Help me restore my faith - are there really many decent guys out there?

[MissJones]

I'm 29 and I've been single for 5 years. Most of those years were by choice after a very painful breakup.

 

However, I seem to be finding myself in situations where I end up with duds. Duds who love my company and compliment me until the cows come home and then voila! Throw sex into the mix and they start acting like total jerks. It's almost like their goal was to sleep with me and once they do it's "see ya later!"

 

Most recently, a friend of mine, who I've known for a few years has offered his company to me (ie to watch DVD's, hang out etc) if I ever want to. Yes, we have sex too but it's reached a point where I don't think he treats me with the respect I deserve and I've had enough. Throw another single girl into the mix and I fade into the background. It's very hurtful because I thought we were friends and we both know we've been through hell in the past. His behaviour towards me is erratic and inconsistent.

 

Anyway, what I'd really like to know is this: are there lots of guys out there who are looking for a decent girl? Guys who won't look at a girl as bum and boobs and a potential shag? Guys who would love to get to know you as not just a pretty face but as someone who loves to have a good conversation, someone who loves to go out and chill out and who kicks butt at Texas Hold 'em? Hehe.

 

I'm not looking for The One. Just some mutual respect and someone who's stable and who wants my company without wondering who else could be out there. It's really getting me down. I can't tell you how much I crave company and some affection and this situation with my friend has made it even harder for me now. I'm very down-to-earth with a lot to offer but I feel like guys just don't care.

[DN]

But if they only give love and affection if sex is withheld that is not real feelings it is just manipulation.

 

Check the forums on here and see the number of posts from men who do want love and affection and can't find it. You will find that, contrary to the stereotype, most men want those things as well as sex.

[melrich]

Yes I am constantly surprised by all the posts inhere that talk about all these men out there that just want to get laid.

 

I'm with DN. Maybe I live in a strange little bubble but I don't know any male person who, if guy to guy, you asked what are you looking to get out of meeting a woman, would say "sex".

 

I'm not naive enough to think they don't exist, i just don't see them in the plague proportions they seem to be in from posts in here.

 

I don't know, maybe it is the age group I am in but it's really just something I've not encountered.

[DN]

How many young women would want a relationship that had love and affection but no sex? Men should not have to 'work' for sex any more than women should. It should be a mutual desire, same as for love and affection.

[fantasia2004]

Well which do you prefer, men with benefits as in sexual buddies? Or without sexual relations and remaining platonic?

 

What is your preference?

 

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know what you want.

 

Have you communicated that to your so called suitors or does your requests go silent without ever being heard of what you really want?

 

Tell them and if they can't or choose not to hear you then move on to someone else.

[fantasia2004]

yes there are true decent men out there but we women really have to speak up more for a preference and what we want.

[fantasia2004]

Not many WANT that. But many women would wait for sex until they have a good enough idea that the "love and affection" is for real. How do they tell that? By his actions.

 

But in todays society, girls don't wait long enough before having sex with the guy because there's an enormous pressure and women are afraid the guy won't wait around long enough, knowing he can easily go next door.

 

God, that is so true!

[melrich]

Maybe guys don't tell the truth to each other?

 

No its really got nothing to do with that because it is not a question that I have ever out and out asked. It is about what you know of your friends through their discussions of what they want in their lives and the experiences you share with them.

 

If anyone in my "group" was going around and meeting women to have sex with them and then leaving them...well...it just would not be tolerated. I don't really know how to explain this properly other than to say it just isn't behaviour I've experienced (since I turned 20 anyway) and is so alien to the way the guys I know behave.

 

So I am perfectly happy to accept that maybe my world is unusual or that there are male cultures out there where it is more the norm to chase after women just for sex, but I'll say again it does constantly surprise me that this thing is so prevalent.

[MissJones]

I have no problem with meeting a guy, enjoying his company and having sex sometimes. That's how a lot of relationships develop. Even if nothing develops, that's fine because not everything is going to lead to a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. It's all trial and error. I have a problem feeling like I'm a last resort.

 

I think too, that my problem is getting involved with guys who make you feel like they only have eyes for you when really, their eyes are always wandering hoping to find their next conquest.

