So is THAT how they come back?

[nataliejulie]

I was debating whether or not I should have updated on my situation... but it's been on my mind ever since it happened and I would appreciate your advice to what maybe this was all about.

 

 

During my period of NC, I healed tremendously. The NC lasted from the beginning of November till mid December. Towards the end of December, I was at the point of acceptance. I figured, I have tried everything, I have given all my effort, there is nothing I can do and I'm not really sure anymore if he was worth it.

 

What really boosted me out of this slump was that I've been going out again, regularly with new friends. I even met a guy that I was actually interested in. The night we met, we were with a bunch of friends, dancing, having a good time... and it dawned on me. I was happy. I really like my new friends. (They are actually really OLD friends that I just reconnected with) I really liked how I was feeling. And that particular night, when I spent a decent amount of time with this guy, I realized that I was comfortable. My ex, rarely made me feel comfortable (except when we were alone). I always felt like I had to impress him, that I had to differ myself from what I really was. And I just can't be with someone who isn't right for the person I really am. I was over it. Finally.

 

 

Until I spoke to the ex.

 

 

On New Years Eve, I found out that he would be attending the same event I was. I know for sure that he didn't know I was attending until I texted him. I texted him with, "Listen, I am going to ___ tonight, I don't want any drama. You don't even like the people who are holding this party (he really didn't, during our whole relationship, I wasn't even allowed to hang out with them) I would really appreciate it if you maybe change your plans." Texting went back and forth, first he was playing dumb that he didn't know what party I was talking about, then I became even more frustrated, I just called him (after 10 text messages, I think it's good to just use a phone!)

 

We talked for 45 minutes. Twenty minutes of that 45 was us fighting. We were fighting from everything over the party, my friends and us. I'm still really not sure how the conversation of US came into play, but I was sick of talking about US, literally. I said to him -- "Listen, I am very sorry about everything that has happened. What has happened, happened and it's in the past. Life is too short to worry about the past and I'm moving on. I spent months, suffering sleepless nights, effortlessly trying to get you back and crying on friends' shoulders. That's over now. I have my life back and I'm happy. The other night, I met someone that made me realize that I was never comfortable with you. I always felt like I had to be this sophisticated, well-mannered, mature woman. I'm not, I'm silly, I'm goofy, I'm funny, I like to go out and have fun. What I became when I was with you was a person I didn't like and didn't even know."

 

... He interrupted me. His toned changed. During the past few months, his tone was always angry, annoyed or feeling pressured. Not now. He sounded more depressed and sincere than I ever had heard before. And for the first time since we broke up, we talked about our break up. He actually opened up to me, something I never expected to happen. He said -- "I LOVE it when you are like that. When we were alone, you let loose and I LOVED it, we had fun. Now I can understand (I was surprised he was agreeing with me) I can see that my older friends intimidated you. I can see that my lifestyle outside US made you think that way." Then he just trailed off, sort of like he was thinking about all the situations that would make me feel uncomfortable.

 

Then I laid it down. I told him that I loved him very much. That I never ever felt that way about anyone before and I never thought in my life that I would put so much effort into something. And then I said, "At least I know now, my mistakes, so I won't do it again in my next relationship."

 

He paused, and then sounded even more depressed than before, "I loved you so much. I really wish this worked out (he repeated this about 5 times), this is such a shame (repeated that about 5 more times)... but we can't get back together, not now, so much drama has happened.. God, it will take so long to get over all that (like he was speaking out loud or something?)" I interrupted him, telling him I didn't say anything about getting back together. He ignored that I said that, and went on with his "I wish this would have worked out" and "this is a shame" speech. He even admitted he lied about sleeping with other people, when he really wasn't. He DID say he moved on but still wasn't happy. Then talked some more about how the timing was off, how we met at the wrong times and if we met last month, things would be so wonderful. (We were going through a whole lot when we first met) It was almost like he was fishing for reasons to why we broke up!

 

But we didn't meet last month and I was really frustrated and told him flat out that the time we were together is starting to not mean so much to me. After the way he treated me, the way I felt like an idiot... USUALLY, he would have became angry and just said F you and a goodbye, but he actually starting standing up for our relationship, his actions, his feelings, as if he were changing my mind.

 

I got off the phone with him. I told him to have a nice night and left it at that. He texted me 10 minutes later saying "You go to ___ I'll stay in ___, it makes sense."

 

 

I have not heard from him since. I did go out on New Years, with my date, of course. I had a really fun time, but I have to admit, that conversation rattled me more than anything before. I have to stress the fact that one of the biggest problems in our relationship was he never opened up, hate opening up and even hated talking about our relationship.

