Going Out Vs. Staying Home

[StandTall]

For whatever reason, I have always looked at Saturday night as date night, and would go out Friday nights as well. Lately, I've been deeply depressed following my breakup, and I've been laying really low. I am working out, and I'll go to something occasionally. For the most part, I have been going to bed by 9 and waking up automatically at 4:30am! It sucks. Anyhow, if I am feeling totally antisocial, is there any point in dragging myself out? If my friends were in town and invited me, I would be more likely to go. I'm just wondering if I should force myself to get out for my own good. I've been like this for around a month. Thoughts?

[darkblue]

It would be a good idea if you are just sitting at home, moping around.

Get some sort of normality back into your life.

 

As for the sleeping - stay up later and you will wake up later.

Develop a routine.

[Bigbilly]

Yeah, I've had the same problems with my sleeping patterns since the breakup. I go to bed by 10 pm by the latest and wake up at 5. Problem is, if I dont have to get up, I don't get up and I wind up staying in bed for nine or ten hours. Even though I am never that tired and wind up just laying there, I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I am getting sick of rising every morning with that damned headache you get when you're in bed for too long.

 

You and I both need to make more of an effort to get out and have some fun. You might feel antisocial, but if thrust into a social environment you might just find yourself opening up.

[StandTall]

I just don't feel ready for it, and have really lost interest in almost everything I used to do. I suppose in time my desire might return, but I feel like I'm just able to hang on for right now. I might also add that I have cut out drinking for now as I found that I was drinking to forget which has never been like me. It is no fun to be at the bar and not be drinking.

[NR498E]

standtall and bigbilly i went through what you both are going through.I was a hermit for about 3 months.It takes time youll both start to come around i promise.I recomend you both read Men are from mars and women are from venus.Itll help explain alot.Goodluck fellas

[Shadows Light]

Hey... its not just you guys who are "HOUSE BOUND"... I'm having a hard time gettng out myself. I'm not into the whole meat market bar thing. I'm not into the whole drink till you drop or dance thing. I had that in spades in my early 20's. And now.. at 39 it seems ...trite.

 

Sleeping patterns.. I've found myself up later and later. There have been nights I don't sleep at all. If I can take a sleeping pill early enough.. then it works. But then the next day.. I'm for nothing.

 

I can tell you it roller coasters. Am getting better about it. And I think that my depression has returned with a vengence because of the holidays. Sooooo.. I for one can't wait till January 2nd. LOL. ohhh and then there will be valentines day to make it through again.. but I think we're home free after that. ONE DAY.. ONE STEP.. at a time.

[StandTall]

I think the main reason I stay home is because I am depressed and want the day over with. It is a fairly irrational fear, but I have a fear of running into her somewhere even though we don't live close. It upsets me that I let someone who is long gone affect me so much. I want to move on. Ugghhhhh!!!!!

[Jut]

Stand Tall

The one thing that worked for me was pep talk and forcing myself to go out. Even if you dont feel like tell yourself that things will get better. Force yourself to go to the gym(i think you already do), force yourself to go to the club. WHo knows once you get lukcy at the club you might find it more intersting in lookin for things outside.

[StandTall]

I am going to try and get out this week. It is difficult enough to encourage myself to get out, but moreso when I have to do it alone. It has been a long, difficult weekend with no friends around.

[moondog627]

When my ex broke up with me I made a point of doing everything she said I didn't do. She said I didn't like to listen to music loud in my car (which was crap, she got this from one instance) so I went out and bought a new system. She didn't find me attractive anymore, so I went and lost 30 lbs. And she said she felt like she was getting old around me (and I felt that way too) so I comletely went back to my wild boy college days.

 

My point in all this is that while I originally used this stuff trying to prove to myself, and maybe her in a sick way, that I wasn't like she portrayed me, I eventually came to truly love these things. I found out my ex was going out all the time to clubs, partying it up RIGHT after the breakup. So I said to myself why should I be sitting at home moping about when she's out there living it up. And at first I didn't have a good time. I was a mess.

 

But after a while you start to enjoy yourself more and more. But you'll never get there sitting at home dwelling on things. And if you do have to stay home at least try to treat yourself to a movie or something. With all the added funds I have now (sans ball and chain) I make a point of treating myself to something, movie/videogame, at least once a week. But make a serious effort to get out of the house. There's so much of the world out there to discover and you'd be amazed at what lessons you could learn just by observing nature.

[bsp_kjm]

standtall and bigbilly, i am going through the same thing. only reason i get up sometimes is to check this website or when i have to go to work

[StandTall]

I am going to a friend's barbeque this afternoon. Not mormally a big deal to me, but I have looked forward to it all day. That's how weird my life has become. I saw a REALLY attractive woman at my pool and decided to test the waters, so we talked and traded numbers. I'm not sure that I'm ready to date, but we can always go out with no expectations. I am doing a bit better today. Hope everyone else is doing well.

[Hawk]

Well done StandTall - looks to me like a sign that things are getting better for you - and as you say go out with no expectations then whatever happens is a bonus!

