SDgirl1234 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 my bf and i have been together over 2 years.. and have been through a lot. infact i broke things off with him a while back bc of trust issues (i was being lied to a lot about everything). we also ran into a problem with porn. now i understand that guys look at that stuff (i still dont get it) but it makes me really uncomfortable knowing that he does bc when i was younger i had a traumatizing experience with that stuff and my dad. i told him about it and i didnt even have to ask him to stop looking at it... he flat out promised me that he'd never look at that stuff again. and for a while it seemed to be true. but just recently, things have become shady again and i've found out that he's subscribed to all of these porn sites (i think even giving out his credit card #) and im just heartbroken. i love him to death, but cant tolerate his hobby. it hurts me more bc we've already talked about this and he made a promise to me.. which is now broken. just knowing that hes getting off to other girls makes me sick.... i know guys might look at it in a more simpler way, but my bf should respect me and if i dont like it.. he shouldnt do it. but now i dont know what to do bc my trust has been broken again, and i dont think asking him to stop AGAIN.. will really make him stop! i need some advice please Link to comment
Dako Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 He should keep his promises to you, especially if he knows how important it is. He may think porn is no big deal or sees this as a power struggle he can't bear to lose, but it looks like a deal-breaker if one of you doesn't give in. Often you have to compromise on things in a relationship. Are you willing to be alone if he won't stop his "hobby" or is he willing to give up his close relationships with all those fantasy babes? I don't get the whole porn thing. Must be like video games or something. Link to comment
Itsok Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Simply put: you have asked him to stop looking at porn and he didn't, you've broken up over trust issues before, and he has broken another promise to you. This relationship isn't important enough to him to not risk losing. Don't tolerate this behavior. I know many women who have, and can honestly say that they are absolutely taken advantage of by these men. He's cheating in online form and obviously has no guilt about it either. My advice: You have broken up with him before over trust issues, it appears you may have to do it again. If he is proving over and over that he can't be trusted, he isn't worth another moment of your life. If you ask him to stop, he won't. He has proven that. If it is this important to you that he not do this and he PROMISED he wouldn't, I wouldn't trust him with anymore of my time. Keep your self-respect and tell him you're through. He's wasting your time when you could be looking for someone who will be good to you. ](*,) Fool you once, shame on them, fool you twice, shame on you. Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 My opinion is biased because pornography is my best friend--but here goes. It sounds like there is an unresolved issue from your childhood that you might not have addressed. I gather that by your comment regarding your father and porn. Have you seen a therapist about whatever event transpired? but my bf should respect me and if i dont like it.. he shouldnt do it. I think you're right that you boyfriend should factor in your considerations when making his decisions, but what about the reverse to this. But what about the flip side; "My gf should respect me and if I like it, I should be allowed to do it." See the problem as I see it is that you want your way, without regard to your boyfriends feelings. You have every right to what you believe is right, but at the same token so does he. So how do you resolve it? Either he gives it up, you give him up, or something else changes. I do have my problems with the porn industry, but to me, porn serves its purpose. It is a quick release. Most guys don't look at porn and think "Wow I want to have sex with this person, my current partner is inadequate." Its a quick release. Guys are easily stimulated visually. Porn is good at this. I'm not saying you are wrong for your beliefs. Just trying to get you to consider your boyfriends opinions. Obviously if this is a make or break deal with you, you gotta do what you gotta do. Either way good luck. PS: Video Games are my other best friend Link to comment
Dako Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Lostinmythoughts, I don't disagree, but what do you think him breaking his promise? I put that above how he pulls his pud. Link to comment
Sheyda Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 But what about the flip side; "My gf should respect me and if I like it, I should be allowed to do it." I'm sure he will not be as hurt from being denied porn as she would be with knowing he watches it. Especially after a traumatic experience with it beforehand. If I were the one watching porn and my boyfriend was hurt by it his feelings would be far more important to me than being able to look at pictures and videos of people having sex, particularly if it was related to a trauma he suffered. I would stop looking at it even if people said he was being selfish and controlling because I wouldn't see it that way. In fact I have already agreed not to do a certain thing because of how he would feel if I did; sacrifices need to be made in a relationship and you need to decide what is more important. To me, my partner will always be more important than being able to look at pictures, videos and movies or other things that are not really necessary in life, but that is just me. SDgirl1234 - It already sounds bad before you mentioned he broke his promise about porn despite your traumatic experience. You've already said he has been lying to you a lot about everything and you broke it off, so why did you place your trust in him again and what made you think he would keep this promise when he has lied so many times in the past? How can you love this man if you can't even trust him? There is no relationship without having mutual trust between the two of you. Link to comment