 

What does that sound like to you? What do I make of that phone conversation? I have literally, been replaying it in my head over and over again. I need help! Is there a possibility he's rethinking things?? I just want to be prepared.

[Anthony M]

Sounds to me he got jelous of your new guy. You said his tone changed after you mentioned it to him. He's starting to realize what he lost.

[charliek]

I have gone through this w/ my recent ex as well. We were together for 5 yrs and this past year he broke up w/ me well let see this is number 3...all 3 times he has ran back to the same girl and in the end I am feeling like crap. BUT all 3 times I have learned the strength that I do have in me w/o him. And this last time that he has broken up w/ me I, like you, stood up for myself and told him things that I would never have said in the past b/c I was afraid of his reaction.

This last time that he broke up w/ me he made all contact w/ me, telling me he missed me, telling me he didn't know what he wanted, etc. But yet this other girl was still in the picture. He too made me always question who I was, was i good enough, etc. Not b/c of his lifestyle but bc this other girl was always in the picture. But like you after taking a step back I gained the confidence and realize I don't want to be "THAT" girl. . .Not once have I ever asked to be back w/ him this time, in all honesty I have done the opposite of everything I had done in the past that included and ultimatum or I guess more of a choice then anything.

I chose for myself that this other girl would not be apart of my life anymore and if he felt the need to have her continue to be in his life then I would no longer be apart of his life. . .He told me the same things you are hearing. . .that he had never seen this side of me, or hadn't seen this strong side of me for a long time. That the strong girl is who he fell for. . .told me the same thing that right now we can't be back together b/c of all the drama, etc. . .that I needed to give him time to figure out what he really wanted. . .Needless to say, NC has been made between us AT ALL since that day. Not even for christmas and we were together for 5 yrs. . .

What you need to do is hear what he is saying and take his words seriously. IF he really feels what he told you, the conversation you had w/ him rattled him just as much as it did you. IT gave him a lot to think about which is why he is saying that right now you can't be together. .give him his space BUT don't sit around waiting for him. LIVE YOUR LIFE b/c who knows this new guy may be your prince charming and you don't want to let that slide b/c you are waiting for your ex to make up his mind!! Give him his space, stay strong and let him straighten out what his issues are. You have said everything he needs to hear. . .he sees you for you now. . . and will make his decision based on that. BUT by the time he figures this out, it might be too late...you may have your prince charming right in front of you, don't let your ex blind you!! Take time for yourself and let your ex do the same. . .Girls are very well known for replaying conversations so they can tare it apart for any meaning and chance of hope. . .but just take word for word what he said at face value. . .he still said you can't be together right now. . .and that's what he means! So give him his space!

[nataliejulie]

Anthony -- I agree that he may be realizing what he lost. He's VERY lonely right now. Since his school ended (he's 26 and just started college), he has nothing to do but work. So I can defintely see where you are coming from with him thinking it through. As for the other guy, he's known (and even commented many times) that I probably have a whole lot of guys wanting to date me. He never showed that it bothered him before -- that I seeing someone, or there was another person in the picture.. until now.

 

 

Charlie -- "And this last time that he has broken up w/ me I, like you, stood up for myself and told him things that I would never have said in the past b/c I was afraid of his reaction" That is SO TRUE! I felt SO GOOD to say what I really wanted to say. I honestly do believe he meant what he said. That's why I'm so shocked he said those things, he never opens up. You are right, however, I do have to give him his space. If I said I moved on, I really have to move on.

 

 

Thank you guys!

[Relationship Coach]

NJ,

As you have grown stronger, he has gotten weaker. I'm sure the mention of you having fun and meeting someone else caused his life with you to pass before his eyes. He knows he screwed up and he knows he will never find what he had with you. His babbling and audible thinking means nothing other than you have moved on and he feels inferior to you.

 

I'm glad that NC worked for you as far as healing and getting stronger. It appears that the NC made him weaker and he is starting to see that life without you is no picnic. Go back to NC, I can hear the happiness in your "key strokes", you don't need this guy.

[SLMitchell918]

Its sounds like you finally realized that you are happier without him to some extent and he is finding himself missing you. It sounds like no contact is good for you and maybe you should continue that.

 

You told him how great you were doing without him and him seeing you so happy without him eats at him. Yet when you were sad and upset in the beginning, he had some sort of contol over you.

 

I am glad to see that you are doing better without him and with NC. As Relationship Coach said, continue NC. Its the best for you so you can move on with your life.

