Aren't there ANY success stories? Please help

[healinginnyc81]

I just want to know if anyone out there has actually had success getting back together with someone who broke up with them? I would love to hear some encouraging stories b/c i haven't seen any.

 

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum.

 

I was dumped by my college gf of 3 yrs. last week (12/7/05). like everyone says we seemed perfect for the first 2 years. we never even had a fight that we didn't settle before going to bed. we're both shy, tend to like being in quiet settings and have similar experiences of loss and childhood difficulties, have similar values including political, spiritual, not following what's popular, being independent; we enjoyed doing a lot of the same kinds of things like traveling, reading, watching odd movies, discussing philosophy, trying new things, singing, dancing,etc. and we had very similar dreams and goals such as moving to a big city, starting our own store, seeing new places, and we're both doing accounting but plan to move on to something that uses more creativity. we were going through a rough patch for the last couple months mostly i think because i was depressed and insecure about myself. but she had been like that last year and i helped her get through it. when she dumped she really just said that she wanted time apart to think b/c she wasn't as attracted to me and was attracted to other guys. i was upset and she could see that i was hurt, but i gave her back her things and i took all my things from her room and haven't talked to her since. I want to talk to her just to ask if she still has feelings for me and wants to work out our relationship. i know what i need to work on - my comfort with myself and getting over depression without depending on her. I've been through long term depression before and i got through without talking to anyone. It's hard b/c i've spent the last few days trying to come up with a reason why our relationship wasn't good for us and I just can't think of anything. We talked all the time about how the relationship stood and there just wasn't any warning of this.

 

Do you guys think that's a bad idea to ask her if she wants to work on the relationship? i just want to know if i should hold out hope or just get myself better and move on. and if anyone does have an encouraging story that would really help. thanks so much.

[TiredMan]

Here is my take on this. It will probably differ from all the NC talk that goes on here. Do what YOU want. If she is what you want, then do whatever you feel you should do to make what you want happen. Life is too short for games and all that stuff.

[healinginnyc81]

That's how I've been feeling but it sounds like that's the worst thing i could do right now b/c it may just push her away even more.

 

I'm so scared and confused. But thank you for replying.

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend and I successfully got back together but I don't have any really great ideas that are sure fire to get an ex back because well, there really aren't any.

 

Some things I didn't do:

(after doing them all )

 

I didn't call him

I didn't ask him for another chance

I didn't accept a friendship

I didn't beg

I didn't explain to him logically why we should be together

I didn't tell him I would change

I didn't send him cards or other tokens

 

You get the drift. I made most of these mistakes at first and they only pushed him further away from me. I lost hope, gave up, and did my best to move on. I still loved him yes, but I was doing really good and found happiness without him. That's when he came back.

 

I'm a big advocate of doing nothing because anything else you do you will probably regret.

[healinginnyc81]

Thank you, liquidcherry,

I guess I have to just pull myself together and start going back to life without her; making friends, hanging out, getting through college. I think keeping the hope of getting back with her is probably not good for me. But it's just so hard to think that we were going so well until I started getting depressed a couple months ago. I'll keep trying to be strong though, I appreciate the support.

 

PS how long have you and your bf been back together, if you don't think thats too nosy?

[healinginnyc81]

I was just desperate, that's why i posted this. I just realized that there are already a bunch of threads about success stories.

 

Anyway, I think everyone is right, that the only thing i should worry about right now is getting myself healed and back to enjoying life again. So i will continue the N/C that i started immediately after the breakup.

 

thanks for all the support.

[chai714]

One one hand, LiquidCherry is right on. That is probably good advice for most people, since most tend to do all the wrong things (but at the time, they think they're doing the right thing).

 

On the other hand, that approach is risky because you risk not talking to them for quite some time. It takes a balance of what LiquidCherry said - withdrawing and knowing when to approach, how to approach and how to get them to respect you. Not easy, but she's on the right track.

[ocrob]

My ex broke up with me after 8 months. I was pretty hearbroken, but decided to be her friend. She started dating a guy and I was out having all kinds of fun. Once I gave up on her and she saw how many new female friends that I had, she wanted me back. With that said, we went out for another two years and she still broke my heart. But, she was ready for marriage and I just did not respond the right way. So, I guess there is hope. But, in my case, I highly doubt it. Once a woman gives her all and then calls it quits, they dont' want to go through the pain again. Just think if a year from now you are over your ex, will you want to open your heart up to the pain you are feeling now? There is no right answer, but those are the facts you might deal with.

 

ocrob

[healinginnyc81]

chai714 I hear what you're sayin and that is my dilemma. from what i've been reading, I think i should wait a couple of weeks and see if she calls me. i think i can deal with that and I'm not going to call her for at least three weeks.

 

ocrob, your story definitely is giving me hope. I don't think i could be just a friend though, it would just hurt too much right now, but at least i know there's hope for us.

 

Thank you all.

