day 16 and couldnt keep quiet

[sibling295]

Well , same old story - I had made a pact with myself to concentrate on me , my career ,my friends and NOt bring up marriage to my b/f.We just got back togethjer about 3months ago. Broke up cause of my pressure and unhappiness about not getting married.

Anyway - i was feeling great , doing good, then last night he tells me his friend has asked his girlfriend to move in with him. I was abit taken aback because we had all had a convo one night about how we wouldnt move in with out being engaged. So my b/f says" Oh no, he is gonna ask her to marry him, can you believe that ??? I told him he was crazy"

 

Well i lost it. Lost it.

 

I said "how can you say that , blah blah , "

he says "I just dont think they have anything in common , she is a user"

i say " thats mean, blah blah"

 

Basically we fought about his friends relationship. So then i said where do you see yourself 3 years from now. he wouldnt answer me. NO answer.

We were very heated and upset , but he would give me no answer.

 

I am back to being blue about this. I dont know why its ruling my life.He did say some awful things though - like:

 

>Youre just pissed off that i wont say i want to spend the rest of my life with you.

>I dont even know if you are the one, how doi not know any of my ex girlfriends were the one, i mean why didnt i marry any of them. I am glad i didnt , obviously we broke up , but if i had then see i would be divorced right now.

>I am too old to have a child. If i was meant to have kids i would have done it in my 30's.

 

blah blah ...

 

At the end of the night - he took back saying i wasnt the one - actually he said " I never said that" BUT HE DID. Then he said if i would just learn to not pressure him we would have been already married a long time ago. Whatever - he is lying..

The only positive note was we ended the HUGE battle with a truce. We both said "TRUCE"which is good cause any other time i would never of let it go.

Good night and i love you's. Tonight is his step sister's bday - i told him i was not gonna go . He seemed okay with this. I just cant stand doing the fake family thing. I want us to be a family. i dont know. Just feeling blue .

Any words of advice?

Sib

[annie24]

How old are you guys?

[Meow18]

How long have you been together all together? How old are both of you?

 

It really seems like you both are at different points in your life and that's fine. The problem is that you are trying to push a future on each other that niether of you want. He obviously doesn't have marriage on his mind, while you want to marry him now. I don't know how you feel about kids, but from his statement, it seems like he isn't wanting any.

 

You have a choice. You can either wait for him to decide he wants to marry you (if that ever happens), or find somebody else who wants the same things in life. Some guys are really freaked out by the idea of getting married and want nothing to do with it. They feel that just being in a relationship is enough. And if that's how they really feel, then there's nothing wrong with it. However, it is causing many problems because you want to get married.

 

You aren't going to change his mind. And if you do, it's going to take a long time. If you decide to stay with him, then you have to be patient. That's just part of choosing to be in a relationship with him. Of course he needs to be considerate of your feelings and what you want too, but it's just so hard to change someone's choice of what they want for their own life.

 

Understandably you are frustrated and probably really hurt that he won't even talk about it. However, try to see it from his point of view. He's probably just as hurt and frustrated that you keep trying to push something on him that he really doesn't want right now.

 

You have to decide if you can wait for something that might never happen.

[sibling295]

Hey there Annie!

I am middle 30's - he is 41.

 

I am trying sooo hard to not let this rule my life. But i cant stop thinking about it.

[annie24]

I remember your posts from a while ago. You guys broke up, and then he begged to have you back, right? So, if he wanted you back, why is he acting strange now?

 

What's the full story again?

[sibling295]

thanks Maggie,

we have been together 2 years. I was doing good ,new year , new start . I need to go back to that.This is just making me miserable.

Thanks.

Sib

[sibling295]

Annie full story is :

together a year and a half - he breaks up with me because he feels i am unhappy because i want to get married. Then he comes CRYING back to me. The marriage issue is pretty big still. So i decide to drop it as a new year resolution. But it just seems to keep coming up. Or i am allowing it to.Whatever...

I have to get back on my feeling good bandwagon. MUST

[Gunther]

Interesting story, hehe I like that "I'm middle 30's" thing. To your problem though!

 

Well, he doesn't seem to have much of an interest in being a family. If marriage is your goal here, then you might be SOL. Also, you mentioned he doesn't want to have kids, if you do, that would also be a sign to look for greener pastures.

 

I can think like this guy, not wanting to get married and all, the bottom line is he will probably never get married. So you need to decide if just having a relationship is enough for you.

[annie24]

You know, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get married. Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you? Is he committed to you? if the answer is yes, then maybe the marriage certificate isn't such a big deal.

 

However, if you really want to have kids, and he doesn't, maybe you two should go your separate ways. You can't really compromise on that issue.

 

You two aren't young anymore, and if you want biological children, you might have to find someone who wants them as much as you do.

[sibling295]

Gunther - thanks for the reply.

Since you can think like him, why NOT get married? I mean whats the BIG SCARY deal????? What in the world is sooooo scary ??????? and why does he always think negative about it. It completely PANICKS him.Sweat breaks out, he cant breathe , i swear !!!!! I dont understand..

[Gunther]

I did not know his reactions were -that- bad, but if you want my insight on it, I will share, but remember this is all speculation based on educated guesses, I could be hitting the ball way out of the park here. But here is my best guess:

 

 

basically he doesn't want to marry you, and he feels threatened when you bring it up, and he goes into a panick mode.

 

For whatever reason he simply doesn't want to marry you inparticular, and there isn't much else to it. Could be the way you act, the things you do, the things you don't do, how you look. But for whatever reason he has decided he doesn't want to get married until to you until you either guess the magical reason, or something really really big happens.

 

But believe me when I say it is very easy to love someone deeply and not want to marry them. The two are not directly connected. I suspect he feels a very deep connection to you.

 

But think for a moment if you will, that for whatever reason you decide you don't wanna marry him, or it could be someone else if you like.

 

But then that person asks you anyways, but the hitch is you love that person and feel obligated to make them happy, and you know marrying that person would make them very happy. You have run into a paradox, and you start to panick.

 

That is basically what has happened here, at least that is what I believe. I know it may be hard to hear, but based on observation of other people with similar problems this is probably it.

 

Oh and this works both ways, it's not just guys who think like this, women also think like this.

[NJRon]

If he's 44, never been married and doesn't want kids, while I don't know him, if I were in a similar relationship I think that would be a red flag that they're not really a committment minded individual. Not that they didn't care for me deeply, but that they just want to see how things go and are comfortable without the committment... don't rock the boat kind of thing.

[sibling295]

thanks for the replys -

 

Need to hear it all from strangers everynow and then ,yah know!

Well back to me and my life , i go.

Gunther - the panic attacks sound just about right on.

I really dont ever see him proposing. Sad, it hurts me allot.

I am gonna stick tomy resolution again . at least till June.

thanks

sib

[Gunther]

Well, I'm glad I could be of help. Sometimes you need to hear it from a stranger, thats what we're here for ^_^