Very Confused/Lost

[blue_gonzo_81]

I need some advice...

 

I am 24 yr old male who came out in college, to my family first, then to my friends. I was in a relationship in college for over 2 years with a guy I loved very much. At the beginning, we were both closeted, however, I eventually came out and I know it was because of him. I was feeling such intense emotions that I couldn't bear to keep them all in anymore, and I decided to share it with people. I truly thought I had found my soulmate. However, at his request, I never revealed him while we were together. He was terrified of people finding out, and naive as I was, I decided to go along with it and protect him. It went ok for a while, but then it led to fights, arguments, etc. about how I was mad at just being his "friend" and the way he would treat me in front of his friends/family because he did not want them to know about me and was ashamed. Inevitably, the relationship ended very badly. He made it very clear that this was only a "fling" and one-time thing for him, and that I was basically his "experiment". It ended quickly, horribly, and abruptly, and I have not spoken to him since.

 

It took some time (about a year), but I was fairly certain I had gotten over him. I've had a few-short lived relationships since, but none to the level that I had with him. What I am most disturbed about recently is that, for the past 8 months or so, I have been finding myself strongly attracted to straight guys. These "crushes" have never led to anything, nor have I pursued them, but what has bothered me most is a recent crush I have on a coworker. I am almost 100% certain he is straight, but I still find myself being strongly attracted to him, not only because I find him physically attractive, but because he is a very nice, smart, successful guy and I really enjoy the time I spend with him. I have tried my best to stop viewing him in that way, because I still value our friendship, but no matter what I do I cannot seem to stop thinking about him. Still, I have enough self control to know that I would never reveal these feelings to him, but it really hurts to suffer in silence. After speaking to a friend about this, and how confused I was about my attraction to straight guys, he suggested that I have become this way because I know they are unavailable, and that nothing will come of it. In my own, strange way, I am preventing myself from getting hurt again, and I would rather like someone knowing they are unavailable, than to enter into another serious relationship where the possibility exists that it could end badly, and I could get hurt again.

 

This probably sounds overly simplistic to you, but I feel very confused and a little scared by these thoughts. Do you think that may really be the reason I have this attraction to this coworker, and straight guys in general? Is there any way I can stop acting this way, and wasting energy/emotions hoping for something that will never happen?

 

Thanks

[novaseeker]

Sorry to hear about your situation with your ex ... it's really hard when one partner is out and the other one isn't. It creates big tension in the medium term.

 

As for your current situation, it could very well be the case that you are subconsciously becoming attracted to unavailable partners to protect yourself from the risks of another relationship. The reality is that most people in the straight world are just that ... straight. It may be easier for you to break this pattern by joining some gay groups or organizations where you can meet other people you know are gay, or hanging around in gay neighborhoods (if you live close to one), that type of thing. Don't be too worried ... many gay people find themselves attracted to straight guys at some point along the line, but in order to break the cycle of frustration there, you kind of have to discipline yourself a bit and look for people in situations where you are more likely to meet other gay people.

[Prufrock06]

Agree 100 percent with novaseeker here --

 

The best thing would be to start integrating yourself more into social circles in which you know for a fact that the people you are dealing with are on the same page, sexually speaking, as you are. I know from personal experience in enduring an impossible crush that finding other social outlets helps not only with the feelings of frustration at being attracted to straight (read: off-limits) guys, but you'll also find that once you have these kinds of groups and people to pal around with, the friendship you have with this guy won't suffer as much. It'll be easier to enjoy the friendship you have with him without having to keep this desire for physical and emotional interraction bottled up all the time.

 

Regardless of whether your boyfriends (both past and future) are/were closeted, breakups are always going to be difficult things to manage. But as soon as you feel comfortable getting back onto the dating scene, and you set your sights on guys who a) you know for certain are gay and b) are proud and accepting of who they are with themselves and their close family/friends, you'll find it very difficult to repeat the certainly scarring scenario you describe in your post.

[blue_gonzo_81]

Thanks for the great advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I realize I have a lot of issues that need sorting out. I hope to work on these and to hopefully come out a better person on the other end.

 

I've also just been trying to distance myself from him, not in a mean way, but to just lessen our interaction to help me not be so affected. Except just this week, his father was killed in a car accident, so I have not seen him at work. It was all very sudden. I feel bad for not contacting him to offer my support, but im afraid it will start this crap all over again. It's strange the way life throws curveballs at you like that.

 

Anyway, hopefully there is some good that can come out of this. Thanks again for the advice.

[EnglishSilver]

I need some advice...

 

Inevitably, the relationship ended very badly. He made it very clear that this was only a "fling" and one-time thing for him, and that I was basically his "experiment". It ended quickly, horribly, and abruptly, and I have not spoken to him since.

 

I really feel for you mate, something very similar happened to me as a teenager, despite this being 1979 and living in a small rural white middle class

villiage i was ready to shout out about how much I loved her, but I was the experiment, and was badly hurt, enought to firmly close the closet doors for the next seventeen years. I think you've done amazingly well to keep true to yourself and to be thinking about the way you are attracted to other men to try and work out if you're doing the best you can to increse your chances of happiness, because its a lot easier to run away from whats painful

 

It took some time (about a year), but I was fairly certain I had gotten over him.

 

Ive read that it takes at least a year to get over any significant relationship, and this was a very significant one for you, so give yourself time and try not to worry too much. You are probably still just coming to the end of the grieving process and it may be you need a little longer before you are ready to meet someone to form another deep relationship with.

 

 

After speaking to a friend about this, and how confused I was about my attraction to straight guys, he suggested that I have become this way because I know they are unavailable, and that nothing will come of it. In my own, strange way, I am preventing myself from getting hurt again, and I would rather like someone knowing they are unavailable, than to enter into another serious relationship where the possibility exists that it could end badly, and I could get hurt again.

 

 

I think your friend has a very good point here, I took this form of denial a lot further and stayed in 3 long term relationships, 5 years with a guy who was really my best friend ( Im sure he was actually gay too) 10 years married to a bloke I didn't love because it was "expected", even after coming out in my 30's spent 7 years with a woman I wasn't really in love with because its "safer" to be with someone who loves you more than you love them. I didn't even realise i had done this until a year out from that 7 yr relationship. Now having just been left by someone I was totally in love with Im back to square one, and will have to be very careful not to fall into my old pattern. i know Im burbling on about myself, but I wanted to say how much better you are handling all of this than i did at a similar age. I think you are attracted to the "unavailable" guys because you're feelings are starting to wake up again after being hurt, but you're not quite ready to open yourself up to someone again. I think being aware that you're doing this is a massive plus, you can enjoy the feelings of attraction being aware that they are just that, so when you are ready and you meet someone who is right for you to form a closer bond with, you will recognise the difference. All the best xxxxx

[pizzachick13]

I agree 100% with your friend. It's easier to fall for people who are "safe" and I've done it planty of times, but it only ends in heartache. I agree with most of the posters here and you should try to intergrate yourself into the gay community and open yourself up a little. Having such a bad breakup with that guy makes that difficult but with time you will overcome your fears of being in a serious but risky relationship and find that you can be happier than ever before.

 

Good luck