Who benefits the most? Dumper or dumpee?

[photomo]

(Edit: annie24 brought to my attention that this obviously does not apply to all relationships, eg. relationships that ended due to violence etc. I generalise on breakups where there are no concrete reasons to end a relationship other than the dumper falling out of love, or wanting to see whether the grass is greener on the other side).

 

 

 

As a dumpee, it makes me feel a bit better to think that the dumpee benefits the most during a breakup (as biased as it may be).....You see, during a breakup it is the dumpee who realises of the mistakes, learns how to correct them, and ultimately becomes a better and stronger person with more confidence.....The dumpee cannot really make anymore mistakes as the relationship is over.

 

The dumper, on the otherhand, is the one who ended the relationship....the dumper is the one who wanted an escape route, and is rarely the one who suffers. What has the dumper learnt? Well, obviously the dumper has learnt that things weren't quite right in the relationship, but then that was known before the breakup happened. The dumper learns to be selfish, and thinks only of her/his needs. The dumper does not experience the same learning curve and self-improvement process that the dumpee goes through.......and maybe one day, the dumper will realise that she/he made a mistake when she/he can't find anyone better than the dumpee, and realises what she/he has lost.......by which time the dumpee would be a better person, looking for someone better than the dumper.

 

I know I've generalised hugely in this short thought, but it would be really interesting to see whether any of you believe in the same, or believe in something different.

[annie24]

I definitely believe something different. I really think it depends on the situation. I've seen situations where say, the guy is really mistreating the girl, but she cares about him, but because he's so abusive to her (emotionally, physically), she breaks up with him.

 

It isn't always about the dumper "throwing away" the relationship or whatever.

[photomo]

I definitely believe something different. I really think it depends on the situation. I've seen situations where say, the guy is really mistreating the girl, but she cares about him, but because he's so abusive to her (emotionally, physically), she breaks up with him.

 

It isn't always about the dumper "throwing away" the relationship or whatever.

 

Yes, I agree...obviously my theory doesn't apply in such relationships....I was trying to generalise on the "I've just fallen out of love with you" and "we were young, and things have changed" types of breakups. (I'll add this to my first post).

[ShySoul]

Every relationship is different. In some cases the dumper will learn more, in some cases it is the dumpee. It all depends on the situation and what each person takes out of it. If the person, regardless of which side they are on, decides to just blame the other person and not actually look at what happened and how things could have gone better, they will not learn anything from it and are likely to repeat the same pattern in future relationships.

 

I feel that if you are in a situation where someone is being "dumped" period, then any lesson is hard to come by. What you should strive for is an amicable breakup, in which both parties mutually agree that it isn't working out. You discuss why and walk away from things on good terms. Even if one person doesn't want to see it, you still walk away from things not have "dumped" the person, but having tried to have a reasonable breakup.

[kellbell]

Hey there!

 

I am so sorry about your breakup and it is understandable how you are feeling. As someone whom as has been on both sides of the fence, I have to somewhat disagree with you points.

 

 

"the dumper is the one who wanted an escape route, and is rarely the one who suffers."

 

I really resent that you wrote that. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and believe me, there is no easy escape route. I just ended a 4 year relationship last month because I was MISERABLE! I did everything for this man, I mean you name it I did it. But he was just not there for me, he could have cared less about me or have taken any responsibility for the relationship. I had enough and I was thinking why am I wasting my time being unhappy and miserable whereas I could be with someone whom truly loves me and has time for me. After I did break up with him...I was a emotional wreck. I constantly second guessed my decision, even though I was miserable with him, I missed him terribly. My body felt alwful from the stress and pain, I have never felt so physically bad in my whole life.

 

 

"The dumper learns to be selfish, and thinks only of her/his needs. The dumper does not experience the same learning curve and self-improvement process that the dumpee goes through.......and maybe one day, the dumper will realise that she/he made a mistake when she/he can't find anyone better than the dumpee, and realises what she/he has lost.......by which time the dumpee would be a better person, looking for someone better than the dumper."