 

I get so frustrated with people being inconsistent in their behaviour and feeling like you can't always approach them when you feel like it. My FWB is giving such mixed signals. One minute I feel like he really wants my company then the next minute I feel like he couldn't give a damn, especially when he acts so hot and cold towards me. I've always considered him one of my closest guy friends but now I'm not so sure. Even though we have sex sometimes, I respect him just the same. But I don't think he does me.

[DN]

I have to agree with melrich. This popular and increasingly sexist view of men that they are driven by testosterone and are only interested in sex is not in tune with reality. And the idea that a man can get sex easily is also not true. Again - read some of the posts on here by lonely men looking for a good relationship and you will see my point. You don't see many posts from men saying 'why can't women just want sex without all the relationship stuff".

[raineysong]

I spent half of my life in a miserable relationship that left me feeling empty inside. One day, when I certainly wasn't "actively" looking, I met this incredible man. At first, I didn't want to believe it, and it took a lot of persistence on his part just to convince me to have lunch with him. I kept telling myself that he just wasn't my type. However, the more I got to know him, the more I fell in love with him. He turned out to be everything in a man I had ever dreamt of, wanted, or needed. He's my best friend, fills my emotional, mental, and physical needs in ways I never thought possible. That was over 4 years ago. We are still together, and still very much in love. He still meets my emotional needs and he knows that when he does, it just means that I'm all the more willing to fill his sexual needs. My point is that "yes," it is possible to find a decent man who can fulfull your needs, including the emotional needs. Maybe you just have to stop trying so hard to find Mr. Right and let 'him' find 'you.' I think my mate, just like me, was at a point where we had experienced so much of the bad that we could truly appreciate a good, healthy relationship. Don't give up, and make sure you aren't looking in the wrong places. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!

[DN]

But - the FWB deal is an arrangement that both partners enter into - freely. If you wanted something different then perhaps you should not have got invlolved with him on that basis. Surely, you are the one being inconsistent? If you want the relationship to change and he does not, why does that make him the bad guy?

[MissJones]

I think it's unfortunate that my FWB, who I've always considered someone as open, honest and respectful of me, has frustrated me so much. I think that's why I've lost some faith in guys because I believed him to be someone I can trust. Why does sex have to change things?

[melrich]

I don't think it's necessarily something spoken.

 

Read my post again. I would never rely on the spoken word, I specifically said "and the experiences I share with them". That is being with them, that is going out with them. That includes buck's nights, boy's nights, boys weekends away etc. never have I seen or heard of anyone having sex with a woman, let alone pick one up, in any of these circumstances.

 

And before I get howled down, yes the girl's have their nights out and weekends away too.

 

I know you might want it to be as you say it is but it's just not in the people I associate with. Again i am not saying that it is not the norm elsewhere. It's just not my experience.

[DN]

Don't like the theory much. Sounds too dismissive and contemptuous of men in general and I think has no basis in reality for most men and probably for most women.

[MissJones]

But - the FWB deal is an arrangement that both partners enter into - freely. If you wanted something different then perhaps you should not have got invlolved with him on that basis. Surely, you are the one being inconsistent? If you want the relationship to change and he does not, why does that make him the bad guy?

It's not that I want the relationship to change because I don't. He's just so hot and cold with me and I'm always consistent with him. Maybe I just don't do FWB well. He gives me the cold shoulder when there's another single girl thrown into the mix - won't talk to me in the same way that he usually does. In fact, he'll hardly acknowledge me, which I think is really disprectful and rude. I never do that to him. I treat him the same every time I see him, regardless of who's around- and no - I don't smother him or hang off him. I treat him like I've always treated him. It's like he wants me when it suits him only. I just want a 2-way street. He'll pay other people attention and spend plenty of time in conversation with them but when it comes to me, he doesn't even look at me and will only have a deep conversation with me when there's no one else around.

 

FWB is not healthy for me but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on relationship. I'm looking for an ideal situation in an unideal moment.

[MissJones]

My guess is that you're right---you don't do the FWB well. That's to your credit that you don't, btw. Many people don't play that role well. That's why it's such a stupid trend. No, we didn't used to have FWB's when I was growing up. People pretty much dated or didn't. That's it.

