Don't let this happen to you.

[KileOriginal]

I'm sure my story is just another of the sad break-up tales, but I do feel I did screw up particularly bad in this one. I'll try to keep it reasonably short.

 

I lost a good relationship of two and half years with a girl I really thought I was going to marry.

 

Funny thing is we were together shortly in high and had a bad break up then, we didn't talk for two years until one day she emailed me to tell me she felt bad and was in Germany teaching English. We started talking again and she invited to come see her in Germany before she left. I had no money and no passport but by a summer of working and some help from my brother be sent off to war in Iraq I made it happen. Some were in the middle of the atlantic I realized that I was crazy for leaving the country with little money, no knowledge of local language and not having seen this girl in over 2 years, but what can I say, I was still in love with her.

 

So met up with her there and had an amazing three weeks before we both came back, by then we were a couple again.

 

The relationship was loving and healthy, but sadly ALWAYS long distance. I still got to see her on a regular basis and we really had things great for a while, her family loved me, even having my sleep in the room next to there's when I was there visiting her.

 

Well anyway, something happened this summer. Not sure anymore what it was, but I became restless and I allowed my mind to wander. Then when she talked about leaving the country again for two years, hence leaving me, I started to question her about her commitment in a very aggressive matter that started our most unatural and horrible fight. (just for note, it was highly unlikely that she would have actually left the country for that long, but I allowed this moment to get me)

 

We were on the very of reconciling in a week when I decided to be a jerk and try to use her coming back in peace to gain more leverage in the relationship. Worst choice of my life.

 

By the time I realized what I was loosing the damage was done, now she was the one calling the shots.

 

I became the one begging to reconcile and trying reach out to her. For a while we would occasionally talk, until one day she just got mad at me out of no where stayed mad.

 

Probably three months on from that point now, and I am still tormented by her loss. In a moment of weakness I tried one last time to reach out to her a few days ago, calling and text messaging. She has expressed no desire to even communicate with me anymore, meaning there really is nothing I can do.

 

It seems like she got over my loss in under a month, but I feel like this pain and loss will be with me for the rest of my life.

 

What gets me, is that while I caused the whole mess and bare alot of guilt for it all, I never abandoned her, and I eventually came to my senses, but she, she has literally cast me out of her life. I thought there was more to us than this, but it seems there wasn't.

 

As dramatic as it sounds, the whole situation has really shaken my very faith in ideas of love and commitment. I don't want to believe that every woman even her is an evolutionary designed machine that hates weak men, but all my old ideas about love, about being connected to some one seem to be thrown out the window.

 

Now I look around at the girls that surround me in my fourth year of college here, and while they are attractive girls, they truly are very shallow people, especially in comparison to my ex. There are other things more valuable in person than there being attractive and near enough to see everyday.

 

My ex really was almost the perfect match, and six months ago I could never have even dared to imagine things would end like this.

 

I will never love again, and that's not said for dramatics, I honestly believe that.

 

Thanks for listening to me moan.

[ratherbesailing]

Sorry Kile, we all screw up in our relationships at times and it is very frustrating trying to maintain a relationship long distance. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you will get another shot. If not with her, then someone else will eventually catch your interest whether you are looking or not.

 

Good luck

[heloladies21]

Well 1st thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself because this wasn't your fault. If she really was even thinking about leaving the country again, that's a red flag that she wasn't serious about you. Next stop glorifying your ex because she wasn't perfect. If she was so perfect then how come she's making this huge mistake by dumping you? This is really all her fault and it means that you will find someone better than her who will truly care about you because she didn't.

[coooolsome]

Dont ever think you will never love again. You will be ok but you have to really let her go. Start to date some of these shallow girls b/c you know what, you are generalizing them without even knowing them. Not all women are the same and you thinking that way is just limiting you and who you meet. You have control of yourself and you should do things for yourself. There are millions of women out there and Im positive you will find someone else.

 

Dont think so down about yourself. You made mistakes and you need to fix what you think was wrong with yourself. Make yourself a better person. Im pretty sure that 99% of the people here thought they would never love someone else.

