how to tell a good guy from a bad guy?

[teacup]

someone tell me.......how can you tell if a guy is good or if he's bad?

 

im so afraid. i have a history of picking jerks. people who hurt me or mistreat me and i just put up with it. i make excuses for them. i excuse them. i let it go what they do to me. i didnt stand up for myself. i didnt respect myself. and what's worse? sometimes i dont even know the NORMS and normality of what i SHOULD be treated like that. that is the worse thing.

 

these days, the words out of any guy's mouth, i jump.....im frightened. i'll call him on it right away. im so vigilant, i notice every little thing. im afraid guys want me for sex. i cannot trust yet i care.....little things hurt me. i get so freaked out, i cant tell who's real and who's not.

 

i think that's why i want to play....because when you play, you dont get too serious about any person and you can always jump to the next person for comfort if one hurts you. you never have to be too responsible or caring, you can just have fun and move on and never let yourself get hurt. even if one person breaks trust, it doesnt matter, even if one person mistreats you, it doesnt matter because you can move on so quickly.

[SeaBisquit]

if he is good it shouldn't even be a question

[Beec]

I think the only way is to judge him by his actions. How much respect does he show you and others? How much does he respect people he needs to show no respect to? How fair is he? How much does seem to care about people or anything?

 

You judge him be his values nd you judge these by how he acts.

[RescueDiver]

Most "nice" guys (like me) will generally put your happiness ahead of our own. Look to how they treat strangers, if they are a giver or a taker. If they are forgiving. This isn't something that you're going to find out right away so you need to be patient.

[wlfpack81]

How to tell? Well, usually good looking guys (and girls) in general can get away w/crap b/c of their looks and are more likely to have some butthole tendencies b/c all is forgotten since they're attractive. They don't have to work on personality at all!!!

 

It's the ugly guys like me (and girls) who are usually nicer b/c they can't just walk around, or flash a smile and get attention. Personality actually has to come into effect to give them any chance.

 

So while I know it's natural to want an attractive partner just be period to more than likely have someone who will have a higher tendency to treat you like crap.

[registered]

How to tell? Well, usually good looking guys (and girls) in general can get away w/crap b/c of their looks and are more likely to have some butthole tendencies b/c all is forgotten since they're attractive. They don't have to work on personality at all!!!

 

It's the ugly guys like me (and girls) who are usually nicer b/c they can't just walk around, or flash a smile and get attention. Personality actually has to come into effect to give them any chance.

 

So while I know it's natural to want an attractive partner just be period to more than likely have someone who will have a higher tendency to treat you like crap.

Hmmm, I am an "ugly" guy too but I don't think that good looking guys are jerks any more than plainer guys. I don't think there is a higher tendency there at all.

 

I think it unfair to say that. I don't see that higher tendency...guys (and girls) of any degree of looks (good or bad) are equally likely to be jerks and treat other people like crap in my experience.

 

For every good looking guy who treats women like crap there is another ugly guy just the same. And for every ugly guy who respects women and puts them first there is a good looking guy just the same.

"Ugly" people are not nicer. They are equally likely to have those "butthole tendencies" - from experience (The nicest guy and girl I have known have both been extremely good looking - and they were nice to plain old me...but I don't base this observation on this alone).

Good looking people have personality just as much as less physically attractive people and it DOES come into play with . Believe it or not.

 

I am a fellow "ugly" guy...I am just being fair. That is my experience.

 

 

I think the suggestions about how they treat/respect others and just knowing are spot on.

[smallworld]

Every guy has the potential to be good or bad, but generally if a guy is "good" he likes you, respects you, and wants what's in your best interests. Like SeaBisquit says if a guys' "good", there's no doubt about it. You can trust him with anything -- money, your deepest secrets & desires, your body, your best friend's body (lol) but most importantly with your heart.

 

A good guy cares at least as much about your feelings as he does his own and he'd never do anything that would knowingly hurt you. When a good guy likes you he wants to make you feel loved and happy. He's interested in your life and what makes you tick. He wants, values, and respects your opinions. He makes an effort to be friendly with your family and friends because he knows just how important those people are to you. He finds even your most annoying habits endearing. When he fights with you, he fights fair. He wants to solve the "problem" and his fights are about issues, not about trying to tear you down, shut you up, or shut you out. Even when you disagree, he always remembers that you're someone he loves dearly, not his archnemesis.

