Valuable Tips From Someone That's Been There!

[alphonsefa]

This is directed toward those that are hurting over a breakup and want to get their Ex back. I've been there this last year and have done it not only once, but twice with the same girl. In fact, she made a third attempt at coming back but I just couldn't do it. As much as I missed her, loved her, and wanted her back, I knew that nothing had changed with her and in a matter of a month or two, her problems would've crept back in and started dragging me down again. Someone you love should never drag you down, they should be a source of strength and happiness. She is one of those rare women that sabotages the good people and the good things in her life, someone who is more at home in the depression of her past than the possibilities that the future holds. We all seem to overlook the obvious and excuse bad behavior when we are in love with someone. My relationship was nothing short of a movie of the week, filled with drama, involving an abusive relationship that she had been in for six years before dating me, that she has now unbelievably gone back to. A few things I've learned that may help you and stop you from making stupid mistakes:

 

1. No Contact! Any attempt you make to call, email, vist, etc..., is going to make you look bad, real bad. In fact, it starts to remove the doubt that the person has about dumping you. Your actions start to justify their decision. How did I get her to come back twice and have her calling to try again for a third time? I ignored her! You don't acknowledge holidays, birthdays, or anything else. You do not remain friends in any way if there are not kids involved. Give them the gift they wanted, to live life without you. Words and actions have circumstances, and your Ex will never learn that if you are only a phone call away.

 

2. Always judge someone on their actions not their words. People with agendas will string you along and tell you what they think you want to hear to keep you hanging on. Anyone who is giving you the "I care for you but need my alone time" speech, "need my space" speech, "I'm not sure what I want" speech, or things along these lines, is using you as a comfort zone. As soon as you get one of these lines, believe it! Don't try and rationalize it away and excuse it. It's the biggest red flag you can get. When someone hits you with this, you serve it right back to them by agreeing. Say something like, "well being you don't have the same commitment as I do to the relationship, I think it's best we go our separate ways". Believe me, this is not what they are expecting to hear! It shows control, strength, and respect for yourself; three very attractive qualities.

 

3. Always stay cocky and funny throughout the entire relationship. Cocky does not mean arrogant, it means confident. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, but do it in a confident way. Never be afraid to poke fun at your bf/gf, but do it with humor. It's amazing how a humorous, sarcastic line, can drive home a point without creating an argument. Never, ever, walk on egg shells around the person you love. As soon as you do this, your relationship is all but over. Never be afraid to speak your mind, or call your bf/gf for acting out of line, or treating you with dis-respect. Never tolerate dis-respect from anyone!

 

4. Look in the mirror of your soul and ask yourself these questions. Can I respect myself for taking someone back that thought so little of me that they walked away from the relationship? Will the other person respect me if I let them come back after how poorly they've treated me? This is one where logic and emotion battle. Logically we all know the answer, but emotionally we stumble. See things for what they are, not for what you want them to be. See people and situations for what they truly are; it will save you so much pain and heartache. If your answer is still yes then go back and reference point number 2 and hold them to this standard.

 

5. Have confidence in yourself and in how well you treated them. Without going into detail, I will tell you for a fact that your Ex being with someone else means nothing, and that the time you two were together or apart means nothing, and in most cases, the circumstances of the breakup mean nothing. If they truly love you, they will find their way back to you. If they ended the relationship, don't you ever be the one to pursue them for another chance. You are the prize in the relationship, not them. Don't let how good or well you treated them confuse you. We've all been there, "I treated him/her so good, how could they leave me"? Instead let it be a weapon of strength. If you were good to the other person, it will always stay with them, and as they discover that the grass wasn't greener on the other side, it will begin to haunt them. Have confidence that they will never find someone as good as yourself. Have confidence that when they are with someone else, they will constantly draw comparisons between you and the other person, whether they want to or not. It's just how the mind works. So you may think that they've forgotten you, but they haven't, there's a database of good memories that they will reference back to. Never forget this point when the thought of them with someone else starts to eat at you.

