Well I have an update.....

[OCD]

Hi all, how's it going? I just needed to vent a little I guess so here I am...not sure why, but why do I feel like crap today? After telling my ex how I felt...not to call, it's hurting me, I need time to heal, all of that stuff; here I am today, like the wind was taken out of my sails....I felt so strong for the last week and now I'm feeling.....well....strange...like I did something wrong...Has anyone felt this way after laying it on the line with an ex?

Don't get me wrong I still think I did the right thing, but it finally feels like it's over today...i guess i still miss her a bit? I don't know, but I'm trying to move on and either she wants to be with me and will call or not...I'm not waiting like I used to...thanks.

 

OCD

[keefy1972]

It's perfectly normal to second guess yourself when the results you seek don't happen right away. No matter what the result you seek is. If you want to move on, it's still going to take time, if you want her to come crawling back, that is also going to take time. It's natural to wonder if you did the right thing by laying it out there, but trust me, you did the right thing.

[lonelyfish]

OCD, you totally did the right thing! I'm sure your ex feels a little taken back by your actions and that will get her to seriously think about having any future relationship with you. She is still confused. You can't really put a time frame on when/if she decides what she wants. But realize she's confused with life in general and not just you. I know you still miss her, and from time to time you'll have those days you are feeling low. Keep up NC, it will make you stronger in the long run. I have a feeling your ex will contact you again. To give you some advice though, as much as I wanted to have a 2nd chance with my ex, I wish I prepared myself for the realization that he could move on and not want to be with me. I don't think I would have had to swallow a 2nd helping of hurt feelings if I was more realistic. I'm still hoping for you though, anything could still happen, but best to make yourself the priority in your life now and not your ex.

[OCD]

Thanks Lonely...and Keefy....it's nice to hear some support for what I did...makes me feel a lot better for my actions. I am starting to not count on her coming back...I am the priority at the moment and I'm moving on, talking to as many girls as possible, building up my confidence all over again...that is coming around after talking to different girls and how they pointe out how many good qualities I have, that really helps. Any positive feed back is great...keeps me moving forward. I'm a little more cheered up now...thanks you two. Time will tell what's going to happen with my ex, but I'll try not to think about her....thanks.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Hi all,

Just wanted to say hello, had a long weekend, and needed to vent a little...The weekend started off great, had a nice date in the day Sat...had a lot of fun...felt like normal again...then Sunday and Monday, came along with the gloomy weather...felt like crap all over again...why can't I get the thought of my ex out of my mind? She hasn't called since I asked her not to...I got what I asked for right? Well, at least this way I'm not sitting around wondering if or when she'll call right? Any way I still felt like crap...i can't believe my feelings for her are still strong and I won't let myself go...hearing "our" songs, thinking about the last words we spoke about, hopeing she's ok, her flirting with me a little on that last call, etc....it hurts this morning a little. At least it's not like in the beggining, I was a total wreck then, but I'm trying to move on...dating is helping, but it's really making think about my ex even more because I just am not finding that connection we had with any other girl, yet....It's like I'm at the plate swinging for the fence, and I foul one off here and there, but mostly swinging and missing....sorry for the baseball analogy, it works....so I keep swinging, right....Keeping NC with the EX, wrote some letters to her this weekend that I'll never send....oh well...that's all for now...heart is slowly mending itself, but I hope this farytale has a happy ending....

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

Hi OCD,

 

I was wondering how you were doing. Sorry you are feeling down, if it helps any I totally have the winter blues myself. This weekend I found out the person my ex is dating is 45 - that's 13 years older than me! Nothing against older women but what is he thinking. Though I guess if I would feel even worse if I knew he was dating someone younger than myself. It makes me think more that maybe it really was not meant to be. People keep saying I'm better off but it still hurts. But yeah, I didn't have much to to do over the long weekend and thought way too much about things, and the weather certainly is not helping. I wish I could go lie on a warm beach somewhere with a tropical drink in my hand!

