had contact with ex....she called me...(long)

[Anthony M]

I called it!

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Whatever you do DO NOT CHASE! Let her call you, let her come to you. Continue flirting/talking with other girls on myspace and keep leaving innocent comments under girls' profiles!

[Dogg]

you all make great points! and yeah anthony m, you did call it! the problem that I have now is this: I want her to call, I want her to say all the nice things that I want to hear, but again, right now, she does not know that I have changed, how will she know? also, I want to ask her some questions about why, out of nowhere she cares who I talk to, I can and do understand why she cared about that one girl that started all those problems, but at the same time, that was so long ago. why all of a sudden did she decide to call me? should I ask her these things? I don't know what to do, I have truly realized so much since our breakup and i have healed a lot, not totally, but a lot, I'm not miserable, and I know that I have worth to other girls, but I want to have worth to her. I do not want to play games, thats not the right word, but I also do not want her to just again not talk to me. i layed it on the table, told her that I wanted to start talking again, not to even think about jumping back into things. is there maybe an email that I can write to her explaining this and other thoughts that will let her know that I was disturbed, that I understand, but that I don't get why she did it in the first place, why she was checking up on me, why, if she cares enough to look to see what I'm doing and who I'm talking to that there still must be something there.....I know that there is, and this as messed up of a situation as it is shows that there still is. right??????

[Anthony M]

She doesn't want you right now, but she also doesn't want any other girls to have you. She still believes you're her possession and it drives her crazy knowing that you talk to other girls. She never expected this and it's normal for her to react the way she did. In time she'll start accepting that your life doesn't revolve around hers any more and she'll eventually break.

 

She's starting to think and that's exactly where you want her!

[coooolsome]

I totally agree with Anthony M. Now the worst thing you can do is become available to her again. This will let her know that even if there are other girls, she is your number 1 priority. You do not want this.

[Dogg]

you guys are right I think. i just hope that she does begin to contact me again, it was really nice talking to her yesterday 9after all the bull * * * * of course). I miss her and none of the other girls come close to measuring up! I guess I will lay back and continue doing what I have been doing. I just hope that she calls or some thing....

[Dogg]

well after posting a lot yesterday f0or the first time in a while, I went and I had a long talk with one of my close friends sisters about the whoel situation. she basically said the same things that you all have been saying but she also said that it was a "good" thing that my ex had been looking at my myspace account because it shows that she still cares and that although it was really immature of her to "drunk dial" me that noe night, that it again shows that she still cares and is thinking about me. as I have stated before, I told her that I layed it on the line and left the door open for communication with my ex by saying 5that I would like to begin talking with her again. my friends sister said that I did te right hting and that now I just have to lay back and see what happens which is what I will do as I continue to go about my normal life. my question is this: am I reading to much into this whole thing? I mean I would obviously give the moon and stars for this girl and I know that I should not just be taking scraps from her in terms of contact and that is why I will not contact her again, but I do want her to contact me. Is there anything that I can do in order to make her continue to think about me and the thought of beginning contact again? is there anything that I can do to make her see that I have made major changes in my thinking and that things would not be the same way they once were between us and that I just want a chance to reeconnect with her and see how things pan out? anything at all?

[kellbell]

Good morning Dogg!

 

Believe me, she has not forgotten about you, you dated for 3 years...unless she had her labatomy, she has not forgotten and I am sure she cares. I still care about my ex's after we broke up but it never meant I wanted them back. It meant that I am a caring person and I am human and I just can't shut off feelings like a light switch, these things take time. I still care about my first boyfriend and we broke up 10 years ago...because we had something very special...but I would not take him back. You have to care enough about yourself too and your needs. And this is what your ex did by breaking up with you...there was something missing and she was not happy. It was only fair to her and you that she not continue with the relationship.

 

I am sure you guys down the line will have contact...I still talk to my ex's once in a great while (they call me) and it's good to catch up but during the conversation I am not thinking....hmmm....I think he wants me back. No, I am thinking we are two grown adults that are able to be civil and have a normal conversation even though we dated at one point. But this does not happen until months or even years after we broke up...that is why NC is so important. For you and your ex. Any kind of contact shortly after would give one another false hope and set each back...which has happened to you.