 

And through it all, please remember that you only get treated the way you allow someone to treat you.

[DaisyMN]

Great post! Another good reminder to treat yourself good and refrain from making the ex a priority in your life because you're not a priority in theirs. I'd rather not be an option. Thanks again!

[ZoeMatthews]

great post....I have been really missing my ex. He broke up with me October 30. He had already moved on...when we were together, he told me that he was restless and could not sleep...I worried so much...then I noticed that he was not acting right.

 

I called him that Sunday and asked him what was going on. He said nothing. But I had notice also that he was not talking to me...as much...all the little things you notice when you know something is going on.

 

He then told me that he wanted "a break". Yes, I totally believe he disrespected me...esp. throughout the relationship...

 

I know that I was never a priority in his life, and I will never be, even if he came back and wanted to work things out...At this point, I am going through the "I need him back" phase of grieving.

 

I know he doesn't deserve me, never did. I have had NC with him for over a week..I have a journal I write in. I have to get him out of my system.

 

I know that its easy to say, "get over it and move on". I wish it were that simple...if it were, 99% of us would not be here...posting our heartache.

 

I have been waiting for him to call me to wish me a happy thanksgiving...I am hoping he will call me for my bday in December...but that's now...I don't know how I will feel in the next two weeks.

 

I do want to get over him. If I ever see him again, I want him to see a confident woman...not the wreck that's typing this post!

 

I am hurting and I keep thinking that he is back with his ex wife. They were on very friendly terms in the last few months that he and I were together. She has custody of her grandkid (my ex's step grandchild). He loves this kid. He loves spending time with him. But for him to have a good relationship with the ex and be able to spend time with his step grandkid...I had to be out of the picture...

 

So after 2.5 years I was out...because he needed a "break".

 

My friend told me to stop worrying about what he is not doing. That I should take care of myself now.

 

SHe also said with men like that, they usually have a "replacement" relationship before they they drop you since they have had more to think about dumping you...

 

Anyway, enough of this...I am just hurting, that's all.

 

ZM

[nataliejulie]

One of the best posts ever written. Infact, it should keep being bumped up so everyone has the chance to read this.

 

I'm happy I'm past the grieving part. Now I see much more clearer now and the possibilities ahead of me.

 

I've actually read something you said in an article once. "The one you love shouldn't be bringing you down." Corny as it is, I read an article on Angelina Jolie a few months back... and they asked her about how she's totally changed and seems so happy now. She said "I removed all people that brought me down in life. And now I'm working on me and my happiness."

 

Great!

[BONO]

agree. Its Excellent !

[alphonsefa]

Thanks for all of the great responses. I wanted to share things that are universal to every relationship. These weren't read on a message board or learned from a book, they were lived by me first hand. I cringe when I see some of the posts on here by people who are hanging on and living in an altered reality. It's just amazing how much we put up with when we love someone. It's painful to see guys and girls whose Ex's are with new partners, stringing them along by telling them, "I still think of you", "I still love you", "maybe someday we'll get back together", etc... Wake up! Try switching roles in your mind. Would you have ever risked the relationship by doing what your Ex or even current bf/gf is doing. It's all about respect, when you lose that, or worse yet, give it away, your relationship is over.

 

Another thing I wanted to share with everyone, and also a lesson you sometimes have to live first hand to understand it's importance:

Don't let anyone bring the problems of their past into the relationship. If that starts happening to you, it's one of the biggest red flags that you can get. Don't become their counselor and the shoulder to cry on because in the end it will destroy your relationship, and worse yet, screw with your mental well being in a way you can't imagine! We all have our own set of problems and hardships from time to time. There are two types of people, those that wallow in those problems and never move on from them, and those that conquer them and treat them as nothing but a glance in the rear view mirror. Seek out people who do the latter, who don't let life drag them down and have enough inner strength to work through and get through anything. When you settle for the former, you will eventually get drug into that persons drama and you are going to have a real tough relationship, and even worse, a real tough life. Hope I've helped a few people take a new perspective on things, because afterall, heartache and depression are really just a state of mind. Never let anyone in life dictate your perspective, stay true to yourself, don't change for anyone, and never settle for someone that is not and cannot give you 100%.

