think i messed up

[sweetharmony]

I've recently moved back to NYC after 9 years in FL and have been stressed out by the move. but i've been making new friends, etc... and trying to establish my roots again.

 

I started dating a guy back in November who is great. we have so many interests, life goals, similar values, same ideas about religion, upbringing, background, etc... i just moved (i'm 27 will be 28 this year) and of course I want to meet the one!! he's too good to be true, but we both decided to take it slow b/c we wanted this to last. he even told me he's not looking toplay around. he's been wonderful to me. I even met his family, friends, etc... well, one problem. he hadn't kissed me until our fifth date. at that point, i was starting to feel uncomfortable-waiting and it was just awful timing. and i had just met his parents and he is already asking me to go to Israel with him in June. I got freaked b/c I thought, oh my gosh. this can't be it. so i gave him the "i;m confused let's be friends for now speech" I was afraid, scared anbd right now, I want to have fun and make friends, considering I just moved here. I was afraid of losing my identity again and becoming enmeshed in a person. i made a mistake b/c i miss him. so, i invited him to an art show last night. we had a great time and the attraction is there again. but now, he's cautious and wants to be friends. gosh, why did i start the game playing??? it's so childish. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I meet a guy who's ready for commitment....and with me and he's not playign games. I trust this is my gut and now i blew it b/c i'm childish. he want to continue to see where things gow, but now the tables have turned. now i have to be the one putting all the effort in, when he was the one calling me every day at work and coming up with surprise dates and inviting me for dinner with his family. i know it should be equal, but i feel now it's all on me. how do i redeem myself without chasing him

[Dannysgirl]

Why don't you just be totally honest and tell him what you told us here or even better send him the link to this topic so he can see for himself?

 

I'm sure that once he see's how torn up you are and how you feel like you've messed up big time he'll be willing to give you another chance. Its only natural to be a bit scared at the beginning of a new relationship, just tell him you got a little scared because things were moving so fast and maybe you can get back together but just take things a little slower?

[Derek]

yeah you messed up.

 

I wonder that he feels the trust is broken from the first time you rejected him. Only time will let him rebuild the trust he had but it will never be quite the same. Were talking months here...

 

I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

Move on to the next guy that's ready for family and commitment. There are 1000s of fish in the sea right? (sarcasm)

 

 

 

P.S. I've been the guy on the other side of this situation and I am still bothered by the loss of potential for such a weak reason in my opinion.

If the person was meant to be, individuality wouldn't need to be lost, it could be supported and cultivated and grown even more. Communication could have solved the fear.

[sweetharmony]

derek, you really think it's over? should i move on? it's not like i cheated or anything. i just needed a little time to sort my feelings. and he understood that or so i thought. i'm willing to fess up to my mistakes...i've ben in long-term relationships (4 1/2 years) and I'm kinda scared. but i'm about to lose something great. don't people make mistakes. it was just that i needed some time. it was going fast and i needed a breather. when i commit, i commit. is the trust really so broken? we haven't even got to know one another yet.

[Ms Omaniac]

ugggh...unfortunately...you messed up. you got what youve always wanted and then that scared you. you backed away...and hopefully not too far.

what you need to do is as much damage control as you can to try and salvage your relationship.

derek brought up a good point.. communication would have fixed this immediately. maybe it can now but it will take a lot longer to get to the point you ONCE had. you prob scared this guy. you need to talk to him AND then prove to him youre sincere. it will take a lot of redundant reassuring on your part but it will be worth it in the long run. try and talk to him...reassure him...take it slow...but communication is the key to make this possibly work.

good luck.

[Dannysgirl]

derek, you really think it's over? should i move on? it's not like i cheated or anything. i just needed a little time to sort my feelings. and he understood that or so i thought. i'm willing to fess up to my mistakes...i've ben in long-term relationships (4 1/2 years) and I'm kinda scared. but i'm about to lose something great. don't people make mistakes. it was just that i needed some time. it was going fast and i needed a breather. when i commit, i commit. is the trust really so broken? we haven't even got to know one another yet.

 

Yes you did mess up but telling you what you 'should have done' is hardly going to help things now is it? Everybody makes mistakes and you have made yours it shouldn't be too late to salvage this relationship you just need to be completely honest with this guy and tell him exactly how you feel and why you behaved as you did. If you do those things and show how remorseful you feel I would think you will be able to re-build your relationship.

