Support for disowned children

[may55]

Hi there,

 

My mother, a wonderful person, was disowned about 10 years ago for no real reason from her father, my grandfather. He has disowned all of us, my beautiful nephews included. What is hard for my mother is that her only sibling, my aunt, still has a relationship with him and in the past has gotten in between my mother and her father. She is rather a manipluative aunt, who I personally am not fond of.

 

Anyway, this is the only relative my mother has alive besides her sister (and of course kids grandkids). She has tried over the years to contact her father and he refuses her calls, Christmas gifts, everything. We have no idea why he is like this - he was always rather grumpy - but for some reason will not speak to my mother or any of her children. We have done nothing to this man! This of course has caused her a lot of grief. This holiday has been hard for her for some reason (she just turned 60 and her father is not getting any younger). What I think is particularly hard is that there is no explaination or incident. Very strange. We have all tried to find out why, even asked my aunt, my mother's sister, and have gotten just a lame answer that my grandfather just does not like us. It is horrible and confusing.

 

I was wondering if anyone had some similar stories to share or resources I could point my mother to. I realize that she needs some help with this and, since her father may die one of these days soon, she needs to find some peace with this before his death.

 

Are there books out there on this stuff? Support groups?

 

Any resouces or tips would help.

 

Thanks and happy holidays!

[mgirl]

Hi there,

 

I'm not sure of any support resources or books on the matter, but i will say, i have some experience in the matter.

 

The interesting thing about families is that they can be functional or dysfunctional, just like any other relationship.

 

It is a shame that your grandfather has chosen to feel this way, but i will say that it is neither your fault nor your mothers that he feels this way. Human beings behave for a number of reasons, rationality being only one of them (in other words, it is highly unlikely that he is not acting rationally).

 

If you don't mind me saying, perhaps your aunty has played a part in this? Is there any money at stake? Sometimes also, siblings just react irrationally, jealousy playing a big part in this. In my opinion, if one sibling feels a bit inadequate or powerless in some way, they can sometimes hijack the family and turn it against another sibling. This is weird, but it happens.

 

This is really aweful, but the best thing your mother can do is get on with her life without guilt. It is not her fault that this thing has happened, and it is very well possible that your grandfather is afflicted with a chemical iimbalance of some kind, hence being "grumpy" and feeling like he has to make the world pay for his pain.

 

If it is one thing that i have learned in my life, those who make us suffer are usually the ones most likely in pain, so it is important that your mother does not take this as a personal insult or anything like that.

 

What gives us sanctity in these situations is the feeling that we did the best we could and it sounds like your mother has, by trying to build a bridge with him.

[avman]

My mother was also disowned by her parents for deciding to marry my father. They were Lutheran, he was Catholic. And apparently that was enough to cast her from the house and banish her from their lives and her siblings lives. Her siblings were also threatened with being disowned if they spoke to her.

 

Things did not soften between them until my brother and I were born some 20 years later. Eventually she was able to maintain a cordial relationship with them, though I don't know whether things were truly resolved and forgiven. I've heard many stories from other family members about the rough period, and none of them were good.

 

My mother turned to religion to find peace and forgiveness for what they did. She talked to religious counselors about it, but I don't really think she completely got over what happened. I like you wish their were support groups or other resources available to help her.

 

I don't know if this helps but I do wish your mother the best and I hope she can find peace in the situation.

[DN]

Perhaps there should be an addendum to the commandment about "honour thy father and thy mother" which requires a similar duty from parents to children. Although, it seems to me that it should really be one of those things that is so obvious it does not require pointing out.

 

I suppose the parable of the prodigal son would fit the bill.

[Jinx]

It could be just about anything that caused the disowment of your mother. People can come up with just about any reason to disown someone without much logic outside of their own beliefs. Whether its personal beliefs, religious, culture, etc...

 

As another poster mentioned, it may be indeed you aunt whom is playing a large role in this disownment. It seems odd that your mother was disowned, whereas she still retains a relationship with him but on the same note still remains in contact with your mother. She could very well of convinced him that something negative had or was going to occur which would affect the family if he kept in contact. Truly, the only one that knows the real reason is her father and possibly your aunt, but if you're aunt is benefiting from this I truly doubt that she would confess to whatever harm has been spread.