[ocrob]

Well, I have learned from my experience that women may come back, but once they give up for whatever reasons it is over. I hope you guys get back in with your ladies. The last time I talked to my ex she said she loved me and missed me and was now in a realtionship. The can love you, but are they in love with you. Once they say no, then don't give them the satisfaction of having you as a bestfriend. It will only tear you up. It took me a long time to realize that. I am sad and miss my ex, but am starting to open my eyes again and there are some great women out there. Some really attractive ones too. lol It seems after getting dumped and being sad you have more confidence because you are afraid to adore a woman again. Women read that and it works. Hopefully, good times are ahead.

[healinginnyc81]

I made a big mistake. I was online talking to friends and suddenly she came on and after a minute we both said hi at the same time. we chatted about class but then i made the mistake of asking her if she wanted to talk after class tomorrow. She didn't say anything and signed off a few minutes later. I don't know if I should try to meet her tomorrow anyway or just forget it and move on. Man I feel so pathetic. She's in total control of me.

[LiquidCherry]

PS how long have you and your bf been back together, if you don't think thats too nosy?

 

We have been back together for about a month and a half, longer than we were separated for by only a few days but to me it's a landmark. Things are better than ever because he chose to come back on his own.

[LiquidCherry]

One one hand, LiquidCherry is right on. That is probably good advice for most people, since most tend to do all the wrong things (but at the time, they think they're doing the right thing).

 

On the other hand, that approach is risky because you risk not talking to them for quite some time. It takes a balance of what LiquidCherry said - withdrawing and knowing when to approach, how to approach and how to get them to respect you. Not easy, but she's on the right track.

 

I never went through NC. My ex would call me occasionally and sometimes I would answer and other times I would not. But I DIDN'T call him. I always remainded somewhat distant and this was more to protect myself than anything else. What I did was LC because I did want to get back together with him. For me things took a positive turn and so our contact increased. But if they had not I would have began NC.

[LiquidCherry]

bkjsun- Wait for her to contact you first. Let her come. Don't chace her now or she'll run away.

[Anna12]

My ex and I are back together after a 3 week breakup. We had been together for a year and a half and things all of the sudden took a downhill turn. We just couldnt make it work. He broke up with me and I was absolutley devastated. I couldnt eat, sleep, concentrate on anything. But, I was determined to keep some dignity and I tried my best to move on. THe hard part is that we are next door neighbors. So..from the day we broke up, I had 0 contact with him. I did my best to meet new people, joined some community groups and make new friends. I slowly started to feel better day by day and feel like I was going to be "ok" without him. Let me stress that if I had had ANY contact with him, I know I wouldnt have started feeling better as soon as I did. Then one day, he called out of the blue and was in pretty bad shape. He grovelled, and after many long talks, we agreed to give it another try. That was well over a month ago, and things are unbelieveable. He is the same guy that I fell in love with and we are even BETTER than we were at our best before the breakup. I am cautiously optimistic---but I feel he is worth giving a second chance. I know that he truly thought I would come back begging and crying, but I didnt. And I know he heard about me out having fun without him. That is why I really believe that No contact is the key to any breakup. It will either give the person who broke up with you regrets b/c they will realize what they lost, or you will move on MUCH faster and with your dignity.

[coooolsome]

Me and my ex broke up 3.5 months ago and I was a pathetic fool for 2 months. I basically did everything that I shouldnt have and probably destroyed all my chances. She need time and space to figure out how she felt and I didnt give it to her which caused her to basically justify her actions. There are a lot of emotions you will go through, just make sure your ex doesnt see them. Let her contact you otherwise you will be in my position and you really dont want that.

 

Things might have been different now if I didnt do what I did. I was a great boyfriend for 4 years and I destroyed all of that with what I did in 2 months. Mind you, I didnt call everyday those 2 months, probably only about 3 weeks out of the 2 months we had contact but I was an idiot. I acted like everything was ok just to go back a couple of weeks later as an idiot.

 

Learn from what I did, do NC, get in control of your emotions and let her contact you.

[Orlander]

bkjsun, I say this is the opportunity you need to work on the things you need to work on. The fact that she did not respond to you about your proposal to meet says a good deal. It could be an oversite on her part, maybe she didnt see the last message...but I would give yourself the benefit of the doubt and NOT contact her for at least a couple of weeks. Make a pact with yourself to NC until the end of the year. I would go so far as to put her on the ignore list in IM. You really need the time for yourself.

 

I went through a period in my last relationship, after it was over, where I was immensely depressed for almost a year. WOW, what a gigantic waste of my life!!! I look back now and see that that breakup was absolutely for the best. It also allowed me the opportunity to work on the issues I needed to work on, like my codependency and depression. When I met my last gf she even came with me to a couple of the codependent meetings I had. This past breakup is completely different than the previous one I had and that is because I stay focused, busy, and maintain a positive attitude. yes, I get mad and angry and sad, but I always stop myself from feelings of dispair and depression. No one is worth being depressed over.

