StephenP59 Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 Hi My girlfriend broke up with me at the new year which was pretty devastating (it started out as a break) anyways I went to NC which is starting to help but last week she rang up, i think because she was sick/bored anyways I didn't really have much to say I was polite and friendly which was SO hard and she told me how she was having lots of work to do and problems with her family etc. anyways the next day I asked her not to contact me for a while so I could move on because I was getting mixed signals she said that was fine and she was ringing to see how I was doing ( infact only at the very end of the conversation did she ask how work was going not how i was doing) so i said that she spent most of the conversation talking about her life and it was making me uncomfortable so she said I was selfish and that was that. I'm pretty sure I did the right thing cos at least now I can move on and continue healing without the epectation of a call whenever she feels like it. It was a horrible decision to make and the hardest one I have ever done but I hope it was the right one. Link to comment
DN Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 Yes, it was the right thing.You were not at all selfish but she was. I have no idea why people who break up with someone seem to feel they have the right to call their ex when they need something, like support, and the ex is supposed to provide it even if it hurts. It makes me wonder just how self-absorbed people like that are - it is either mostly or completely. Link to comment
notemalade Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 I agree that you should go no contact. About 2 months in my break-up, I sent a letter to my ex stating how I needed to know the reasons for the BU. ( She broke up by email). She called the same night, told me how she had a nervous breakdown, how her life was now better, that she was resolving issues etc... Basically she spoke all the time for about an hour. Never asked how I was. Very selfish. It gave me hope. She said that she might consider starting again real slow in the next few weeks. When I phoned 2 weeks later, she denied everything. I should of stuck with NC, I was devastated. Now it's been 5 months and I have'nt heard from her. So NC is the way to go. Good luck. Link to comment
NJRon Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 I can only totally agree with DN here... the gall of her to call *you* selfish like that. You definatley did the right thing. Link to comment
Bethany Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 They think 'Aww, poor him, I'll just go back and make his day and find out how he is. It's something I did at 15 but now as an adult I can see how stupid it was of me. You did the right thing. Link to comment
shebop Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 great advice/comment... I am dealing with a breakup and reading all of these posts definitley makes me feel not so alone. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 6 months ago (we started off as a break--but we both knew it was a breakup). We did it over the phone as I was away for 2 months. We are both 25 years olds and had disucssed the possibility of us breaking up at one point to see if this is what we really wanted. (we have been together for 3.5 years) so pretty much spent our whole univeristy together. He wanted to keep talking but wanted to be able to date other people. I called him back (after some thought) and told him that I don't think that woudl be a good idea...and that I am open to him doing his own thing and we could talk again at xmas. (which would be 5 months). I was going away anyway...it wasjob related--overseas. He agreed to this and told me he loves me ect. Although there was supposed to be no contact he emailed me a few times and still said they he loved me and hoped that he didn't make the biggest mistake of his life. I decided to email him back when he wrote and was nice and friendly...and told him a bit about what I was doing. One time he came on to msn and asked me a bunch of serious questions, like my opinon on marriage, if i wanted kids, what i see the purpsoe of marriage being ect. During the 5 months we both dated other people (and slept with 2 people). He was the first person I had ever been with so I thought that it was a good to do that. He slept with 4 people he told me. I was only going to be home at xmas for 2 weeks and then i had to back overseas until march. he was planning on going away overseas (to pursure his athletic career) starting in march. He told me that he doesn't think us starting on a long distance note is a good idea...and that 5 months isn't long enough and he needs some more time. He said that he see himself with me...and if we were to get back together he wants to go in strong...b/c once he committs that is it for him. He is a honest, thoughtful loving guy...and he has been honest with me and not cheated on me...but I was pretty upset by this and told him that he obviously doesn't really really love me and want to be with me if he would risk losing me like this. I told him that I need to move on. Although I said this we did spend some time together over the break as i thought there was no point leaving on bad terms. we had a great time together...(but nothing physical...i wouldn't allow it...) I have come back here and he has emailed me a few times and msned me still telling me that he loves me. I just wrote him an email yesterday and said that I need to officially cut communication as I dont'want to be one of the girls that says something and never sticks with it. I told him this is what I need to move on. Do you think this was the right thing to do? (to cut all ties with him?) Do you think we will ever have a chance to get back together? I am finding this so difficult to deal with....any advice or comments would be appreciated. Sorry this is soooo long thanks Link to comment
lovecrazy Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 It is the right thing to do! You need time to heal, and she isn't allowing that. She needs time as well to get her life together! Link to comment
