Humiliated.

[nataliejulie]

Since the New Year passed by, my ex and I have remained in contact almost every day. We've seen each other a few times, even if there wasn't any sex. Everything seemed to be going well except the fact he gets into these mood swings while we are together that are very cold. (Even the other night, he held my hand and apologized for his behavior, thanked me for coming over and we both went our separate ways... when it was very obvious I was bothered by his behavior.)

 

We tried making plans after that. Tuesday, he ended up having plans he forgot about (which he does), said something about going out on Wednesday. I sent him a text, which I thought didn't go through in the morning (it said "re-send?") so I called him (once). He freaked out, yelled "why do you keep calling me?! I'm busy!! I'll call you later!"

 

Later did come, he never called back. I called later that day, when it was getting late, to see if we were still on. Very coldly, he told me he was going out with his friends and said he doesn't remember making plans with me. Then hangs up on me.

I called back, I asked him, why would you string me along all day? Can't you just call to tell me that? You wouldn't do that to a friend, would you?

He got mad again, flipped out.. the conversation basically went like this

"You are not my friend."

"Than what am I?"

"I don't know what you are. But I'm sick of you hassling me all the time. ALL the time. You are PSYCHO. You are seriously, psycho, you are crazy. I'm embarrassed of you. I don't ever want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't want anything to do with you ever again. You expect TOO MUCH out of me, ALL the time."

"All I expect from you is respect, that's it."

"Who cares? Who cares if I give you respect??"

"Then why would you hang out with me? Why would you make plans with me? Why call me? Why spend time with me?"

"I don't, you just... show up at my house." (ie - he called me 5 times the other day to hang out, he lives an hour away, I don't just "show" up)

.. then he continues, saying, "I treat you like a d*ck to hurt you and you always come back like nothing ever happened. Don't ever talk to me again."

 

He hangs up. I'm in shock. I'm still in shock. I couldn't believe he actually said he purposely treats me badly to hurt me, to push me away. That was absolutely the most awful thing that's ever been said to me. I'm not hurting over him right now, I'm hurting that I just wasted 5 months of my life on someone who has the heart to do that to another human being. I'm totally humiliated. I can't even believe he has the right to call ME psycho. He makes things up in his head, like how I just "show up" at his house. Or how I call him 15 times a day, when, he asked me to call him back last weekend and instead I blew him off the whole weekend. I can honestly say I've never in my life ever did anything to him to deserve that kind of treatment.

[RayKay]

I went through the exact same thing with my ex (okay, he was a bit less harsh, but the message was there). About the same timeframe too....5 months after the breakup, he confronted me with the news he could not chat anymore that night (he dropped some stuff off) as he had a date...at 11:00 on a Friday night. Which is well, not a date...that's a booty call!

 

We had an argument and he later confessed he did it to hurt me, to see what I would do. To see if I was really over him, or thinking he was a quasi-boyfriend.

 

And, I admit, it was the best thing he could of done in the end. That night I cried again...a lot. And the next day I woke up and said "that's it, I am done". That was my turning point. I was emotionally exhausted, fed up I had spent the last few months being patient, selling myself short to please him, not pressuring him, and he stomped on me to satisfy his own ego. I made a decision I would not put myself through it anymore. That he did not deserve ME. And I from that point, felt a weight had been lifted. I was ME again. I moved forward, healed, and met someone else whom is the one for me. That my ex could never be and never was to me. I met my match.

 

It hurt, in a huge way. Because he too seemed to see it all differently. But in the process...I was set free, I was released. And you are too. Make a choice now to remove this toxicity in your life. To stop looking towards the past, and look towards the future without him...because it is much better then what has been going on.

 

The universe does not do the moving on for us, we do it for ourselves, and when we are ready, it does reward us.

[ocrob]

Ok, what he said to you and did to you was unacceptable. You need to completely go NC. Even if he apologizes, you need to make him work to get back in your life. This sounds like the type of guy that will be a jerk and then apologize, but keep doing it again and again. He gave you a great reason for NC and now it is time to do it. He said he wants you out of his life. Well, give him what he asked for. I have never treated a woman like that and hopefully never will!

[kellbell]

Hi there NJ!

