This makes no sense to me.

[xmrth]

My boyfriend of 6yrs and I have been having this ongoing problem where he doesn't invite me out with him and his friends. This isn't so much about that, but it's about the discussion we had about how he feels over it.

 

He makes NO sense to me...

 

He's telling me that the only times he wants to be alone with his friends is when they come home on leave from Iraq. But even other times, he just wants to have his time with the guys. But yes, he spends Friday and Saturday nights with me, until 12-1AM other than when his friends are back on leave.

Anyways, he is so "sick and tired" of my complaining, even though I don't complain over-the-top! But yes, I mention it a lot... especially since I only see him Fri/Sat nights (except when those friends are back) because it can't be resolved any other time, especially since we don't see eachother that much because of our schedules.

 

Well he's telling me about how he wasn't planning on spending so much time with this one friend who got cheated on (wasn't going to until he was because now that meant the friend was around and not spending all his time with his girl). So I said, "aren't you happy I wouldn't even put you through that?"

and he's saying "I don't care what you do." But honestly, I'm not sure if he knew what I meant because I think he could have thought I meant it by just putting him through crap.

 

Anyways, he's going on saying how he wants his alone time to relax, but it frustrates me because if something comes up on these two days that we see eachother, he won't sacrifice his "alone time" which is a day off that he has that now I also have.

 

He is tired of coming over my house all the time (25 minutes away-- not too long) because of my complaining as it's all I do. But it's not over the top at all! We have such wonderful nights together otherwise! I just mention it a lot these past weeks because he's been with the friends who are back so much. And I can't even go to his house because it's small and his whole family is home... it's hard to be alone and talk and do what we like to do (lay down together on my bed-- *A* bed, etc. and have privacy) so I can't just go over there...

 

He's going on to say that he'll see me less when he goes back to work, and that "It's only going to get worse" but since it's work, and not friends, it doesn't bother me... I tell him this.

 

He says he doesn't care if I broke up with him because I seem unhappy. He says he's happy with me and has no complaints about me (he really has never complained to me about anything at all, and does seem happy)

And I asked him just to be sure, "are you just not wanting to be the one to end it?" and he said no, and he means no.

He kept mentioning how long we've been together "I've been with you for 6 years." and implying that because of this, it is one of his reasons why he "obviously" wouldn't break up with me over whatever-- he never said that, but it's like he's implying it?

 

It's like he does not care about ANYTHING I do...

 

I haven't tried NOT complaining about not seeing him much, which it's really just when his friends are home that our nights get interrupted (not saying it's bad they're home or anything-- they're out of bad circumstances)..

He just did NOT care at all, he didn't care at all if I broke up with him then and there, and I have no idea how to handle that. He's like, go get a boyfriend who will see you all the time; he's just so sick of my "complaining" that he just doesn't want to deal with it anymore... but what am I supposed to do, he doesn't even want to come over because of it but it's not all we do, it's like I mention it and we talk about it for a little bit, and how can that be so wearing down on him?

 

There's so much that HE hasn't told me... so many things that I find out little by little from him. This would probably be a lot easier if he'd just tell me how he feels and explain.

He's been feeling this way for a while, so why have I finally gotten this out of him now? If he would just TELL me how he feels... I ask and try to figure him out, but I get nothing.

 

The rest of our night was fine... we had a wonderful night together other than this. I just don't understand how he could not care if I broke up with him, yet he is so happy with me and doesn't want to break up with me if having ME do it isn't the case. I don't understand him.

I can tell so sincerely that he loves me by everything he does and every way he expresses... so why all of this?

 

__Martha

[ElektraHere]

Hello,

 

Isn't it selfish of you to want to monopolize all his time? Especially if its his friends coming home on leave from Iraq. God forbid but they may not come back the next time. Its great to spend time with someone you care about but alone time is important too.