[StandTall]

I am trying. I woke up again ridiculously early, even though I went to sleep at 10:30. I feel kind of scared and alone this morning. A part of me is still missing the good times about my ex, and I don't know how that remains. I really want to have a good day today.

[nataliejulie]

Once upon a time I would go out every night, party every day and put evey problem on the back burner till it eventually disappeared.

 

Not now. I stay in most nights. I only leave to go to work or OCCASIONALLY hang out with a friend.

 

It doesn't bother me. It's almost like I need this time to be alone. It's like, I need this time to deal with my problems and learn how to cope with them.

 

I don't think it's a bad thing you might decide to stay in. I actually love it now. I love reading, watching tv, taking a bath... I get to relax and my brain feels like it's been through so much emotional trauma within the last few months, I almost need this "vacation". Then occasionally, I'll leave, hang out with some friends... or even stay late after work and have a drink with co-workers... WHEN I feel like I want the company.

 

It's good to be alone sometimes. Gives you that chance to not be so dependant on other people and gives you that time to reflect on yourself and your future. I do what makes me feel comfortable.

 

 

HOWEVER.. If you are just staying in to MOPE, bad idea. Maybe try inviting friends over, instead of leaving the house. Visit the parents. Stay around with people who make you feel comfortable. Talk on the phone (I talk on the phone with a friend from this forum for hours!) Try doing things at home to make you happy. Instead of going to bed at 10, put in a movie so you are almost forced to fall asleep at midnight. Maybe even try to adopt a pet to keep you company! How about going out, treating yourself to some new gadgets or clothes?

 

If you don't feel comfortable dating, then don't. I don't think any of us should. Esepcially me. The longest I've been single was 5 months. It's time for me to be alone! None of us are over our ex's yet, which makes it a great reason to not jump into anything serious!

[StandTall]

You sound like you are in a good place- One I would like to reach. My mind wanders too much when I'm alone right now, and I sometimes feel panicked when I'm alone. No matter how many times you go through this, it never seems to get any easier.

[nataliejulie]

You sound like you are in a good place- One I would like to reach. My mind wanders too much when I'm alone right now, and I sometimes feel panicked when I'm alone. No matter how many times you go through this, it never seems to get any easier.

 

I can't lie and say I don't think of him a lot. I do. Of course I do. I still love him. I still miss him. I think about all the great times we had and it pains me.

 

But, it doesn't do anything. I cannot do anything about it. The only thing I can do is feel better and heal. I kept ignoring me and how I felt.

 

It doesn't feel any better because we keep thinking we are failing. We keep thinking, "God, not again. What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? Will I be alone forever?" It's not. It's a learning process. It's a process where we learn what to do in a relationship, what we don't want in a relationship and what kind of person we want to be with.

 

You know, I think about all the great times. One of the best times was riding on the back of his motorcycle during the summertime. Or when he would teach me how to ride. So, what I'm going to do, is going to keep learning and try to get my own motorcycle, to start my own memories.

 

These memories, we will have them with someone else one day. You've been in a break up before.. and then you met your ex. It's a cycle. People come and go. You never know, a year from now, you may be writing us from vacation with your new girlfriend, talking about how happy you are!

 

There's someone out there for you. It may be her, it may not be. The only thing we can do right now is heal and remain positive.

 

Feeling paniac is natural. But we cannot rely our happiness in relationships and/or a single person. We hold our own happiness...

 

Even though we cannot control our past, we can control our own futures.

[StandTall]

I have a history of making my life revolve around someone I am dating. In the beginning, things seem fine. Then they pull away, and I feel wrecked for a long time. I have read up on Love Addiction, and it seems like me to a tee. I am trying to do all of the right things right now, and even though I was the one who broke things off, her coldness about it still hurts.

[StandTall]

For the 1st time in 1 1/2 months, she e-mailed me. It caught me totally off guard. It was to wish me happy holidays, and was like a 2 liner. I was shocked and didn't know how to react. Part of me wanted to think the reason she wrote was to reach out and talk. Fighting the urge to tell her I miss her, I simply wished her happy holidays as well and left it at that. I have really been sad and bitter this week- I fell angry at the world around me. A friend was having a party tomorrow night, and I was looking forward to getting out of the house for the first time in a while, and it was cancelled. It really disappointed me, because I don't really have the desire to run around the town right now. I am kind of pissed that she just contacts me so nonchalant as if it's no big deal. I am in the airport delayed for hours waiting for a flight, and feel like I could just break down right here in public. =(

[Lil Punkin]

Stand Tall? Just curious...if you broke things off....and she is acting "cold" why does that bother you? Would it make a difference if she broke down and begged you back? I am asking because I wonder if people in your position 9the dumper) DO in fact feel distraught after breaking things off....

 

Are you having second thoughts?

[StandTall]

It is because she was cold until I broke up with her- She brought it on, but couldn't be the one to do it. After a while, you can't take it anymore. I miss the good times we had.

[Lil Punkin]

Hmmmmm.....I guess I can understand that. Did she ever give you a reason why she felt that way??