feeling unappreciated

[navyDave]

hello everyone,

This is my first post here so please bear with me. I am just feeling very unappreciated by my wife lately and it is flowing over to our kids. My wife and I have had our problems throughout our 17 year marriage. Let me bring you up to the current situation. Back in 1999 my wife was hurt on the job and she had to have surgury on her knee. After the surgury she developed a nerve disease and can no longer work. During this time I have taken her to all of her Dr. Appts. The children and I do all the housework. I am working 2 jobs and going to college. Yesterday I had to drive over to her doctor's office on the other side of town to get her perscriptions and drive back over to our side of town and drop the perscriptions off to pick them up later. I get home and find out that the kids need some things from the store(which I do all the shopping also). As I am leaving I ask her if she wants some Mexican food from her favorite restaurant and she says yes. I go shopping, and get us some mexican food and come home. After we finish eating I go to get her perscription and she asks me to pick up some soda also while I am out. When I get back she has a scowl on her face and when I ask her what is wrong she says that she just had to clean up my mexican food and didn't appreciate it. I appologized we watched some tv and I went to bed. I am sleeping in a different room because of my snoring. I get up this morning to her yelling at me because my alarm that I have on my cell phone woke her up. I then go to the desk to get the paper that I have to correct for college and she starts going off on me again because I just left it sitting on the top of the desk. She says she is so over cleaning up after me. I think I do plenty and wonder that if I forget to put my foil in the garbage or put my paper away should I really get yelled at. Am I expecting too much? I know I have problems expressing my feelings too. She is very dominating and I still don't deal well with confrontation. If someone can give me some advise on this I would greatly appreciate it. .

[Beec]

She dominates you, and you let her. In her current situation, there is a lot that she doe snot have control over so she seeks to exert mroe control over what she can control, YOU. You can shrink from the confrontations and let is go, or you can do something about it. It won't get better until you do something about it.

 

Good luck.

[navyDave]

That is why I am here. What do you suggest "I do" about it?

[WildChild]

Because she has gotten away with it for so long, it might me like a good slap in the face if you did stand up to her.Can I ask if you stood up to her, what is the worst in your mind that would happen?

[Beec]

Well you need to say something and act as if you are ready to walk, literalyl or figuratively.

 

For example, when she yelled about cleaning up your dinner, I could see you saying bought time you did something around here for me. You are inviting the confrontation, which is you need to know is coming. She is going to yell and fight, but you need to take it and stand firm.

 

You could look at her one night, wait for her to start yelling and ask her if the yelling is needed and ask her if her complaint is that you don't do enough? You work, clean, shop, etc.

 

There should be no question here that you are going to haev a fight, and probably ltos of them. You will need to stand firm and let her try all the stuff she does and not be affected by it. When she scowls, either don't react to it or don't react to what she says about why. If she complains about cleaning up, I'd say "thanks for cleaning up" and shrug. And react as if it did not bother me, no matter how she screamed.

 

One another note, I might set her up for the fights. By this I mean, I might try to make her feel good and then I'd pick a fight the next day. With one ex, I did somethign like this. I got her a little, not expensive, present, make her feel good, then the next day went and said we have a problem and told her what I wanted. With you, I might do this continually.

 

And soon, I would move back into my own bed. If she does not like your snoring, tell her to sleep elsewhere. If she did not like my snoring, oh well.

 

You need to decide that you are going to wear the pants. She won't give them up easily.

[RayKay]

Is this a more recent thing with her, I mean since her disability and her medications? Or has she always been this way? I wonder if it is possible that it is either stress related, or a side effect of the medications. Also, if she is feeling "unproductive", she may take it out on you by making her seem more so then you, she may be worried about you losing respect for her. It is hard to say. Because of her disability and the medications, I would advise that counselling and talking to her doctor may be of benefit here, as it is very possible that they are closely related to this.

