*My wife Is Cheating on me...HELP, im alone*

[geeman]

i guess after so long of just taking all this crap, i have tried to do something but i cant so much has happened and im still in a situation, none the wiser even from all your advice and help - i look at myself and think what an idiot. i wish i could just walk but i cant - i need to find out for sure, even tho i have so much evidence i need help - pls someone help me

[marathoner55]

Why do you have to gather evidence?

 

Simply go to a lawyer and say you want a divorce. In most states (I am assuming you are in the USA) you don't have to prove fault. Its not the 1950s anymore, this is the 21st Century.

 

Is the reason you think you have to gather evidence because you think it is necessary to obtain a divorce? Or for some internal personal reason?

 

- Marathoner55

[candy604]

i'm sorry to hear that, that's horrible. You need to separate yourself from her. Her excuse for no sex is very stupid. Marriage should have a healthy sex life. Anyway you should just get a divorce or separate from her. You've seen enough evidence ( should have taken pics to prove it). I mean the worst thing you can do is hire a detective and take pictures.

 

But your wife is cheating and you need to get out of the relationship unless your able to forgive her and move on. But i suggest you find someone else that deserves you. But that's outrageous and i feel so sorry for you.

 

Is there a helpline you can call or someone to go see to have consuelling? i'm sure there is

[Rabican]

Why do you have to gather evidence?

 

Simply go to a lawyer and say you want a divorce. In most states (I am assuming you are in the USA) you don't have to prove fault. Its not the 1950s anymore, this is the 21st Century.

 

Is the reason you think you have to gather evidence because you think it is necessary to obtain a divorce? Or for some internal personal reason?

 

- Marathoner55

 

reason i say gather advise is so that she doesnt try to lie and turn the tables and take him to the cleaners when divorce is final. Last thing he wants is to be paying for her house, alimony, etc. for the next 20 years on top of everything else he put up with.

[Daddy Bear]

geeman... i'm glad you posted again. of all the thousands of threads that i've looked at here, this is one that i've never forgotten, and it couldn't have been more than 48 hours ago that i last wondered to myself how you were doing. i know that you really have tears in your eyes when you write here, and i want so badly to hear that you've chased this problem away.

 

please tell us what's holding you back. is it tradition? intimidation? fear of being alone? a combination of these things?

 

talk to us, my brother. we really care, and maybe we can help you take that step if we have all the information about what's going on inside of you.

 

you're not an idiot, and i'm not giving up on you. ok?

[puppeteer]

i'm goin through something very similar my friend.

 

the basic fact is this...the person you loved is gone.

 

in her place, is someone who has so little respect for you and so little love for you that she was willing to lie and cheat on you.

 

you don't need that. no one needs that. for whatever reason...obviously a relationship fails because of things on both sides of it, but no one deserves to be cheated on.

 

look at your relationship...what were the good points? what were the bad? what can you do to improve so that your NEXT relationship will be better than this one was?

 

but first and foremost...get out of this. it's beyond saving at this point. for your sanity and your heart...get out.

 

i only found out my wife was cheating on my a little over a month ago, and i quickly started NC...it's done me a world of good.

 

i've begun to see that yes, there were problems with our communication, but i did nothing to deserve being cheated on.

 

my wife has revealed herself to be a selfish, narcissistic coward who couldn't be honest with me. and worse, she had no intention of ever telling me about the affair. she was gonna just say we were different people and needed to move on...

 

i don't need someone like that.

 

you don't need someone like that.

 

you will find love, you will get better. you will be whole and alive and free again.

 

you will survive this.

 

breathe.

 

you will survive this.

 

best to ya.

[geeman]

hi everyone,

 

Been sometime since i last posted, main reason being i took it to myself to actually give this marriage a go and see if it could get better. Months have passed and well nothing has changed, yeah i still feel the same way about her - that i love her but its almost gone now.

 

I guess i wanted to find out more somehow or another be it some proper evidence, i know i should listen to you all and you all are right but i just needed to be sure. all the evidence i have is sufficient enough but for my heart to also feel it, it wasn't. So thats why i stuck with it. Months have gone and we still havent made love, it does make me sick even the little things like touching her foot or snuggling up she just moves me away, not in a nice way but quite harshly! i guess also why i havent done anything is becuse our lives have been busy and have got so much on i no its a feeble excuse but im strugglin and i guess the culture behind us im scared of the community and family knowing!

 

i thought about catching her out be it if i called the guy in question and threatening him or asking a friend to call my wife up and threaten her that she's someone who knows and you better tell you husband, i dunno its prob i can't bring it up with her!

 

BUT NOW i have come to the fact that i have lost the love of my life i have no feelings for her cos i have snoooped around and luckily for my luck actually cracked her hotmail account and well there is one email that she forwarded from her work add explaining everything and just that one email has so cemented in me that i have to finish this...The email included the fact that she was with a guy from work and now that she is seeing another guy who she feels is the one! HOW SICK! And top of that she explains to this new guy that she made love to this guy and not me... a few bits from email....

 

Opening line..."Its true i love you for the person that you are and for the person that i am when im with you."

 

"And because i love you so much i cant say guess what and just leave it at that its unfair. You telling me its ok and that you can wait just reminds me of all those qualities i fell for in the first place"

 

"XXXXX was my first" I have been with hubby since 1999. We never had proper you know what. I have given him nothing back and he needs to tell me to go

 

"all i know is that i once had become a strong friendship rather than the love of my life. Did he pity me"

 

You have brought so much into my life

 

All i say is trust me when i say i love you i do and i have given myself to you which is the most precious thing i have.

 

so thats what i found i guess its the final piece, i just wanna know if i should threaten her or just sit down with her and just go our separate ways, im gonna say give it 3 weeks or so and then i will have the talk, will finish it. Its gonna hurt but now im more stronger than before, cos when i confronted her first time i was the one who was crying and pleading with her.

