Want to help friend who cant get over his ex after 4 yrs

[bsp_kjm]

One of my good friends has never gotten over an ex after 4 years. He talks about her every time I talk to him, be it through email, over the phone, or in person. The thing is is that he broke up with her the 4 years ago. He wanted to pursue his dream of joining the NFL and decided that the only way he could follow it was by moving 8 hours away to play ball for a good college. He dumped his current GF at the time to do so. Well his football career ended up going nowhere, so now hes stuck with not knowing what to do with his life and he feels like a victim because his ex moved on and has been in a 3 year relationship with someone else.

 

My friends and I have given him numerous amounts of advice. I've even sat with him for 5 hours straight on several occasions just listening to him go on about her and giving him advice. All the advice just seems to go in one ear and out the other.

 

He's buff, in-shape, and a nice guy and even has a modeling gig going, but he still feels women arent attracted to him. We finally convinced him to date again, but he compares all his dates to his ex and things just go sour after one date.

 

My friends and I just dont know what to do. Our friend says he wants to move on, but he wont bring himself to. Its gotten to a point where all of my other friends have started to cut contact with him and I'm one of the only people left sticking it out with him.

 

I'm good friends with his ex as well, since I had been friends with her before they dated eachother. There have been occasions where I'll be having a party or get-together and they both show up, which only hurts the guy friend and he gets a bit frustrated with me.

 

Anybody have some advice for me to help out my friend? Im starting to feel like my other friends that this guy is hopeless and I should just steer clear of him. Im not that kinda person and I want to help him out. You guys think hes hopeless too?

 

Thanks...

[ocrob]

You sound like a great friend. I feel bad for your friend because he probably loves this woman so much. I would recommend that you have him join this site and read the posts. They seem to help all of us. This poor guy has to let go. He is suffering way too much. Maybe this site will help. Maybe he needs a little therapy. I know it is important to express yourself to your friends, but all of us have a limit. Maybe he can come on here and express himself. That is what I do now. I don't bother my friends about my heartache anymore. It gets old and most just don't want to hear about it anymore. At least here, he can vent all he wants.

 

ocrob

[Mun]

Your friend is not a victim, he made choices and they just happened not to lead him anywhere--as far as his football career. Do you think he is just afraid to lose another relationships and so he sabotages before it even get's off the ground?

 

If that were my friend I would remind him that it's been 4 years, she is having a life and he needs to do the same. In fact, I had a friend who went on and on about her ex to the point that she started calling her ex her bf again...it was really sad and I didn't know what to say anymore. It was her sister that told her something like " the way you are carying on, EVERY song on the radio will be your song, truth is you are not together and you need to move on in your life. He made a choice and you need to pick yourself up and keep going. " Not very deep words, I know, but hearing it from her sister made a difference.

 

Maybe you should give him a little reality check and tell him that you don't want to hear about his ex for the next 5 years and neither did the other friends, which is why they don't come around anymore. You know he is a great guy and there is someone else out there for him and he is missing it because he is still looking at the one that got away.

 

Ocrob has a good idea, therapy, would he consider it? Maybe he needs more help than you all can offer him.

[chai714]

When I feel I can't help someone, I refer them to see a professional who can. He may have OCD and his obsession is his ex - now this is something no amount of convincing or talking to him can help.

 

It also sounds like your friend has some pretty low self-esteem. If he's a model, then he ought to be confident that he can date pretty much at-will.

 

As far as him turning this into HIM being the victim - he's just selfish. He left her. As far as I know, he left her for selfish reasons and has now reverted back to his selfish ways in claiming that he's the victim.

 

What can you do for him? If you've done your 5 years of listening to him talk about her, then you've done more than your share as a friend. There has to be a point where you draw the line, unless you don't mind hearing about her year after year after year. With that being said, ask him if he really wants to heal. When he answers yes, suggest he see someone who is professionally qualified to REALLY help him get his head right.