I think that dating's a much safer option, particularly emotinally. I really believe that my FWB situation has dampened my faith in the opposite sex. It's my fault too. Dating won't get you in too deep and mess with your head so much.

 

The blurring of relationship/roles in the last few decades has done nothing but cause problems. I won't do an FWB. definitely doesn't work for me. I had an ex b/f talk me into that sort of thing once and never again.

I definitely won't do FWB again either. Blurring is the key word. You can't even really make boundaries can you? It's like you do most things that a couple would - snuggle on the lounge, have long chats, have sex...but you're not actually a couple. I'm starting to wonder what the whole point of that is? It's definitely where things can get blurred.

 

As an FWB, you sorta have to accept what he's giving you now. Why do you want that?

I don't want that. FWB is more stressful than having a boyfriend. There's no exclusivity to being a FWB, which makes it tougher and which also heightens feelings of rejection. FWB definitely plays with your ego in an unhealthy way. I don't want him as a boyfriend, yet I want to be able to ring him whenever I feel like it without worrying if he's in a bad mood or if he just doesn't want to be with me tonight. Being an FWB also puts you in the position where if they pay more attention to someone else and decide they don't want to spend as much time with you, it can affect your self-esteem.

 

I can't speak for men, but many women don't want to have sex with a guy and then have him ignoring her the next day---or looking at someone else. Yet, that is what a FWB entails.

Damn right. Even though I may not want a relationship with the guy, I would still never ignore him the day after. My FWB has never ignored me the day after but he has ignored me when there's been other girls around. Something I don't think would be happening if we weren't FWB's (or that I wouldn't notice half as much if we weren't FWB's).

 

It just sucks when you crave company and physical affection and they're the only one available to you right now. It takes a lot of strength to say 'no'.

[darkblue]

Yeah, I KNOW! I recently met a guy who's very attractive and has a great body.But....he's recently divorced

 

And they call us shallow!!

Hmph.

[mgirl]

Well, i was just having this coversation with a buddy the other night over the phone, saying that people these days, regardless of gender, are after a quick fix and are in such a hurry that they do not stick around for long enough to really get to know you, because they think there is always something else on the horizon!

 

Two pieces of advice:

 

1. Perhaps withold sex until you have a commitment out of him or until you are sure he is not just another fly-by

 

or

 

2. Try finding older men. Perhaps by then, sex is not as important to them as it is to guys in their 20s. That is not to say older guys do not crave sex\\ but my point is that they might be a bit more discerning and not so eager to check out what is on the horizon.

[MissJones]

Yeah, I KNOW! I recently met a guy who's very attractive and has a great body. But....he's recently divorced and he wants to "play" for awhile. I told him "sorry". He says he still wants to hang out and do stuff (like ice skating). We're supposed to next week. We'll see what happens....but my answer will still be "no".

Hmm, the fact that he wants to "play" for a while isn't a good indicator of something that will be healthy for you. There's always the chance of getting in too deep and kicking yourself because you knew from the start he wanted to just "play". Even ice skating with him could blur your judgement and lead you to want more than he does.

 

I never realised how important physical touch is. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to flip it. Just to have someone play with my hair, rub my stomach or back....and look where that's got me! I have an overwhelming lack of physical affection in my life, except with my FWB. Maybe I'll book myself in somewhere for a nice, relaxing, hour-long massage.

[darkblue]

I have been in the situation whereby I have had a woman pester me for sex - and I declined.

Does that make me female?

Holding out?..

Just plain abnormal?

[darkblue]

Hey, I was making a point that although the guy is nice looking, that it's not enough.

But if he wasn't recently divorced - it would be all good!!

[mgirl]

I dunno about that. There's a lot of older men just after a non committed relationship too.

 

Really? That was me being naively idealistic.

 

When do you think guys settle down?

[mgirl]

i love it (that was referring to older man trying to be younger, 20 years divorced post)

[KweenofDenyl]

I hereby solemnly swear to stop assuming all men are only after "one thing"...

...just as soon as all men stop assuming that all women are either after their money or looking for a daddy for their kids.