 

It is unfortunate that such an event has occurred, but if she has tried again and again to approach him without response there is little that can be done (that at least I can think of). She may consider counseling to deal with the problems but for most part she cannot blame herself.

 

If she has been a good person and caused the family no problems, what blame can she take for being disowned? None. Logically if she has been a benefit and caused no harm then it is her father and sister which have chose to leave her out for one reason or another. Depending on the reason why, it may be an issue which can never be resolved.

 

I've had relatives disowned for religious and "moral" reasons. Each person has their own idea of perfection and some take it to an extreme to the point of disowning another family member without much conscience and further thought. Some come to the point that if their children make a choice as minor as it might be, and they don't agree with it, out they go. I suppose all in all it depends to what level he would disown on and the why, where, when and how of it to get a clear explanation.

[savannahohsavannah]

If it were me, I'd actually go see the parent face to face. If you get no response from him then, you must simply presume that he is harboring unknown resentments. Can you imagine that it might not be the work of someone else's machinations, but rather something that your mother did that wounded inadvertently and unknowingly, or something that she failed to do? It is however up to him to step up to the plate and say this is what happened and why I feel this way. This is a sad situation, but I can't honestly say it shocks or surprises me in any way. I think in fact the *disownment* of family members is all to common.

[bcsofie]

hello everyone. i'm new here. the topic may have long been forgotten - support for disowned children. i hope not, but just the same if for some divine intervention someone will still get to read this, then maybe the messages that may be exchanged will be some form of answer or a direction to an answer to what some people may be experiencing.

 

my mother, a very strong and ambitious woman, accomplished in so many ways, but insecure in some ways as well, masking this with authority being the eldest of 7 children adopted me when I was barely 6 months old from my father who is her brother. i never knew any other mother except for her and my dad. the younger years of my life and my older (adoptive as well) sister (child of another brother) were materially well provided. we went to good schools, etc. in the latter years however, my mother became physically or at least that is what probably we only see, have become physically violent with my dad. there will be yelling, throwing of chairs, breaking things. if there were days that there was no fighting, it was considred rest day. i was in 3rd grade when i saw the first physical attack my mom gave to my dad. my dad was sitting in a chair, bowed head and my mom yelling at him and hitting him anywhere her hands landed. my dad's face was bleeding in some of the hits he took. and then my mom got a chair (solid wood) and threw is at my dad while he was backing out. she threw another chair to our sliding door and broke the whole celing to floor glass. it was a mess. all this times, i was looking through under the stairs with my grandma. i am 40 years old. and these have not been erased from my memory at all. sad, isn't it. you wonder why they had a fight? because i wondered too and later on i learned that my dad was having an affair and that was why my mom got so angry. in my mind thouugh, why did her need to have an affair? was something missing in their relationship. as much as it is wrong to have an affair, one needs to see both sides of the coin to really understand.

 

anyway, life went on, through their constant flights at the dinner table, after mass, after whatever... they will argue and fight. not as violent as before but my mom's eyes glared like you would like to to hide in a cave forever. i was in 3rd grade when my older sister got pregnant and my mom, hush with everything, said the three of us (me, her and my dad) were going out for dinner on a school night. unusual for us. but i did not question it. i was just wondering why my sister isn't coming with us. when we got back, all my sister's things are gone from the room we shared. i was sad. no goodbyes, nothing. she did leave me the nice smelling soaps we always fought about because i wanted to have one and she left her accordion which i always wanted to play with. from then on, no words were spoken about her leaving. until she gave birth to my nephew. i was 9 years old then. i took care of my nephew whenever she needed help. i liked that i can visit her in her new house with my brother in law.