 

I'm so sorry things happened that way for you. Big hugs. But now you have your answers of why he is being this way. And I have been following your posts for quite some time and I hate to say it, he has a point. He treats you dirt, your forgive him, make excuses for him...and carry on like nothing happened. He does not respect you. Believe me, I have been through something very similar. Eventually, I had to face the facts that I LET my ex treat me like dirt...I could have stopped it but I didn't. I carried on, made excuses, and continued to get hurt. I was his doormat, no one respects a pushover.

 

I really hope that this situation is rock bottom for you now. I mean honestly, this guy is no good for you. I saw your picture and you are beautiful young lady, your posts are full of compassion and are very caring. Don't waste all that on some guy who uses you and does not care.

 

So I would stick to NC for GOOD with this guy. Delete his number from your cell phone, email address, block his IM address if he has one. Again, I am sorry you are hurting...I know how you feel. Hang in there. Big hugs and take care.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Hi,

 

Well this guy is not someone you want to be with.. As the others said, do NC..

[Lady Bugg]

Natalie,

 

I am going to be the "lecturer" of these responses.....and I hope you don't hate me for it...Truthfully, given your ex'es past history, WHAT did you expect?? This has been going on for months. Nothings changed, except the occasional dialogue.

 

I have to say...reading your posts are VERY frustrating, because you can only give the SAME advice to someone, so many times. Would you let someone beat you over the head with a hammer then keep going back for it? NO...then why do you do this??

 

That said.....I will say I KNOW you think things will change, because deep down you think he is a 'nice" person. He is what he IS....You NEED to see him as he is ..NOT what he could be. He's not some project you can fix. Let it go.

 

Look within yourself.....are you REALLY not doing things to agrravate the situation?? If you are, then STOP doing it.

 

The book "Women Who Love Too Much'' is excellent....if you have not read it...read it. You might see more of yourself in there than you might think.

 

I just hope I see less and less posts by you about this creep.....

Do what's right for YOU and only YOU.

[RayKay]

Agreed to with Lady Bugg. This is not the first time he has been cruel, by any means, and it was no surprise to most of us whom have been following your posts that it happened again.

 

You need to realize he does not deserve your forgiveness anymore, he is not going to change. This is him. Do not stay because of whom you "believe" they may be, but for whom they are. And this guy is not worth staying around for whom he "is".

 

He does have a point, he does treat you like dirt and you keep going back. Time to respect YOURSELF, whom cares what he thinks anymore.

[Pikey1972]

nataliejulie, go NC. You really deserve so much better.

[PrincessLinzay]

Yup, time to move on.

 

This man (boy) obviously has no respect for you and has made that blatantly clear. You can't even rationalize someone saying things like that.

 

Absolutely do not call him again, and if he calls you, do not answer. There is no magical pill that will make him change, he has in fact made it clear he is not going to.

 

Respect yourself enough to realize that he only uses you when he has nothing better to do, and is probably talking to you like that when he's around other people so he can seem cool having you trail after him like a puppy dog.

 

I know it's hard when you haven't done anything to warrant this type of behavior, but he can only treat you this way if you allow him to. Cut him out of your life and find someone who is worth your time.

[Ms Omaniac]

anyone who goes what you just went through...i actually see the silver lining.

he is NOT stringing you along. he is telling you in the absolute worst, cruelest, meanest way possible to move on.

and frankly he is doing you a HUGE favor. he doesnt give you hope. you arent there pining on what could have been. youre not putting him on this high pedestal. you dont think fondly of him.

he is speeding up the process for you. see it as that. he just did you a huge favor. he is helping you get over him faster.

i wish my ex would have done that to me instead of stringing me along for a year and half.

[annie24]

Yup yup yup. I strongly second this. Think of it this way: Now you have the closure to move on from this man.

[lunatic]

Hey I too have been following your situation for a while now. You do not deserve to be treated like this and it is time to move on. Now I am not going to "lecture" you on this as we all have to learn things sometimes the hard way.

 

I too am sorry that you are going thru this and I agree with Kellbell that your a beautiful woman who would not have a problem finding a man. Now finding a man that will love you for you that is another story since there are so many players/serial daters out there. Don't change who you are if your happy with yourself because some shallow guy talked to you that way. He seems to be very immature and not worth your time.