 

In his mind there's never enough time in the day to spend with you. And when you're apart he does little things to let you know he's thinking of you and/or to make your life easier. (i.e. cooks or brings home dinner when he knows you're had a hard day, nurses you back to health when you're ill, takes your car in for an oil change, and occasionally buys you little gifts "just because" something caught his eye and he thought you might like it.) Essentially you can rely on him for "better or worse" for anything... whether it's running out to buy you feminine products in an emergency or holding you when you can't stop crying. When he touches you, you can see in his eyes how much he loves you. He never pressures you into doing anything you don't want to do and he'll wait as long as it takes for you to feel ready to be intimate with him. Sex isn't just sex for him. There may be a world full of beautiful sexy women out there, but for him there might as well be only one woman... YOU. When he holds you, time stops and it just feels so right. There's no doubt or question in your mind that he loves you. You just know that everything that you are is everything he wants and needs in a woman.

 

So how do you determine whether you've fallen for a genuinely good guy or an imposter? Take things slowly and watch how he handles the "small promises" he makes you. Does he show up when he says he will? Is he there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on? Does he willing put his ego aside to resolve conflicts? Does he respect your time? property? feelings? Does he have good relationships with his friends? family? Does he pay back others what he owes? Does he take responsibility for his actions when he fails? Does he pride himself on having integrity in his professional life? It's these little things that tell you if you can trust a person with your heart and your life.

 

One last thing: Love him and treat him as you want to be treated, but don't start off by giving him the "world." Dating is a dance of give and take and if the guy truly likes you he'll naturally want to reciprocrate because he wants to make you as happy as you're making him. That being said, if you're needs are being meant, instead of being accusatory or assuming that he's like all "men" (sexist), just tell him how you feel with "I" statements and try to find a happy compromise. (Example: I felt hurt when you did 'x'.)

 

PS. No matter what you tell yourself, "playing" is never playing. There's always a potential to get hurt, so if you're going to play, play for keeps and only for that which is worth winning. Life is short and if you're spending all your time trying to "accept" or "fix" Mr. Wrong, you'll never have time to meet Mr. Right. Good luck!

[Juha]

Smallworld you are so right...How they treat you , how they talk to you ...How they treat your family and friends...ANything that is important to you will be important to them...Everything you posted is how I am but it did not matter...

 

With my last g/f I played for keeps and she did to but as soon as a little difficulty hit and the newness wore off she was out of there...

 

I did all those little things but I guess it was not good enough...

 

She is immature and needs to grow up...SHe thinks she knows what love is but really does not...I care about her more than anyone...I made sure she was ok when she was going through a rough time...When she was sick I took care of her...I was there for her and when the rough time hit me she bailed because she could not handle it...

 

SHe has makes poor choices in guys, her family says this and she even told me this...She told me she never thought anyone could treat her or feel the way I do about her...All she ever has gone out with are losers, addicts, and mental abusers her whole life...Now she is with a mental abuser and recovering??? heroin addict...Makes me feel good that she wants that over me...

 

Well I got through the things I needed to alone, no thanks to her...It was more difficult without any support but I am doing it...

 

I am getting angry just thinking about it...

[teacup]

juha - don't feel bad about it because she is blind and digging her own grave. i have been like that picking jerks, losers, abusers and it has hurt me more than anyone else. im a mass of nerves, anxiety, fear, stress, and i feel awful and terrible all the time because i have been through those awful experiences. it has made it very hard for me to trust men, to want to go out with them, to be out there dating because i have been pushed around and slapped around so much. i no longer want to go through that anymore. it hurts too much...i have hurt myself more than anyone in this world. and i am still blind to who is a good guy and who isn't.

[Jadtt]

someone tell me.......how can you tell if a guy is good or if he's bad?

 

im so afraid. i have a history of picking jerks. people who hurt me or mistreat me and i just put up with it. i make excuses for them. i excuse them. i let it go what they do to me. i didnt stand up for myself. i didnt respect myself. and what's worse? sometimes i dont even know the NORMS and normality of what i SHOULD be treated like that. that is the worse thing.