 

Dogg...I know you care about your ex and how she percieves you. But in all honesty, who cares how she sees you? She broke up with you...IMO..she should care how YOU percieve HER...and drunk dialing and throwing a tantrum would not score brownie points with me. Why are you excusing her behavior? Stop making excuses for for her....the sooner you do that the better off you will be. The best way to show her you have changed is to carry on with your life. In all honesty...she blew it by breaking up with you. I think someone else should be able to experience the positive changes you have made for yourself...not someone who broke up with you because there was something "missing." Break-ups are a part of life unfortunately. It happens to people everyday. It hurts, stinks...but sometimes pain and heartache is needed to grow, learn, and to change. If everything was all candy and roses...how would one grow and change? You wouldn't have any incentive to learn because everything is too easy. I don't think your ex has experienced enough pain and heartache to change because you and maybe others have been trying to rescue her. Not only do you have to change but she does too. IMO, I don't think she changed a bit. Leave her be...carry on with your life. I know this is very hard. Take care okay? Many hugs to you.

[Dogg]

kell bell,

I do not think that I excused her behavior the other night, she knows that i was very upset and angry to hear from her in that way and that I did not deserve it at all. On the other hand is there anything that I can do to again show her that what she did is not right and that i am not excusing it? probably not, I know....

anyway, after the time that we have spent apart, and the tme that I have spent healing and haging out with other girls, it has only made me rea;lize more and more how much I love her and how much I cherish her and miss her, noone compares to her. I tried the no contact thing for a while, tried the going out and moving on thing, tried the other girl thing, I just want her back. No is there anyone that may be able to give me a flipped perspective on all of this. I am kinda sick of taking the back seat approach to things (No contact) I think that it is time for me to maybe just step up to the plate and show her that I love her with all my heart and that I am willing to go through hell and high water to give her exactly what she wants and that I will fight for her, not just simply role over like a "dog" and let the love of my life pass me by becaus I was just simply being complacent about the situation. I do not want her to think that if I just fell into a well that I would make my home there ya know. I think that it may be time to step up to the plate and hit one out of the park, show her that she is my everything, try to begin again........please think about my situation for what it is and try to see it from the perspective that I am, and that is that I will never forgive myself if I just let this thing go knowing that I did nothing to change things for the better and to start over. can anyone give me any suggestions as to ways to do that whether you agree or not, I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do, whether I will do anything or just continue living my life, alone, but its come to the point where somehting has to change......please even if you do not agree with what I am saying, advice or suggestions on things are always helpful. I may just continue with NC, I don't know what I'm gnna do..................

[Dogg]

I do not at the same time want to push her away. I do think though that maybe just maybe, somehting good can come from her drunken anger and that good is that maybe we can begin talking again. should I just lay back and let her initiate this contact, or should I step it up and maybe invite her out for ice cream or something alnig those lines, not a date, just to talk and catch up

[Anthony M]

Just play it cool and continue on with your life. Do NOT call her! She is in the thinking stage right now. This is good.

[lonelyfish]

Great post Kellbell, your comments really sunk in for me!

[coooolsome]

Dogg, the situation is over, do not bring it up again. Its done and you do not need to say anything about what she did not being right. The past is the past, you said what you needed to say and she knows you didnt appreciate that. You need to keep moving forward. Continue no contact b/c you dont want her to think you are waiting for her b/c that is exactly what she wants. She wants the comfort of you being there without actually having to be with you.

 

You are better than 2nd place. You are better than a backup plan. You are better than a consolation prize.

 

You are reading to much into it. She does care about you and she thinks about you. Leave it at that for now b/c these things take a lot of time.

[Lady Bugg]

Sure Dogg, go ahead and ask her out for ice cream. ....this will basically tell her a couple things:

 

1) He's still pining over me

2) I can have him back at the drop of a hat..even in a drunken, raging, stupor.

 

3) I don't have to make ANY changes because he's willing to accept all the

responsibility.

 

PS....If you keep all these things in mind when asking her out for ice cream,

just be prepared for the consequences.