 

My suggestion to you is to start NC ASAP!!! Then start going out with your friends and family. Take time to do some soul searching and figure out why you would stay in an abusive situation like you did for so long. I am so sorry to hear he said so many things that are humiliating to you. I think it is time for you to grant his wish to "get out of his life". Honey you seem like a wonderful lady who deserves to be treated with respect and be loved for whom you are. Everyone is special in their own ways and not all people are meant to be together. Don't take what he said to you as truth because it seems like he said those things to purposely hurt you.

 

Listen anytime you need to talk PM me. I can honestly see how this could severely affect you as a person. I want you to look at it this way that HE does not deserve YOU! PERIOD!!!!

 

Good luck and keep your chin up because you are the better person here and never forget that.

 

Hub

[curlygirl47]

I haven't read your earlier posts, so I don't have a clue other than what you wrote today, but it sounds to me like your ex is on drugs. Seriously. I had a lover for three years who became increasingly unpredictable, had wild mood swings, etc. --- and it turned out he was hooked on crystal meth and had managed to hide it from loved ones for quite a while.

 

If it's not drugs, then he's just plain mean or disturbed; either way, honey, you've got to bail out. I'm so sorry for you pain. I've been there, and I'm there again right now --- but we are going to make it through this.

 

Another thing: Try to forgive him. This doesn't mean that you want him back or even would take him back. Forgiveness keeps you whole and grounded and on high ground. Just try to realize that only a person whose soul is damaged could be so cruel to other people.

[Bethany]

I'm not sure about the drug thing but I agree with everyone. It's time to let him go. Some people just don't belong together and things can go on and on, getting more and more out of hand, which seems to be happening here. Be strong, end it now and do NOT contact him again.

[nataliejulie]

Thank you SO much for the responses. I did not expect so many !

 

However, there's one point here to say -- he did string me along. He's told me, he's told my friends, that he's still in love with me, that he misses me. He's told me time and time again how he wishes this could work out, all the things *I* (it was never a "we") could have done different, etc. We have kissed, cuddled, and even slept together. And ironically, at times he will still call me his girlfriend. He would tell me everything from -- "I want this" to "I don't know" all the way down to "never speak to me again".

 

 

I do agree with all of you. In a sense, I believe that I kept going back because I've actually had it set in my head (because of him) that I deserved crap and he deserved everything I could give him. That's why I went back, every_single_time.

 

I am just SO ANGRY that he believes all this bull he's feeding himself! Everyone has read what I've done in the past 5 months (I've done absolutely nothing wrong!) and I'm STILL the bad guy?!

 

No more. NC starting last night. I've totally humiliated myself and made myself look like lower than pond scum.

[Relationship Coach]

NJ,

He does things like this because he can, you need to put him in his place and go 100% NC. Never give him an opportunity again to hurt you with his actions or his words. There is no excuse for his behavior and it makes me wonder if he was doing it for show, like he was with someone. Can you distinguish how he talks to you one on one versus when you know he is with someone? Either way, it's not important I was just reading over the words and it seemed as if he was trying to deny that he has been initiating contact. Were his harsh words really meant for you to hear or someone else? Just a thought.

 

RC

[lunatic]

No more. NC starting last night. I've totally humiliated myself and made myself look like lower than pond scum.

 

 

 

Whoa!!!! Hold the horses there girlie!! lol

 

Your not pond scum because you loved someone who took advantage of you. Please don't put yourself into the same catagory as your ex. He is the pond scum and he does not deserve to be with a woman like yourself. You have to look at this in a positive manner since this is a learning experience. Take it from me you can do way better and you will have no problems in the future finding someone who will treat you like a partner not a piece of crap.

 

Look at it this way hun you will move on from this man faster than anyother ex in the past. He really gave you the way to get out fast by being the jerk he always has been. Forget that jerk and remember that he does not deserve YOU!

 

-Hub

[nataliejulie]

NJ,

Either way, it's not important I was just reading over the words and it seemed as if he was trying to deny that he has been initiating contact. Were his harsh words really meant for you to hear or someone else? Just a thought.

