some reason cannot be alone with himself so it could possibly be just that they are just hanging out and becoming friends cause its all just hear say and rumers anyway. When I see them together I have not seen any kind of romantic connection as of yet. And she is still all over other guys right in front of him, which is not something that I think my ex could handle as he gets jealous and is quite judgmental, with me anyway.

 

Later on I was sitting in the green room and of course he came in and chose the seat right next to me with his back turned to me and was talking really loud to another guy about all this fun stuff he's been doing on his bike (I used to love going on bike rides with him) and he is a mumbler, he never talks loud. I got up and walked out of the room, normally I would have stayed. This happened a couple times yesturday. I could see he watched me leave the room each time probably surprised in my change of behavior and lack of care.

 

Either way, I know you shouldn't play games, and really I wasn't other then the fact that I made an effort to appear that I couldn't care less, and not let him get to me, but to be honest I felt like I made him squirm a little yesturday, by not playing into anything.

 

I do still care though, I guess it'll just take time, and once I am able to leave the whole "smallville" environment things will probably get easier.

 

It's funny but I think I am more hung up then I should be just by the fact that he dumped me in the end. Its hard not to put all the blame on myself, I am by no means without my own issues or perfect in anyway but the fact that in the end he was the one who wanted to get away from me makes me feel like maybe I was the problem in the relationship and that he just couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

do you know what I mean? Its hard to take him off of the pedestool that I placed him on, its like I need so much reasurance that he was not good for me, and that I need to stay away.

[NJRon]

It's hard that you work with him. This is probably the major reason why I neever date anyone I work with.

[1824blue]

I was doing soo well until this happened. You know how I said I had a great day the other day, paid no attension to him and didn't let him get a reaction out of me. Instead I could see that he was squirming a little.

 

Well the next day he calls me, first time in 5 weeks. I was excellent on the phone with him, I showed him no signs of remorse. Either way he called to tell me that it was all just rumors about him dating that girl there was nothing between them and people saw them out together one time and assumed that they were dating when in fact he said they are just friends and that is it. He said not to listen to any of it, its tough for him too, and he misses me as I was his best friend as well b4.

 

All this conversation is on the phone on my way into work. When I get into the parking garage I say to him ok I think you've said everything you called to say I'll talk to you later.

 

I burst into tears as soon as I hang up the phone. I was hard talking to him again and being so strong with him, he really brings out a weakness in me that I had though I had gotten ride of. I composed myself, so you couldn't tell I had been crying and walked into work. Well as soon as I get through the doors at work he is standing there waiting for me.

 

I could totally tell that he was nervous to see me, and while he was talking his eyes were all shifty. We've broken up and then gotten bacl together enough times for me to know what he looks like after and I could see his nerves. I on the other had have this great acting ability (hah) and was so proud of myself that I was just totally cool. He brought me outside so that he could show me his new faster motercycle that he just bought.

 

He always buys huge items when somthing is going wrong in his life, each time we broke up he would have bought some new toy ranging between $2000 and $13,000. And he really is not that rich, especially now.

 

Anyway we talked abit about the bike and then parted ways. it was a nicce conversation but yet exhausting for me. I was coming along really well in my healing process and after that I felt alot worse. It was better when I had something to hate him about. I started questioning myself when he reminded me of his good side.

 

Either way it gets way worse...the day after that happened I come into work once again back to my old self, being friendly with him, and pretty much getting the cold shoulder in return. Then as I am driving home from work at 1:00 in the morning, I pull up to a stop light right beside him and that girl riding home on his bike!!! Firstly I know its stupid but I was choked that she was wearing my helmet, but without making too many crazy assumptions it looked pretty clear to me that he was going home with her and that they had come into work together.

 

Innitially I was utterly crushed when i saw that, back to stage one of healing, and now I am absolutely furious. Why would he make the effort to call me and flat out lie to me??? Or am I just making another assumption? I really don't think so, I was fine before. And then he calls me, is all sweet and thinking of me not wanting me to think that he is dating her, the next day is back to his ice cold self and I see him and her going home together.

 

What am I supposed to do? I hate myself for letting him string me up and down all over again.

[1824blue]

I want to ask him why he lied to me. I want to make him hurt and feel like a fool. Is there anything I can do?

[NJRon]

Yeah, you can recognize those feelings and let them go and not act on them. Pursuing that will just hurt you more.

[shebop]

Yes there is something you can do...You can stop being friendly to him (even when he decides to play this game again and then he might feel like a fool when you don't aknowledge him)...b/c you are right he is stringing you a long. You don't have to do anything viscous...just ignore him (even if it is really hard...b/c if you think about it, it is way harder to deal with him stringing you a long and lying to you)

You need to let him know that you have enough respect for yourself to not be treated like this. Do not anwser his calls, be casual at work. You are not playing games with him, you are moving on....

 

good luck

[1824blue]

Thank you guys, its funny how you hear again and again NC NC NC and then that one moment comes, you disregard all of it, mess up and then you are back to square one again. I need some reasuring thoughts regarding no contact, staying away from somthing you know is soo bad for you, but yet you feel magnitized to do stupid things somtimes and in the end you end up looking and feeling like more of a foul then anything.