[Hope75]

I think maybe after some time apart he finally realizes what he lost and this was closure for him, to understand where you were coming from and to accept it, something that neither of yuo could talk about honestly until time apart gave you that perspective.

 

I don't think it means he wants you back, he sounded quite resolved about that, but it does sound as though he gathered some info and feels badly that there was such a miscommunication, and that may give him better understanding for his next relationship.

[SuperDuper]

I agree with everyone else here.

As you can see, his actions can mean numerous different things on either end of the line. But what you have to realize is, is that it doesn't matter.

 

What's done is done, and you shouldn't have to worry about it anymore. You put enough of YOUR time, and YOUR life into him, and you see where it left you. Definatley give this new guy a chance and see where it goes.

 

If you find yourself thinking about your ex more and more, you might want to let this new guy know first, that you need some space, at least for a little while.

 

If your ex really wants you back, he'll make more of an effort than a depressed phone conversation, believe me... Love is more powerful than that.

 

Good Luck.

[nataliejulie]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I know a lot think he changed the tune once he found out there was another guy in the picture... but trust me, it never stopped him before. He never changed the tune in the past when there was a guy interested in me or another guy in the picture.

 

 

To be honest, when I was with the new guy on New Years, I couldn't help but to think about my ex the whole night. I felt awful the whole day after. I do know that if he did want me back -- there would be more effort than action. But with him, it usually takes a few days to settle in. Impulsive decisions were never his cup of tea.

 

And to Hope -- Weird thing is, it did sound like he was re-thinking things. Just a week ago, he sounded more resolved about being over it. Actually, the past few months, he sounded resolved, saying it's over with, that he never loved me, that he could never forgive me (but told me now that he has) that he was dating a whole lot (which he now told me was a lie) etc. Now everything in the phone conversation was exactly the opposite. So it just.. I don't know, you get where I'm coming from?

[Lady Bugg]

Natalie,

 

Sometimes just getting fed up enough and speaking your mind....NOT caring about the outcome, or how THEY will think of you, is sometimes whats needed. You didn't sound "guarded' or like anyone but yourself when you talked to your ex. This probably caught him offguard. I know when I sit and rehearse, thinking of what to say, what NOT to say etc, it NEVER has the desired effect. Just getting it off your chest, and blasting them is sometimes all you can do....because lets face it...sometimes they deserve it!!

[Hope75]

NJ,

 

I didn't hear his tone of voice so obviously can't tell you, but he said over and over this time that you two could not get back together....so it was my assumption that is what he meant.

 

You think he was changing his mind?

 

What could he never forgive you for? Why did he say he never loved you?

[nataliejulie]

NJ,

 

I didn't hear his tone of voice so obviously can't tell you, but he said over and over this time that you two could not get back together....so it was my assumption that is what he meant.

 

You think he was changing his mind?

 

What could he never forgive you for? Why did he say he never loved you?

 

Actually, I kinda think he is, but is unsure. He couldn't forgive me for all the fighting we did towards the end of our relationship. All the drama that we went through. Most of it was me, I did start a lot of the fights. I always used to accuse him of cheating, when he wasn't. I accused him of lying, when he didn't. I used to try and look through his phone to prove him wrong. All that stuff. But, now, he said he has forgiven me.

He probably said he never loved me out of anger. Just like the millions of times he said he never wanted to talk to me again, but still did.

 

 

 

Well, we've been texting back and forth for the past two hours. Nothing but silly, playing around jokes.. it's been going real well. He actually asked if I wanted to play chess over the internet, since we used to play chess all the time when we were together... so who knows. I'm not going to pressure him into hanging out. He's obviously testing the waters. I'm just going with his pace.

[ocrob]

Well, it seems that NC is used for two reasons: getting over someone or getting them back. It seems that NC creates both. I was always afraid to start dating when me and my ex broke up because I was afraid of being in a situation where I had to choose between the new person and my ex. I say you definitely owe it to yourself to get to know this new guy. I think if you ex wants you back, then he should be willing to wait. I waited for my ex and it just did not happen when we tried to date again. I am exactly like you right now in one respect. I have recently been feeling over my ex and I met a really sweet woman about three weeks ago. Because of the holidays we have only been on one date, but we talk every day. I think that if my ex were to want me back, I would say I am in the process of getting to know someone and see where it goes. I gues it is up to your ex weather he wants to wait around. Very confusing stuff. Good luck.