[KileOriginal]

ratherbesailing Thanks for the encouraging words. But I don't want to love again I decided. (lol, that sounds like teen angst stuff, lol)

 

heloladies21 Its not as you interpret it, she just has the travel bug, I never really believed that she was going to leave the country any time soon cause we had talk about these things before. While I do hold her to blame for being the one to truly quit, I really did start the whole mess and didn't take the chances I had to make ammends.

 

coooolsome I have tried dating some of the girls around me, and some have become friends, but I'm pretty darn serious about the being shallow comment. I don't know if it is were I am or the age group I'm involved with, but it just seems that alot of these people are self obsessed and use my financial resources as a way to guage my worth as a partner versus just a friend. I've thought that maybe the problem I'm facing is that while I'm working my way through school, alot of these girls come from way better off backgrounds and have just come to expect similar from the guys they date.

 

Anyway, thanks all.

[KileOriginal]

I'm probably stupid, but I send her this email:

 

You know what?

Scew you.

I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and someday you'll realize that.

So go, run and hide from life, see if I care.

 

Also was told by an old friend that she said we're threw and that she was going to return to Europe.

 

Fine by me cause she was always a coward that would run away from hard things in life.

[Hannibal]

Ummm in my eyes that was a very bad move. It will come accross as a vendictive attempt to hurt her by you. Now the ball is totally in her court.

 

I hope you know you're never going to get a response from that email?

[behappy]

if u really love her why not go overseas and follow her? why not visit for one week and see what happens? if she means everything to u why not give it one last shot than u can move on- u need closure and your heart hasnt had that yet

[Da5id]

 

heloladies21 Its not as you interpret it, she just has the travel bug, I never really believed that she was going to leave the country any time soon cause we had talk about these things before. While I do hold her to blame for being the one to truly quit, I really did start the whole mess and didn't take the chances I had to make ammends.

 

I think heloladies is right on. I read your post and I think that you are putting way too much of the blame on yourself. There were two people involved here and I have a sneaking suspicion that the whole conversation about her leaving the country was designed to get the exact reaction it did from you.

 

My girlfriend from 4 years ago that lived with me at the time suddenly got the travel bug. She had committed to me but somehow felt that she was missing out on something and had to see the world... the world without me of course.

 

Consiquently, she did write me a long letter 3 years later explaining how she wished she had tried to work things out and that I still have a very special place in her heart.

 

Of course, by the time I got that letter, I had been in 2 more relationships and was wishing the words were written to me by my current or soon to be ex.

 

The moral of the story? I'm sorry you're hurting, but this is temporary. Including your feelings about love.

 

BTW... being available and committed to your mate... or even being afraid to lose them, does not make you weak.

[ratherbesailing]

Kile -

 

If only it were so simple to actually be able to switch off the available for love button. Somewhere out there right now there is a terrific girl that's making her way through the curves and bumps that life gives her and you two will run head on into each other and you aren't going to have any choice brother, your heart will fall in love again whether you want it to or not.

[onmyownagain]

Fall in love again. What a scary thought, might have to go through all that pain again in the future

[KileOriginal]

I just feel so powerless. She's running away to Europe. I love her, but I am also so angry at her, but its an anger from the sadness that she is going away.

 

I say I never want to see her again, and I mean it, yet I can't bare the thought of not be able to see her again.

 

Truly I thought I had learned all my lessons from previous life experiences and that things were going to work out for me and her.

 

Now she's going away and I have to be left with angry tears in my eyes and a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

Why do these things always end with me being so powerless to make them right???

 

Why?

[chaos]

All the conflicting emotions really suck, I had the same thoughts when my ex left me. The worst part about it is the total lack of control. You can't make her love you, you can't change her mind, nothing you do will make any difference. It's hard as hell to accept, but she has to make her own mistakes. I'd like to think that someday my ex will see the huge mistake she made when she left me but I'm sure, by the time she does, it'll be too late. Hell, it's been less than 2 months and it's probably already too late. All you can do is accept it's over and try like hell to move on. No more emails, ok? Don't call, don't text, don't IM, nothing. Mourn the loss, take it one day at a time, one moment at a time if you have to. Time is your worst enemy and your best friend right now. Yet another conflict, sucks huh?