 

Teacup, I have often noticed two things about women who pick the wrong men. The first thing I notice in that, in these cases, what you see in a man is quite often indicative of what you feel about yourself. If you are not confident and have low self-esteem, you will often not believe that you are worthy of a man that is decent, kind and awesome. As such, you will continue to go for the jerks because they will provide you with the attention that you feel you lack, even if it is negative attention. Additionally, I often see people finding themselves in the same type of dating situations because they are creating the exact reality that they want to, even if it is unconcscious. Because they are not keeping a positive frame of mind, and they are negative and keep thinking that the only people they attract are jerks, then quite often they create that type of dating reality because it is the only reality that they know and are comfortable with. Maybe I'm out in left-field here, and I will conceded that there might be people who do not agree with this, but it is just something I have observed.

 

these days, the words out of any guy's mouth, i jump.....im frightened. i'll call him on it right away. im so vigilant, i notice every little thing. im afraid guys want me for sex. i cannot trust yet i care.....little things hurt me. i get so freaked out, i cant tell who's real and who's not.

 

The reason why you cannot tell what is real from what is not real is because you are obsessed and consumed with your insecurities in your relationships. You have to let the past be the past and you must recognize that, although you've been in difficult situations before, that doesn't necessary mean that every relationship is difficult. Look at everything you've gone through, recently and in your past, and start to consciously recognize your frame of mind and how a) it affected the situation and b) how you helped create the situation. I am not saying that everything is your fault, but your frame of mind can consistently have an impact on the situations around you. You must learn to step back, breathe and relax. If you don't want to find yourself in difficult dating situations in the future, then you must make a commitment to respect yourself and make yourself happy first. A genuinely happy and positive person will attract positive experiences into their lives.

 

Also, you must recognize that you are not being fair to any man that comes into your life if you consistently have a lack of trust for them because your past is dictating your present reality. You must learn to trust people, keep emotional distance and protect your own happiness, while at the same time being cautious...but not too cautious to where you are not giving the next guy a chance. Your insecurities and worries will show through to the men you are dating, and they will start to w/d and lose attraction in you.

 

i think that's why i want to play....because when you play, you dont get too serious about any person and you can always jump to the next person for comfort if one hurts you. you never have to be too responsible or caring, you can just have fun and move on and never let yourself get hurt. even if one person breaks trust, it doesnt matter, even if one person mistreats you, it doesnt matter because you can move on so quickly.

 

Do you really want to play a person? Is this what you really want? Would you like it if someone did that with you? I don't think so. I think what you are trying to say here is that you would like to casually date, to a point where there is no commitment and you are simply gaining experience in the dating world.

 

Honestly, you have to learn how to control emotional attachments yourself. When I get into any new relationship, I like to expect the best, but I learn to detach myself from that expectation so, that if anything happens, I am not hurt. It is a combination of optimism and realism. You are being optimistic so that you don't create negative situations, while at the same time understanding that not everything works out the way you would like it to.

 

What you need to ultimately recognize is that life is all about learning, your experiences will always teach you something about yourself and about other people. Instead of dwelling on your past experiences, why don't you instead learn from them and apply that knowledge to your present and future experiences. This will make you a much happier person.

 

Always remember that everything happens for a reason. You have to determine why you finding yourself in these situations and what positive aspect you can draw from them so that you are not so focused on the negative aspects.

[sweetheart230]

This reminds me of something my mum said...and I posted it earlier today. She said "I really believe that like attracts like. If you are happy by yourself then you will find someone who is happy by himself". Looking back, the men I have chosen in my life when I have been insecure with low self esteem have been jerks-- with insecurity issues and low self esteem themselves. Often times, I was treated badly because it made him feel better about himself. I don't necessarily think you keep picking jerks. I think the jerks may be attracted to you for some reason. In my case, I was insecure and needed lots of validation. My ex liked the power this gave him. He was insecure himself, so it made him feel powerful that my self worth was completely in his hands.

 

After reading some of your other posts, I truly think you could benefit from taking some time to yourself and figuring out what will make you happy without a man involved. This is what I've decided to do, personally. When you are happy by yourself, I think it men who are jerks won't bother with you-- you are healthy and happy and thereforeeee they cannot use you to raise their self worth, and even if they do pursue you, you won't waste time on someone you know is treating you badly.