[goodquestion]

Another way to look at it is if he never _tried_ to chase _his_ dreams, he would have regretted it for the rest of his life! Of course, maybe he never gave her the choice to stick it out with him, but whatever ... if you have to chose a integral part of yourself (ie a passion), versus someone, I would always go for the passion, because that's what makes you who you are, and why people would be attracted to you in the first place. Tell to open his eyes, stop being selfish, and move on.

 

later,peace

[bsp_kjm]

If that were my friend I would remind him that it's been 4 years, she is having a life and he needs to do the same.

 

Maybe you should give him a little reality check and tell him that you don't want to hear about his ex for the next 5 years and neither did the other friends, which is why they don't come around anymore.

Its funny because all of my other friends already told him they didnt wanna hear about her anymore and he STILL went on about her, thus they stopped talking to him. I guess maybe its my turn to do the same.

 

As for the therapy, we've brought it up to him, but he's a tightwad and doesnt want to spend the money for therapy. I told him maybe his insurance would cover it, but he says he doesnt have the time or desire to see one.

 

As for the selfish part, yeah, he's pretty selfish. He's been there for me through my breakup, but hes usually just out for himself. He's still a good friend of mine and I really want to help him, but I guess maybe there is nothing else for me to do

 

thanks everyone

[lady00]

You have been there for him, done all you can as a friend. You have even suggested he get professional help, which he probably does need. I think therapy can be a great thing when dealing with a tough breakup but he needs to be willing to try. If he isn't then I think you'd be justified in giving up trying to help him. 4 years is a long time. He needs to take the intiative to get over his ex but it seems like he would rather just dwell. That is on him. Eventually when he finds he has no friends left, hopefully he will take charge and do something about the pain he's going through so that he can enjoy his life again. It may seem harsh to just leave him be at this point but there comes a time when after exhausting all of your efforts and emotional ressources/support as a friend, you just have to let go and let the person find their own way towards healing.

[chai714]

Let him know that peace of mind is priceless. If he doesn't believe you, take him to visit a mental ward then ask him again.

[bsp_kjm]

so my friend who was the topic of this thread gave me a call about two weeks ago and said he was relapsing about the breakup... which happened almost 5 years ago. told me how he still loves his ex and still hurts so badly over her. he was doing really well too... rarely mentioning her in conversation... but these last two weeks, she's the only topic he can talk about. I dont even know what to say to him anymore. One of our mutual friends pretty much yelled at him for a good hour, telling him to friggin move on already, etc... guess it didnt sink in. I just feel so horrible for my friend because I know how he hurts... I have my bad days too when I miss the good times with the ex... but man, this is just pathetic. I dont know how to help him

[Helen67]

Is there any chance that the ex g/f herself could try and tell him once and for all to move on?

 

He obviously feels like he doesn't have closure (apart from also sounding slightly out of touch), and perhaps if she were to tell him..."Look I'm never coming back to you, I am happy with my b/f, and you're losing your best pals, move on!"

 

I don't know, just a thought, but maybe he would listen to *her*, where he hasn't listened to the rest of you..

 

Anyway, good luck, and you really have been a true friend, but I don't think anybody would blame you, if you decided to cut ties.

[Juliana]

Has he tried to contact her? Have they talked since he left school?

 

Everyone has made some good suggestions, but I think what is required here is medication. This is really out of his control at this point. He is mourning for her like a part of himself that he can't get back; this is something that he is going to have to go through, and people can either be with him through it, or not. What I find interesting is the fact that with all his attachment to her, he seems to steer clear of her for the most part. So I think there's still hope for him; he's not stalking her, he's not pursuing her against her wishes, and thereforeeee he must still have some concept of himself as a separate person from her, and that he has a life to live apart from her. It is the grief that haunts him; the question is, why.

[Mun]

Ya know, it can be a bit of a comfort zone to stay stuck in the past rather than move on. I mean, it can be scary out there in the dating world.

 

Maybe you all need to take a different approach with your friend, like taking him on adventurous, risky outings. Think rock climbing, sky diving... not in this weather but you get the idea. It might get him feeling better about himself and put him on the path to moving on........you never know.

 

Or I could just be giving you some really bad advice