Concerned about boyfriend looking at internet porn sites and dating sites

[tommyJ]

Hi there,

 

I could really use some advice here, my boyfriend and I have been going out for over 1 1/2 years now. He seems to spend alot of his free time surfing the internet and alot of it is porn sites. Last night, I was online and in the websites which get stored in the "address" bar, I saw two "Swingers" sites. I took a look at them and the site is for "alternative lifestyles". He also chats with other women on MSN, and claims they are "friends".

 

I realize alot of men do this, but should I be concerned? He treats me well otherwise and says he loves me and is still very sexually attracted to me. What else could it be? Does he need the visual stimulation or attention from other women??

 

I am not the best at communication as I tend to get quiet and make him wonder what's wrong - not the best approach.

 

Anyway, some takes on this would be appreciated by girls and guys.

 

Thanks!

[yeawutever]

Talk to him about it, maybe he has a problem, in that case he needs therapy. That doesn't look healthy in a relation and can lead to him looking elsewhere.

[FoxLocke]

I think you should only worry if his hobby transforms into an obsession...

 

You should sit down and have an open and honest discussion with him about it.

 

The way you've described it he doesn't seemed to be consumed by pornography, which is a good thing...But the part that bothers me are the dating sites....

 

For your own protection and well being you should address this issue with him.

[Dako]

Therapy for what? Being immature and horny?

 

He probably just fantasizes about sex with other women.

As long as it's a fantasy, it's no threat. Some guys pretend they're the world's gift to women to boost their ego.

 

Maybe he's frustrated at not having played the field at his young age and feels confined. Ask him to be honest with you.

 

If I were you, I'd consider giving him what he wants, the freedom to have lots of cybersex in an empty house. Sounds harsh, I know.

[PocoDiablo]

Maybe he wants a threesome? (Like what guy doesn't, but maybe he is trying to set something up.)

 

Personally, I would not tolerate my GF talking to other guys on sex sites. I'd dump her. I sure as heck don't talk to other women on dating or sex sites.

 

But I sure do look at porn sites. There's a fine line; I think he's crossed it.

[OceanEyes]

If I were you, I'd consider giving him what he wants, the freedom to have lots of cybersex in an empty house. Sounds harsh, I know.

 

Why even bother having a relationship, if he truly feels this trapped? I think I'd prefer to be let out on my own if this was the alternative. I think I'd rather have the freedom myself to be single, to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, than to wonder when I'm going to walk in on frequent masturbation.

 

tommy, the only person's opinion that matters is your own. Since I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes, it's difficult for me to tell you how to feel about something. Porn is porn, not really much to get upset about, but chatting with other women and visiting swingers sites might prove to be more than you can take. If you're here, asking for advice, you're obviously having a tough time dealing with it.

 

Make up your own mind about this, decide whether or not you like the idea of your boyfriend having online 'relationships' with girls. If you really don't like it, you're going to have to tell him, and mean it.

[rosstheboss]

there is nothing wrong with looking at porn, most guys do it. however if it becomes an obsession then it's unhealthy and perhaps therapy could help.

 

The dating sites and chatting are a bit more worrying. If it does upset you talk to him about it but in a non-confrontational manner. Tell him how you would like him to stop it because it makes you feel unforcomfortable but let him make the decision. If he loves you then he should stop.

 

(i'm going through the almost the same thing with my gf minus the porn!)

 

Good luck!

[tommyJ]

Haha, Dako! Thanks for calling a spade a spade. Honestly, I've had enough dating experiences to know that some guys need to know they are still attractive to other women.

 

I just spoke to him and he actually "admitted it!" He checks to see who still looks at his profile!

[BellaDonna]

I agree with the sentiments of most of the other posters:

 

Visiting porn sites: not a real big problem

 

Actually chatting with women on sex sites: a big problem.....

 

The difference is: men are visual and often are interested/curious about looking at porn now and then- but for them it is a fantasy. I think it is relatively harmless.

 

Talking and flirting with women on alternative lifestyle sex sites, however, is a REALITY.... and his talking will likely to turn into actions. It goes far beyond fantasy and harmless curiosity. It is a violation to your relationship.