[Beec]

Don't tell this guy how much you want him. OK, he backed off when you rejected him, and since then has been cautious. Once bitten, twice shy.

 

I think you need to be vague in your message to him. No, I want you to chase me, etc. More like, I regret what I said. And that's it. Otherwise, have fun with him.

 

Dates that are fun cover over manner problems. Sure you need to deal with them sooner or later, but if now is not the time, HAVE FUN. Call him up tomorrow and take him bowling or shooting pool. (Ask if you need a suggestion as to where). Compete a little, talk trash in a flirting manner, etc. Have fun, and things will feel better.

 

But the regret what you said message would be good. It's not telling him how you feel, it's hinting at it. Just vague enough.

[sweetharmony]

thanks for the replies. day by day i guess. we'll see what happens. i guess he needs to know i'm for real. he told me last night. he wants to be with a girl who will love him and not question her feelings. i don't blame him for pulling away. i just hate being the pursuer now. i'm afraid since i am oursuing him, he'll lose interest-like all guys do.

[Derek]

I think Beec's advice is good. Try that out.

 

I guess there is still hope, but it's a small hope...

 

=)

[Belle]

I totally agree with Beec's advice. If you don't gush your feelings but suggest that you made a mistake and still add the element of fun and flirting, if he really likes you he'll come back around. He'll probably pursue you once he feels more secure. I don't think it's irrevocable, but it depends on how well you fit the ideal of what he's looking for.

[Msnak]

There could be a chance, but don't get your hopes up and be prepared to be patient, and maybe persistent.

 

Something similar happened with me, where instead of being pursued, I had to start pursuing. Hated that, it's not my nature, because it makes me feel as if the guy hasn't made me a priority anymore, which = relationship over. But in my case, sometimes the guy gets frustrated or shy.

 

Just apologize sincerely, give him space, time, but do let him know you're still interested.

[sweetharmony]

okay, update. i think he's still intereted. I'm giving him space.

 

the communication lines are back open. he's being receptive, but cautious. i'm staying positive-no games and i'm going to be more equal. we haven't made firm plans-as he is a doctor and worked overnight last night. so hopefully when we talk today as we planned, we'll set something yp. usually, he does all the planning-all our dates were surpriseshe went all out to amke them special, but this time, i'd like to surprise him since I really haben't reciprocated much yet. should I cook him dinner-or b/c we're still in friends zone, should I just make it less romantic and let things play out? or should i let him take the lead and offer something. I want him to know I'm serious but not overly eager and desperate. i've been keeping our discussion lighthearted and fun like beec said-no discussion of where are we or we are we going. i'll let him take the lead but also show equal footing.

[Msnak]

I would suggest...show him what you're worth. What are you good at? What hobbies of yours might he find interesting?

 

Don't hide what makes you -- you. Let him see that wonderful side of you. That's something I've been learning more and more to do.

 

I was talking to a 43-year-old bachelor today, he said he likes it when a lady has her act together, shows class, doesn't mind nurturing a guy a bit, and doesn't mind asking for help when necessary.

 

Not sure if it helps, but he's spectacular, just a workaholic who just awoke in his life and said, "gee, a woman to share life with would be great."

 

We traded advice, and basically I told him that it seems men like it when a woman will take the lead every now and then. He agreed!

 

So, take the lead for a bit, see what happens! Good luck!!

[Beec]

should I cook him dinner-or b/c we're still in friends zone, should I just make it less romantic and let things play out? or should i let him take the lead and offer something. I want him to know I'm serious but not overly eager and desperate. i've been keeping our discussion lighthearted and fun like beec said-no discussion of where are we or we are we going. i'll let him take the lead but also show equal footing.

 

Suggest something that is just plain fun. Go, have a good time, and LAUGH. Anything will do, but something you can do, if you suggest it, but don't be an ace at it. Let's say you play golf, go to a driving range, bowling, shoot pool, whatever. It should be fun. Men bond by doing things too, not talking.

 

Then if you have fun, are flirty, and act just a little aloof, watch how fast he comes after you.

 

When he does, then you can show him a different side and cook.

[fishrrshortae]

Take him on surprise dates. Be attentive and thoughtful, and if he seems one hundred percent responsive, tell him you want a chance for something real. He sounds great ... go get him!