 

RC

 

He CONSTANTLY denies everything positive. Like, if he tells me he loves me, when he gets mad, he denies it. Yesterday, he denied ever making plans with me. When we first met, he used to write me love letters, make me art, everything romantic just to be with me... and he denies he even done those things! I don't get it?

 

 

As far as I know, no one was around when I called, he was at work.

[RayKay]

He CONSTANTLY denies everything positive. Like, if he tells me he loves me, when he gets mad, he denies it. Yesterday, he denied ever making plans with me. When we first met, he used to write me love letters, make me art, everything romantic just to be with me... and he denies he even done those things! I don't get it?

 

 

As far as I know, no one was around when I called, he was at work.

 

Ah, well, sometimes you will find people try to change the history and go into a sort of denial. He may honestly believe in his version at those times. Which just shows me he probably has some mental issues you want no part of.

[Pikey1972]

nataliejulie, I know my situation isn't identical to yours, but my ex has similar "experiences" of denial as yours: he too denies having said / done certain things.

 

He rang on Monday and we spoke briefly. He promised to ring back on Wednesday. He never did (not a major crime, in the scheme of things, I know). Now he claims he never promised to phone!

 

It seems quite common behaviour - why exactly they do it is a mystery to me too. Like Ray Kay says, there might be some underlying mental / psychological issues there.

 

Take care.

[annie24]

Yeah, I had an ex do stuff like that to me also. Where he would say something to me on the phone, like how much he loved me, and the next day, I'd talk to him about what he said, and he would deny it. Said he didn't remember saying it.

 

 

 

Blah. They do have some underlying mental/psychological issues!!!

[kellbell]

NJ,

 

Ok... this guy has mental/psychological issues. Don't bother wasting your time with him anymore. If this is a pattern he does all the time...forget about him. I would not even be friends with him later on down the line. You can't even count on him to own up to when he says he called you.

[nataliejulie]

I see everyone's point. I think certain people have a way of handling things like these.. Like, last week, a very close long time friend of his passed away. Now, I was there for him about that. First couple days he seemed in shock, then shock turned into "who cares anymore?" He seemed angry about it. He seemed like he couldn't care. Just the way he treats our break up most of the time. It's such a problem, that he won't even ask me what I've been up to, he literally doesn't want to know. He refuses to even look at my MySpace page, because he doesn't want to know anything AT ALL. (He's admitted this) And it's not because it's a way to get over me, because he's sleeping every night in a bed/sheets I bought him, wearing clothes I got him every day, reminders of me every where!

 

Not making excuses, but I think this just might be the way to handle hurt and pain -- being angry, denial, and forcing yourself to not care. My question is... (and I know this is not a healthy way of handling things) but that come back and haunt you? Would that pain ever come back, almost like he's forced to deal with it?

 

I can't help to wonder if he will ever apologize. I know I shouldn't care, but hearing those words coming from someone you shared living space with, spent every day with and fell in love with hits a person pretty hard, you know?

 

At this point, I'm so disgusted. I keep picturing him going on with his day, having a good time, like nothing happened.

[Bethany]

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what he gets up to or with who or what he thinks. He is your EX. He can do whatever he likes.Don't weaken or make excuses for him.

 

Go NC and let him picture you going on with your day. This is the way to turn things around and regain your self-respect and ultimately his respect too. You go back now as things stand and you will just get more of the same.

[frecklegirl]

NJ, I can so relate to all of your posts....I think the reason we get so spun out over these types of men is, the more the disrespect us the MORE we NEED to get their yes THEIR respect back so we can again feel good about ourselves.

I waste alot of time on my ex, as you know....he cheats on his live in, no job, no car, etc. she pays his way and he comes over her has sex with me.....loveyou's all over the place, then back home to the security blanket. ICK! If someone were telling me the same, like you say about what he says to you, I would say run, you deserve and should expect more.

Yet someone inside us, we are missing the part that KNOWS we deserve more. Don't let him fool you....thanks for helping me see you my ex is, I need to know his respect of me should mean nothing to me....I need to respect myself more and so do you.....let's really, really work to believe that.