[nataliejulie]

I am exactly like you right now in one respect. I have recently been feeling over my ex and I met a really sweet woman about three weeks ago. Because of the holidays we have only been on one date, but we talk every day. I think that if my ex were to want me back, I would say I am in the process of getting to know someone and see where it goes.

 

I think when I first met this new guy, I was transferring my feelings over to him, like a rebound. For a week, I was really excited, checking my cell phone all the time incase he called, I was beginning to feel the butterflies etc. A best friend of mine warned me, to take it slow and see how my true feelings were... because I was not yet completely over the ex. Now I know I was. Now that the ex is back in the picture, I don't want anything but friendship from the new guy.

 

 

 

 

My ex and I did talk for about 2 1/2 hours over text messaging last night. I sent the first text, "Wanna go get a drink? We can go pour them over our heads!"... It was me, being quirky girl I felt like I couldn't be around him. I honestly didn't expect him to reply, but he did. And if he did reply, I expected a "no", but the conversation was nothing but jokes and I felt comfortable for once, being me. Usually, I would call after texting, but I didn't. I'm trying to break my routine and be less predictable.

 

He did say something about playing games together over the internet (games we actually played when we were together), but he was doing some work. We never did get to play and he never did text me back after his offer. That's okay for now.

 

I'm guessing he's testing the waters? He always said, in the past, our conversations would go well, he would be hopeful and happy, but then I'd do something to screw it up (and I did -- like being impatient).

And to be honest here, guys... If he just wants me as a friend... so much drama has been going on since August, anyone in their right mind would have given up on that friendship long ago.

 

 

Help..... ideas? Opinions?........ !?

[Hope75]

NJ,

 

I think you are doing exactly what you should be.

 

Take it slow, be unpredictable, be yourself. If you are silly, be silly. Don't hold that back from him.

 

Don't overwhelm him, just take it slow and see where things go.

 

BUT.... there's the other guy in your life. Have you talked to him? What are you plans with him now? Do you think it's fair to date him if your heart isn't in it?

[Pikey1972]

I agree with Hope75 here: it might be best to discuss your feelings with your "new" date.

 

After my ex and I split up, I tried dating another man (well, we went on 1 date to be exact!) until I discovered my heart wasn't really in it and I still had feelings for my ex. I told my date and, although he was disappointed, he understood.

 

Although my ex and I are not back together, I'm glad I told my "new man" - I thought I was ready to date again and I wasn't.

 

I've been off the dating scene for almost 3 months now and am spending quality time either by myself or with friends. If my ex comes back, then great . If not, then I'll give it a few more months / a year (i.e. when I've "rediscovered myself") before I go back to dating again.

 

I hope it works out for you - good luck!

[Pikey1972]

I guess what I was trying to say in my post was: take things easy, try to establish what you really want, and spend quality time by yourself / with friends. Don't fall into the trap of filling a void with a new man if your heart's not in it - it'll only lead to more heartache in the long run.

[nataliejulie]

 

 

Well, we were texting back and forth yesterday, conversation going very well. Then we decided to meet up for some dinner and get to see each other again.

 

It went very well. We laughed, had fun, had a good time. Until I kissed him before he left. We kissed for awhile. Well one thing led to another, again... and before I knew it, I was back in his bed. When I started dressing, I noticed he had condoms in his drawer that was open. I asked him, "I thought you told me you haven't slept with anyone?" (Because we were still having unprotected sex) He told me he hasn't, he got them from school and that was why there were so many in the drawer. I do believe him, he wouldn't lie about that.

 

I don't exactly know what happened. We started talking about us. That anger he has built up inside came all out and he grew very frustrated with me. It's almost like he's really angry at me for the damaged I caused to this relationship... and he didn't want it to end, but it did. He told me I caused him a lot of embarrassment because of the fighting we did infront of his friends, his family and he's ashamed to be with me because his close friends and family will think he's crazy for wanting to get involved with me again after all the drama that has happened. He started asking, "Why didn't you just apologize to them??" I was crying at this point. I told him I actually wanted to but I thought he would think I was crazy for doing that. He started to cry, telling me that it's almost impossible for him to get over the hurt of what I've done. He said he has feelings for me still, but doesn't want to. That us seeing each other was a bad mistake.

 

I was horrified. As he tried to fight back the tears, I tried my best to stand up for myself, about how sorry I was, about how much I've learned. It didn't help, he asked me to leave and I did.

 

 

 

](*,)

[Hope75]

Ug NJ,

 

I'm sorry that it turned out this way.