 

I advise you to use this great opportunity to seek help about your depression. It isnt something that will ever go away without help, drugs, or a complete change of perception. Take my word for it. One of the things that keeps me from feeling depressed is waking each day and thanking god to be alive. I am truly grateful for life...that makes all the difference, regardless of whether you have your gf back in your life or not.

 

 

Orlander

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks to all of you for advice and stories that you're sharing.

 

I actually saw her today after our exam and she gave me a slight smile, so i asked if we could talk. we talked for 20 minutes. I told her that i was ready to move on but that i needed to know what she felt. I told her why i was having trouble with seeing that we weren't right for each other and i asked her to help me see what she sees - which is that we aren't good for each other.

 

She explained that she had been thinking about this for weeks now and she realized that she just didn't look at me the same anymore now that i was depressed. she felt like she was making more friends now and having more fun and she didn't think it was good for either of us to stay in this relationship.

I hate it but she was right. I said okay, I think you're right, maybe after a few months we can talk again. then we hugged and i said "have fun."

I'm sure she could see in my eyes that i was hurt, but i didn't cry or whine and i spoke with a firm and clear voice.

 

I'm having trouble truly believing that we aren't meant for each other. i think she just got tired of me being depressed and she's happy to hang out with friends again so she thinks i was holding her back from that. she didn't give me any reasons as far as our compatibility or the things we have in common, but i think she just believes that she's different b/c she can party and have fun now while i seemingly can't.

 

I guess the best thing is for me really say to myself that I don't need her and that she didn't really fit with me. How long should I grieve and how do I start making new friends and having fun again? It seems like i'll never be able to have fun again. Uggggh.

[RayKay]

I know a few people whom have reconciled with ex's, some broke up again, some stayed together and were successful, others are still together and are miserable.

 

I think in time you also realize that "success" does not necessarily come in the form of reconciling with your ex. Sometimes what we think we want, turns out not be what we really needed at all. Success can some in realizing that we have learned from the relationship, but that it was not meant to be forever. Success can come from moving on and meeting someone more right for us. It can come from rediscovering whom we are.

 

How long should I grieve and how do I start making new friends and having fun again? It seems like i'll never be able to have fun again. Uggggh

 

You take as long as you need to heal, but also realize you need to live again. For example, make a commitment that you will only cry over her ten minutes a day. No more. If you start thinking, occupy yourself with something else - put on some shoes and go for a run, or call a friend for a drink. Eventually reduce it. Eventually you will not even think of it daily. Eventually hardly ever.

 

Also, make a promise you WILL have fun again. Join a new group...try a rock climbing course, or join a cycling group. Take up painting, or volunteering. Just get out there.

 

Turn the grieving around into LIVING.

[coooolsome]

Learn to live again. She broke up with you b/c you were depressed. Fix it. Figure out why you are depressed and try to fix it. Learn to be happy again. Have fun. Life is great. You have your health and you are living. There are millions of people who would love to be in your shoes right now. Always try to look at the bright side of things even though its really hard to sometimes.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm grateful to you guys for the support and encouragement. Reading through these posts is helping me get through knowing that I'm not alone in these feelings.

 

The hardest thing right now is this feeling of helplessness. One of the main reasons I was so depressed to begin with is that I've always had a lot of trouble making friends. I've lost most of the friends I had before I met her and the ones I still have are too much into getting drunk and partying for me to enjoy it. I may need therapy.

[Orlander]

bkjsun, therapy is something to consider. So is writing about how you are feeling and reading up on books on relationships and meditation. Meditiation worked wonders for me and every single time I catch myself getting angry or depressed, I meditate for 1 minute and I am fine. Been doing meditation for about 3 years now and it works.

 

Just keep in mind that no one defines you but you. You are not helpless nor hopeless unless you believe it. You might have invested a lot of time in her and gave up most of your friends, but now is the opportunity to make new friends and find a greater happiness in life. I am convinced you cannot find true happiness in a relationship, just as you cant find a definition of who you are. Take this time to rediscover who you are.

 

The mind is a powerful thing and just like doing physical exercises, it will not get stronger unless you practice right thought and right action (some eastern philosophy for ya). Start by trying to catch the markers that lead you to be depressed. Just acknowledge them, remark them. Let yourself know that you are aware of the actions and thoughts that cause you to be depressed. Just acknowledge them and you can go from there.

 

Take a look at support groups in your area. They can be great resources (were for me). I think you are on the right track already by posting on this forum. Also, check out the AA book. Yes, that's alcoholics anonymous. The AA book is not just for alcoholics, and might benefit you.

 

Good luck. Post and post often!

 

 

Orlander

[healinginnyc81]

I appreciate it Orlander. I will definitely try meditation and working on slowly making friends who I respect and enjoy being around. I enjoy posting and reading on this forum too. It really helps.

 

Thank you.