 

Now, aside from that, it is also a matter of you not allowing her to treat you that way, it sounds like when she yells, in order to avoid the confrontation you "yes honey" it, and get out of the situation. Instead, you need to show some backbone, and if she is clearly in the wrong, stand up for yourself. If she gets mad you did not do the dishes though you were doing other things, and she yells at you, very calmy (do not raise voice, or get angry) but firmly say "I have just spent two hours shopping, and I also felt getting you your prescription was more important then doing the dishes". Be clear you will not let her walk over you. I bet you she also does it as she wants a reaction out of you, or a sense of control, by demonstrating you will not let it get to you, and that you are in control of yourself, it may go a long way.

 

I think though you also need to sit down with her, not right during an argument, and let her know how all of this is making you feel. Make sure she is aware you know how hard it is for her given her own battles, but you are both just trying your best, and you appreciate her efforts, and hope the same in return. You can't do it all, there are priorities, and that you need to feel appreciated for the man you are, not how many chores you can cross of the Honey-To-Do list.

 

I think your resentment is partly you are feeling more like manual labour, over being loved and respected for all that you DO do, and the man you are.

[theantibarbie23]

Is it impossible for her to work at all? Can she contribute anything to the household? I had someone in my family who was quite active become disabled. I've seen a definate change in her personality.

 

I think it's because disabled people can feel useless if they are unable to "pull their weight" that they start lashing out at the people close to them.

 

Her feelings of being inadaquate have caused her some serious depression. As a result she is obsessed with the house, which has become a sort of self-imposed prison.

 

She too gets angry over things like a dish left in the sink or sock that missed the hamper. She doesn't leave the house much, so there is little else for her to occupy her mind with.

 

Your wife sounds like she may be taking all her fustrations out on you. See if she would agree to go see a therepist with you because she needs to work on her anger before it dissolves your marriage. No one deserves to be their spouse's punching bag.

[Tigris]

I suggest you talk to the doctor and tell them exactly what is going on in your household. Disability causes depression. If she's not on depression medication already then I suggest you ask the doctor is this what is happening?

 

What is the name of the disability? Please explain the symptoms if it's not a common illness. How long has she been suffering with it?

 

Sometimes it can take months or even years to come to terms with an illness or disability. She's thinking of herself as being disabled. What she needs to do is think of the positive things she can do.

 

In England we have an organisation that provides disability aids free of charge so that the person with the disability can help themselves. There is a 'grabbing' device that you can pick the letters up off the floor, a stool that leans forward so you can reach to do the washing up, etc.

 

There are also support groups that can talk to you about your problems and you can meet new people.

 

She needs to get out of the house! The more she's inside and doesn't get any fresh air the worse it is going to get. I know because I lived in my bedroom for 3 years! On some occasions it made me feel safe and on others I felt like a caged animal! If she's constantly in the house this could be happening to her!

 

Is there a 'Daycare Centre' she could visit? They encourage people to do activities. Is there a 'Respite' place that could give you a rest?

 

Does your extended families help to take some of the strain off you? My family didn't believe I was ill until I ended up in a wheelchair!

 

How old are your children? Could relatives have them stay at their houses for a weekend? Encourage them to spend as much time with friends as possible.

 

If you do not get help soon you will end up being ill! You need to think what is best for the majority of your family!

 

Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm also on MSN. Just ask for my address.

 

I hope things improve for you soon.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Beec]

Tigris has a good point in looking at her disability and possible depression. I bet some of this is related. However, it is no excuse. You should not have to be a punching bag or abused because of what happened.

 

I might try to figure out where she wants to go from here. She does not want to be stuck in the house. I might ask her what she wants, get her dreaming, schemeing how to get the life she wants. get her looking and working for it, and then, when she felt good about that, that might be when I pick my fight.

 

You need to both support her and stand up to her. You can do both.

