ADVICE, THOUGHTS, PERSONAL EXPERIENCES on my post

[ElektraHere]

Hello Everyone,

 

I have posted about this previously. I have feelings for my friend and he does not share that sentiment. So I decided that I couldn't be his friend and I was absolutely miserable. He said that he was sad the day after I told him we couldn't be friends anymore.

I don't want to give him up. He means a lot to me. So I saw him online last week and we talked and I told him how I just couldn't give up on our friendship.

 

I keep trying to find an angle that he will change his mind. He doesn't want a relationship he wants to be on his own and live for him right now. That is all fine and good but that makes me still hold on to that little shred of hope we can try and be together. I think I am holding on to a lost cause and I just need to get this out of my head. (So please if you are still reading bear with me)

 

So the other night I was online and saw he was too. I thought I would say hello and see how his day was and if he liked the songs I had sent him….Nothing so I asked if he didn't feel like chatting then he logged off. So I tried calling his house to just ask about the songs…..went to voicemail. All I can think is he is distancing himself from me since I cant do it steadfastly. However, it is hurtful to me. I wrote him an email explaining how it hurt my feelings and that his independence sometimes comes off as arrogance. I also asked him if I should stop calling him altogether since he does not answer his phone for me and really doesn't call back. I wish I didn't have these feelings and everything could go back to normal. I should have never told him. I beat myself up over that decision.

 

So I guess what I am looking for is thoughts on my predicament and when does independence just come off as blatant rudeness? How does one get rid of the hope and feelings for a friend that you don't want to give up in your life?

 

Thanks

[Itsok]

He sounds just plain rude to me, and like he is too immature to try to still be friends after you told him the truth.

 

Most people don't get as upset as he has over you telling him you have feelings for him. In fact, if he was really such a good friend, he would have said he doesn't feel the same way but would like to remain friends.

 

Honestly I would evaluate if you truly want this guy as a friend. Don't bother calling or messaging him anymore. He's too immature for you.

[hellokittykitty]

Elecktra, this is very similar to my case... I feel for you.

 

In my case we met and started dating, he told me that he couldn't be in a relationship with me or anyone because he needed to sort life out for himself and get things concrete before he could think about his personal life. He told me he wants to keep getting to know me and keep spending time with me just on a lower key level without the expectation of a relationship because he can't give that right now...

 

needless to say I told him all along how I felt for him, last week we got in a fight, he said really mean things to me and told me he never had feelings for me... and that he didn't ever know what he felt about me.

 

I don't believe it, he was angry and he put his defenses up because he knew if he told me how I felt I would push for a relationship he couldn't give me.

 

We are trying to be friends but he hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him. I am miserable... but....

 

I think you shouldn't give up hope. In your heart if you like him there is nothing to say that he won't realize that one day and decide he wants something.

 

If you truly believe it's a waste of time then you need to distance yourself and not contact him. NO ONE deserves to be treated with disrespect. Call people back, BE HONEST ... if you can't be friends or you don't feel anything, just be honest....(I'm talking about him)

 

He sounds immature and he needs to figure himself out. It's not you.

[LotusFlower]

Cut the bull and when you do talk to him, tell him that when he logs off like that its rude and that your cool if he just says he doesn't want talk right now. Men like women who stick up for themselves...TACTFULLY.

 

Also... you cant change people... you said you keep trying to find angles to change him...while your doing that, mr. perfect could be walking right on by. I'd move past the love-interest, or keep it to yourself if he is not responding to you that way. He may have found someone else that is distancing him, or he feels you are too needy and not listening to his stance.

 

Discipline...when he is online, don't say anything unless he starts the conversation, and if he does, get off shortly after. Men like the chase. If he doesn't start the conversations after awhile...then move on completley, he has lost interest.

[ElektraHere]

Hello,

 

I just wanted to say that when we have talked he has been very supportive of me and is a good man. I just feel that sometimes his independence comes of as rudeness. He wants only the best for me and for me to be happy with me. Its just that I want something that right now or if ever I can't have.

[hellokittykitty]

Elecktra!! ... that is what my ex has said to me. It hurts ... my ex is such a genuine, well meaning guy but just the same as you I want something that I can't have right now or possible never.

[shes2smart]

If I'm reading this right, you and this guy were friends and you developed more romantic-type feelings towards him, you let him know about this in case he might be feeling the same way and now he's backed off....right?

 

Well, it can't go back to the way it was before you told him (if that's what happened)...unless both of you agree to play, "Let's ignore the big pink and purple rhino sitting in the middle of the living room." Doesn't sound like he wants to do that.

 

To me it sounds like he's uncomfortable with your revelation. There may be a number of reasons for that including (but not limited to): he's truly sorry he doesn't feel the same way, he thinks he may have done something to lead you on, he doesn't want to deal with the situation, he doesn't believe you can go back to being "just friends" and so forth. Whatever his reasons, they make sense to him.

 

Do you really want to have someone in your life where you're settling for their friendship when you really want more from them? That seems to me like it'd be a very painful way to live. And it could also limit your vision if someone else who was interested in you romantically were to enter the picture. If you're still even a little hung up on wanting more with your friend, a potential suitor might interpret that as you not being available, y'know?

 

I will grant that there are better ways he could handle it that wouldn't leave you feeling so hurt and so forth, but not everyone has those kinds of interpersonal skills.

