SC_123 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Hi, I really need help, I am crackin up and really need some advice. Im nearly 20yrz old and have been married for 1and 1/2yrz. During this time weve had lots of rows, ive left him for a month and went to see my family in england. I live in Cyprus now.We got back together 3months ago. The thing is that my husband is a phsyco. He miss understands everything that i say and any problems we have he goes and tells his mother.He told his mum that i dont clean the house and make pizza everyday and that i dont like his mum.(ITS ALL A LIE)I have also been on stress tablets since being married. When i left him a few months ago, it was because he hit me over and over again badly on my face, just because i didnt want sex coz i was having heart problems. He even tried to rape me.He also kicked me out of the house because the dinner i made was too spicy!!! (he actually likes spicy food). My aunty lives opposite me and my husband is her brother in law. They used to get on great before we got married. he now hates her and isnt talkin to any of my family or his own brother (my aunts husband). he says that they are jealous, when there is nothing to be jealous about.He thought that the spicy food i made, that me and my aunty planned to make him 'extra' spicy food so he can burn his mouth. None of this is true.he never believes what i say so thats why he through me out the house. I have never giv him a reason to shout at me. I cook and clean every mornin. I dont go out, just once every 2weeks to do food shoppin.I have sacrificed my whole life for him. I left my mum,dad and brothers in Enlgand to marry him. I used to go out shoppin everyday in england. I was free. Now that i live in cyprus in a village, my husband doesnt let me go out. His jealousy is very bad. Neway.....i got back from england on October 19, forgive him. He was great for 3months. But his temper started again the other day. He is a builder so he is coming and going all the time.One day he said to me hes gonna come in the afternoon for me to fix him something to eat. He usually comes at 1/2pm and sometimes doesnt or says hes already ate. Neway that day i seen him near my house so i thought id go to the shop 2mins away with the car (i ran to the car)and get him some bread so he can have with his soup. My auntys kids were coming out of school just that time,the school is opposite the shop, so i got the kids and come home, all in 10minutes. When i got home he was soooo angry. He said that i ran to the car so he cant stop me, he misunderstood again. I ran to the car so i can comeback quick so he can eat. He started geting things and throwing it round the house, he was threatening that he gonna hit me again. I tried to tell him the truth but he didnt believe me. We were arguing over something really little and stupid. I couldnt believe the way he was reacting. That night we made up. Straight after sex he starts being sarcastic again. He is sex mad, so i figurd that he used me for sex.Yesterday we were talkin but cold to each other. He started to talk really bad to me, when i just asked a normal question. We ended up arguing again. Blaming me for all sorts of stuff that ist true at all. If i ever do anything wrong i admit it. He will NEVER. He jus kept telin me all these lies. Talking dead bad and very DIRTY about all my family.He was actually bullyin me, pushing his fist against my face. And then he said that he doesnt want me and was gonna ring my dad and say that i dont listen to him. He wanted a divorce. I didnt giv him my dads number so he went to go in his van. I went after him and broke down in tears. Im telling him let me know what ive done, I havent done anything.ANYTHING WRONG.I asked him why hes makin up all these lies and why he hates my family so much. He imagines things and believes them. He can be the best guy ever sometimes, then turn out to be the worst. He really does love me and would never cheat on me. It is as if his jealousy is takin over his love. He wants me to not mix with my aunty or anyone, and sit at home allday long,while hes at work. Im 20.How can i. I want a life.I cant even watch tv because its turkish and i dont understand it. Ive given up sooo much for him. He doesnt understand.I show him closeness. he never takes me out. He comes home from work at 5 and goes bed at 7. I have to go bed at that time too. All he thinks about is work and sex. We are also trying for a baby. Maybe it will change him. I dont think it will tho. This isnt a life for a 20yr old. HELP ME PLEASE,WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS.!!! what would you do??? he is like jackll and hyde. I dont want to leave him because il hav2 go back to my dads house and we dont get on well. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 You need to leave. He is abusive and A baby will NOT change things. It will make things more stressful on you. Link to comment
the yang to the worlds yin Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 i highly suggest you start searching for an apartment of yur own and leave him the first chance you get. he sounds abusive and degrading towards you, and no woman should have to deal with that Link to comment
