I love him but should I leave him?

[LonelyGirl]

 

several months ago my boyfriend dated someone else behind my back a couple of times. I didn't know until someone else caught them and told me. supposedly they didn't have sex...although I can only take his word for that considering he lied about everything else. I love him but am still way too hurt and suspicious still. he gets upset with me but i can't help it. it's not like it was something that happened 20 years ago...this was months ago but still feels fresh unfortunately. another hard part to deal with is that it was someone that was close to me and that I knew prior to this ordeal and that I had suspicions about him being interested in way before he saw her. He says he loves me and that he'd leave if he wanted to. However, I can't help but think that he had to have known I would have found out eventually especially since I was close to her and knew her well. We've been together for a few years and I can't understand this. When I bring it up he usually gets angry and tells me it's my problem and I just have to learn to get over it. I love him but not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of this. I know no one's perfect....but what should I do??? When I'm 75 will I still be paranoid and suspicious of him?

HELP! I hurt!

[Genesis]

You should do what your heart tells you to do. I found out that this game that some men play called the "anger" approach,is just a way to get you off his back b/c he knows he is wrong and does not want to hear about his doggish ways. Well he must know how much something like this would have hurt you come on now! If you have already told him that b/c of this, you have lost your trust for him, he has hurt you deeply, and that the fact that he dated someone that was close to you shows a lack of respect and boundaries on his part. There really is nothing else to say to him. If he already knows all of these things. Now it is up to you.

 

I would distance myself from the relationship, start hanging out with your friends more, let him come to you. HE has to prove himself to you if you really want to stay with him.

 

I would think about dumping him and your so called friend too. It is best to walk away with your dignity than to be played for a fool. You can start acooping out a new boy toy yourself see how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, ! No don't do that! He may do this again , it makes you look like a weak person for staying with this dog that would screw your friend. I am sure he was lying about that too. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

[CrashNBurn]

Your hurting is totally understandable. Part of being in a relationship is being able to TRUST your partner. And if you can't trust your partner who can you trust??. You are in a very hard situation because I do believe every one deserves a second chance. But the fact that the trust is gone makes the situation very difficult, I am going to be frank with you, I could never over come it, and I certainly wouldn't want to live my life having to worry about my partner's every move that would be torcher. I just couldn't do that. And I know you love him, but most people who can not stay faithful are usually unhappy in their current relationships so they seek others to fulfill what they are missing. I have had this very conversation with my male co-workers and all three agreed on one thing, if the guy can get away with it once, and the partner takes him back, he will surely do it again.

 

Did you ask him WHY? he was a coward and didn't have the decency to break up with you if he felt the need to see other people? I mean didn't he think you deserved to have the same freedom? Did he enjoy sneaking around behind your back. I just don't get why people have to have affairs. Why can't they inform their current lovers that they feel the need to separate? I wonder if you where to leave him how would he feel? You should really consider it though. If it's meant to be, it will be. What ever you decide, it will have to come from you.

 

 

[notherenowhere]

LonelyGirl,

 

It really angered me as I read your message about your cheating boyfriend especially when he got upset about you talking about it. How dare he do that when he was the guilty one! Simply put, he cheated on you and you should definitely dump him. You should also consider dropping your (now so-called) close friend as well. He broke the most sacred and valued thing in a relationship: trust. If you stay with him, who knows what else he'll do behind your back. I remember seeing this saying somewhere among the postings at enotalone.com: once a cheater, always a cheater. Please save yourself and leave him.

[bzborow1]

First off, I'm sorry about you having to deal with this...I have so I know how hard it is. I think you have low self-esteem. Why? Because you seem to not be willing to take a stand, and more willing to put up with him. Why? Because you're afraid of losing him...he challenged you when he got mad at you. That's a guys way of just telling you to shut up.

 

I've never thought anything of people who cheat, if they do it once (and yell at you for taking offense to it) they'll do it again for sure. SPECIALLY because you never took a stand against it. I think you need to show yourself some respect and dump this guy, you don't need this.

 

Being alone is the hardest thing, but it can also be the most rewarding experience. Being alone will allow you to get reattached to the real you, as opposed to the relationship you. Take this time to get out with friends, take up a new hobby, meet new people...and have some fun...it's summer!

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[LonelyGirl]

Well, I probably would have been more inclined to leave him when I found out if it weren't for the fact that we lived and still live together. The girl he saw is definitely out of my picture. It was actually my bro's ex. So she's not in the picture anymore. At least not mine.

But currently we live together. I'm not exactly financially stable enough to move out just yet either. I'm stuck between love and a hard place.

[CrashNBurn]

Yikes!! you really need to start shopping around for another flat mate. Don't use the money thing as an excuse. I know you must deeply be in love with him and you are scared to leave, but think of what you will be staying with. You wont be happy with him, because you will be to busy worring about who he will be boinking next, and you wont be happy with out him, but at LEAST! you'll be rid of the dark cloud hanging over your head. You will have a better chance at finding someone who LOVES YOU! Give him the boot! and if he doesn't beg to stay with you, THEN YOU'LL KNOW HE'S AN ASS! I know if you sweep this under the carpet, he wont repsect you. You will be in his mind WEAK. He knows you wont leave him.