Please guide me on how to act around him and new girlfriend New Years!!

[blues_belter]

Hello- I haven't posted in this forum before but I'm in a bit of a pickle and I could use some advice on how to handle things around my ex and his new "friend" this New Year's Eve.

 

Long story a little less long... My ex and I were together on and off for the last 3 1/2 years. We lived together for the last year up until the end of October. During the last 6 months I was basically paying all the rent and bills and it was a huge source of tension with us. He always put off getting a regular job- my guess is because he had it good with me supporting him, so why bother?

 

We also are both professional musicians who have a regionally popular musical group and we still perform together. We will be performing at a big club this New Year's Eve.

 

A month or so before we split, I noticed he was spending quite a bit of time with a female musician who comes to his jam sessions. Normally I wouldn't have had a problem with it because women are always around, but he started coming home a lot later. He used to be back around 2-2:30 am but for a month I would wake up to him walking in the door as late as 5! (and drunk as **** no less!). I told him that although i trusted him, it bothered me that he was spending time alone with her so late and around alcohol. He assured me over and over that there was nothing to worry about that she was just a musician "buddy" and all they talked about was music!

 

After we split ( well, it was actually called a "break"), we cut off all contact abruptly. I heard through many sources that he and his new friend had continued leaving the club together and he would buy her flowers and it seemed obvious that they were suddenly together. Still I have no concrete proof that he is really with her. All I know is that a couple weeks ago, he actually brought this woman backstage at one of our shows. I can accept her coming to the show, but i felt that his bringing her backstage was a violation of my space. Others noticed too and thought he was really out of line. Our manager even told him that he was not to do it again.

 

I am really not interested in finding out if they are really together but i am about to have to face both of them on New Year's. He actually hired her to open the show with her band - again, our manager found out and told him he needed to show a little more sensitivity!

 

My gut tells me he is doing this to get under my skin- parading her around me...

 

How do i handle this???

[DN]

With absolute dignity. If he is doing it to get under your skin - ignore it. If he is doing it because he wants to have his new girlfriend around - ignore it.

 

Be pleasant to him, friendly to the new girl, treat them both as politely as possible but without being over the top.

 

No one should know that it bothers you - they should all get the impression that you are over him and that to behave in any other way would be beneath you.

[RayKay]

That certainly is a bit crass of him, to bring her backstage when it is so fresh, isn't it?

 

I think the best thing you can do, is be as elegant and "above it" as you can. Be polite to him and her, smile, do not even give them a HINT of anger, or frustration or pain. Hard to do, but practice beforehand..imagine every scenario and learn to react to it. The more you tell yourself you will be fine and okay with it, the more you will believe it yourself!

 

But friendly, but keep your contact with them minimal, an exchange of greetings, then go and have FUN with the other people there, enjoy your night and do not even let anyone else see that it bothers you in the least.

[DN]

Just reading your previous posts. Have you been to court yet over the charges you filed against him?

[blues_belter]

Yes- he was ordered into counseling for alcoholism and anger management. He plead guilty to a reduced charge of negligent assault. I know he's been sober about 2 weeks and I myself am ready to move on. Don't think there will be any closure anytime soon but i am just wanting to handle myself really well on new years. Even though he's done some really terrible things to me, it does take a while to get over the feelings that are left.

 

If i didn't have to work around him, would definitely be easier!!

[blues_belter]

Thanks, you guys- I could use all the support in the world to rise above this. I want to be the bigger person, but the crap he pulls just amazes me!!

[DN]

Just remember that if you react in any negative way - he wins and you lose. Keep that in the forefront of your mind and it will be all you need to keep going.

[SuperDave71]

Hey there,

 

The easiest advice I can give you is "BE YOURSELF". Try not to allow someome else ruin your good time.

 

If you feel it is getting the best of you, say goodbyes to those there and leave.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[blues_belter]

Thanks- I know all i have to do is ignore it and pretend like i don't care. The problem is, i wish i could leave if it gets too much- but i have to stay as i am getting paid to perform. I'm dreading the time for the new year's "kiss"!

 

IT's tough. Last New Year's when we performed, he grabbed me and kissed me on stage. Now, all that's happened and he may or may not be with someone new. I know he is not right for me, based on all that's happened. He would not be good for me unless he had some major counseling and fixed some things- his anger, his alcoholism. But I'm not counting on it.

 

I just think it is such a slap in the face for him to do this. He could have hired anybody!! Afterall i did for him- i paid for him, was always there for him-so so stupid!!

 

Sorry to vent, but it's just very hurtful!!