 

Again, I resent everything you wrote here. I know I did NOT make a mistake, yes I AM looking out for my own needs. Needs to be happy and be with someone whom truly loves ME and wants to be with ME! Don't you think as a "dumper" I deserve that? I am a better person because I finally stood up for my needs and wants. It took everything I had to end that relationship. I truly hope my ex finds someone that will make him happy as I want the same for me. My ex is a good person, he just was not good for ME. Don't you think I deserve to be with someone that is good for me or better yet, just string my ex along like nothing is wrong and I am can be miserable for the rest of my life.

 

The point is...your statements are very inaccuarate, and sometimes dumpers are selfish and don't care. But in most cases, the dumpers have been hurting for quite some time before the break-up occurred. And in some cases, the dumpee makes it very difficult for the dumper to stick by his or her decision by begging, calling, emailing, texting, etc. So break-ups work on a case by case basis and cannot be pigion-holded. Again, I know you are hurting and I am truly happy you have learned some things and have come out to be a stronger person for it...just know that dumpers are not the scum of the earth, whom have no feelings, nor can't feel pain too.

[Jut]

I agree with Kellbell. If somebody is not treating you the way you deserve its more wrong to be in the relationship. How can you label every dumper selfish? Noone should hurt themselves for pleasing others. For example in this case Kel tried for all the while-and generally women give us all the signals, we men just ignore them, although this too is a generalization--

but there is a point wherein you dont see any results and have to move on.

Learning depends upon yourself, whether the dumper or the dumpee, not who did it.

[dreamweaverdude]

I have to admit i agree with Kellbell. I just ended a 21 year marriage last year because candidly i was too nice to realize that my wife of 21 years had been married to me for mainly my paycheck and security. I'm not sure she ever did love me, but i took my vows very seriously and tried to make the best of what i had. She would and does think otherwise, but the point is every case IS different and i think its an area of discussion that doesn't allow for generalizations. I wanted out, i admit it, but i felt like i was being cheated out of a real relationship that i truly desire.

 

Honestly, being a dumper or dumpee.... sucks either way. I dont think anyone has the advantage. everyone hurts when a relationship ends.

[photomo]

I've just read over what I originally wrote, and have to say I agree with everyone else! I only put the theory forward for a discussion, and don't necessarily agree with it. I apologise if I insulted or hurt any dumpers out there (or dumpees). I know it was a huge generalisation to make, and of course every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. So once again, I apologise if you got offended by it.

 

I know my ex has suffered, although I've never known how much because she didn't show any emotions, whereas I was in tears. She also appeared to get on with her life almost immediately, and kept herself busy by having fun. This is something I disliked as she appeared to be a complete stranger to me - I was a wreck, and she appeared to be having the time of her life, enjoying her independence. I always questioned myself how she could be so heartless towards my feelings.

 

I miss her very dearly, and by coming up with these thoughts, (such as my first post), it can help me to be optimistic and look for the good things in a bad situation. I know she probably misses me, and hope she does, but then I don't really know for sure as we haven't been talking for a long time....

 

Thanks for all your comments....it was interesting to read them, and has helped me to understand how the dumper also suffers.

[annie24]

Well, like KellBell, I had a relationship once where I was the dumper because my boyfriend was totally ignoring on me, and (I think!) canoodling with another girl. That's why I broke up with him.

 

Another guy, I broke up with because the guy was secretly in love with his female best friend (he finally confessed that to me - that I was a "good for now girlfriend.")

 

I should have learned not to date jerks at that point, but I didn't...

[ShySoul]

photomo,

 

It's understandable to think like you wrote in the original post. When you are hurting and confused, there are times when you need to vent the frustrations and it feels good to blame the other person or feel that she is the one missing out well you are learning from it. It's natural, part of the process of "getting over" someone. Important thing is to realize it isn't fair to generalize and once you saw that, you set things straight. You've got a good attitude and things will get better for you in time.