Itsok Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Do not, I repeat...DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. He is clearly abusive, and I can promise you that having a child will not alter anything about him. In fact, all you are doing is bringing a child into a very dangerous situation. Read this article. then go to articles, and read "Identifying losers in relationships." Read it carefully and start planning your escape very quietly. You need to get out of this before you are killed. He will never change. No matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say, be or don't be, he will always be abusive to you and do the 'mean sweet' cycle over and over. He wants you to sit at home because he wants to cut off your support system so you feel as though you do right now...that there is no way to escape. I assure you there is. PM me and we'll chat. 1 Link to comment
SC_123 Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 Thankyou all of you. But i cant afford an appartment, that is what i would love to do. Im saving now so that is my plan one day.(if he doesnt change). Like i said i cant go back to england. Me and my dad never get on. Im Turkish, but have been brought up with all english people, so im kinda english. But my dad and husband are like really strict turks. They dont believe in people living alone unless they are married.they are back headed Link to comment
Itsok Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Would your father rather you be beaten than live on your own? Does he know what is going on? I'm quite sure he doesn't or else your husband wouldn't be standing. Stop thinking he will change, stop telling yourself that things will be different if only _____. I guarantee that will not happen. Abusive individuals don't change, because for one, what is the benefit of changing for them? He is still getting everything he wants, he has his way all of the time, and he still has you and the sex he wants. Why would he change? In his mind you are the one being difficult, and his behavior is justified. Secondly, for the most part, abusive people grew up in that sort of environment so to them, they are normal and you are the one with the problem. Don't let him drag you down to the lowest. You are 20 years old, and there is no reason to stay in this relationship for the rest of your life. It's time to start telling your aunt and your dad what is really going on, for your safety especially, and also because it's time to get out of this. Don't waste your life with someone who doesn't love you, only controls you. Link to comment
Dako Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 If you give this monster a child, you'll have to defend your child from him. You really must get out even if it seems impossible right now. The longer you stay the more power he'll get. If you returned to England, you could certainly find a support group to help you. Maybe some members in the UK could chime in on this? Link to comment
metro_girl Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Sometimes the cycle of violence gets worse when the woman becomes pregnant. That can be a very dangerous time for you. You should reconsider having a baby with him. You'll be tied to him and won't be able to leave. Link to comment
SC_123 Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 You are all very right. Thanks alot. I dont think il have a baby yet because if i did i wouldnt be able to go back to england with a baby.Theres a law in cyprus where the babys father has to giv permission to his child to leave the country. My dad knows most of the things and has actually threatend my husband. My husband jus cum home and left, he didnt go bed early coz he dint work 2day. Hes trying to creep to me now. I want to scream but i have to jus put a fake smile on. Im jus goin to try and see how things work out. At least i can say ive tried. If it dusnt then il have to go back to my dads or jus put my self first for once and save and rent a app or sumfin.... Il let yas know. It means alot to u all, coz theres no1 to talk to. Also my aunt knows everything. Before i went england her husband well shouted and threatend his brother (my husband) that hes gonna break his bones if he tuches me again. At Least i hav my husbands family and my family on my side. ((( sooorrrryyyy 4 goin on and on...) Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 he sounds like a really big A**hole and you need to leave him immediately, no girl should have to go through what he's putting you through. You're young and should be able to live life and have fun insteaad of being trapped in a cage. Link to comment
SC_123 Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 thx music guy. Im gona make a plan and think things thru. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 SC 123- This guy is absolute scum! If you get pregnant, you'll be even more trapped with an emotional and physical abuser. I'll pray for you. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 The others are right- honey- no man who loved and respected you would treat you this way. You are NOT property, you are a thinking feeling human being and you know that something is wrong or you would not have posted here. Are there resources in your area that you can look into for help? Such as a battered women's shelter where you can stay until you get on your feet? any friends or family members you could go to? It is not acceptable that he hits you and doesn't let you out of the house. He treats you like a dog. (and I wouldn't even treat my dog this way.) If you get pregnant, it will only get worse. It will not change things- he will be more controlling, you will be more trapped, and as others said-- it is proven that domestic violence increases when the women is pregnant. Please, honey, for yourself- look into some options and get out while you still can. Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Do you have, or have a claim to, British citizenship? Do you have a British passport? Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Departs Sun, Jan 22 9:00pm Paphos, Cyprus on British Airways #6843 Arrives 11:45pm London Gatwick. $239 Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Departs Sun, Jan 22 9:00pm Paphos, Cyprus on British Airways #6843 Arrives 11:45pm London Gatwick. $239 Useful information if she has the status to be able to live in the UK as a citizen or immigrant - that is why I asked about it. If in doubt questions can be asked here at the British High Commission: where she may also be able to get information about British citizens in distress and any aid that may be available to get out of Cyprus and when she arrives back in England. Link to comment
