5 1/2 months pregnant and alone

[colleen1534]

My husband and I were married in May of 2005. That's right we are still newlyweds. We got pregnant in July and in October he wanted a divorce. He lost a child 5 years ago (she was a premie). I have filed for divorce but I am unsure if I can go through with it. He has agreed to give me sole custudy of the baby but I feel like my life is over. He insists that there is no one else, he tells me that I don't know how to love a man, yet we were together for three years and he never once conplained. I have tried to get him to give it a chance to see what happens if we both try to fix things and he has no interest in that. He is mean and hurtful even though the one doctors appt. he went with me to he heard the Dr. say that I needed a stressfree pregnancy because of my high blood pressure. Two days later he told me how unhappy he was. I have told him that if he can't be there for me now how is he going to be there for our child and he has no answer for me. He doesn't want anything to do with the pregnancy but he want to be able to see the baby whenever he wants. Someone please help what do I do I still love hime very much and he tells me that he loves me and the baby, how can he and leave at the same time?

[StarBrite]

Hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially among the circumstances. It sounds like to me, he wants his cake and eat it too. Meaning, he wants to be free but have you and the baby there whenever he decides to feel like being a man once and a while. Because honestly, right now he's not acting very mature about the situation at all. Have you thought about going and getting family counseling? It's a long shot but could help. I'm wondering if perhaps the thought of something going wrong scares him to the point he wants to block everything and anything to do with the pregnancy and baby out of his mind so he doesn't have to go through the hurt again.

 

Perhaps sitting down and discussing things a little further with him and suggesting the counseling. If he still won't budge then theres not much more you can do. Try to surround yourself with friends and family and get out and do things with them to help take your mind of things, or even to talk and get them out to help keep your stress level down. My heart goes out to you. Good Luck sweety.

[colleen1534]

He has agreed to counseling but has only gone once and if I try to talk to him about any of this he gets mad and screams at me. He wants to be able to call and talk to me like we are just friends and that there is no baby and like there was never a marriage. Thanks for you advise.

[sonjam]

Sounds to me like he got a fright, realising all of a sudden there are PRIORITIES and RESPONSIBILITIES to being a husband and a parent. You are in quite a pickel, but you sound like a strong and level headed girl, you will make it through this. First things first, try and stall the divorce, and have the baby, how about you take action once all that is off your shoulders?

[karen95]

i was not married but i was with a guy for 2 years and i got pregnant and he left. i know that i didnt have to deal with divorce as well. but at that time i thought my life was over. i was close to commiting suicide. i was pregnant with a baby i didnt plan for, my partner had left me.

 

but that completely changed. i had the baby and it was the best thing that ever happened me. i got over him, over time and now i am a much stronger person than i was before i met him. i know its hard, and you probably cannot see past tomorrow but you will come out of this a much stronger and better person.

[theantibarbie23]

Grrrrrrrrr......... I don't understand for the life of me how any man with an ounce of integrity or any human emotions at ALL could just not care about the fact that they are seriously hurting the woman they promised to love and, not to mention, the unborn child that they helped to create just because they don't feel like "being a responsible adult".

 

I don't think there are very many other things that disgust me as much as the type of coward that can't look past his own selfishness and abandons his wife because he doesn't want to grow up during a time when she needs him so desperately to be there for her. To me that is total treachery. It is soulless.

 

I don't know how old you are but see if you can stay with your family for awhile, they can help you take care of a newborn and you don't need to stay in an empty house that is a reminder of him until your baby is born. Plus they can be the ones to answer the phone and take messages from him. There is NO need to talk to him anymore at this point. He is just stressing you out more.

 

He wants to talk to as a friend? Well let him call a friend then. Seriously, this is not the time for friendly conversation. Don't give him the opportunity to have what he wants on his terms. He doesn't deserve to have you as a friend or anything else. He is treating you like an old ragdoll that he tossed to the side of the road.

 

Make sure you get papers for child support before you even think about divorce papers and such. This is the one thing you NEED to have ready once the baby comes. If this guy is half the irresponsible jerk that he sounds like, he may to try to get out of paying anything for his child before there is an order in place. He may even start making accusations that it's not even his.

 

After all, the longer he can remain in total denial over his actions and responsiblities, the less he has to deal with the reality of the situation.

 

I'm sorry this post is so long. One of my best friends was eight months pregnant when her husband decided to become peter pan and moved to another country. Your post just really got to me because I saw first hand how it devastates a woman, down to her very core.

