men nicer in the beggining?

[Caterina]

Do you think that relationships become harder and harder as time wears on? For instance, all the happy couples who claim to have "thought" that they were in love only to later...divorce? Or the happily in love couples who eventually are caught up in their routines and forget what the word "romance" even means? People always tell me that men are their nicest in the beggining and then that goes away.

[TiredMan]

It could be the women too you know.

[Dako]

Tired man has a good point.

[Scout]

Hi Caterina,

 

I think we're all on our best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. I know I am!

 

The key is to manage the problems that arise in a relationship from a mature and respectful standpoint. Here's some great advice I myself got recently from several folks on how to do just that.

 

 

[RayKay]

Do you think that relationships become harder and harder as time wears on? For instance, all the happy couples who claim to have "thought" that they were in love only to later...divorce? Or the happily in love couples who eventually are caught up in their routines and forget what the word "romance" even means? People always tell me that men are their nicest in the beggining and then that goes away.

 

I think that is a rather general statement. Sure in the beginning people are "putting their best on", but I would not say it is a matter of someone "being nicer" in the beginning. Not every couple goes from lust to love, not every couple puts forth the effort that love needs, some couples believe avoiding conflict is better then addressing it, some believe that "lust" is love, and when that initial high is gone they pull away. There are so many issues that can lead to the dissolution or success of a relationship, that cannot be generalized by "not being nice" anymore.

 

Love is not the only thing that makes a relationship last - listening and communication skills, how they resolve conflict, whether their values and goals are compatible, whether they put the work into it all matter as well.

 

And BOTH men and women can forget that a relationship needs work, even with all the love in the world there, you must nourish and strengthen what you have together, you must not ignore issues, you need to listen to and value your partner, and in turn they need to do the same.

 

Relationships do not "become harder and harder", but there are going to be rough times, and if couples do not work through them, or ignore them, then yes the issues do compound and become greater. It's like maintenance though...if you did not take care of your house for 10 years, is it so surprising it one day it starts cracking, paint fading, electrical failing? Meanwhile if you took it in regularly, took care of it by washing it regularly, changing the furnace, re-shingling, adding some paint..working on the foundation as well as the minor cracks....it can keep on standing as a home for many many many years and generations to come. Some repairs here and there, but overall it's got a good strong stable home, just as a relationship can be - able to withstand the minor and address them, get to the root cause.

 

I posted recently a couple times about a study on couples..that was able to predict whom would divorce in 5 years and whom not and would still be happy. It had nothing to do with how "happy in love" they were, but how they listened to one another, how they addressed conflict, how they used positive reinforcement, how they cared about one another....it turns out every couple had about 11 irreconciliable differences, but what mattered more was how they worked on these issues together, so both people felt heard and part of the relationship. The researchers were 100% accurate in their predictions based on these observations.

[Dako]

In a LTR, Both people have to want to be together for it to work.

Love is a reason to want this, but it's the little things like consideration and sharing that really make it last. Not everyone has the drive to work on it after the novelty wears off. The sex and social advantages of the pairing aren't enough to keep it fresh over the years.

Even after my wife and I split up, we do things for each other and treat each other with care. After decades of these habits, they've become ingrained. In the last five years of our marriage I was still trying to improve. I even gave up burping the alphabet after dinner.

Now that's sacrifice!

[BellaDonna]

People always tell me that men are their nicest in the beggining and then that goes away.

 

I think both males and females try to put their best foot forward when starting a relationship.

 

However, being "nice" in the beginning is all about making an impression. Hopefully, as the relationship continues, it won't be about social impressions anymore- and the 2 people will get to TRULY know, love, and respect one another. IF you know, love, and respect someone- you would want to continue to be GENUINELY nice and caring toward them.

 

The right man for you will never stop being nice, and never stop caring about you.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

The right man for you will never stop being nice, and never stop caring about you.

 

That's it in a nutshell.

[brando]

Caterina,

 

first of all, you are listening to generaliziations, which are rarely true. Second look at the person who is telling you this, and see how many relationships they been in and third, it simply takes two willing people to continously enhance the relationship they are in.

[ravenfox]

yes

 

im sorry but i feel this way. i wish i didn't but after a while one partner does the work and the other just sits back because they think the cats in the bag. and you know the cat usually is. it's just a matter of how we treat the ones closest to us the worst usually.