some advice on the ex....

[samlee1912]

All righty, I've got a problem here...

 

I broke up with my ex back last summer. It was a very sudden and unexpected breakup for her on her part. A part of me wishes I had handled that better but what's done is done. Anyways, I had told her that after the breakup I wanted nothing to do with her anymore...no communication, nothing. I felt had we continued it'd make things awkward. I blocked her on IM's and ignored most of her emails...she only called maybe a few times before giving up. From what IM's and emails I did receive, she had a desire to want to be friends with me since we couldn't be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. It kinda went in spurts...every so often she'd send more IM's and emails begging to be friends and what not (I'd ignore them basically).

 

Well I received yet another set of IM's from her over the New Year's holiday begging to be friends plus telling me how she hasn't been able to comfortably date again b/c she keeps thinking of me (which I think she's exaggerating some of it). I'm kinda unsure what to do...a part of me wants to keep ignoring her and another part of me wants to start being a mean, well,"you know what" to her. In the beginning of the breakup, I kinda was thinking maybe I could possibly be friends with her down the road...but at this point, she has been a little over obsessive for my tastes to even consider a friendship.

 

But anyways, do you all have any suggestions?

[DN]

It sounds as if she may be having regrets about breaking up but she may just want the comfort of you as a friend.. Decide what you want - to get back together or be friends. Then ask her what she wants.

[charliek]

If you have no feelings for this girl. . .DONT DO ANYTHING. Girls look for any sign of hope. Trust me I use to be this way. The girl will try to push herself back into the ex's life no matter at what it is costing them (their pride, dignity,etc) Anything to get you thinking about them and contact them . .The need for contact by you to them, means you have to talk to them and they have the chance to over analize what you said to them. . .they will pick apart everything and make hope out of whatever you said to them . .you could be completely neutral to her during the conversation not mentioning anything about the two of you, and end the conversation w/ I'll talk to you later. . .This to a girl means, osee he still wants to talk to me. . .If you have no desire to be w/this girl, please don't lead her on. Your gut is telling you she still wants more then just a friendship. The whole notion of not being able to move onto another guy bc she still thinks of you is a red flag that she A. is trying to make you jealous that she has the opp. to be w/ other guys, but yet lets you know she isn't doing anything w/ them b/c she wants to still be w/ you. . .B. Is telling you loud and clear how strong her feelings for you are still to this day. . .

Girls think very emotionally and usually do whatever they can whether it's lowering themselves to the lowest of low w/o even thinking. . .Leave this girl alone like you have been. One day it's going to hit her how stupid she is being or was being to get your attention. AT that point then yes a friendship could have a possiblity. . .but until she realizes her actions, stay away IF you don't want anything but a relationship w/ this girl!!

[Lady Bugg]

Sam...

 

I was THAT girl with someone for the last six months. Truthfully, your ex probably does not realize she is becoming a nuisance. Being on the OTHER side of that fence is no picnic believe me. She probably does still have feelings for you and using the "guise" of remaining friends as her only "lifeline' to you. If you truly don't want to be her friend tell her. Ignoring her emails, or IM's....is no better than just telling her flat out to go away. She has feelings too..even if you DON'T reciprocate them. There are WORSE things somene can do than want to remain in your life as a friend. if you can't be the friend she needs and deserves then do the right thing and tell her....she will be hurt most likely ..but she will get over it.

[lovecrazy]

Lets look at this from her stand point, you broke up with her suddenly! She probably doesnt even think it was a valed reason. You have ignored her, so that basically makes her think that she never met anything to you? Hmm dont you think if someone did that to you that you would be a bit obsessive?

 

Now since your tastes are different from people, honestly I would just tell her nicely that you are not interested in being friends, because it is too werid.

[Lady Bugg]

Agreed Winschica...

 

This is what I had the hardest part with....NOT knowing why the heck he started treating me coldly and basically being a JERK. Ignoring someone IS jerky behavior....just to clarify that.

[healinginnyc81]

I agree with both lady bugg and winschica that you should be straightforward with her. I had the hardest time when I was dumped b/c I couldn't figure out what happened. Just be straightforward that you don't think she's right for you and that you don't feel comfortable being friends.

[samlee1912]

I did give her reasons why I wanted to break up when we broke up...it's not like fully out of the blue. On some level it was out of the blue (she wasn't expecting a breakup obviously), but I did justify my actions for the split. This kind of how I feel about it: Her obsessive behavior with the friend thing makes it difficult for me to even WANT to be friends with her. PLUS a few months after we broke up, she ended up getting into a sort of "online" shouting match with my sister and mom. AND, she even drug one of best friends into the whole mess. So, that alone is steering me clear of the whole friend thing with her.

[Lady Bugg]

Sam your reasons were probably very justified, but the bottom line is it hurts to be rejected

 

I can relate to her position somewhat....not to excuse HER behavior, but I know in the past after I have done these sort of things...(Yes I have had my "drama queen" episodes) I wanted to smooth things over with my "friendship". By then too much damage was done, but I would push the issue and ended up making things worse. This is probably what makes her seem "obsessive". If she is anything like me, her intentions are probably sincere but she may simply not know how to get that accross ...that and she probably senses you don't want anything to do with her anymore and that makes the sense of urgency even more strong..so she pushes more for it, without realizing she is actually destroyiing her chances.

 

On the other hand I feel for you because it is also a frustrating position for you to be in and I am sure you don't want to feel like the bad guy either. You do have a right to your feelings after all...

 

Anyway, thats just something to think about.

Hope things work out for you

[deejay74]

what if it's the girl who did the dumping? that's what happened in my case. i have been strong enough to do NC for 9 days now but do you think she is wondering if will be contacting her? i can PM you my break-up story, it was NOT over some other guy or that she hates me. she told me more than once that she wants to be friends and that i can call or email her anytime. anyway, please give me the female perspective. thanks.

[lonelyfish]

Now since your tastes are different from people, honestly I would just tell her nicely that you are not interested in being friends, because it is too werid.

 

I agree, please don't mean to her. As I am sort of that girl I feel for her. I was not as excessive as her though. My ex and I began dating knowing that whatever happened we would at the very least made a great friend. As he was ending a marriage I guess I didn't think our relationship would get very serious, we were having fun until my feelings started to get in the way. I couldn't just have fun anymore and he obviously wasn't ready to jump into another serious realationship. I gave him his space after the breakup and then talked to him 2 months afterwards. He was having a lot of problems and I was genuinely concerned for him. Now 2 months from then - I just talked to him again last week and he seemed very bitter towards me. I know I did nothing wrong to cause any ill will towards him so I couldn't figure out why he seemed a bit bitter for me calling him. But yeah, he probably just wants to move on, but he came accross as being insincere and it hurt a bit knowing we said from the start we would always be friends and he obviously is not interested in a friendship with me.

 

Try to be friendly with your ex but just be honest and tell that you are sorry but just don't think the friends thing will work.

[kitten]

Not knowing, and being stuck in that sort of limbo of hope, is, in a way, just as bad as being rejected. At least when you're told how things are, straight out, you can move on.

 

But she can't do that because she's holding out hope.

 

It may seem mean, but I really think you should let her know what your intentions are, even if your intentions are "I don't want anything to do with you." Put it nicely, but be firm.

 

Don't leave her hanging.