 

Something I might mention, is I think when you are happy and satisfied with your life, things just work out...and you should just work on achieving that first. When you achieve this, I don't think you will have to worry about the difference between the right and wrong guys...the right ones will just come naturally. This is just a theory of mine, but some very nice guys have come into my life when I was very troubled...and it never quite seemed to work out. I don't think I was ready for it. But I'm working on fixing myself before I want a relationship. And you sound an awful lot like I did (and still do sometimes), so maybe this would be a good solution for you as well.

 

Also, ditto everything Smallworld said. She gives amazing advice.

[Juha]

Jadtt you are 100% right about the self esteem issue and why people choose what they choose...They feel that is what they deserve, what they can get...

 

I remember my ex saying things like "I don't deserve you" "you are to good for me"...Now I understand why she said these things...I did research and I understand her better than she does...

 

SHe has low self esteem and does not think much of herself at all...WHen she was with me we talked all the time about everything in the past...SHe said she understood and was getting more confident in herself but I don't know what happened she just slid back...

 

I feel like I was played myself with her...

 

Teacup, you sound like a great girl but confused and lacking self confidence...It seems like you can't make any type of decision...You don't seem to trust yourself...You need to get yourself back before you can be with someone...Like my ex she just keeps bouncing from person to person and they are the wrong type of person because of how she looks at herself...I don't know if you have had any therapy but it would help to get you thinking positive about you again...

 

Feel free to pm me anytime to talk...

[Jadtt]

Juha, I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

Teacup, you do seem like a wonderful person, truly wonderful. But, I really believe that you need to just focus on working on yourself right now. Maybe take a break from men and take the time to focus on yourself and finding the things that make you happy. Life is all about finding your own way and realizing that you are capable of living a fulfilling life without anyone else, it is only when you realize this that you are capable of having fulfilling relationships, because you will realize you don't need the relationship...it is just an added bonus to your life.

 

And, as always, feel free to pm me as well or email anytime, I'm always here to help if you need anything.

[smallworld]

*Hugs* Juha. Thanks for the compliment. Actually that's another sign of a "good" guy... He knows and can admit when a woman's right.

 

It saddens me to read that someone as kind and thoughtful as yourself thinks on some level you weren't "good enough" for your Ex. Obviously if she prefers losers, abusers, and addicts to a gentleman, then she has a problem with being treated well, not with you.

 

Please don't let her low self-esteem and stupidity turn you into someone bitter who believes that "good" guys can't win. The world needs more guys like you, not less...

[smallworld]

Also, ditto everything Smallworld said. She gives amazing advice.

 

Thanks Sweetheart! You really made my day!

 

Teacup, I completely agree with the excellent advice Juha, Jadtt, and Sweetheart have given you. Discerning the good from the bad really is about self-esteem and making good choices. Right now you don't sound like you trust your own judgement. If not, it's best to take a time out like Sweetheart recommended and just learn what makes you feel happy and fulfilled whether or not a man is in your life. If you want to know what the "norms" are, take the time to make more friends with men and women and look for healthy role models in the relationships around you. Get comfortable liking and being "you" (By the way men like women who like themselves and know what they want. Win-win!) and when a dating prospect comes into your life, you'll know if he's "good" enough for you or not.

[Juha]

Smallworld thanks for the hug...At first I thought it was me...I had issues and was not the same person, I was not myself as I have anxiety and treated her and everybody badly...SHe took it as I did not want her or love her anymore..When I slipped she seemed to change also...

 

SHe has had some bad experiences in life and she feels like she can deal with them and that they don't have an affect on her anymore but I beg to differ with her...SHe has gone to therapy but did not believe in it so it did not work, she thinks it is a wste of time...I told her I would be there with her if she went and no one would know but she told me she was over everything, I know she is not...I know she has PTRD/PTSD I saw all the signs and researched it...

 

SHe is the type of person who has to be with someone and always seeks attention from people because of her low self esteem so if someone is nice to her no matter if they ar a good guy or not she falls for them...Most of the time the good guys leave her alone because they see how she is...

 

I am not going to change at all I am just sad because she is such a good person deep down inside but she puts the wall up and blocks everything out...

 

Jadtt thank you also...

[Juha]

Teacup I know or have known so many girls in your shoes at you age...

 

Girls/women in their early to mid twenties for some reason get messed up with the self esteem issue...I have had many of my friends go through what you are and it is not pretty...It hurts me to see someone I care about just keep doing what they do because they feel they need someone or need validation from a male to make themselves feel better about themselves...