[KileOriginal]

I joke with myself that I should sit at the window on cold night playing sad opera music, drinking a cup of dark wine, and just say to myself "I will never love again!" lol.

[KileOriginal]

Its only been one week, and yet I feel like its been months.

 

About one week since I sent her that angry text message mentioned earlier in the post. No responce, but I guess that's understandable.

 

Now I regret it.

 

When we broke up in highschool I didn't remember doing anything like that, and it was two years after the fact that she contacted me.

 

I don't imagine I'll ever hear from her again.

 

I was playing with the idea of sometime after Christmas when she has had her first holiday in about three years without me, that I may send her a letter in snail mail just saying that I was sorry for the angry message and that I hope things work out great for her.

 

What I will never understand was the transformation from someone who loved me to some one who hated me that happened so fast. Is this a girl thing? I simply do not know.

[Hannibal]

Kile -

 

your heart will fall in love again whether you want it to or not.

So well said.

[Juha]

Your heart will fall in love again only if you want it to or let it...

 

It may be a long time before you want to feel like that again...

 

Not being negative just sharing some experience after I went throught a couple of breakups that I really did not let bother me all that much...

I tool time for me and did not have any seroius relationship for 5 years because I did not want to...

 

Now after this last breakup with my true love I can't say I really want to deal with those emotions anytime soon again...

 

Just go out and have a good time, date around...

[KileOriginal]

After the fiasco with the mean text message I had blocked my ex from my messengers.

 

What I didn't recognize was that when you block some one on AIM you can no longer see them come online. I had figured all this time that she had stopped coming online.

 

In the last few days I've really come to accept life as it is now, but felt like I needed some kind of small action comfort myself for being so rude earlier and decided to unblock my ex. Its hard to explain, I'm just weird.

 

Anyway, turns out she was online and I didn't realize it.

 

I didn't know what to do, so I just signed off, I don't know if she even noticed I was online.

 

Things are so different now and everyday reminds me of that. Despite this, my former life with my ex seems so distant and dream like now, almost like it may have never happened.

 

Yet, I feel empty, and sadly I've started some somewhat destructive behavior to myself. I don't really want to go into details, but I am getting bad habits and I realized I really need to take back control of my life.

 

For a while I thought I may just needed some one else to fill that place in my life, but now I really just want to be left alone.

 

I just wish things hadn't ended with me and her the way they did.

[KileOriginal]

I cracked again.

 

It was finals week, alot of things coming down to the line, and at a particularly stressful point I wrote down a letter in one of my notebooks to my ex.

 

It said I was sorry to ending things on such a bad note, told her that I felt it was wrong that she broke up with me without ever seeing me face to face, but that I forgive her and am sorry for the things I may have done wrong.

 

I asked her to remember the good things about our relationship and told her I hope she does well in life.

 

Then I ended it by just saying "I said all I needed to say."

 

It was a reasonably short letter, and without thinking it over I went over to the student union and mailed it to her.

 

Now I wonder if it was a really bad mistake. I didn't want my hurtful message to the last thing I said to her, but I know I should just go on.

 

I wonder if the coming holidays will give her time to think about me at all, but this is a pretty pathetic hope on my part.

 

Who knows? Any one who kinda knows my situaion from the post have any thoughts?

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, breakups and the "limbo" bit that we sometimes create are very sad, but can also teach us things.

 

You say you are getting bad habits, I'm glad you recognize you need to get that power you gave to your ex back (and not give it to other things anymore), right now no contact is a great place to start, the more you contact her the more you put yourself in her hands, you must stop.

 

I'm afraid the letter wasn't a great idea but I'm sure you know that, you are waiting, for what?, she didn't seem very interested in being straight forward with ending things, instead she used (and keeps using) your words as a justification. Don't give her any more tools, if she wants to continue let her say it, if not just follow the signs, the relationship is over but you are not, you surely have things that interest you, you're studying, that is your life, that is where your time and efforts have to go now, no more her, it's you from now on.

 

You also mentioned a joke about wine and sad music, do it, allow yourself to say good bye and be depressed about it, you must get everything out.