 

Hang in there. You are going to have those crummy days still and eventually it will pass. I liked your baseball analogy. Keep on swinging, if you hit enough balls its only a matter of time before you hit one out of the park!

[OCD]

Thanks Lonelyfish....yep we need to keep swinging I also like your beach comment....boy I love the beach...whew!! I'm hangning in there and you hang in there too...older woman? That is strange, but does it really matter what age they are? I think just the fact he's with someone is enough for me....I mean I think if I knew my ex was with someone else would actually help me move on...that would put me over the edge...then I'd be done...but I know she isn't with anyone, and is still on the fence with me and misses me, although it's not enough for her to want me back bad enough....oh well...thanks for the reply...I appreciate your thoughts...they help me out a bunch! Let's try to keep our chins up....I hope and pray that we both have our ex's come back to us, or that someone better will come along and take all of these hurtfull feelings away...stay tuned...take care...

OCD

[curlygirl47]

Hey all --- I'm new to the forum. I've recently had a break-up, too, and it's painful, but reading your posts help. I've been reading two books about apology and forgiveness, and I just wanted to throw in a couple of ideas that might be effective strategy for healing a broken relationship (getting the ex back, in plain terms --- or in getting past the pain).

 

Did you do something (anything) wrong that caused your ex pain, either far in the past or recently?

 

Did you ever say, with heartfelt and sincere remorse, "I am so sorry for X (the thing you did, which means NAMING the offense), which made you feel X (hurt, betrayed, insignificant, etc --- it is very important to acknowledge the impact of your wrong), I was wrong, and I will not do that again."?

 

Did you also say, "I would like to do X to try to make up for that wrong or to at least heal our relationship." (Name a specific way in which you will try to heal it.)?

 

Did you ever ask the person to just tell you his/her memory of the hurt you caused and how it felt --- specifically and in detail describe the emotions, the disappointment, the insecurity, etc.? Did you listen reflectively?

 

Often, people do not tell us in detail how we have hurt them, disappointed them, or withheld our love or some other need they had.

[OCD]

Hi curlygirl....welcome....

If you read back on some of my first posts, I never got a reason for the breakup until a month later...hurt like heck....she just left me out of the blue...After finally answering her calls a little over a month later, she told me that she wasn't ready for a long term relationship because we had met about 6 months after her divorce and our relationship took off so fast...She says that she never had her "alone" time to think things over....Too bad for me it was just bad timing...she said I never did anything wrong and things were "perfect"....so I think it hurts even worse knowing that I didn't do anything wrong, just that she was confused in her life right now and our relationship of almost 2 years just got thrown away because of bad "timing". I actually don't believe in this excuse because I feel life is too short and if you meet someone that you 'click' with in every way....why throw them away without reason and because you need time?? If you love someone time doesn't matter...to me anyway...so to answer your question....I've tried to find something I did wrong, but she said herself it was nothing I did.....

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

Hi Curleygirl,

 

Glad we can be of help and many thanks for the advice from the books. However, OCD and I did nothing wrong to hurt our ex's. Basically they both freaked out about jumping into another relationship so soon after their divorces. I'm sure we both wish we did something wrong for it would be easier to realize why our ex didn't want a relationship with us. But alas, we seem to be great people who got involved with our ex's at the worst possible time and causing them not to realize what a good thing that they had which makes it even harder for us to move on.

[OCD]

Exactly Lonelyfish.......hit it right on the head with that one

 

Thanks

[coooolsome]

OCD, you should be grateful that the cause of the breakup was her and not you. At least there was nothing you did wrong, that the timing was just off. Its better than knowing that you were the cause and you could have done things differently. She just needs some time to be alone.

[OCD]

OCD, you should be grateful that the cause of the breakup was her and not you. At least there was nothing you did wrong, that the timing was just off. Its better than knowing that you were the cause and you could have done things differently. She just needs some time to be alone.