 

While you feel like you want him in your life, and you'd settle for him being just a friend, what I'm seeing right now is his involvement in your life in that limited capacity is more a source of pain and confusion for you than something fulfilling. For the time being you might want to consider ceasing all contact with him if only to give both of you some time and distance from the expression of your more-than-friendly feelings.

 

You mentioned that you tried this once before and you were miserable, but are you really better off now? It's kinda like ripping off a band-aid...you can take it off quick and have a few moments of really intense pain.....or you can peel it off slowly, a little bit at a time, and have a little bit of pain over a longer period of time. If it was me, I'd bite the bullet and just rip that sucker off and get it over with.

 

If you do cease contact with him for a few months or a year, it will give those feelings you have some time to dissipate, and who knows, you might meet someone else in the interim. There's nothing to say it has to be a permanent separation. I'm generally against getting back together with an ex....but since there wasn't really a dating/romantic relationship here in the first place I wouldn't see a problem with attempting to continue the friendship at a later date when your romantic feelings towards him have cooled off some.

 

Right now, the more you initiate contact with him, the more likely he is to keep pulling away.

[Relationship Coach]

Elektra,

Looking at this from an outsiders perspective, I would have to say that he isn't sure what he should do or how he should interact with you. He understands how you feel about him and was "sad" when you told him you could no longer be friends. Now, you have recanted that and want to be friends again. He had already dealt with the initial sadness of losing you as a friend and perhaps he doesn't want to get hurt again if you change your mind once again. He may see your on/off switch confusing and wants to be careful not to encourage your friendship thus giving you false hope. Be very thankful he is not stringing you along or playing you.

 

For whatever reason he has chosen to remain single it doesn't appear to be you. All the geometry classes in the world will not help you find and name the angle that you need to make him change his mind. You either have to accept the role of being friends or walk away if it is too painful. Being his friend can be very tough right now for you. Think of it as being in AA and being a bartender, every day you face what has hurt you and what you cannot have without possibly ruining everything. How would you feel if you stayed friends with him and he started dating someone? Is the pain worth the pleasure?

 

RC

[ElektraHere]

Hello,

 

Thank you all. I really appreciate everyone's advice. I guess I really know what needs to happen I just had to hear it from people outside the situation.

 

I did get a response from my email about how I thought his independence was coming off as arrogant and how it hurt my feelings he logged off w/o saying at least a hello. He asked if I was judging him, he said he was sorry for me thinking he was coming off rude, said he got the songs, and that was it. I emailed him back to tell him I wasn't judging him and that I was just letting him know how I felt. I was hoping to hear something back and have not.

 

He is a wonderful man and yes I do believe that I need to distance myself but I hope that one day in the near future we can be friends that talk and are in contact again. You know we had talked about traveling together and who knows hopefully that can still happen down the road? I care for him deeply and yes the friendship seems a bit unbalanced at this time so I need to again step back.

 

Shes2smart - you are right it is like a band aid and I keep peeling it off little by little and it hurts so I stop and then try again. I need to rip it off and experience the pain for the moment.

 

Relationship Coach - I liked your analogy of a bartender and the drink. You are right it does feel like that since I have told him how I felt. I have told him that if he were to date someone else I would be heartbroken. No the pain isn't worth it and I have experienced alot in the last year (not all because of him other things have happened)

 

I hope in time my feelings will subside and I will find happiness within myself. I also hope that in the near future I will be able to call him up and he answers and we talk and catch up like old friends. I will always hold him near and dear to my heart. He is a wonderful, funny, intelligent man. All I can hope for is that he is happy, finds what he is looking for in his life, and remembers me and our times with fondness. I know I will

[chai714]

Elektra,

 

I respectfully disagree with the other posters. First off, you sent him a gift. A common mistake is that we think that we can get someone to like us more by sending them a gift. In reality, we get others to likes us by getting THEM to do things for US. Hopefully, those songs weren't too romantic and that it was a band HE liked and not handpicked songs "subtly" telling him how you felt.

 

Another suggestion is to never tell anyone how you feel about them. This is probably the most selfish thing you can do, period. How does telling someone how YOU feel about them supposed to impact on how they feel about you? It really doesn't. Unfortunately, I've never heard any good news when I've heard of someone "confessing their feelings" to someone else. So, don't do it in the future. I think however that it is a good idea to get them to infer that you like them. For example, you might say something such as, "I like hanging out with you, it makes me feel good." This is much better than saying, "I have feelings for you . .I like you . . etc."

 

I agree with Relationship Coach that this guy is NOT a jerk. You told him how you felt, declared an end to the friendship, he withdrew and is now cautious. This is all completely normal - this doesn't make him a jerk at all.

 

Him acting independent is not rudeness. It's actually making him even more attractive to you - remember that we tend to go for those who are independent, somewhat aloof, but provide to us emotional fulfillment when we're with them.

 

I would take a break from contacting him for a while. Give him a breather for now. Reapproach later as a friend. Infiltrate, create a false sense of security with him, then execute your seduction in a subtle way - all without telling him how you feel. Good luck.

[annie24]

I agree with Chai, S2S, and RC, even though they are all saying different things.

 

Sounds like the guy you are talking about just doesn't want more than a friendship with you, and that's his choice. There's really nothing you can say or do at this point that will change his mind.

 

Chai is right from the perspective that talking to him about it more isn't really going to change his mind. If anything, it's pushing him away, as you can tell.

 

Best thing to do is to lay low for a few months, give him (and yourself!) some space. Get over him, move on, find a new dude. Maybe you and this guy can be friends again in the future, but probably not now.

 

Don't worry too much about this. This too, shall pass.