2 years still controlling and doesnt trust me

[tinkerlizzie]

my boyfriend is very controlling. he doesnt like it if i hang out with my friends, that i go to college, or that i want to be independent. he always assuses me of cheating or wanting to cheat. weve been together for 2 years and both came from realationships where weve been cheated on. my ex cheated on me 7 times w/ 7 different girls 2 of them my close friends. his ex cheated on him once. i find it unfair that he accuses me when i should be him. he controlls what i wear, how much i drink etc. hes 21 and im 18. he has a terrible temper. he talks * * * * about my family.

on the other hand he can be very sweet and giving, and he wants me to live with him.

any advice?

[amanda22]

first and foremost: do NOT move in with him. your not even happy in your realtionship, why make a big commitment like this? he only wants you to live with him so he can keep an eye on you 24/7 and have easy accessability to go through your things. can you really say he wont?

 

second, its obvious he is very insecure and does not know how to deal with it. now, an easy answer would be to leave him, but im assuming you dont want to jump to that idea considering you can here to find a solution. so ask yourself and be brutally honest, do you make him reasons to be insecure? when you argue do you attack his weak spots (ie: his insecurity?) im not blaming you, just asking. so lets say you give him NO reason to even question your loyalty. well, than i dont know how you can make him trust you more if he already doesnt. if you move in with him i can only see it getting worse. i dont know how to reason with someone this controlling. sometimes you just have to tell them this is who you are and you love him but you are not going to change. and that its really causing a strain in your realtionship. maybe go to couples counseling. maybe take a hobby together and bring him into your life a slight bit more so he can see there is nothing to worry about.

 

we ALL have insecurities but we need to learn how to trust. thats a major component of a healthy relationship.

 

if it doesnt get better, than i think you need to set your boundaries or walk. i hate to give it such a rash decision and say "just leave him" but your not happy so something needs to change.

 

oh, AND he should be supporting you in all of your endeavors (ie: school education family friends work ect) thats what a partner should do. help you accelerate in all aspects of your life...especially happiness.

[shes2smart]

Don't move in with this guy. The controling behavior, false accusations, disrespect for your family, bad temper -- all of them are red flags for a guy who could become physically abusive. One thing that abusers commonly do is to cut their victim off from outside contacts -- that means limiting, restricting or completely eliminating the time they spend with family, friends, and other people in general. Abusers also tend to have a charming and sweet aspect to their personality...they pretty much have to, otherwise you probably never would have gotten involved with them in the first place.

 

I bet his behavior toward you could already be considered verbally and emotionally abusive. If you move in with him, his behaviors will most likely escalate and you will find yourself on a very short leash in an attempt to avoid his temper.

[theantibarbie23]

he wants me to live with him.

any advice?

 

Do NOT move in with this guy. If you do you will live to regret it as he will have an even larger stranglehold on your life. He wants to alienate you from the outside world... that is not healthy or normal by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Watch any documentary or even pick up a book about domestic abuse and see that this is one of the most common tactics an abuser will use to gain complete control over his victim. This is a huge red flag and given all the traits you wrote about him, he definitely could turn physically abusive.

 

This guy sounds like bad news. I would be heading for the hills but if you aren't quite ready to give him up, at least see if he will go see someone about his issues. If he is not willing to do that for you when they are so obviously causing you distress, do not walk but RUN to the nearest exit.

 

A good man would want you to be happy, not keep you smothered in his pocket.

[tinkerlizzie]

i first started enotalone 4 years ago when i was with my last bf, and i stopped after 2 years. and never, never before have i receive such heartfelt responces so quickly!

i left out a bit becasue i really wasnt expecting relpies.

my family is majory dysfunctional. my mom is..well..not well, and my dad has always been verbally and physically abusive to me, my mom and my sisters. they are irresponsible-forget about me at times and my bfs ngative view of them is because of this. that is why he wants me to move out with him. i see what he sees and want to leave too, but the whole controlling factors is what is holding me back. im sort of stuck in a rut-stay with family or leave with bf..and i dont know what to do.

i love my bf tons despite his quailites i dont like. he does have a temper because he used to (and now picked it up again despite my wishes, but is not doin it as much as he did before) smokes weed and that can take a massive hold on his emotions.

he doesnt want me havin girls night out , but i dont want him to smoke. he doesnt listen to me but despite my feelings i respect his wishes and refrain from doin things that i want. when i confront him in it he looks at me like im stupid and "why didnt you?" making it seem as if he doesnt realize his effect on me. ugh its just all drama. i dont expect relpies but thanks for takin time to read

[redandblack]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend and your family. I understand how hard it can be to live in a family where love is hard to find.

 

Like the other posters said, this boyfriend is showing all the signs of a future abuser. Please, please, please don't move in with him. His habbits will only worsen and he will have a real way to cut you off from your friends and control you.

 

Step back and think for a second. True love is not about control. It's about respect, empathy, compassion, affection and security (that's a laundry list, I know What have you done to cause mistrust?? Nothing. This guy is taking you for granted and believes he has you in his grasp. Love is not a power trip or struggle.

 

I know you aren't ready to break up with him, but at least do not move in with him. Maybe you can try to have a talk with him about how you feel. But, honestly I don't know if this guy will learn to respect you if you are still with him.

 

You sound like a strong person and I know you deserve more than this!

 

remember, we're always around for you, do feel free to post!

 

Take care

[amanda22]

yup sounds like a rock and a hard place. but it sounds like youll be leaving one prob and going right into another. my best advice would be to move in with a girl friend. i would say move in by yourself but its expecsive and it will leave yourself to vulnerable to having him come over or you will get lonely or broke or whatev and move in with him. for now, try to see which one of your friends wants to move out or needs a roomate OR move out with one of your sisters! just DONT move in with your bf. not unless things get better!

[kitten]

I don't want to sound like a jerk here, but this sounds like a pretty typical pattern. A woman grows up with an abusive father, and she ends up dating abusive men. The signs are there.

 

Any relationship involves give-and-take, but from what you're saying, this guy has all the makings of an abuser-in-the-making. Someone who cares about you should want you to improve yourself, and he's telling you not to go to college? And dictating what you can and cannot wear, who to hang out with, and constantly levelling accusations of infidelity at you? Telling you that you can't go out with your friends and expecting you to stop everything you enjoy?

 

No one deserves that. Don't stay with him just because you're scared to be without him. If he really controls you to the degree you've described, this guy is not someone who cares about you.

 

Like others have said, I'm not saying you should break up with him. But you do need to seriously consider what the past two years with him have been like, and consider it *honestly* -- don't make excuses for him in your head.

[hcochick]

there is no way you should move in with him. i agree with a previous comment that he just wants it as a chance for him to keep an eye on you and go through your things. have you ever tried just sitting down and talking with him about it? and he should respect your family and the things you are doing in life. college is very important and he needs to understand that.