 

Is there any tips or ways of putting all this accross, should i show her the email, or just say this is not working out and say is there someone else in her life, all im stuck with now is how to say this cos i have made that one big decision that i wanna finish it, life is too short, i so wanted children but not with her now, so wanted to grow old with her but not now. I just pray the future is not as hard as this but i want my life back, want my smile back, want happiness back, want o sleep at night....

 

btw really appreaciate all the advice, and yeah i'll keep posting now cos i know im gonna end....

 

thanx

[Rabican]

Gather any evidence that you have for the divorce lawyer, and then pack her bags and pile her stuff up on the front porch. Change the locks, and when she comes home and yells and screams, tell her to go be with the new man that means so much to her. Then shut the door in her face.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I am glad you updated us on your story. I am sorry that you are still hurting.

 

so thats what i found i guess its the final piece, i just wanna know if i should threaten her or just sit down with her and just go our separate ways

 

Don't threaten her, and don't sit down with her. What you need to do is sit down with a lawyer. Keep those e-mails for your legal records, serve her with the divorce papers, and take your dignity with you.

 

BellaDonna

[Rabican]

why would you wait 3 weeks to end anything, you said your feelings for her are gone, she says as much about you... although she doesnt even have the respect to tell you, she tells her 'other man'

 

Sounds to me that its over, if thats the case end it now... waiting will only prolong the hurt. You could be 3 weeks into healing and getting over her 3 weeks from now. Instead if you wait, you will just be starting the drama of ending this debacle.

[Daddy Bear]

thank you for updating, geeman. her email is all the sickening proof you need to be sure that she is not only a parasite but is fully aware of it and will continue to take advantage of you, to suck your blood and pick your pocket, until you stand up for yourself and kick her to the curb (as we say around here).

 

the apple in your hand is full of worms and cannot be made whole. this happens to the best of us, and is no reason to feel shame or despair. see a lawyer tomorrow and tell her to leave tomorrow night, then look at yourself in the mirror and see the man who did the difficult but necessary thing to regain his stolen self-esteem and who set himself on the well-deserved path to real happiness and peace.

[geeman]

thanks guys...really do appreciate your advice.

 

 

[Helen67]

As much as you are trying to delay it Geeman, you should really make that divorce lawyer's appointment. My reason being, that although you are feeling stronger, and less love toward your so called wife, you are still not letting go!

 

A lawyer, you must remember, hears such stories everyday, it's their job, and they do it well. Just being in the presense of somebody who will help take control, will automatically give you relieve and a sense of normality.

 

They are not councellors, but they are experts in their field, don't assume that every person who walk into their offices, go "I want a divorce, I am strong, I am happy with my decision!". You can bet most people are lost like you and very hurt, and at the end of their tether..

 

Please make the appointment, take your evidence, give the lawyer a strong case, and the let the lawyer do their work. Nobody will consider you weak, and do Not think you are weak because you couldn't hold this marraige together.

 

Your wife I promise you will do the same throughout her life with other men, you are not at fault, and I promise one day you will realise this, when you have met someone truly worthy of you.

 

Please write soon, and please see the lawyer, just one phone call and one appointment, and I am certain you will begin to see some light!

 

Helen x

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you won't even need a divorce if you have not consummated the marriage and you have that in writing in email she has sent to other lovers, you can get an annulment and start your life fresh with a *real* wife, not a woman who uses and abuses you like this one...

 

You need to protect your financial assets with a lawyer too. she is very scheming and cruel to be having multiple affairs while being a very cold 'non'-wife to you. She may try to take any assets you have with her when she leaves with her latest lover, which it sounds like she eventually will do if you don't annul the marriage first..

[geeman]

just a random thought, i bet so many film/tv writers browse though our threads and stories to pull out a few juicy stories, just made laugh at how all our lives are just one BIG SOAP!

 

Anyway...once again thanx for the support, i so wish i could just sit down with you guys and just talk. Weird but its like when i come here i gain strength from it and am almost there in actually sitting down with her and telling her whats what.

 

I know im not the best with words but would wish if someone could just give a jist of how i should just come out with it. Did think of just saying "our marraige is not the same, there seems to be nothing there, is there anything you wish to say" or do i just show her or read the email out to her - shock treatment...i dunno, alll i know is that i want my life back and she's so out of my life!

[Daddy Bear]

geeman, you've gone through enough drama to last you a hundred lifetimes. for that reason, i'd like to suggest that you keep it simple and express your wish for her to leave calmly and quietly. if i remember right, she's already said to someone else that you should tell her to go; i don't believe that you will even need to offer an explanation.

 

i truly, truly understand how you feel; our lives are not all that different. many of us, male and female alike, find it natural to accept abuse of whatever type and struggle on under the crushing weight. there is no justification, however, for one person to endure lonely tears and quiet, long-term suffering at the selfish hands of another. there comes a time when the best thing to do--the right thing to do--is to hold up a hand and say, "Enough."

 

i will continue to root for you and look forward to the happy day when i log on to eNotAlone and read the news that you have found someone who exhibits the kind of loyalty and respect for a lover that you hold within yourself, for a good man deserves no less than to have the same goodness bestowed upon him in return.

 

have heart, friend; the sun will shine for you, and all the sweeter that you will be the one who has swept away the clouds.

[MessedUpInHead]

TALK TO HER...don't yell or argue...if she startes yelling & can't TALK normailly then treat her like a w.hore and kick her to the curb...maybe then she'll realize she's in lala land or realize she's happier without you.

 

either way you'll get better soon since right now i'm sure its killing you knowing all this stuff is happening in the house where you also live.