 

It sounds as though he thinks the relationship is too damaged to save, and that his pride won't let him try again with you because he feels it's not healthy and his family and friends will think him foolish.

 

Hon, something important, you can trust him, but after the breakup you should protect yourself if you have sex with him. Just in case. It only takes one time.

 

There is obviously a chemistry between you two, but if he doesn't feel it's going to work, it won't, because he needs to try and make it work too.

 

Was the fighting that bad? Did you instigate fights in front of his friends and family? Why?

[Anthony M]

his close friends and family will think he's crazy for wanting to get involved with me again after all the drama that has happened.

 

Tell him you're both adults and you don't need permission from anyone on who to date, love, or marry. Your lives don't revolve around his family or his friends, they have lives too. I don't think the first thing they think about when they wake up in the morning is the two of you getting back together.

[nataliejulie]

 

 

I know, I'm so distraught that he cares so much about what other people think.

 

 

Hope -- What happened was, the time I met him, I was going through some of the most severe stress I've ever experienced. I was miserable, I lived alone. I had no company, so I became friends with that misery and brought everyone down around me. I made it a point to not have fun out with his friends. I made it a point to resent him for not loving me enough. The fights weren't bad enough for there to be hitting involved, not that bad. It was more like, we would have fights that would last 4 days long. Name calling. Disrepect. I remember one time, we were fighting, I ripped up all the love letters he wrote me infront of him. At times, we hated each other. I was not happy with my life at the time, so instantly, I just couldn't let myself be happy with him.

 

I made the biggest mistake of my life.

[Pikey1972]

I'm really, really sorry to hear about what's happened, nataliejulie...

 

All I can suggest is that you give yourself some space to work things out and to heal - try not to be too hard on yourself for what has happened, don't blame yourself. You can't change the past unfortunately, but you can influence the future by not putting yourself down / kicking yourself for what has happened.

 

Keep us posted and take care. Again, go easy on yourself, we're here for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Pikey

[selfi]

natalie, im so sorry to hear what happened. when my ex unexpectandly called to tell me he didnt want to see me again i was gutted.

our ex's are good at dealing out the blame but have trouble taking it.

i too made alot of mistakes during our relationship, ive said things to him that i dearly regret, and put alot of expectations on him.

 

sounds like ur ex is in a fragile state and is losing faith in you.

are you going into NC again? I know you still want to get back with him, but you're going to wait for him to do all the groveling back right, really put in every bit the effort?

[nataliejulie]

One of my very good friends emailed my ex yesterday. I wasn't aware of it, till she called me last night to let me know what she did and he replied to her. I have absolutely nothing to do with this.

 

Here is the copy of the email, maybe you guys can help me de-crypt this:

 

 

Natalya and I spoke for a long time last night and I made it clear to her that we cant be together. I still care for her a great deal, but the trauma that I went through in dating her is impossible to over look, The feeling that I have when I think of her is a mixture of terror and anxiety and love. There is no way that you have any idea what she did in our time together. no one in there right mind would have stayed with her. She was mad at me from sunrise to sunset, she was angry and would yell at me all of the time, anywhere, in front of anyone, all of the time. this happened every day! every day!

she had no idea what the results of her actions, the most obvious actions would be. She had the scope and desires of a fifteen year old half of the time.

I know that there is so much more to her, and I do really love her, but I wish that she would stop trying to seduce me, she knows that if she insists, I cant hold back, but it is bad for both of us.

Being with her was the first time that I felt love for someone else in over five years, now after this, I am terrified of women loving me, I am terrified of dating, I am more awkward around women than I ever ever was, she f**** everything up for us and me. If she had just given it a few more months and gone about things the right way, fixing the problems in the periphery, before addressing us directly, it might have been easy. If I told my friends that I saw her last night, they would tell me that I was an idiot.

I dont know what else that I should say. A dangerous thing, random love.

 

Surprised, really. He hasn't said he loved me in a few months. Actually told me two weeks ago he had no feelings left, then told me the other night he does, now he tells the friend he loves me. It's all confusing. He's actually said the same things right after our break up, right before we started dating again.

 

Help.......... ? ](*,)

[LiquidCherry]

NJ, I wouldn't try to de-crypt this one, I think it can be taken pretty much word for word. He loves you and is attracted to you but he doesn't feel it is healthy for either one of you. I would assume he previously told you he didn't love you anymore because he didn't want to anymore. In truth he does and it sounds like he is still hurting over your break up. Until he is fully able to process his emotions I don't think you'll ever know one way or another if there is hope left.. Unless you make up your mind first.