 

Wouldn't life be so much easier if people came with warning labels?

[RayKay]

Colleen,

 

I am so sorry to hear this, this is heartbreaking

 

For some reason, it seems very often that pregnancy seems to be a "high risk" time for affairs, breakups and/or divorces. Maybe too much reality, too many hormones, too much pressure, I don't know, but I know many whom this has happened too. When my own mother was 7 months along with my youngest sister, my bio dad decided he was not ready for a family anymore either (after already having two kids!). She did it alone, raised us, worked, went to school, and met my stepfather a while later whom has now been with us for 20+ years! And he's awesome to her!

 

It's heartwrenching. I am very curious as to why he would say "you don't know how to love a man"...not to cause more issues, but that makes me wonder if there is someone else.

 

Unfortunately, you cannot make someone work at something when they don't want to do it. It sounds like for some reason he is resentful, angry, and I am not sure why. You may never know why either.

 

I think the best thing you can do, is to contact some family and friends and see if they can be there for you right now, or even if you can go stay with them. You need the support right now, and to take care of yourself and that baby. I would also contact yourself a lawyer and start protecting yourself. Do absolutely let him be a father to that baby, but he also has to realize that he made his choice, and he can't just pop in whenever he wants either. I am surprised he agreed to sole custody if that is what he believes, and I would not be surprised if he changes his mind on that, so get a lawyer. That baby absolutely should have both of you in his/her life even if you are apart, so try not to let your distance from one another keep you and him from being there for the child.

 

I don't know what is wrong with him, but you need to take care of yourself, and him screaming at you is not good for your stress levels. Limit contact with him, get a lawyer, get your family & friends around you and focus on being there for yourself and this child.

 

Hugs,

 

RayKay

[jadencierrasmom]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was alone during both my pregnancys and I feel for you. For some reason my husband and I alway broke up right before I knew I was pregnant. I tried to get back together when my first was a year and a half, and we stayed together until right before I found out I was pregnant with my second. She is now 4 months old and we are better off without him. I care for him, but he is not even able to take of himself. What ever happens you will be fine and you can do it alone, believe me if I can you can. No I didn't have any family or anyone to help.

Best luck to you and your baby.

[BellaDonna]

colleen12534,

 

I too am sorry that you have to go through this. I agree with the others that you sound like a very strong person. That is going to be the key to getting through this.

 

Who else is there in your life for support? Parents? Family? Friends? As much as I hate to say it- I think you need to give up on your husband right now and rely on more stable people and resources. He may come back around or he may not- but regardless, you need to do what's best for YOU and this baby now. That means surrounding yourself with loving, caring, supportive people.

 

There may even be a supprot group for women in your situation that you can become a part of.

 

I know it sounds terrible- but if you think of the worst case scenerio- (i.e. he decides 100% that he wants to leave and totally shuts you out of his life) you will still be OK. I know it's hard to imagine, but believe me, you can do it. Unfortunately there are so many women left in your predicament, and they get through somehow. I think the love for the child is what drives them. I have a feeling that no matter what, you will rise to the occasion and be an excellent mother.

 

Right now you have to focus on taking care of yourself, preparing for the new baby, and spending your time with those that love and support you unconditionally- it's too bad that it's not your husband right now. If he chooses to act so foolishly- it is his loss in the end.

 

I agree that you might want to hold off on stressful divorce prodceedings until after the baby is born. But be sure to determine what your rights are financially- because he should be helping financially- regardless of how irresponsible he is in his head.

 

 

BellaDonna

[PrincessLinzay]

Oh hun! I am so sorry that you are going through this, especially alone. I am currently 9 months pregnant and can't imagine the stress and pain you must be feeling. Pregnancy is so draining and to have to deal with all this on top is so unfair.

 

Know that no matter what, you're going to get through this. Keep taking care of yourself and your little one, you and the baby come first.

 

Post on here a lot, these people are great comfort. > I wish there was more I could do to ease your pain, but I know words are hollow right now. Feel free to PM me anytime.

[hosswhispra]

Colleen,

 

Your husband has a really different view on what love is. Did you and your husband discuss having children prior to your marriage? Did he tell you why he was unhappy in the marriage (is it only because he found out you are expecting his child)?

 

My sister and her husband lost their first child over 7 years ago. Their marriage has been rocky, too. Could it be that he is worrying about how your pregnancy will go (because his first child died--and the relationship with the mother of his first child did not work) and does not know how to deal with his feelings regarding your pregnancy?

 

You are in my prayers.

hosswhispra