 

Thanks coooolsome, I suppose it is better, but it's still hard my man. I hope the time she has alone makes her think long and hard about me. We had something really special; just like everyone on here I suppose, but for me, after many relationships in my life and hers as well, this one was for the long run...I do believe with all of my heart. For now I'm just sticking it out, broken heart and all, hoping that this time apart will make us have a stronger relationship in the near future. Until then, I'm just trying not to think about it, although I find myself doing that daily at this pointe. So I'll be on here venting so I don't do something stupid like call her, or send one of my letters I wrote over the weekend telling her why I did what I did, blah blah....thanks coooolsome for your thoughts...

 

OCD

[coooolsome]

OCD, I know its hard but you have come such a long way. I hope that everything works out for you in the end.

[OCD]

Thanks coooolsome, yes I've come along way, actually it's been 5 months, wow, I really can't believe I've made it this long without calling her begging and pleading...I really don't know how I haven't just spilled everything out to her on the phone...I've just held tight, not called, and stayed strong, she was the one always calling me....which I thought was a good sign...she's just really confused and is not sure that she wants me in her life. I've thought about sending her a nice letter just clarifying everything that was said in that last call, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing??? The reason being that she got a little upset (ie "fine I won't bother you any more....") and I just kept it cool and stated the facts...I figured she had time to cool down by now and would understand things better on paper, she always liked my letters so I figured that might be a good move....I would just say that there is a difference between 'bothering' me and 'hurting' me...I'd love to be able to talk to her, but I don't believe she was being fare to me, only thinking about herself...I finally had to stand up for me...I don't know...but thanks....I have come a long way.....I don't know how else to get through to her besides the NC I've done, not begging/pleading, acting like I couldn't be better, etc.....

 

OCD

[curlygirl47]

I got dumped for the same reasons your ladies gave you --- ours was my fellow's first serious relationship after his divorce, and he's "just not ready." When I said I had never asked him for a commitment or pressured him in any way, he said that was true, that it was him who was falling hard and getting too attached, and he was moving toward a commitment. "If I do that," he said, "and it's a wrong decision that we made too fast and it ends up being a disaster, I just can't take that." So here I am.

 

I offered the info from the book on apology and forgiveness just in case --- I read it myself and thought it through, and I thought it might be helpful to others.

 

I'm glad you guys are here. Last night I went out and had some fun, but I miss my ex all the time and I find it really hard not to wonder where he is and what he is doing. So far, I've made no contact since Monday morning (I wrote him a letter after he called me at 2:56 in the morning and wanted to come over). I wasn't home, having spent the night with a friend. Anyway, the letter was loving but not pathetic and told him to contact me if he wanted to.

[lonelyfish]

Hey OCD,

 

Just wondering, I'm just trying to help you out. As much as I would like you see your ex back with you have you seriously considered looking at her faults? Maybe knowing my ex with someone else makes me think of his faults more but I'm just trying to give you a little insight if that's OK. Whenever someone breaks up with us, we immediately think something is wrong with "us" and not "them" even though we try to rationalize that "they are just not thinking strait" because of their situations. You know the rejection hurts though. I'd hate to think I could have eventually "settled" for my ex but maybe at the time I was just lonely enough I would have which would have ultimately led to me breaking things up with him! I know your relationship wasn't that long like mine - I'm just trying to give you something to possibly think about and nothing more. From experience, I certainly know not having enough closure really sucks as if you don't know you can't fully move on and either way I wish you would get that closure!

 

Your friend - Lonelyfish

[OCD]

Thanks Lonely....sure, there are days that I think about her faults. Actually many days I've done that, especially when i start to feel weak. She did have many faults, but I'm not perfect either, which brings on the dilema. I'm not sure if I'm just a nice guy but I always give excuses for her faults or finds reasons that they aren't that bad and are something we could work with. I know this is not a good thing to do considering that I need to look out for me. Perhaps I'm a hopeless romantic that wants a relationship and knows how to come to terms with certain issues with people. I'm a pretty understanding guy i think which might be one of my faults here. Always making excuses why my ex did this, how she did this, etc. That's why it felt pretty good putting my foot down and actually asking her to stop the calls for a while. I was shocked at myself and I know she must have been pretty shocked too. Well I put my thoughts down on paper, some good some bad about what was said the other day and it mad me feel better....i'm still not sure if I'm going to send it to her, but i might later on. I think it really sums up what I feel and how I see her. I figured if this is last time I communicated with her I'd want it to be the words I wrote down. Any way I agree with what you said about her faults. She does have many and one being leaving me in the dust...that's a pretty bad one Take care. Thanks again.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Hi all,