Tigris Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I agree that you should see a therapist to solve the problem from your past. Your boyfriend should never have made a promise he wasn't going to keep! My personal opinion is that this relationship is not going to work. You've had trust issues with him before. A couple in a relationship have to learn to compromise. I can never see this happening over the porn issue! Link to comment
heavensent Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Pornography is cheating. Simple as that. If you are in a relationship you should not be looking at other people naked. You told him how you felt and if he has continued to do this, he is betraying you and most likely will never stop, he will only get better at HIDING it from you. I have had a relationship in the past where my he looked at pornography at the beginning of our relationship, once I told him that I considered it cheating and WHY he realized that I was right and saw it from a whole different perspective. However, it still caused so many insecurity and trust problems for the remainder of our relationship. I questioned his every move on the computer, reviewed his past history on it and even blocked channels he could watch on TV because I was SO worried that he would do it behind my back. It only tore us apart. Pornography is a horrible addiction that guys seem to get drawn to, us women just don't quite understand it. I don't think we should have to, and I don't think you should give in and stay with him. Cut ties. There truly are guys out there that find it just as wrong as we do. Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I don't disagree, but what do you think him breaking his promise? Personally I don't think he should have made this promise in the first place. It's like people who promise their partners "I will never hurt you." Its not a promise that is easy to keep. He is wrong, but in a way you can't expect to show a dog a bone and tell him not to chew it. Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I'm sure he will not be as hurt from being denied porn as she would be with knowing he watches it. But you're now making a value call as to whose opinion matters more. That is the start of a bad relationship. Of course my opinion matters most, but if I want to live in a happy relationship, I've got to learn to comprimise. Its not whose opinion matters more, its how can you resolve the conflict so both are happy? It sounds like the op and her boyfriend really ought not to be together as he likes porn, and she doesnt. Chris Rock said it best, if you a crack head, you can't marry a church girl. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I would say it is the lack of trust and insecurities on your part, even after he promised he would not look, that ended things...not porn. If it was not porn, it could of been something else that set of the insecurities. Porn is not an automatic relationship killer. I know many couples, myself included, whom are comfortable with it, as long as it is NOT secretive and it is not affecting OUR own intimate life...I trust my partner, and he trusts me. I don't think porn in itself is wrong or right, but it does have to be something you as a COUPLE are in agreement with and can work together with. I think when someone does not like it, the other should not be lying about it, and they should both consider whether they can compromise or not. If not, it's time to part. Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Pornography is cheating. Simple as that. If you are in a relationship you should not be looking at other people naked. How is it cheating? Is it cheating to look at the Statue of David in all its glory? How about watching Starship Troopers--is it cheating during the shower scene? Pornography is a horrible addiction that guys seem to get drawn to, us women just don't quite understand it. I don't think we should have to, and I don't think you should give in and stay with him. Cut ties. There truly are guys out there that find it just as wrong as we do. How is porn a horrible addiction? There are plenty of women who do like porn, plenty of women who support the idea of it (not necessarily its implementation). Its not about understanding it; its about finding someone who shares in your values and beliefs. If you believe sex before marriage is wrong, don't date someone who believes otherwise. For the record, us guys have no idea why women have to go into every little minute detail when telling us about your day. But we accept it and move on. Link to comment
Dako Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Pornography is a horrible addiction that guys seem to get drawn to, us women just don't quite understand it. I know longterm couples who watch porn, and have known plenty of women who enjoy it. I never got into it myself. As far as cheating goes, there may be other opinions. Link to comment
Tigris Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I agree with RayKay. I have no problems with my Fiancee looking at porn. We would watch it together if I was with her in Australia. I've watched porn before but I prefer a film that has a story. It all depends what mood I'm in! Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I agree with RayKay. I have no problems with my Fiancee looking at porn. We would watch it together if I was with her in Australia. I've watched porn before but I prefer a film that has a story. It all depends what mood I'm in! Me too, I just can never get the whole..."oh, the MILKMAN is here!", I am getting naked...stories! I prefer erotic literature too, to visuals, mostly because of this reason. Still enough of an imagination to make the pictures in my head! (and can often enact them with partner that way ) Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Me too, I just can never get the whole..."oh, the MILKMAN is here!", I am getting naked...stories! I prefer erotic literature too, to visuals, mostly because of this reason. Still enough of an imagination to make the pictures in my head! (and can often enact them with partner that way ) I'm here to fix deina cable. You can tell where it goes from here. He fixes the cable? --- My ex was the same way, she liked erotic stories as well. I think its a difference between men and womens stimulation. I'm no expert, but I do know that men are very much stimulated visually, and women are stimulated by, well when I figure that out, I'll be set for life Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I'm here to fix deina cable. You can tell where it goes from here. He fixes the cable? --- My ex was the same way, she liked erotic stories as well. I think its a difference between men and womens stimulation. I'm no expert, but I do know that men are very much stimulated visually, and women are stimulated by, well when I figure that out, I'll be set for life I think it is because they have more of an emotional quotient, and believability. Even if I do watch porn, I rarely watch the male-female stuff....as it's hard to believe some of these not-so-attractive men (hello...Ron Jeremy?) can conveniently bed a much younger, more attractive woman....I guess I like some reality in it I like writing stories too, to send to partner and get him in the mood....much more fun when you are the main characters! Good way for many whom are more shy to express some fantasies too...in a safe way. Link to comment