 

I know how you feel, seeing the person you love and are a mess over go out with someone else so quickly and seem to be having fun. It's like, how much did you really love me if you can just forget me so fast? But maybe she hasn't? Maybe she is only appearing to be having fun, going out with other people to mask the pain she feels on the inside? Some people deal with things by wrapping themselves up in, like us crying and trying to figure out what happened. Other people deal by trying to forget their feelings and covering it up. If she spends her nights alone, she'll end up thinking about it. If she is out with other people, it is easy to distract herself.

 

Do you think you would be able to handle talking to her again? Or does it seem to much for you right now? I think that eventually when two people break up, they should be able to reach a point where they can talk and be civil, if not friends, with each other again. If you can hit that point, the pain lessens considerably. (Of course, abusive situations are the exception. Don't want to be staying friends with someone who will treat you like that.)

[photomo]

Do you think you would be able to handle talking to her again? Or does it seem to much for you right now? I think that eventually when two people break up, they should be able to reach a point where they can talk and be civil, if not friends, with each other again. If you can hit that point, the pain lessens considerably.

 

For the near future, I am staying in NC so that I can get over her, and so that she can see what life is like without me. Once I can happily accept that it is over, and once I have found happiness again, then of course I will want to be her friend. We have shared so much over the past 6 years, and you can't just shut someone out like that.

 

If she doesn't call me before, then I think the next time we will probably see each other will be in May, when we both have to go to a wedding - (she's a friend of the bride; I'm a friend of the groom). I'm hoping that NC up until that point will make me strong enough to face seeing her just for that day.

[friscodj]

Some (many) times the "dumpee" has already put distance (and/or shut down) between themselves and the other person for whatever reason, maybe abuse, neglect, etc. before they get dumped. So maybe sometimes the "dumpee" is really the "dumper".

 

It's complicated. There's no cut-and-dry answer to this one I think...

[Pikey1972]

Yes, I'd second that - I recently "dumped" my ex as a friend: I was no longer able to sustain a friendship with him as I realised I still have strong feelings for him. I said my final goodbyes to him last Sunday, but had been "mentally prepared" for this for around 2 to 3 weeks.

 

I felt terrible for pulling the plug on him, as I like him very much and had originally agreed we could be friends. However, as time went on I realised I found it increasingly difficult to be "just friends" (just the sheer thought of him meeting a new girl in the future sent shivers down my spine).

 

So in effect the tables turned on Sunday - he dumped me as his girlfriend, and now I've dumped him as my friend.

 

You know, it's an awful word, "dumped" - I wish there was a better, less brutal term to use!

[Pikey1972]

Sorry friscodj, I may have misinterpreted your message there! Have only just spotted this thread...

[novaseeker]

I don't think you can generalise so easily.

 

The dumper often is simply the one who saw the problems earlier. It's not always a case of selfishness ... it can be a situation where the dumper simply sees first that things are not going to work out for x,y,z reason, and takes control of the situation by initiating the unwinding of the relationship.

 

Sure, there are selfish dumpers, but there are also selfish dumpees. As for learning from the relationship, each party can learn. The dumper can learn to pick a different kind of person for a new relationship, can learn to spot earlier the kinds of things that undid this relationship and avoid or address them in new relationships.

 

So I just think it's hard to generalise.

[moondog627]

I understand where the original poster is coming from and can relate to a lot of what was said. Having said that, I agree with everyone else. All relationships are very complicated and can be hard to generalize. From personal experience, I always treated the person I loved as best as possible and was always the one taken for granted. As the dumpee, I did learn more than my ex's and ALL of them are very messed up today. And I'm not happy about that either. It's quite sad. And it may or may not have anything to do with them learning from past experiences. Who knows. I hold no resentment to any of my ex's as I know they were only doing what they felt was in their best interest. I also know that some day I will most likely be in the dumper's seat and it probably won't be much fun either.

[ShySoul]

If you think that is best for you photomo, then you should do it. Just been my experience that NC and no communication hurts more then it helps. Only in the actual talking it over does things get better.

 

But do what you think you need to do. And if you ever want to just talk or get out how you are feeling, you can talk to me. I was hurt bad, like you wouldn't believe, recently. So I'm sympathetic to what you must be going through.