active-passivenss works but...

[DiscipleOfChange]

I just thought I'd set down a few thoughts that have been going through my head...

 

For anyone who doesn't know, I've been trying a different strategy with women for the past two weeks or so which involves me essentially just being neutral with things and just being there as opposed to trying to ask girls out. For the most part, it has worked well in that I've generally been happier and have noticed my being able to open up and make people laugh and enjoy my company more. I'd be lying, however, if I said I never felt like something was missing.

Example: The other day, I went into the city with some other kids and on the way back since we were all beat, we all basically dozed off. Admittedly it was pretty close quarters but this girl and I was sitting next to kind of ended up leaning against one another and our legs were even up against one another. Once she woke up she shifted away. I'm not saying it meant anything, in fact it probably didn't; it was just what happens in a car with people moving around whe they're asleep. My point is: it ust felt so awsome being next to someone and I wish I could feel that more often.

I'm sure it's worth waiting for but the fact of the matter is the waiting can be bearable for a while but I get spells of time when all I really want is to hold someone and be held for that matter. It would be an exaggeration to say there's a void in my life without creature comfort but it isnonetheless true that I wouldn't mind having someone to cuddle with. It also seems to be taking a little more of a toll on me now that it's the holiday season.

 

If anyone has any thoughts or comments, I'd appreciate them.

[traz]

The only thing I can say is that I know how you feel and feel the same way. For the most part, I'm pretty happy, a fun, cool guy with lots of friends, a good social life...not much I can complain about. But yet, there are still lots of times where I just want to have a girl that I can hold with me, or a girl that really cares about me. It doesn't help that I moved away to university this fall, so I'm a little bit on the lonely side to start with. Oh well, it'll just feel better once I get another girlfriend

[Msnak]

So, are you saying that being passive instead of active is working better to get you the female interaction you're after? Just letting the woman come to you or initiate things?

 

There's also a message that you lead into that reveals that maybe you're seeking ways to be close to someone without having to do much, and without going too far. With tihs particular girl, is she a friend? Do you think she wants a dating relationship? Is that what you're really after, or are you just needing physical contact?

 

There have been studies done to show the benefits of non-sexual touching, with premature infants who grow stronger and healthier with touch, with elderly, who live longer just by petting an animal. These are more extreme cases, but I would easily say that some people are touch-starved in America. We have our personal space that we must adhere to when getting to know people. And then we sometimes worry what people think if we hug someone, or hold their hand. Not everything has romantic implications. Sometimes you just want to show someone you care!

[ShySoul]

Being passive and letting things come to you will for the most part make you feel better. There will be times when it gets lonely, and when you will want someone next to you desparately. But you have to take the bad with the good. In general, doing that makes you happier, more positive, and optimistic. You don't have the frustration of always being on the lookout for something, only to never seem to get anywhere. You are mostly free to enjoy the countless other wonders in life. And eventually, you will find someone when you aren't even expecting it.

 

msnak - On the touch starved thing, did you see the post on "cuddle parties?" I think you might find it interesting.

[DiscipleOfChange]

in response to Msnak: What I'm saying is that when I was doing the asking girls out routine it got to be too much of a roller coaster and never really led to anything. I also did some thinking and realized that while I did want to find someone, I also wanted someone to find me and so I wanted to not waste my efforts unless I saw something that could mean interest. In terms of still being single this technique has worked equally (un)successfully (not resulting in a relationship) thus far but I feel like I'm being truer to my real self and that real self is what I want to show the world and any women that might be interested.

This isn't about a particular girl and it isn't that I wouldn't be prepared to take steps to make something happen. Rather, I realized that asking a girl to coffee within a day or two of meeting her simply wasn't working and felt like trying something else. A tactic reccomended by the way, by several people who are in serious committed relationships

[Msnak]

Disciple-Interesting thing about the tactic of not asking someone out just after meeting them. I keep hearing the opposite, that opportunities don't present themselves too often and to strike while the iron is hot.

 

But I agree that letting someone see your "real self" is certainly the way to go. Look at it from another view--what if someone was one way, and you grew to like/love them. Then you find out that's not who they really are. It's wasted, time, effort and emotions, and likely that one or both parties got hurt.

 

Anyway, men certainly have a lot to think about when it comes to seeing someone they like or want to know better. You know how most times it's men that do the approaching, and how women--over the course of their life--will be approached infinitely more times than they approached someone.

 

Shy--Well, if someone wrote about it, no. But earlier this year I saw a Washington Post article about parties where strangers meet up and sit on the floor and just touch one another, hugging, massaging, etc.