[Dogg]

hello again everyone,

ok, I have most definitly resolved to not contact her again (for now). I do not want her to be pushed farther away than she already is. I guess I am ok with that, ok with no contact again although it hurts more now knowing that she still thinks about me and apparently still cares, which is what I'm hoping all this really means.

 

A question that I do have which I suppose can be answered by anyone but more so I am particularly looking for a female response is this: If the things that I had wrote to her got her thinking, which she said that they had, so much so that she went onto myspace, searched for me, found me and literally must have scoured my page from top to bottom not once but at lest twice on two separate occasions, then called in a drunken angry, upset stuppor, does htis mean that she does in fact still care about me and was actually seriously thinking about what I had written to her? when she said that what made her angry is that I had been sending her these beautifully written letters and such that said that I "wanted to get back together with her" (they never actually stated that) while talking to someone who had played a major role in the destruction of our relationship and that that made her think that I was just playing her and talking out of my rear end, whats the deal with that? After clearing it up (I hope) that I had not been speaking with that one girl, do you think that she will take my request to begin speaking again seriously, if she was "thinking" already about what I had written. She did in fact say that she does miss me sometimes. Hoiw long will she "think" like this? even though I told her that it was up to her and that the ball was in her court on this, do you think she is in fact waiting form e to make the first move? do women find that chivalrous and do they still like to feel desired at tmes like this? I am going to lay low and see what happens with all this, but I'm not gonna say that I didn't kinda becom somewhat optomistic about the situation although I will not let myself run with that. Does anyone see hope here? does anyone see this as at least SOME effort by her to make contact as immature and childish as it may have been?

[Lady Bugg]

Dogg...

 

Different people are motivated by different things. Your "love" letter alone was apprently NOT what provoked her to contact you. It was her THINKING you might have the audacity to move on and talk to other women that motivated her to contact you..albeit her reasons were pretty pathetic, but we'll skip that part. I don't think she will be "moved' if you start pursuing her again..in fact I think she will become even more pompous in her position as the dumper here. With THIS particular girl, you need to be man enough to move on. She will not see it as "chivalrous" if you pursue her..she'll see it as weak.

 

I think what you were doing is EXACTLY what she needs to see from you.

You being strong and moving on. In fact....ESPECIALLY after that little incident...now that you KNOW she is reading this MySpace thing..the more women who post on there the better. You know why? Because number 1...you and she are NOT together....#2) Because it is good for YOU.

3) She is no longer in "control"...and this will prove it.

 

If you submit to her, that WILL be your demise in this relationship.

[Dogg]

good points lady bug, any other opinions and/or suggestions from the group?

[dwbh]

Hi Doug,

I really feel your pain as I am going through the same thing except I'm the girl and he wanted to break up with me and be "friends" and I decided that was too painful and initated NC. My opinion- she's afraid you're moving on and she has no right to be especially since she dumped you. But that doesn't nesscessarily mean she wants you back. Should you contact her? Eh...I'm kind of debating that one, but it seems this whole forum is sold on this NC theory and if its worked for many people...maybe it is the way to go. But there is no set formula for love and relationships. I think you know your ex and you understand the relationship best so I think in the end you need to decide whether its the best thing but to also think of the consequencs. But also think- what if u do contact her (maybe that's all she wanted) she knows u are thinking of her and it will give her the satisfaction to walk away again.

 

This is only my 3rd day with no contact and already its killing me- and I'm really debating whether I've pushed him away myself. But I have to keep reminding myself that he's told me "We can't be together" and as soon as I remember those words... I remember why I am doing it. BUT it does drive me crazy and I've even debated whether I should have explained why I chose to go cold turkey...many in the forum have suggested he doesn't deserve an explanation....in the end it will be my decision....I believe we have shared a lot together....8 years ...

[Dogg]

I justy know one thing and one thing only, that is:

 

I have so many regrets right now as is when it comes to ur relationship and things and fights from the past that in the position that I am in now, I have more or less had complete NC for two and a half months and th other night was the firsat time that I actually heard her voice the entire time, If I just lay down and let this thing go for good, I will regret it forever! This girl is my soul mate, the love of my lief, and I know that in any ways I am the same to her, we were just headed on a path of destruction that needed to stop. I took the NC route because I was totally destroyed in side that she could do this to me and to us, but I did NC anyway. I moved on, I dated other girls, I went out, I spent time with friends,

I did everything that I could have done. You know what I realized, I realized more and more that I loved her and that she was the world to me and that I missed her terribly and that noone compared to her. How can I let that go? How can I let that go knowing that she still cares, and is still thinking about me? how will I ever live with myself knowing that I let her pass me by? what do I do?