hellokittykitty Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I am not sure if your doing the right thing. I would call her and ask her to get together for coffee and tell her straight out it's not to try and get back together it's just to talk. Meet each other at a place that has no special significance, like a coffee pub etc. When you are there with her, be open, honest and communicate in a non-accusing way how you feel. Ask her straight out how she feels and what she expects from you. Sometimes people break up with people because they think they need a change, when the make that change they see that their life really isn't any better ... sometimes it takes being away from someone to realize what you miss or don't miss. I believe in second chances if the person is really sincere and willing to discuss and accept the problems you may have had in the past that caused the breakup. Knowing the truth about how each other feels will end the confusion and help you both make a clear descision on what you want... both as together or not together. Give this a try... let us know what the outcome is. Link to comment
bighat Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 shebop - i noticed no one was replying to what you posted on the thread. read my post under breaking up and you will see that you and i are going through very similar things. i did the same thing - over thanksgiving, i saw my ex because he made a huge deal about seeing me. well, it's all in my post so i don't need to repeat if you go and read it. we have not verbally spoken now in almost exactly 2 months. he has sent random little texts and one line e-mails - other than that, nothing at all. when i asked him if this was the end of us, he says that he can't predict the future, that he loves me, but just is not comfortable with the variables that come with a long distance relationship. i still have not been able to get any closure on what is happening. i love him so much and i miss him every day. NC is the best way to go i guess because the last e-mail i sent him said that i had to let him go so he can do whatever it is he needs to do and so i can get on with things. ergh, it just really, really sucks. i feel like i have a heavy heart every single day. i know that i do not want to know what he is up to since he might be seeing someone and i would be devestated beyond what i am now. i just pray every day for myself, obviously, and for God to make him happy and show him his heart because i just do not understand his actions over the past months. Link to comment
mj2503 Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Wow I wish I had the strength to tell Dave that I dont want any contact with him at least until I can get a grip. It sounds to me like you already are on your way to life after her. Link to comment
shebop Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 thank you for your reply and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this as well... I would definitley keep with the NC, I would even get him to stop emailing and texting you (bc it is not fair for you). I really think if a guy wants to be with you then he will come to you or he will ask you to come to him. I know that probably sounds cliche... there is a quote i read..i can't remember it exactly but it said "you must let your love go and if they do not return you never had them to begin with" I think breaking up is very painful, but I couldnt think of anything more painful then being with someone who doesn't have the utmost respect for me and feel excited each day that they are with me. Good luck... Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 "I think breaking up is very painful, but I couldnt think of anything more painful then being with someone who doesn't have the utmost respect for me and feel excited each day that they are with me." Shebop, that is probably the smartest thing I have ever read on these forums and I wish anyone who was going through a breakup or a tough time in their relationship would print those words on a piece of paper and read them every day! Link to comment
LuvstuffNStuff Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Yes you did do the right thing, so what if you were being selfish, I am thinking she was being selfish not taking how you might be feeling, into consideration.....Apparently she is not looking out for whats best for you, so that means you have too look out for who is number one, and that you......hmmm advice I think I need to follow myself (scratching my head) Link to comment
StephenP59 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 Thanks for all your replies I know deep down I did the right thing.... Hellokitty I understand what you are saying but the more I push for any kind of closure or understanding the more indifferent or agitated she becomes I feel so rejected whenever I talk to her its destroying my confidence I wish more than anything in the world to get back with her but I'm not strong enough to have a talk yet. I see that happening in a few months by which time she'd have probably forgotten about me it sucks so much. Link to comment
hellokittykitty Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 I understand what you are saying. If she takes the opportunity to call you, then tell her at that time, hopefully that will work! Link to comment
shebop Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 "I think breaking up is very painful, but I couldnt think of anything more painful then being with someone who doesn't have the utmost respect for me and feel excited each day that they are with me." Shebop, that is probably the smartest thing I have ever read on these forums and I wish anyone who was going through a breakup or a tough time in their relationship would print those words on a piece of paper and read them every day! thanks for that comment.....Although I know it easier to say these things...i have just gone through a break up...and these are some of the words i wrote to my ex. on my last email to him...before I started with NC. I really believe what i wrote. He wanted to keep talking..I have told him that I need to move on...it is for me. i didn't know breaking up could so tough.... it is great to read comments in this forum...definitley makes me feel less alone... Link to comment
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