no contact is great but what if you work together

[blues_belter]

Long story short- My boyfriend and i abruptly separated a month ago. At the same time, we are professional musicians who perform together in a regionally successful group. It is a little awkward to perform together but we are professional and have been through awkward moments before when we would break up in the past- we'd always work together. Now it's a little different. We have absolutely no contact with each other except to work.

 

The reason behind the break up is especially sticky. He is somthing of an alcoholic and has a tendency to be a real jerk when he drinks. Well, that night he really crossed the line and physically pushed me around - it had happened before but i was stupid and really thought it would change. At any rate, i decided to press charges. Not to get back at him or hurt him but the situation NEEDED TO STOP! So we go back to court 2nd week of december.

 

So for the past month, his lawyer has advised him not to have any contact with me- which makes sense. I have not contacted him. I do miss him terribly, but i don't miss his treatment of me. I know that he could change his behavior if he really wanted to but in reality know that is difficult at best. He has been ordered into anger management counseling.

 

Since we don't speak, it is a little awkward at gigs. Last weekend, though a good friend of mine noticed he was staring at me constantly. I asked if it was a homicidal sort of stare- she laughed and said no- that it looked more like he was sorry and wished he could talk to me. He even sang happy birthday to me. So that felt good, at least even though we weren't speaking- at least it seemed he wasn't angry at me and at some point we could at least be on a friendly basis.

 

Yesterday, though, we were invited to be interviewed together to promote an upcoming concert. I faced a dilemma as to whether or not i should let him know. I called and called our manager but no reply. So i figured that since it IS his group, i would call up where he was staying and leave a message with whoever answered. It was about noon when i called and the interview was not until 7pm. His mother's friend answered and all i did was ask to just leave a message for him. I didn't even ask for him. She agreed and asked if he needed to call back to confirm. I said no- just told her what time he should show up to radio studio. I said he would probably want to know about it- being just business and all.

 

Well, he never showed up at all- never called or anything. That really floored me. I don't know, perhaps he is still nervous- but this is business. I hope i did the right thing, but personnally i think it's a case of busted if i do busted if i don't. If i hadn't called- he might say that i was keeping business from him. What do ya'll think? What is his problem? I didn't call for personal reasons!!

 

I know i should not take it personally but i'm starting to get really irritated! He does not even show up to promote his own group which i can only imagine, is based on a petty personal reason.Any feedback would be welcome.

[blues_belter]

Does anyone have any input- anyone?

[nataliejulie]

Like you said, keep it business.

Treat him like a business partner, and that's all.

 

That doesn't mean completely ignore him. Just treat him like you'd treat any one else you would work with. Don't give him anything personal out of you. I mean, if you were hurting.. would you show your co-workers? If you were depressed, would you take your personal crap to work?

 

During NC, we move on. We don't contact them, we give them that space they wanted. We give us our own space to heal. You can still technically do that if you work with him... but that's only by not showing any cent of emotion towards him what so ever. Because that's what happens during NC... our dumpers have no clue on knowing how we are feeling, what we are up to and what place we are at.

 

They wanted it over -- we have to treat it like it's over.

[blues_belter]

Thanks for your reply nataliejulie, I've read a few of your other posts too. I guess i got thrown off because, to me, a business call would be completely harmless. Of course i won't let him see my emotion, and i haven't since the breakup- i haven't called him or anything. I carry myself really well at gigs. I stand right nexxt to him when we play and if you didn't know us, you'd never know there was anything wrong.

 

My only worry was, did i actually mess up the no contact thing by just leaving a strictly business message? There has been absolutely no emotion on my part! I figured that was why he was staring at me with this wistful look at our last show.

 

Just want some reassurance if i did the right thing? Thanks for replying- it's nice to know we are not alone

[nataliejulie]

I don't think you did the wrong thing AT ALL. The thing is, when most of us break NC it's usually to say, "I miss you, I love you, come back to me." You called him right up, talked business, (and not even to him, good job!), and left it at that. You did well. Think of it, especially with with couples with a child... they have to keep their conversations on a low level, but they HAVE to talk. You have to keep your conversations on a very low level, because you HAVE to talk, also.

 

So, you did the good thing.

[Enn]

Have been in work situation with ex...I agree with the others. Just say hello or smile when you pass him, as if you're not bothered. Don't make ANY other attempt to get in touch with him. In my case I didn't reply to pathetic email attempts to get in touch with me either. The only option he had in the end was to ring me.

 

Hope it works out!