[charlotte_skye]

I agree, good post BUT one thing u said im not sure i can 100% totaly agree on and that was "Can I respect myself for taking someone back that thought so little of me that they walked away from the relationship?'

 

im not sure that every person who breaks up with someone is ultimately trying to hurt that person, or is not woth a second thought evr again or is so horrible for having walked awa form the rship. I dont agree that someone thought so little of them just because they broke up with them.....

 

i know alot of people who found it VERY hard to break up with their significant other BUT it was necessary and commpletely out of love n respect for that person

 

it solidy depends on the situation/person etc

[alphonsefa]

Charlotte,

 

Think about it this way. By breaking up with you, this person is telling you that their level of feeling and commitment is not as strong as yours. When you love someone, you would never risk losing that person by pulling away from them. Ask yourself this, if you were with someone that you truly cared for and had throughts of a long term future with, would you ever risk walking away from the relationship? No, you would stay and try to work things out, like is done in normal, healthy, relationships. When someone breaks up with you, they've quit on you. You can dress it up however you like, but they quit on the relationship and they quit on you. Be very careful investing time and emotion into someone that has already showed you how they will treat you when they get bored, or a problem should arise.

 

I will tell you this from first hand experience too. Once someone does that to you, pulls away from you, and then you two get back together, it will hover over the relationship like a black cloud, and worse yet will wear on your mental well being. You will find yourself always waiting for the other shoe to drop because this is a person that has no problem quitting on you again. You'll start to analyze words they say, or moods that they are in, and it is impossible not to think, "here we go again". When I talk about looking yourself in the mirror, that is more directed to the people whose Ex's have done some really out of line things to them such as; cheated, lied about important things, used them, abused them, or had the basis of the relationship totally on their terms. Don't kid yourself, people know when they have mis-treated the person they were with, and for you to welcome them back with open arms is not going to have the effect you believe it will. You will be treated as a doormat, I'll guarentee it! So yes, you better look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself those questions first, because they absolutely will find themselves being asked eventually, by either you or the person you've taken back.

[Lion-Guy]

Charlotte,

 

Think about it this way. By breaking up with you, this person is telling you that their level of feeling and commitment is not as strong as yours. When you love someone, you would never risk losing that person by pulling away from them. Ask yourself this, if you were with someone that you truly cared for and had throughts of a long term future with, would you ever risk walking away from the relationship? No, you would stay and try to work things out, like is done in normal, healthy, relationships. When someone breaks up with you, they've quit on you. You can dress it up however you like, but they quit on the relationship and they quit on you. Be very careful investing time and emotion into someone that has already showed you how they will treat you when they get bored, or a problem should arise.

 

Very well said Alphonsefa. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience with the rest of us.

[charlotte_skye]

SORRY i completely disagree..........i suppose this is where the fun of everyone having diff opinions comes in.........

 

i just cant help but believe that 'if you love them u will conquer anything' theory is sucha myth........NOTHING is that black n white......

 

i have been in numerous rships..........ones that even tho i DID love them DID see long term i broke up with him because outside influences took its toll.........i wanted what was best for him........i wanted him to get better n move to a place where he could do so, he needed his time alone, because he asked for it, he had to go thru alot n although i stood by his side n was there majority of time by his side he needed me as just a friend not a lover while he was so sick. its just what he felt he needed.......(long story)

 

sometimes things like money, families, long distance all can take their toll............everyone has a right to cold feet or uncertainty or confusion this does NOT mean they do not love you......

 

what about the saying if u let them go n they come back their yours to keep.........i know VERY OFTEN ppl get back with exs n it does not work out.........that may because the high majority of these ppl get back for wrong reasons and broke up for bad reasons to begin with........

