Why is it so hard to get over him?

[sweetsmile]

I keep dating other guys and doing lots of funny things, trying not to think of him, but I keep thinking of him ALL the time. Why after more than 2 months can't I delete him from my mind? Why do some people just forget and move on? Why can't I? It has never ever been so hard before in my life even though I had longer relationships. I'm wondering how he's doing and how come he doesn't care about me at all and I don't dare to call him or write to him. Why? Normally I would do that, but not this time with this guy! I'm a very pretty woman and men are coming to me all the time and want to take me out and have a relationship with me, but I only compare them with him even though they look better and are better! Is he my soul-mate or why is this happening? Our relationship wasn't good the last year so I pushed it till the end when he broke up with me, so it wasn't like a surprise for me. But now I just can't get over him. Has anyone experienced this before?

[alrightie_ms]

Hi sweetsmile, you practically are describing the situation that I am in at this moment. Just somehow can't get THAT one out of my mind despite telling and rationalising with myself on things that have happened between us.

 

I have dated others and even had brief relationship with others just for the sake of not wanting to be a fool, yet when he came back into the picture, all of those will be gone. Oh well! just thought to say that nope! you're not the only one feeling what you are feeling now. There seems to be that "something" somehow somewhere along the line with this ONE particular affair. Just that I can't really put my finger to what that "something" is...until now.

 

Maybe it's the hope that we seem to be holding on to until now?

[capricorn85]

Sweetsmile,

 

I understand what you mean! I was with my ex for a year and a half. The last few months weren't that good, and he broke up with me in September (3 months ago). You cannot expect to heal that quickly, especially if you do not openly admit to your feelings. Cry if you need to! Scream if you need to! Invest in a little cheap journal and WRITE your thoughts, even write him a letter...but do not send it. Trust me, you will feel a lot better.

 

I have spoken to a few guys since the break up. I compare them to my ex too! You know why? It is because we are not fully over the situation. Once you can fully forgive your ex for the break up, then there is no need to compare. Now sit back right now and evaluate the relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who broke up with you? I hope you do not think the break up was your fault either! Take care hun. Be strong...I know you will be fine!

 

-Cap

[sweetsmile]

It feels good to hear that I'm not a total fool and alone. Sometimes I feel like i must be crazy or something. This morning I felt even worse than yesterday since it's almost Christmas. I was expecting a call or something, but nothing happens. Why after so long time together and so much love for one another? Did he move on with another girl or is he also feeling bad from times to times. Just want to know.

[capricorn85]

Honestly, he could be with someone. That is the sad reality! My ex first made it seem like he was in a relationship, I got sooo upset and cried and told him I hated him. Then I changed my number! The next day he found out my new number and called me 8 times just to tell me that he doesnt have a girlfriend and that I am making assumptions. What a loser! The best you can do is try to move on. I know it is especially hard during the holidays! I go into stores and hear that dreaded X-Mas music and sometimes I can't handle it. I'll get tears in my eyes. It's weird because when you are dumped you have all of these emotions affecting you! Who knows, he may feel bad, but do not dwell on that. Focus on making youself happy sweetsmile. You said that the guys are better and LOOK BETTER! That is great! I had no physical attraction to the guys I spoke to after the break up! I kind of did it to take my mind off of my ex which I now see wasn't good at all. Take your time, do not rush into a relationship because the baggage is not cute! Take Care...

[healinginnyc81]

Just wanted to say that I feel the same way and I think that the feeling of missing my ex seems to be getting stronger all the time. But a friend of mine who went through this told me to expect it to get worse for a while before it starts getting better.

It's been 2 weeks but I still feel like I'll never have someone like her again and it just crushes any motivation I have to do anything. I'm trying to tell myself that there are other girls out there who are better for me but it's so hard. Hang in there, I'm sure we'll all get through this and start seeing that we can be happy again.

[pilot1ab]

Hi Sweetsmile. I can understand what you are feeling. Some people can handle physical pain while others can't. But if you show me a person who doesn't bleed buckets after a heartbreak, then I will show you someone who is a cold, heartless, person with lots of baggage. Your not crazy or a fool. Your a human being, like the rest of us, who has sensitivity and feelings. I am in a similar situation as yourself. My love, my soulmate, my everything, broke up with me 2 months ago out of the blue. I still can't stop thinking about her. My problem is because we work together, and our jobs put us in continual side by side contact for 12 hours a day/ 4 days a week. This rips open my wound everynight. Believe me you don't want to hear about the ex. You may think you do, but the stories you hear about you ex actually delay your healing. Keep up your no contact with him. You will heal much faster.

