My guy is sleeping with other people - help please

[confused in germany]

I've been dating this guy for 2 months. I went on a 4 week trip a month after we met and I came back yesterday. All the time I assumed we are exclusive cause before I left I asked him if he's dating other people and he said no and also that he doesn't want me to go out with someone else while I'm gone. I know it wasn't a real exclusive talk (it was just too soon for that back then) but from what he said I assumed we were. While I was gone he told me how much he misses me and that he can't wait to see me again. So I came back yesterday. He asked me if I want to stay at his place and I did and we slept together (we also slept together before I left). He told me how happy he is that I'm back and he made plans what we're going to do in the near future.

 

So this morning he left early, said goodbye to me very sweetly and went to work. I slept in and now I'm alone here. Well, I just wanted to throw something into the trash in his room when I saw a greeting card with a picture in it lying pretty much open on top of everything. I saw it was him with a girl so I just had to take a look at it. This girl tells him something like "let's get under the covers" and what a great time they had the last weekend and that she can't wait to see him again. She also said Merry Xmas so she sent that card after I left. There also was an envelope (looks like it was from that greeting card) with used condoms in it. It made me feel so sick when I saw that.

 

I'm totally devastated right now. He told me to call him later today but my first thought was to get my stuff, get out of here and never call him again or return his calls.

 

Maybe he didn't think we were exclusive yet so he wanted to have some fun before I came back but what about that stuff he told me about not wanting me to go out with someone else? He also said he knows that he has no right to ask me not to out with someone else so he won't try to and that he recommends we figure it out when I get back (the exclusive talk?). So does it look like he didn't think we're exclusive yet?

 

What should I do now? I'm so disappointed because I already like him so much and he always seemed like he was serious about us. Should I just leave and never talk to him again or should I ask him if we're exclusive? I can't mention that I found sth in his trash, can I? On the other hand I have a right to know since we're sleeping together and it's a health issue.

 

Thanks

[Blue Skittles]

Yea, I would go with your first thought on this one, as much as you like this guy, how much did he like you if he couldn't wait for you to come back. I dont' know about you, but i would expect a guy that cares about me enough to wait. Also get tested for STD's. Plus he's already started something with this girl how do you know hes not just playing both of you, even if you make it exclusive is he really gonna end things with the other girl?

[Huntsman]

He's taken a gamble with you.

He is aiming to build a harem for himself, but keep you as his primary.

 

Take that as a compliment!

 

His gamble is that your attraction levels will remain so high that he CAN sleep with other girls, and that you will be so focused on him that you will not stray yourself.

 

This is all an evolutionary process, and this man will never give you exclusivity. He will merely hide it better in future, should you stay with him.

 

You unconsciously enjoy the fact that he is a rake. It excites you that he is in demand from other women. That is why you felt nauseous when you saw the condoms.

 

He sounds like he treats you well. He is in no sense ready to discipline his own penis though.

 

You wanted to leave for good. But you didn't. You sat on the computer and expressed your emotions, but you did not act on them.

 

What does that tell you?

OTHER WOMEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH THIS MAN = HE MUST HAVE GOOD GENES TO BE SO IN DEMAND = I WANT TO HAVE HIS GENES = YOU DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE!

 

And if he has safe sex it's not really a health issue.

 

Don't waste time engaging in conversation with him about it.

He will lie to you.

I am telling you from a male perspective, I know your man very well, he will never stop cheating on you.

 

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

 

Sex him better. Do not leave him unattended for too long.

Give him more attention. Be more of a challenge.

BUT DO NOT CHASE HIM OR BUST HIS BALLS!

He will just keep it more secret in future.

 

DO IT CLANDESTINELY! (Look up the etymology of "seduction".)

[RayKay]

And if he has safe sex it's not really a health issue.

 

 

 

There are MANY STI's that can transfer from skin to skin contact - condom or not. Condoms are not 100%.

 

How is there even any guarantee he is really having safe sex - it's not like he was telling her he was sleeping with other people, how does she know he has ALWAYS used condoms?

 

And even so, she can still get pregnant, get HPV, genital warts, and so forth. Condoms are NOT 100% against everything or anything.

[Dannysgirl]

Why on earth would she want to stay with a guy who is going to cheat on her?

[Dannysgirl]

ConfusedInGermany - dump this loser pronto, he's a dog and probably has numerous STD's if he's this promiscous. Please get checked out asap.