 

just because my ex ( recent ex) broke up with me cos he was suffering depression and didnt wnat to bring me down doesnt mean i cant go back to him because 'obviously he didnt love me, obviously he quit on me'. thats just rubbish in our situation.He did realise he shouldnt have felt he needed to leave me n has worked on that, not everyone is perfect nor experienced in rships, not everyone knows what they want 24/7

 

as for always feeling like theres a cloud, well i dont, because we emained best friends for 8 months n that itself says alot to me, we formed a friendship which we didnt b4hand n is very important, n i feel even more in love, even more secure knowing we went thru so much n ende dout great

 

he did what he felt he had to, sometimes emotions take over other thoughts n feelings......sometimes u get overwhelmed. sometimes ppl need to realise what they lost or work on themselves n then when they do come back realise their faults last time n work on em so it can work out this time.........

 

my parents for example broke up when my dad moved back to england.......only to return a 6 months later n marry my mum......

 

she didnt think he quit on her, she just knew he needed time to REALLY think about what he needed/wanted

 

its not healthy to always be bitter or think jst because someone left , when they honestly thought it was the best thing that they dont deserve another chance/thought................if they cheat or r abusive etc thats totaly different but noone is perfect nor are rships...........so best to not be soooo harsh i think

[Rickster]

I believe in point 2 and 5. I believe that my ex many words that brought me down and it was only because I went paranoid and the only way to get me away was to hurt me more. Now I don't believe in her words, rather I believe in her actions. But for me it's difficult to believe actions as I do not see her and only talk to her on the phone infrequently. Currently I try to intepret whether she really means the what she says. But we talk very mutual, nothing to do with relationships. Also I believe that they will never forget about your relationship and they will always be comparing you and their new significant other. We just have to wait until they finally realise their new loved one isn't the same as what she had. But I don't believe in staying with NC. NC at first, but we still have to contact sooner or later to regain that trust again after you have pushed them away.

 

Im sure many people will push their ex away at first, it's only natural, that all of a sudden something so massive happens in that short period of time that it makes you blind to see what you are doing wrong, it makes you desperate to solve something, it makes you frustrated that everything is crumbling, and atlast you destroy your last hope. Think before you do something. Well this is kind of stupid, but I just watched the movie "saw 2" and I was thinking, if they all didn't panic, and sat down and thought about how they were going to solve the situation they would have got out alive. So similarly, if we thought about our situation carefully, we won't make stupid panicy mistakes that push them away.

 

All of us will only learn from experience. Eventhough if they have heard experiences and advice, I don't think any of us will take the advice fully until we experience it ourselves.

[masterman_05]

By breaking up with you, this person is telling you that their level of feeling and commitment is not as strong as yours.

 

Not True. Ive broken up with a girl before because i felt i liked her/loved her more than she loved me. i broke up with her because mu level of feeling n commitment was more.

 

also another point/view In one quote to this is "PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, MAKE WRONG CHOICES, WRONG DECISIONS OFTEN'. we forgive for other mistakes, why cant we forgive them for breaking breaking up with us ever even of it wa shonest reasons. why should it be one u can never ever forgive?

 

if you were with someone that you truly cared for and had throughts of a long term future with, would you ever risk walking away from the relationship?

 

Hell yah, if i thought it was for best, if i needed to sort my life/stuff out before i could be everything they deserved and i needed to be, before i could make htings work, and hel yah if i do what i usualy do and run for hills as soon as soon as i fall in love instead of embracing it, and hell yah if i just needed some time to be sure b4 i made a big committment. Ive been confised many a times like most ppl, and ive also broken up with a girl n realised few months later how bad a mistake it was n how i truly loved her.

I think its better if u need time to think to break up with them n sort ur head out rather than stay with em while ur confused n be possibly leading em on. sometimes it tes a good honest person who truly loves their significant other to break up with them.

 

No, you would stay and try to work things out, like is done in normal, healthy, relationships. When someone breaks up with you, they've quit on you.