 

I know it's difficult but be strong, don't talk to her, don't login to instant messengers, don't read the mail accounts she knows, cut ties, and don't blame yourself, it seems like it didn't work, but what you learnt and are learning from the experience will make you a stronger person.

[healinginnyc81]

Kile, I'm going through almost the exact same situation as you. My ex gf and I were so happy for 2 and a half years (we both go to the same college). But over the last half year she had become more outgoing while I was becoming more of a loner and wanting to spend more time reflecting on what I was doing with my life. Well, 12 days ago she suddenly broke up with me saying that she felt I wasn't making her happy and that she wasn't as attracted to me anymore. I still think we were so perfect for each other and I can't find any faults in her to make me think otherwise.

However, by breaking up with me she has made it clear she doesn't feel the same way. I have been focused on not getting into any more relationships and taking the time to heal by letting myself be sad and spending time alone every other day.

I think this would help you too - take the time to accept that you may never get her back but to realize that you are your own best friend. Try to take up old hobbies and do things that maybe you didn't have time for when you were with her. I have been able to spend more time hanging out with friends on weekends now that I'm not with my ex. I still have a lot of times where I don't feel like being around anyone and I feel anger and sadness a lot.

But we will get through this phase in time, the best thing is to make sure we take care of ourselves and enjoy some alone time.

 

PS We had talked about marriage and kids all the time even a couple of weeks ago although she told me when we broke up that she had been thinking about breaking up for almost two months

[KileOriginal]

Thank you all for you support.

 

What really bother's me is that she has yet to see me face to face since breaking up. Wouldn't that bother anyone else?

 

She's basically cast me out of her life when once she looked at me tear filled eyes saying she could never imagine life without me.

 

What's worse, and I know this is not right, but last week at the hight of all the stress when I couldn't sleep I left my apartment and bought a pack of cigarettes.

 

I've smoked before, but was never a smoker and never had bought them before. But for some reason I felt like I needed something to take the edge off.

 

At first it seemed like it helped, but I was just as restless when I tried to go back to bed.

 

I haven't smoke any cigarettes since then, but now everytime I'm feeling so nervous and uncertain have to contend with an urge to smoke.

 

What is going on with me? I am so alone, 5 months ago it seemed like I had lots of friends that I would go do stuff with, and I had a girlfriend who really loved me.

 

Now my roomates and I have had a falling out, my girlfriend hates me and never wants to hear from me again, and with finals over there is no one around but me.

 

A guy gets a little crazy stuck in an apartment all by himself, leaving only for work. Even if I wanted to get out a bit, this town is so dead when the college is out of session.

 

I've done alot more reading recently, but I can only do that so long before it wears me out.

 

I will eventually go down to my families home, but that means being in the same city as my ex, and she definitely does not want to see me.

 

Meanwhile, I keep having vivid dreams with my ex in them, and having occasional panic like moments when I realize she really is gone.

 

Oh well, I just have to keep going somehow.

 

Sorry to whine so much, and thanks for reading.

[healinginnyc81]

kile, don't feel like you're whining. this is a great place to talk about how you're feeling. I am still going through the same panic moments and dreams of my ex too. I also have had to spend time by myself and read and try to watch tv even though i can't really get into anything.

The urge to smoke is probably b/c you're trying to fill the void left by your ex. I've had the urge to get really drunk but I know that's not what I need.

I think what's been helping me is to take time to be sad and empty-feeling, it's okay to feel that. But then whenever you do feel like doing something you enjoy you should do it. If you feel like talking to someone pick up the phone; you might want to work out or you might want to lay on your couch and watch tv. Whatever it is just let yourself heal naturally and don't be afraid to be sad.

After breaking up with me my ex was still in classes with me and would just walk right by me and never look at me. she lives in the same dorm building as me too and she would purposely walk a different path to class and she stopped going to the dining halls I went to, so she obviously didn't want to look at me. It's probably b/c she felt a little guilty but it's important for you and me to stop worrying too much about what the ex's are thinking and focus on ourselves being independent. Most days I don't feel like doing anything and I don't have many friends that live around me, so I will just sit on my couch and think about everything that happened and let myself be depressed until I feel like doing something.

Reading and posting on this website has also helped me alot. Keep going; you WILL feel better just take time for yourself to heal