 

i grew older of course, and so when i was in my junior year in high school, my mom and dad told me that they are leaving to work in NY and left me. i lived with my sister's family during those times, but the hard life she's had affected our relationship as well. she felt that i was a burden to her. i was 15. unfortuntaley, my sister's temper was similar to my mom. she started throwing things at me and yelling. i wondered why? i did all housework for them. cooked, cleaned the house, washed clothes, took care of their kids (by then they had 2), took care of the garden, ironed clothes... what? then one summer day, as i was hanging clothes to dry outside and my gandma visited, my sister suddenly through a pot at me and yelling that i was such a burden to her. i asked why? i said, i am short of a slave here in their house, and why are you so mad at me...? i just did not get it. my brother in law was stopping her from grabbing my hair and my grandma was crying while embracing me as i was folding the clothes. and then she said, "because mom and dad love you more than me." i was speechless. i cannot say anything else because this is how she feels and i want to respect it. i felt sorry for her, but still, i did not do anything to her. that was not my fault. and frankly speaking, i don't think its true.

 

i graduated high school and went to college, i was still living with my sister after cooling off. i was also working part-time and so gave her monthly rent which helped ease the tension between us. i still did all the house chores though. and i met my boyfriend, now my wonderful husband. a gift from God.

 

through the years of my marriage with 2 wonderful boys, my life apart from my past and my off and on associations with my side of the family are happy times. until my mom and dad retired from their NY work and lived with my family this time. why with me? because my sister wouldn't take them, or would take them but would make them feel unwelcomed. so they lived with me, which to a certain degree, was not easy. they are difficult people to live with, especially my mom. she is strong-willed and anyone with a different opinion, is wrong. no ifs, not buts. she is very vocal as well. good thing my husband is so easy going and would not bother himself with these too much. i for one, was not comfortable with the situation. we were not allowed to talk loud, or my sons couldn't bounce a ball while they're there because it was too noisy, etc. plus, financially, my parents were partially dependent on us. it was hard. every day i was walking on eggs. she was still the authority of everything, i let her because i did not know how to take it from her. my dad threw in the white towel way way back.. and just let her run his life as well. not good. i was stressed out. my dad passed away in 2000 and i was left to take care of my mom. not easy. she was demanding, as depressed as she was as well, she made it even harder for us at home. she then said a lot of things about me and my family to our relatives that are not true. and so i finally decided to move far away from her. the house was getting to tight for all of us. i consulted my biological father and mother who know about the whole situation and they helped me and my family relocate. My bio dad said, the easiest way to solve this is for you to leave our home and give control to my mom. my husband did not like the idea at all because he had a great job where we are! my kids loved their school... why should we leave? it was hard, but its either we leave or i go crazy (medically) . it was TOO TOO MUCH. I consulted psychiatrists, psychologists, nuns, priests, mentors in school, mature friends, every positive source of information. they all said, leave, walk away... the house is not worth the stress and the effects it was taking on my health and my family. so i convinced my husband, good as he is, agreed. went off to another country to start a new life.

 

my biological parents supported us with this decision. now my mom has disowned us. me, my husband and my children. she said that she could have gotten other children to adopt but she chose me because she wanted me to have a better future... which is crap because she wanted a child, period. (they don't have children of their own) and better future?... she gave me anxiety attacks to no end, she belittled my husband and my children. there was obviously no motherly love at all. i know because IAM a mother, and I would NEVER do anything that she did to us to my children. and maybe because I am adopted and that is why there was no real love and connection. i did love my adoptive father very much. there is still this question hanging in my mind, why my bio parents gave me up. maybe they were pressured by my mom. i don't know. no answers were given. my mom sent me back all pictures and things we left in our house. she never replied to my letters. and i stopped writing as well. what's the point.

 

i want to reconcile with her. still. she's old. i have reached out, but she she never met me half way. i want to try one last time... life is getting short for all of us to be in this senseless situation... all because (I think) of pride.... what more can i do?

[rocio]

i think all you can really do is to make it clear that you love her and will always be open to having a relationship. Contact her periodically, regardless of whether or not she responds. Stay calm when talking to her and try not to get too emotional or passionate. Of course, it can be hard because few things in life can be as painful and unfair as being disowned by a parent.

 

Well, that was my strategy and it hasn't necessarily been a success (we don't have a great relationship and my mother still behaves in an unacceptable manner) but it hasn't been a total failure and at least I know that I've maintained my dignity.