 

Not true, sometimes ppl r just needing time to be sure, sometimes ppl make mistakes n bad decisions, or rash decisions, sometimes ppl just dont know how to communicate or arent mature enuff to know how ot yet etc i know alot of ppl who bury their head in the sand rather than face up, it DEPENDS ON THE SITUATION. sometimes its best to break up, doesnt mean u dont love them. LOVE DOES NOT CONQURE ALL. it takes a whole lot more. sometimes after yrs of just love, u have enuff and need to walk away even tho u love them.

 

sometimes it is for the best to let someone go even if u do love them. sometimes ppl break up n later become more compatible, sometimes ppl break up n get back together a yr later when they are in completely diffrent situations n places in their lives n now can truly make it work in a totaly new n diffrent rship, even tho same ppl.

 

as for if u do take them back u will always have a dark cloud ove ryour head, so not true, sometimes ppl break up , get back together with a better understanding of what each other need, how to deal with problems, how to better communicate, sometimes ppl r better off breaking up n than gettin back together..........i knwo i was

[seren]

It sounds liek your talking about ppl who broke up with u for bad reasons such as cheated on you, or for another guy etc etc, all this sounds like if someone broke up with you badly....but not all break ups have to be done badly, sometimes their done out of love.

 

I have noticed that MANY people on this site believe that if you loved your boyfriend or if he/she loved you that you wouldnt have EVER broken up........its said to sooo many on this site...the philosophy that 'LOVE CONQUERS ALL'.

 

It just isnt that simple......although I could say research says this statistics prove this bla bla bla, it seems all so predictable.......i just wanna share through experience and thoughts........

 

A rship to last take SO MUCH MORE then just love, it takes commitment, trust, self esteem, shared goals etc etc......

 

I have been with a man i loved more then life itself......i met him when my mum became best friends with his mum.....he was addicted to heroin but was coming clean and after 2 yrs watching him in so much pain from withdrawal time and time again i realised 'LOVE COULDNT CONQUER ALL'. after my first love where i met him at 19 n was so too young and had that niggling thought of needing to live my life and move overseas with my scholarship i again realised 'LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL'.

 

People are brough up in wetsern culture on these belifes that are so easy and simple and so PERFECT, a fairytale......they ride of into the sunset BUT they dont show the day after that.........the day they awake and bills come in and children are born and addictions kick in or money falters.......

 

Please dont tell people here with broken hearts that their loved one never loved them.........it isnt true alot of time........its not always so simple......that means out of my 3 loves ive ha din my life none of them i really loved............thats BS.

 

Heres some myths for thought:

 

Love Myth vs. Love Reality

 

Love Myth

---------------------------------------------------------------

• True love conquers all

---------------------------------------------------------------

• When it's really true love, you will know it the

moment you meet the other person.

---------------------------------------------------------------

• There is only one true love in the world who

is right for you.

---------------------------------------------------------------

• The perfect partner will fulfill you completely

in every way.

---------------------------------------------------------------

• When you experience powerful sexual

chemistry with someone, it must be love.

 

Love Reality

---------------------------------------------------------------

• Love is not enough to make a relationship

work - in needs compatibility and commitment

[Jen - and I will add communication, integrity

and honesty]

---------------------------------------------------------------

• It takes just a moment to experience

infatuation, but true love takes time.

---------------------------------------------------------------

• It is possible to experience true love with

more than one person - there are many

potential partners you could be happy with.

---------------------------------------------------------------

• The right partner will fulfill many of your

needs but not all of them.

---------------------------------------------------------------

• Good sex has nothing to do with true love,

but making love does!

[Rickster]

*applause* very good. I believe that true love isn't easy, relationships isn't as easy as it seems. It's not like we can always end in happy endings and love will find its way. Im sure your ex must have been heartbroken themselves to tell you that they didn't want to be in the relationship. It takes 2 people's feelings to feel love, and that's why it's so difficult, because it takes the other person's feelings to love you no matter that your feelings are there for them.