 

Also don't feel bad about the comparisons. If this person held a pedestal in your heart, then of course others can't climb there no matter how much better they are. What this is showing you, is that you need to first knock him of this pedestal. By doing what you are doing...dating...etc. You are giving an opportunity for someone TO BE able to knock him down from this pedestal. Time....give it time. Its not easy, anyone that comes to enotalone will agree, but you will make it.

[healinginnyc81]

I just wanted to share a story, I met a 74 yr old lady a couple of days ago. We were talking b/c she commented that I looked handsome and asked if I had a gf. I told her about my breakup. She told me that her first true love who she thought was perfect for her broke up with her after 5 years. A year later she met the man who she has been happily married to for almost 50 years now. The likelihood of hearing stories like that on websites is pretty low since in general people at that age don't know how to use the internet.

So I thought it would be good to post it here

[sweetsmile]

Capricorn,

Why do you think he's with someone? I've asked around and even tried to spy on him but can't find out. But of course he must be with someone if he doesn't contact me. otherwise he would have called and cared a little bit.

[capricorn85]

Sweetsmile, do not spy on him! That will literally drive you crazy. I've done it before and it did not help the healing process. You find out things and it sets you back sooo much. He may be with someone to help his process in getting over you. Just because he isnt calling doesnt mean he has someone. My ex did the same thing. STOPPED CALLING. Then he called a few times. Then I had a conversation poured my heart out and asked him if he had someone new. Do you know his response Sweetsmile? He said "DO NOT ASK ME QUESTIONS THAT YOU DO NOT WANT THE ANSWER TO." This is coming from the same person who told me he didnt want a relationship, so I wouldnt put it pass him if he does. Right now just focus on you, maybe take a break on talking to the new guys until you heal a little more. Get a journal it helps!!

[blue boy]

Sweetsmile - you're doing great after 2 months really - I wish I had your strength (it's been 5 for me and I can't even function amongst people)

I guarantee in another 2 or 3 months the picture will be a lot brighter.

He is the one who has lost in this - just try and get your mind to realise that - once you have control of your head you will regain the power and control you have lost.

Unhappily this takes time and we are all different.

Hang in there and merry xmas

[Hawk]

Sweetsmile - have to agree with Capricorn about the spying - i did it and it nearly sent me crazy. You make all these assumptions, some of which may be right, most of which are probably wrong. But in the end knowing that she is with someone else isn't going to change how she feels about me. I still have to display the most incredible willpower not to drive past his place to see if she is there with him, but every time I fight the urge and win, I feel as though I have moved forward.

[sweetsmile]

Thanks Capricorn. I met this wonderful man last night and i must admit that i feel a little in love. But STILL i feel hurt because my ex doesnt even wish me a merry christmas. he really doesnt care about me at all and it hurts SO much. I should be happy that i've met this guy and that we both feel the same but still i'm so stupid so i think a little about my ex. Why? Do you understand why he can't even write a small sms or mail wishing me merry christmas? it just doesn't make sense, since we spent so many years together.

[capricorn85]

No problem sweetsmile. Yes I know it is hard. Who knows why he hasnt even sent you a text saying Merry Christmas? That isn't something you need to stress over. What ever you do, do not give in and text or call him. Maybe he is thinking the same thing. Just appreciate that you have met someone. Give him a chance. If you constantly think of your ex then you will build up a wall, preventing yourself from finding love again. It takes time sweetsmile. Look at me for example: Three months ago the love of my life broke up with me. I cried every single day, couldnt move out of my bed. Some days I thought I wouldnt make it to see the next. I spied. I called him from blocked numbers. Begged him to be with me. I began NC he day after Thanksgiving. After a month of NC, I saw him yesterday. Now HE was the one asking me questions about other men. I told him do not worry about it, it's none of your concern. Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd be this strong. IT FELT GOOD. After seeing him I realized that the NC helped soo much. The love I had for him died and now I am no longr interested in him. You will get to that point. Take your time. Merry Christmas!!

[sweetsmile]

I really appreciate all nice words from you. I feel alot better. Christmas was the worst day, but today I feel better. I have a wonderful child, wonderful family, appartment, money and everything. Why distroy my life and loose energy b/c a man who is old and obviously doesn't want me. It was actually over a long time ago, but we just couldn't let go. He was the strong one who took the final decision and broke it for good and that's probably why it hurts. I can't believe how HE could suddenly become so strong and cold. I don't know what he's thinking, but I hope that he miss me sometimes. Merry Christmas to you all and thanks so much for this site!

[octopus]

Yeah, that "suddenly becoming strong and cold" applies in my case too.

 

How could a man, who was sooo caring and loving even the morning we had the break up, all of a sudden became sooooo cold and strong? Not called or emailed for 3 weeks? Is it because he knows that's actually better for me? Or because he had been pretending to be loving and caring the last month or so? Or because he's pretending now to help my healing? it's so confusing...