babe23 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 you should leave him now.you may not see it but you are in a very dangerous situation.my sister was killed by her common law husband in a domestic fight.these type of people have no respect for others.our family only wishes we could have been there to help my sister.your family to will wish if you don't get out now. stay strong Link to comment
annieo Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 SC 123 you are the same age as my daughter and it breaks my heart to read what you are going through. No man should EVER hit you. Never ever. It will only get worse as time goes on. Are their resources where you are? A battered womens shelter? Some place that helps abused women? You need to find one right away and get away from him. You can't try to make things work. It isn't your marriage or relationship that is broken it is him. He is not a good person. It can be hard to be strong and do what is best for you when you are so young but you need to stand up and take control of your life. DO NOT have a child with this man. The number one cause of death of pregnant women is murder by an abusive husband. You can have a wonderful future. Take the first step in making that happen by finding someone where you are who can help you and keep you safe. You are worth being loved and cared for with respect! Link to comment
SC_123 Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 Thankyou all of you so much. Me and my husband made up this morning. Im still angry with him because he come home drunk last night and forced me to have sex with him. I didnt say no, because i dont want what happened happening again. There isnt any shelters here, i dont know my way round. But i have my aunt behind my back, and im gonna have to go to my dads. I do have a british passport. Im stayin strong, im just gonna make a plan and save money. xx Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Hey Girl, Glad to see that you came back, and are OK for the moment. As for planning to leave, there really isn't a good way to do this if your husband is assaulting and raping you like this. Meaning, get your aunt to pay for a plane ticket if possible, take only what you can carry in two carry on bags, and get out while you still can. This isn't going to change, no matter how many times he says he is sorry and begs forgiveness and tries to be nice to you. Trust me, I've been where you are and I nearly lost my life before I figured that out- I'm trying to save you the time and agony. Can you ask your aunt for a plane ticket fare? Does she know what's going on? I think it's time you tell her. Link to comment
Itsok Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Completely agree with Hope. Tell your aunt and ask if she would help you get out. Then do it, very very secretly. Things will never change hun, he will always be that way no matter what. Don't stick around waiting for a miracle. Link to comment
SC_123 Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 My aunt knows everything. She will do anyfin 4me. Its jus that i end up feelin guilty. So am gona giv him ONE last chance.Im strong inside so i aint scared of him.Im gona leave him 1day if he does one more mistake coz if we break up,my whole family gets stresed out2. I actually love cyprus coz all my family is here exept 4my mum,dad,broz. But i got lot of family here. Im gona leave him and just get help from ma family if he duz it again. thx Link to comment
Itsok Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Make sure you keep your promise to yourself sweetheart. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with you, and no reason for his behavior. You are completely right in wanting to leave, and have no reason to feel guilty. You are only responsible for one human being on Earth: Yourself. And if you don't get her out of there, no one will. You can do it I'm sorry to say it will happen again, and quite soon I think by the way things are going. Then you have to get out of there in a hurry, and in secret. Only let the people you will be staying with know...I assume your aunt. Link to comment
SC_123 Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 I would be, Im jus gona start lukin 4a place 2live over the net. And put myself first for once Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Agree with Itsok. While I would not be giving him another chance, because I've been in your shoes and one more chance equals one more beating, or one more time controlling you or breaking you down, I just hope and pray that you stick to it and leave when it happens again. (notice I say when because I will bet my life that it will). Please, please, for your safety and sanity, don't wait around for him to do it again. People like this don't change. Link to comment
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