 

I have a friend who I talk with daily well he has moments where he wants his alone time now being one of those times. Do I want to talk to him? Of course but I have to show him the same respect he would show me. Do I take it personally? I have but I am learning it's not about me it's about giving him space and time to himself. Plus it will give us lots to talk about when we do talk again. I have a life outside of our friendship and you should have one outside of your relationship.

 

Its hard when its just a few days a week but you have to learn to accept it or you will end up pushing him away and making yourself truly miserable. Do you have any girlfriends you can hang out with? Perhaps do something for yourself like rent your favorite movie, get some ice cream and induldge in YOU!

 

Good Luck!

[xmrth]

I'm not keeping him from his friends at all. I just wanted him to see me other days that he could, but he had chosen not to. It would change everything if he'd invite me along, too. But he won't; I haven't figured out how to have him know how much that hurts me, but he seems to be able to change everything else if he knows it hurts me.

This is a lot like he's realizing he's changing all these things for me but is sick of it.

Those two days we see eachother aren't enough for me on their own.. so if he can't see me I just wish he would make up for it another day because he has in the past.

[annie24]

Hi - I know that this has been an ongoing topic for you for a while. All of us posters can give you different opinions, based on our own experiences. Some will say that it's fine if he spends that time with his friends, and others will say it's not fine. Ultimately though, you are bothered about things, so it's not alright with you.

 

There are times I feel that you are posting so that we can say to you, "It's ok, he loves you, let him spend all his free time with his friends" but no matter how many people tell you that, you say that it's not alright with you. But, if we tell you to leave him, you don't want to do that either. So... we're stuck, aren't we...?

 

It seems that your relationship is a constant struggle, and that's not healthy.

 

Really, it seems like there are 3 options:

 

1) You become OK with whatever he wants to do. (Not pretend "OK" - really OK!)

 

2) You two compromise

 

or 3) You leave him.

[xmrth]

It's not so much that subject, but the conversation we had about it. I don't know why he said any of the things he said or how he could have felt one way while feeling another-- not caring if we broke up, but being happy with me, and just all of that.

The whole friends thing is still an issue, but I'm just putting it to rest on here and doing what I can..

[Vanilla]

xmrth, it just seems that all your posts end up in the same situation and you trying to hold on and justify everything he says.

 

like when he said "i dont care what you do" you immidiately say "i dont think he really got this.." etc etc...he just said what he said and it all means the same.

 

like we've mentioned before- the MERE fact that he brings up breaking up is because he is thinking about it. After 6 yrs, its not easy to just come out to someone and say "yes! I want to break up! Yes! I need space!" because he cares about you and "ive been with you for 6 yrs" means, its so long to cut off just like that.

 

It sounds like you are very emotional and your guy is well, just not that into expressing emotions and this will rub him the wrong way. You want to talk, and he doesnt. That is why after 6 yrs you find things out little by little instead of him telling you. SO each time you see him you want to talk, and it seems like he doesnt so it gets on his nerves making him feel smothered.

 

The fact that your guy only sees you 2 times a week at th emost and then still tells you he needs space to breathe and wants time to be alone is a pretty big sign that he may really want to back out...

 

I am sorry to say it, its just my opinion, but it seems everytime you try overlook whats really there.

 

I know its hard, I love my boyfriend and there's been times when ive wanted to overlook things he's done or said, but if I dont accept them and deal with them for what they are it;ll only go downhill.

 

have you thought of just breaking up and taking some time apart? Maybe then he'll really be sure of what he wants and maybe you should do it to grow more on the independent side.

 

It just seems to me your whole life revolves around him and what he says and when he goes out and that he only sees you 2 times a week. It doesnt change...and you only have two options- accept it and get over it, or take time apart and find out if this is the best for you two.

 

Truly loving someone can mean having to let go sometimes...sometimes for a little while, sometimes for good.

[Luciana]

I totally disagree with Electra. You are not being selfish. He has compartimentalized you in his life. You don't really have a companion. And what are you doing still dating after 6 years?

 

Martha, this guy is just not into you. You need to leave this relationship and find someone more interested in being with you.

 

Got to and see some similar stories.