novaseeker Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 On the OP's situation, I'd say you are right to feel betrayed because he has broken his promise. I suspect, however, that even if he promises again not to look at porn, he will do so again. Under the circumstances it might be an issue of incompatibility in this area. My take on porn is that it is okay if it does not interfere in your real life relationship and intimacy. But both partners need to have more or less the same view about porn ... otherwise it's flirting with disaster, because in this day and age with the internet, porn is everywhere and if someone has a liking for it, he will look at it, reagrdless of whether he tells you. Sorry to hear this has caused you so much pain. It may be better for you to find a man who is also deadset against porn. Heavensent -- it's not true at all that porn is like cheating. It just isn't. Couples use porn to stimulate their sex lives ... I know I've done that in past relationships. The key is having both people who are on more or less the same page about porn, however, because otherwise it can become a really difficult issue. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 SDgirl1234, I think that the bigger issue her is not so much the porn, but the fact that he made a promise and then lied to you and broke that promise. Honestly, in my opinion, men who are really into porn usually don't change. If they have that need/addiction, then they will sneak and look at it no matter what. He already decided that porn was more important than his promise or being truthful to you. thereforeeee, his priorities are clear. I would strongly reconsider why you stay in this relationship when there is a severe level of incompatibility on this issue, which is a very important issue to you. BellaDonna Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 SDgirl1234, I think that the bigger issue her is not so much the porn, but the fact that he made a promise and then lied to you and broke that promise. Honestly, in my opinion, men who are really into porn usually don't change. If they have that need/addiction, then they will sneak and look at it no matter what. He already decided that porn was more important than his promise or being truthful to you. thereforeeee, his priorities are clear. I would strongly reconsider why you stay in this relationship when there is a severe level of incompatibility on this issue, which is a very important issue to you. BellaDonna Bingo, it is the lying and the incompatibilities that really need to be examined here. As initially said, it's not about whom is right...but about the honesty level, trust and respect.....if you were okay with it it would not be an issue. You already know he has lied once, and I would say he probably won't change then (especially as a subscriber). So I would approach it not expecting him too, and going your separate ways. Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 He already decided that porn was more important than his promise or being truthful to you. thereforeeee, his priorities are clear. I don't think the decision was as black and white as that. Porn can be addicting, because its offer of a quick release (yeah I'm a broken record). If he's not able to get that from his girlfriend, then he's going to instinctively go back to where he can get it. So why does he need to look at porn? I'm guessing because like all guys, he's horny enough to bone a soda machine, and looking at porn is a fast way to get his business done. Unless his need to look at porn is addressed, he wont be able to stop, even if he wanted to. I would strongly reconsider why you stay in this relationship when there is a severe level of incompatibility on this issue, which is a very important issue to you. Agreed. Link to comment
Steven1607307306 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 You need a compromise with this one, otherwise it will be a power struggle, that neither of you can back down on. Face it, if you tell him to quit, he probably won't, he has already proven that to you, and if you really love him you will be able to come up with an agreement. Maybe he shouldn't be using his credit card on sites, or if the problem is him getting off on other girls, you need to know that he isn't wishing you were one of them. A male's imagination takes him to another place, that can't really be explained to some women. Once we get are opened to the world of pornography, we are instantly facinated by it. Just know that he doesn't love them, he loves you, and just because he goes to those sites, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. I don't know if it's my place to say, but maybe you should spice up your sex life a little bit, that can widthdraw him from pornography, believe me, men would much rather have a hot sex life, than a sleezy porn site. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I remember your posts from a while back... wasn't there some girl that he was spending a lot of time with that he said was only a "friend" but he didn't make much time for you? Were those issues resolved? Link to comment
ScreenagerX Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Oh dear, this all sounds very familiar...................... Hey at least your not married & got kids involved. I myself got a little to involved in online pornography (just free stuff though) & am now seeking counselling to try & save my marriage Link to comment
Dako Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Spader, What's the main attraction? Escape, control..I wonder. Link to comment
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