Just wanted to put down some thoughts before I went to sleep. This has been a long drawn out story of mine. Still haven't heard from the ex after I told her that her calls were hurting me. It's been two weeks so I'm finally starting to move on. Met this wonderful girl yesterday and we had a good time together. Who know what's going to happen, but it just goes to show you that there are millions of people on this planet and it is possible to connect with many of them. I still do think that my ex and I were great together and miss her terribly, but I'm learning to cope and move on, not much else I can do. I asked her not to call because it wasn't doing anything for me but get my hopes up and I started living on that false hope that we're getting back together. She never did say those words so I'm standing tall and hoping now she understands that I'm out of her life and this is the choice she has made. I won't be available to her when she needs someone to talk to after dumping me. So I just wanted to give a quick update on how my life has been, meeting many different girls, dating it's a whole new world. I hope I find that special someone to be with forever....that's a dream of mine since I was a kid, to meet that princess to sweep her off her feet and ride off into the sunset...We'll see, I'll always keep that hope deep down for my ex and hope she turns it around...I'll keep you all posted. Good night

 

OCD

[sibling295]

ocd - you are such a great guy-

 

it will all happen for you!!!!!!

 

hugs

 

sib

[OCD]

Hi Sib,

Thanks sweetheart, hugs to you too...Thanks for the kinds words...How are you doing?? Crazy world we live in huh? Take care, and good luck to us both!!

 

OCD

[OCD]

It's perfectly normal to second guess yourself when the results you seek don't happen right away. No matter what the result you seek is. If you want to move on, it's still going to take time, if you want her to come crawling back, that is also going to take time. It's natural to wonder if you did the right thing by laying it out there, but trust me, you did the right thing.

 

Hi all,

Hope everyone is doing well. Just re-reading some threads, getting some encouragement if you will....so far a pretty good day, question. I am suppose to stick to NC now, correct? I mean after all I did ask her to stop calling so I could heal and if she wanted to work it out just say so, etc....So it brings me to a pointe where I have this letter I've been holding onto for a couple of days now....basically explaining how I feel, explaining that last call we had, how I thought she misunderstood, etc....is it worth sending her this letter after the many calls I've received from her. I guess I'm feeling like I'm being a little harsh, and perhaps I need to be to get my pointe accross to her. I'm pretty kind hearted and just wanted to send something telling her why I did this, etc. It sort of makes myself feel better I suppose, but should I stick to my guns, stricked NC, letters, emails, texts, smoke signals, etc....or do you think this letter would be a nice gesture?? Thanks all.

 

OCD

[curlygirl47]

I'd send it, but that's just me. I'm wondering if my ex got my letter to him that I stuck in his truck door 8 days ago. He never responded. Surely it didn't blow away? I'm wanting to write another little note and just say something sweet, but I won't do it right now. One thing that bugs me is that he told me there were girls he just didn't call back after he started dating me because he didn't know what to say. I told him I didn't want to be one of those girls, and I meant that. I told him he should say exactly what is going on and not be afraid to. So it kind of pisses me off to hear nothing, and it hurts, too.

[keefy1972]

No don't send it!! Afterall, you did ask her to stop calling so you could give yourself a chance to heal. Give yourself that chance. Sending her a letter that, deep down you'll be expecting a reply out of, will NOT do that. It will keep you mired in this muck of never-ending pain. Let it go! Make her come to you, in no uncertain terms, and say "OCD I want you back"! Anything short of that is unacceptable.

Best of luck!

[OCD]

Thanks Keefy....and Curly....I'll keep you all posted. I know she needs to come back...I was just thinking I just blew up all chances...getting soft I guess....thanks, I'll hang in there.

 

OCD