[ratherbesailing]

navydave -

 

Let's start simple. This weekend have a family meeting and announce that you need help, you just can't do it all. Have your own list ready, but start a fresh list of all the household chores with everyone there and then split up the tasks. Your wife's list might be short, but if she's able to pickup the dishes, then she gets that one and does it regularly. Post the thing on the fridge. Unless your kids are too young to walk, they should be helping as well.

 

I think she'll have a hard time arguing over the chores once they are on a list. She maybe lashing out at you because she's frustrated at her limitations, but once she see's how long the list really is, and she's signed up for her share, she's got to back off a bit and she'll probably end up feeling more useful herself.

 

Don't forget to put your two jobs and studying on the list, those are all family related activities.

 

Different people have different ideas but I think if you are really going to have a marriage, you've got to get back in that bed. I've heard of different cures for snoring, ask you doctor or check on line.

 

You can't let her push you around constantly, if you do she really won't respect you. If the problems don't get better then drag her to some counseling so you can get the issues out in the open.

[WildChild]

Great advice! I concur

[Tigris]

I know what it's like to be in constant pain, I have a condition called Fibromyalgia Syndrome which affects every muscle in my body. Without painkillers I can't move without screaming!

 

Until my pain medication got sorted I was going around in a vicious circle of pain and depression. The more pain you get the more depressed you get! I have a feeling that this is partly what's going on with your wife. That's why she is shouting at you, etc. I agree this is not a good environment for you or the kids (6, 11,13 and 15)to be in. You definitely need help, the problem is where from?

 

Isn't there a person called the 'Family Liaison Officer' in every branch of the armed forces? Could someone like that give you advice on where to get help?

 

What pain medication is she on? I'm on two good ones, Naproxen 500mg and Tramadol 100mg. If she's not on these mention them to the doctor. Also, ask the Doctor about a different type of depression medication. She'll only get better if you tell the Doctor the truth.

 

Does she see NHS Doctors or Naval ones?

 

Can she walk or does she get around with a walking stick or in a wheelchair?

 

Maybe some of the Navy wives could pop around for a coffee morning. The reason I'm saying this is I know that when I'm alone and in pain and that's all I can think about it makes me feel worse. When someone talks to me for 10 minutes or so it takes my mind off the pain and I get relief even if it's only for a short time.

 

Anytime you need to talk or want advice just ask. I can't promise miracles but I might've been in the same situation at some point.

 

Good luck and take care.

[sweet_emilia]

i guess she should not used her disability to act like that... She saw that your doing and he should be more resoable in yelling you. If other guy is in your position i bet he will left ur wife Disability lead to desperation and i guess she is thinking alot and maybe testing u how long ur patience is. But you should talk to her and tell her u can't do all things like she does before she had this disability things. I know you love her so much and it show. But try to talk to her and tell your feelings. Also encourage her, i guess she can do some other light things on ur place. Dont teach her to just sit down and watch what ur doing. Help her to bring back her life again.

[TheFoglifter]

Initially I was going to ask if the nerve problem would prevent her from feeling the smack in the head she sorely needs. But the problem does go deeper than just an inconsiderate person.

 

In all probability she knows that she is mistreating you, and probably feels like she is watching as someone else controls her body. As an analogy that might clarify this for you, when my Dad was out of work, he was quite crabby. At least he was able to go out, job hunt, and do whatever -- your wife is a prisoner. Its hard to feel useless.

 

Have you already explored things you can get for her to occupy her time? Is there a series of books she likes? Can she play video games? Can she proofread papers? Can she take an online course, or trade stocks, or do some arts and crafts, or anything like that? Could you get a cat or a bird or a fish or something?

 

If all of this fails (or has already failed) then I don't think there is going to be any reaching her, and you might as well at least stand up for yourself. As was said earlier, whats the worst that can happen?

 

- She can't hurt you physically.

- I'm sure sex is already out of the question.

- She can't support herself, and nobody else would want her.

 

If she could channel that energy into something else, then maybe she'd improve?