[Relationship Coach]

Well, the chum is in the water...ladies?

[RayKay]

Sounds like an exclusive talk to me....if he did not want you going out with others, I don't blame you for assuming that he was going to do the same.

 

 

 

So was this then right before he saw you and while you were away? I don't know, I would of interpreted his "no I am not seeing anyone" should also mean "not even while you are away". Maybe it was not a "proper talk" but really, I think it was more then enough to know what you were talking about.

 

Good idea in future not to sleep with someone unless you know they are not sleeping with someone else.

 

As a side note....who the heck keeps used condoms in an envelope...

 

 

 

Well, I would say this is a big indicator he certainly was not thinking you were exclusive, even with the talk. It sounds like he wanted you to stay committed to him, but he wasn't planning on it. I think he knew this ahead of time though, so why he decided to postpone the talk....

 

 

 

I think you need to talk. Don't just leave...but bring up the exclusivity thing, find out what he says. Heck, ask him if he was with anyone else while you were away...I'd be curious what his reaction is! It IS a health issue. Condoms are not 100%...never mind also being able to transmit things orally and with skin to skin contact.

 

Then after you talk. Leave. You deserve better. He was playing you in my opinion. He knew you wanted exclusivity and asked about it. He gave it to you...but only on your side. He opted to play around some more. You deserve better.

[BellaDonna]

Although some opinions in this thread make my stomach nausous, I am only going to focus on the original poster's question.

 

I do think you need to have a very straight-forward talk with him, and discuss exactly what both of your expectations are for the relationship.

 

If he does not want to be exclusive, and you do.....Then it's time to move on. 2 months is already too much out of your life to invest in someone who doesn't have the same relationship views as you do.

 

You deserve complete happiness, and no less.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Relationship Coach]

Huntsman,

 

Normally I would just read a post like yours and shrug it off as a rotten shot at sarcasm or just plain ignorance coupled with the morals of a swine who believes his own chauvinistic and demented opinions. This forum certainly gives you the right to offer suggestions which would help the person in their situation. With that being said, I find your post totally offensive and off base, then again it's guys like you that keep this site so active.

 

To the ladies out there, I apologize for this confused and moronic individual. He is a poor representation of a man and a caring member of ENA. I'm sure this is obvious to you, so I'll depart from this thread and let the pro's take over.

[lunatic]

Please keep this topic on subject.

 

If anymore deviations happen here I will lock this thread and start issuing warnings.

 

Thank you,

Hub

[theantibarbie23]

The used condoms thing is so weird, I don't know what to make of it.

[RayKay]

The used condoms thing is so weird, I don't know what to make of it.

 

I know...I am pretty stuck on that one too....

 

Who puts them in an envelope..and a collection of them!

[DN]

Speaking as an older and, I hope, mature man, I agree with everyone who says dump him.

[lunatic]

Speaking as an older and, I hope, mature man, I agree with everyone who says dump him.

 

I too am an in agreement with DN on this.

 

Kick this weirdo to the curb. Who the heck keeps used condoms?? Period!

 

YUCK! *pukes*

[Relationship Coach]

CIG,

 

I really think this guy made a huge mistake by playing you. You have been dating exclusively for two months, the fact that you left town does not give him the right to do what he did. He sure laid the ground work before you left and continued right on through until you returned. He wanted to keep you in check and have his freedom at the same time. He did what he thought he could get away with. This all sounds way to premeditated to of been a lapse in judgement while out partying too much. He was great at planning the party, he just failed miserably cleaning up afterwards. Just be thankful you found out this early in the relationship, this guy seems very devious. You have every right to question him and it doesn't sound to me like snooping, it was in the open!

 

Find someone who wants to love only you, Good Luck.

[Huntsman]

Coach,

 

thanks for the compliments!

 

read this again:

OTHER WOMEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER MAN = HE MUST HAVE GOOD GENES TO BE SO IN DEMAND = SHE WANTS TO HAVE HIS GENES = SHE CANNOT LEAVE!

 

This is reality.

The girl cannot extricate herself from this situation.

You cannot argue with instinct.

Morals make no difference.

Why do you think so many girls cannot stay away from 'bad boys', 'jerks', Hell's Angels that treat them like dirt?

Why do you think you are unsuccessful with women?

YOU'RE A NICE GUY!

[heloladies21]

Huntsman is correct.