 

It also does sound like there is some kind of addiction going on. If I were you, I'd talk to him about it- if he becomes defensive, turns it around on you, and refuses to get help and stop the sexual chatting part of it, then show him the door.

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Personally for me, I don't have a issue with porn as long as it is not interfering with the intimate/sexual life we have together.

 

What I do see as a problem here is he is chatting with other women online, who presumably he has met through some of these sites and so forth. There is nothing inherently wrong with having friends of opposite sex....as long as it is truly platonic and friendship. I would be suspicious of someone whom is a little dishonest and sneaky about whom he is talking to and such.

 

A lot of men "don't do this", yes there are a lot whom may look at porn, but not all men then also chat and flirt with other women. The fact he is looking at swingers sites concerns me a bit, as that goes from being porn, to being more like online dating/checking out of 'real' people with potential to MEET them unlike just porn in itself. It's one thing if it remains a fantasy, another to be chatting with women he can actually MEET. As Bella said, this is a REALITY. Not a fantasy any longer.

 

I can't tell you what you should do, personally if I were to find out my partner was on online dating sites and swingers site, he would be finding himself looking for a new place pretty fast, that goes past my own "acceptable behaviours in a relationship"! That's not exactly foreign news to him, he knows that, I know his boundaries, and we respect one another, and love one another not to even consider doing that to hurt one another. It may be online, but in both our books, it's still cheating and disrespectul and harmful to the relationship and one another.

 

I think it shows a big lack of RESPECT and commitment on his part personally. I would not tolerate it at all, and I think you need to talk to him about it and let him know exactly how you feel about it if it does indeed bother you that he has these "online relationships".

[Dako]

Why even bother having a relationship, if he truly feels this trapped? I think I'd prefer to be let out on my own if this was the alternative. I think I'd rather have the freedom myself to be single, to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want, than to wonder when I'm going to walk in on frequent masturbation.

 

 

Sorry, that was what I meant.

It's probably hard to compete with virtual women, so leave him so he can pull his pud, and find a real guy.

 

Personally, I always felt depressed by porn so I'm no fan.

[Derek]

Well, if she is mentioning it, it already is becoming a problem, a barrier between the two of them. An area that he is compartmentalizing off from her. I agree with other posters that the dating sites are a bigger problem. That kind of action is a short trip to actually straying.

 

About the porn though, don't tolerate it. It's like eating junk food, it's quick and easy to get, takes no effort, it's ready anytime, it's always hot, it never complains, you can always "have it your way", but it's empty and unhealthy and it makes a person lazy for the real thing and gives them unreal expectations.

 

I've seen my share when I was young and curious but to me most of that stuff is boring. It is so easy for a guy to get addicted to it. They can become mindless zombies searching for hours for the next image/video that they fancy. It's a slippery slope into harder core stuff and pretty deviant stuff. If you put junk food into your brain, your brain will suffer for it.

 

If you are totally committed to this guy, then perhaps the two of you can work on changing the habit together. With him leaning on you to help him change and open communication about it. But that is a difficult thing for a man to share. Usually it's a bad thing for a loved one to be the accountability partner. Perhaps a trusted counselor (pastor/priest) would be helpful.

[BellaDonna]

About the porn though, don't tolerate it. It's like eating junk food, it's quick and easy to get, takes no effort, it's ready anytime, it's always hot, it never complains, you can always "have it your way", but it's empty and unhealthy and it makes a person lazy for the real thing and gives them unreal expectations.

 

Cool analogy, Derek!

 

I agree with that. Although I don't think porn is too harmful if a sane person looks at it now and then (I've stumbled upon my hubby looking a couple of times, much to his embarrassment ) I do think it can be destructive to a relationship if people start using it as an outlet all the time.

 

In this particular situation the dating sites are an even bigger red flag too....

 

 

BellaDonna

[coollady1957]

I wish i knew answers to all of this, some of us have been thru similar circumstances with cheaters. If you read my first original post, titled " He lies, cheats, and deceives, when is it enough" you will get an idea of how my BF started his cheating and lies. Not saying that all men will progress to the point he did. Its just something to ponder and keep in mind i think.

[CC]

i fully understand what you are going through. my newly acclaimed ex was into porn, internet singles website and phone sex. he left the state yesterday and the more i think about it, the more i am concerened having to get myself checked at the doctors