Initiating No Contact Letter -To Stop Her Having Her Cake and Eating it

[BONO]

This is the letter I send to the ex 3 weeks ago before going into NC. The reason I did it was to let her know that I was not going to be in contact with her - although as you can see I use the words "little contact as possible" - due to my social situation. However, actions always speak louder than words.

 

The situation is she is best friends with my brother who lives with me and I am best friends with her best friends. She broke it off after 2 years because of a mixture of depression and work related issues. There is a school of thought to say dont even tell them, and also a school of thought to explain why you will not be in contact with them.

 

She wants me to be her best friend after dumping me. She also says she will be heartbroken if I get another G/F. I cannot do that because of that little thing being in love. Fundamentals of having your cake and eating it apply.

 

 

Dear XXX

I know you have been busy but the reason I wanted you to squeeze me in at some point this week is I have had a good think while I was away and wanted to tell you rather than email you at work.

 

I know you want me to be your best friend but for now it's probably best for both of us in the long run to have as little contact as possible, so we can both get re focussed on our ever changing lives. I can't put a time limit on it and I hope you understand and can respect this. I don't want to be harsh, but moreover realistic so that one day we might again become friends in the purest form. But for now, as hard as it is going to be, we need to live separate lives.

 

Please don't get upset over this because this is a good thing and should be quite easy for you with the move up North. Deep down you know it will make you happy in the long term, and as always, that has been my objective.

 

 

XXX , you have been a very big part of my life and I will always have a special place in my heart for you.

 

Please take proper care of yourself and try not to drink too much white wine over xmas so XXX ( a character I call her when she is very drunk) can rear her little head!

 

Take care Kid

 

Me

 

 

 

I hope this might help a few of you. It helped me and drew a line under the "having your cake and eating it"

 

 

 

Thoughts ????

 

Jamie

[heloladies21]

Fine, but make sure to realize that she probably won't respect your request and will break NC for her selfish reasons at some point. Try not to let her get through, or if she does be civil but aloof, address any real issues and cut the conversation short.

[Ms Omaniac]

i found your letter to be very concise and unbelievably sweet. you have your valid points...that makes you look like your are trying to help her AND yourself. so it also looks like your act is not selfish whatsoever.

you also ended it with your sweet petname to her and tried to keep it as lightly as possible despite the situation being as stressed as it is.

i hope she grants you your wish and sees the letter for what it is...someone who is hurting but is trying to keep things light so that there is minimal pain involved.

beautifully done....i guess let's just see how well both of you handle the situation.

good luck.

[Lenny70]

youve done exactly the right thing mate, the letter is upbeat and positive.,youve let her know how you feel and what your going to do about it.....and now you can focus on yourself!..... n/c is definatley the way to go,its a much quicker way for you to begin to heal yourself and she will respect the strength you have had to do that!

Its a hard thing to do to let go of someone you love.....but at the end of the day, weve relly got to look out for number 1....no one else will!......

N/c gives you back your control and with that comes back your pride and respect, it will also make your ex realise that you will no longer be in her life..at all! after a while she may start to doubt her decision to break up with you, but for her to realise this n/c has to be maintained, she will have to realise you wont be there for her every time she calls or txts!

good luck mate.......i told my ex something pretty similar 17 days ago,and am feelin much better than i was then!

[chai714]

When we communicate with people or tell them of our future plans, it's usually because we want feedback or a reaction. I've read many "NC" letters and I think most of them are to try to get some kind of reaction. Like you said, actions speak louder than words. Good luck with whatever happens.

[Jut]

The letter could be upbeat and sweet but it has been sent. And it has been sent to satisfy the subconscious part. We want to test whether the ex thinks about us or expect a kind of reply from the ex. No Contact means No phone calls(not even picking), no emails, no letters, no metings, no "accidental run " downs around their house. believe me Scurffers if you want closure first make urself understand that this is over and there is no way you can get in touch with them.

 

"XXX , you have been a very big part of my life and I will always have a special place in my heart for you."

 

You shouldnt have written that. This is telling them " beat me , kill me or disrespect me-I wont mind. Coz my selfless love for you means i have no self respect"

[Hawk]

Jut - I think you make some pretty good points - against my better judgement I sent what I thought was a closure letter and it wasn't a good thing to do.

[ocrob]

Your letter was the type of letter a good guy writes. I liked it, but do agree with Jut to an extend, but it does not matter now. The one thing I am learning from this site is not to obsess about what you did or why things happen. You acted with dignity and showed respect. I am coming close to doing the same thing and I have to make a decision. It sounds like you respected your woman and that is cool. I have plans for my ex and me to go to my company Christmas party in two weeks. I have not initiated NC, but I will only contact her or see her, if she makes the effort. She has contacted me and I have written very bland two sentence comments back. I usually write essays. lol Anyway, it has been five days and I think she is testing me and I hope she does not contact me because I will not contact her. If she does contact me, then I may have one last good night with her, but time will tell. You may have not done perfect, but you did good brother.

 

ocrob

[BONO]

I understand why you perhaps have concerns over the "special place in my heart" bit. It was a concern for me as well. The reasons I added it to the letter are.

 

1) She suffers from manic depression/bipolar diorder and tried to cut herself a few weeks ago and is frankly in a dark place right now and is not yet seeking help apart from drink and parties.

 

2) Letting her down gently - moving into actions speak louder than words mode. Please understand guys, if you can, that the way to decribe bipolar personality disorder is someone who thinks like this. " I hate you with a passion, please dont leave me !! ""

 

2)To underline the fact that I have moved into strict NC for me and to reinforce that I will always love her on some level i.e When she is not down or manic but depression is a very contagious illness. When you are with someone who has this you end up riding the rollercoaster with them.

 

3) Showing her her behaviour is for what ever reasons is unexceptable if she does not seek help, thus NC. Most of her friends call her "The Mad One" and brush over her illness. When she is down they leave her alone and contact her when she is up again.

 

4) To show her that I will not do this anymore. Why??? Simple. Because of Love for her and love for me.

 

 

 

 

Hope this puts a little more meat on the bones.

[BONO]

I understand why you perhaps have concerns over the "special place in my heart" bit. It was a concern for me as well. The reasons I added it to the letter are.

 

1) She suffers from manic depression/bipolar diorder and tried to cut herself a few weeks ago and is frankly in a dark place right now and is not yet seeking help apart from drink and parties.

 

2) Letting her down gently - moving into actions speak louder than words mode. Please understand guys, if you can, that the way to decribe bipolar personality disorder is someone who thinks like this. " I hate you with a passion, please dont leave me !! ""

 

2)To underline the fact that I have moved into strict NC for me and to reinforce that I will always love her on some level i.e When she is not down or manic but depression is a very contagious illness. When you are with someone who has this you end up riding the rollercoaster with them.

 

3) Showing her her behaviour is for what ever reasons is unexceptable if she does not seek help, thus NC. Most of her friends call her "The Mad One" and brush over her illness. When she is down they leave her alone and contact her when she is up again.

 

4) To show her that I will not do this anymore. Why??? Simple. Because of Love for her and love for me.

 

 

 

 

Hope this puts a little more meat on the bones.