[Caldus]

So he is your man despite that he is with other women right now? How do you make such a conclusion?

 

Ask yourself, without strong emotional bias (if such a thing is possible), whether he is the type of person you can 'talk this out' with or whether he is someone you need to get rid of now. I would personally kick someone like that to the curb 10 times out of 10, but that's just me.

[Caldus]

This is reality.

The girl cannot extricate herself from this situation.

You cannot argue with instinct.

Morals make no difference.

Why do you think so many girls cannot stay away from 'bad boys', 'jerks', Hell's Angels that treat them like dirt?

Why do you think you are unsuccessful with women?

YOU'RE A NICE GUY!

 

Depends on the definition of nice. Pushover type of nice guy? Absolutely. Being nice out of character and not expecting anything back in return type of nice? Nah. Unless he doesn't take good care of himself physically and mentally of course.

 

And I would kick someone like that to the curb because you need to think about their intentions. If their intent is to sleep with other women, what does that imply about their views on relationships right now? It's obvious right? And they would probably do this to experience the 'thrill' or 'high' they always get each time they do it. To them, it is their way of being satisfied right now. Not someone who is serious with one person. Think on that.

[Dannysgirl]

Coach,

 

thanks for the compliments!

 

read this again:

OTHER WOMEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER MAN = HE MUST HAVE GOOD GENES TO BE SO IN DEMAND = SHE WANTS TO HAVE HIS GENES = SHE CANNOT LEAVE!

 

This is reality.

The girl cannot extricate herself from this situation.

You cannot argue with instinct.

Morals make no difference.

Why do you think so many girls cannot stay away from 'bad boys', 'jerks', Hell's Angels that treat them like dirt?

Why do you think you are unsuccessful with women?

YOU'RE A NICE GUY!

 

 

The fact this guy is a player does not mean he has 'good genes' it just means he's very good at telling women what they want to hear and covering his tracks.

Not all women like 'jerks' and 'bad boys' although many women go through a period of trying to change a 'bad boy' before they realise that they can't be changed and give up.

 

I think your advice thus far is of a very poor variety, basically you're asking the girl to give up her self respect and condone this guy's cheating because he 'shouldn't be expected to control his penis?'

[ComputerGuy]

I agree, ditch this guy. He isn't good for you and is very manipulative.

 

And to Huntsman - Manipulation and saying what someone wants to hear isn't akin togood genes. It's a lot more comlpex than you make it out to be. Attachment to a person isn't solely based on his genes and at an "animal" level. Sure it definitely plays a part, and the fact this guy may be in demand could also be why she liked him in the first place. However it still doesn't justify sleeping around on her. Also, the "sick" feeling she got, it's not because she thinks he has good genes or whatever, it's because emotional attachment, which in part is due to physical attraction but not completely, is causing her to not want to believe it or justify it. When you care about someone, whether it be lovers or friends or family, you always get this sick feeling when they do somehting you didn't think that they would ever do.

[Caldus]

^ Yup.

 

And fortunately, we have more to rely on than our pure sense-experiences and animal instincts. There is also reason, but unfortunately it isn't used much when it comes to dating and relationships in general.

[annie24]

Yup. I totally agree with BellaDonna and Raykay also.

 

Ditch this guy.

 

You two had the "exclusivity" talk. He broke it. And plus he's just plain old gross and weird for keeping used condoms. Ewwww....

 

He's no catch. He doesn't have good genes. Would a good potential husband and father lie to you, only 2 months into your relationship?

 

blah.

 

forget him.

[theantibarbie23]

Coach,

 

thanks for the compliments!

 

read this again:

OTHER WOMEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER MAN = HE MUST HAVE GOOD GENES TO BE SO IN DEMAND = SHE WANTS TO HAVE HIS GENES = SHE CANNOT LEAVE!

 

This is reality.

The girl cannot extricate herself from this situation.

You cannot argue with instinct.

Morals make no difference.

Why do you think so many girls cannot stay away from 'bad boys', 'jerks', Hell's Angels that treat them like dirt?

 

Sure we all have instincts but we have evolved a bit these past few millions years or so. We are quite capable of making decisions regarding relationships that involve things like foresight and logic.

 

Some girls can't stay away from bad boys due to lack of self-esteem. They subconsciously seek out men whom treat them badly in order to validate their poor opinions of themselves.... just a thought.