 

I have seen them keep going with anyone just so they can get what they feel like they need, it is not pretty and all they are doing is hurting themselves...

 

Don't be that person..Step back and take care of you...I can understand the trust issues you have with men, maybe you should not be with anyone until you can be with yourself...I only say these things because you do sound like a great person who is lost...

 

Feel free to pm anytime...

[Juha]

Smallworld you know what is funny is that good guys like myself and my friend don't get alot of play from women at all...We are just looked at as good people...Part of the problem is women don't know what they want or are looking for...THey just keep going with idiot after idiot, not all just seems like the majority...

 

When I was younger all my female friends would talk to me about their problems so I have heard jsut about it all...

 

I won't change don't worry it just seems like I am to good sometimes to get what I want...

[grymoire]

it's very simple!

 

the good guys that treat u well and see u as a person are the ones that u will categorize as "just friends" and put them in the friendzone..

 

the bad ones that want u only for sex are the ones u will date and sleep with...

 

its that easy!

 

i have personally made it a point not to fall for a woman because of the person she is. b'cos if i do then i will become her friend and i can't date her. i just wanna see the body and nothing more.... only then the woman will feel the chemistry and want to date me...

 

go figure!!!

[skyblue1]

Honey i understand you totally. I've been played around by men and it hurts! I guess you will know when a nice guy comes along. Just don't give your all to men. Try playing it cool and be yourselve.

 

Good Luck x

[BillyJean714]

How can you tell?

 

By the little things they do. It's not the big things they do that count. It's the little things. I find that most often, it's the big things that a person does, say for instance, when they do something nice and make a big deal of it by bragging to others, "Oh look, I gave a huge donation to so and so", that person's not as nice as they seem. A person who's nice tends to be more humble about the things they do. They might share information about what they did, but they don't necessarily go out of their way to brag and impress. That's too superficial. That's why it's the little things that a person says or does, that counts the MOST. It says the MOST.

 

Traits that I know if a person's nice or not-

1. How they treat others- people in general. I.E. If they purposely ridicule other just to make themselves feel better. For instance, you go out to eat, and they ridicule a waiter/waitress in a stuck up manner, then they're not much of a good person in my eyes. Or, if they're purchasing something and they're standing in line, if the line's not moving fast enough, they quickly insult the person standing behind the registers by saying that they're incompetant, whatever.

 

Basically, if a person you're dating comes off as being stuck up, especially towards nice people, elders, etc. then I wouldn't date them.

 

2. Shallowness- I often find that a person with shallow qualities tend to place value over material things and superficiality more so, over the people they know and the people they meet in their lives. If the person is shallow, don't be surprised if they're shallow with everything else in their lives. Sadly, there ISN'T much depth to a person's personality when they are shallow. Not only do they have qualities you can't admire, but they're also very boring.

 

3. Level of sincerity/generosity- Is this person considerate? Are they kind? Do they treat others with respect? Does he take others for granted? Is he a gentleman? What is the quality of his heart? Does he hurt other people/animals? Is he a relaxed person with an open mind? Can he accept other people's opinions without personally insulting them? Is he humble? Does he try to fake his humbleness? Does he try to make himself feel better by putting other people down?

 

Simply put- trust your eyes as well as your gut. If you sense phonyness, trust it. A persons who is honest and sincere, shows their sincerity, consistently, by the little things they do for you right from- get go, until all the throughout the ENTIRE course of the relationship. That's how you know if a person is good to you or not.

[Stompy1]

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with guys wanting to have sex with you. It's only natural. If we're honest, most guys initially gauge a girl on whether they would want to sleep with her. It's instinctive.

That's not to say that that's all we want. I think most guys, me included, are ultimately looking for a fulfulling, prolonged experience. A quick fumble/one night stand can be all well and good but it's fleeting and leaves no lasting satisfaction.

You just need to persevere and trust that you will find someone decent. Cynicism will only leave you feeling hollow. Be optimistic.

And, finally, be wary of people who are too nice when you meet them. What I like to refer to as "panderers to women". The type of guy that an attached, comfident women would find smarmy can seem only too enticing when you're feeling vulnerable.

Good luck, and keep the faith.