[coooolsome]

Want to know how to let it go? Well anything you do will let her know she has control over you. That means that she never has to make a decision and can keep you waiting. You told her how you felt. She knows. The past is the past and all you can do is learn from it and not make the same mistakes. How did you get her in the first place? It wasnt with confessions of how much you love her. It was by being yourself, not needing her and you dont. Dont ever think that you need someone because you dont.

[Dogg]

its not at all that I ever said that I need her, its that I want her, she made me very happy and we were very good together, very volitile at times, but very good together. I miss her, plain and simple. I want her back, I've tried the rest, now I want the best and that is what she is. I have come so far in this healing process that I can admit honestly that this Breakup may have been for the best cause we could not continue the way that we were going, it wasn't right. But, now after doing what she asked and giving her her space and time and doing the same for myslef, it has just brought me back full circle and I realize that she is the one for me!

[kellbell]

Hi Dogg!

 

There are more than one soulmates out there for us..not just one. There will be other love of your life's. If you and your ex were meant to be together....well you would be together. None of this nonsense would be happening.

 

It's ok to miss her, it's ok to still care, it's ok that she still cares...but it's not enough to carry on in this relationship. You are not allowing yourself to experience the whole grieving process. Let yourself grieve...without her in your life. There are no time limits on how long it will take you to heal...it depends on you. As soon as you realize your ex is not the person you thought she is...the better off you will be. You are in love with what COULD have been and not what IS. We always mourn the person who didn't exist. If she was the person you thought...she would have never broken up with you, she would not have this hold on you...would have never called you in a drunken stupor and have a tantrum... gave those pitiful excuses as to why she called you the other night sh*&^faced...then say your whole relationship was a sham...or even a few months ago when she called you and cussed you out...I know she called back to apologize...but still. How many times is she going to pull this and call back and say she is sorry? It's time to accept the kind of person she truly is and realize she was not the one for you. The sooner you do this the easier it will be to heal and move on.

 

You are not giving yourself a chance...or a break. Take as much time you need. Grieving takes time and everyone works on their own timeline.

[Dogg]

I'm not sure that its time to heal that I need. Believe me, I feel much better than I did in the beginning of the breakup. I just want a chance to show her that things can and will be different. Oh well, I left it up to her. I told her that I would love to begin talking again, so far she has not initiated any sort of contact with me since the talk that we had on sunday evening. I guess that right now, there is just nothing that I can do. If anyone has any suggestions as to some thing that I CAN do, a note, email, phone call, text then please let me know. also, how do you know if NC is truly the way to go? Maybe, just maybe, she is waiting for me to contact her....pathetic I know but it is possible. anyway, If she was so interested in what I was doing, and so upset by the fact that I MAY have been talking to that one girl in particular, then why does she not want to talk to me?

[kellbell]

Good morning Dogg!

 

She is not contacting you because she does not care enough to call. I am sure she cares about you to some extent but apparently not enough to call. Let's not forget who broke up with whom here. She is only interested in your life like that is because people have a hard time dealing with the ex moving on. It takes her power away. I mean she is the one who broke up with you, she has been calling all the shots but when you take control of your life, she's "whoa wait a minute..." It's not love or a sign of wanting you back...it's called jealousy.

 

There is nothing you can do...no texting, no notes, emails, flowers, etc. Let it be. I think deep down you know NC is the best thing but for whatever reason, on the surface you won't admit it, you are fighting it.

 

Hang in there Dogg, you are doing great.

[Dogg]

to kellbell and all the others who have came to me with kind words and helpful advice that I may or may not have taken, I appreciate your help and honesty. I do not know what I will do now, maybe stay in NC and wait, maybe not, but one thing that I do know is that without all of you I would have lost my mind a long time ago, thank you from the bottom of my broken heart!

 

Ladies, this is for you:

[coooolsome]

What about me???